54 replies to this topic

[Doug]

First off dont get me wrong my heart goes out to any one who has suffered a SCI, it is by far one of lifes greatest challenges, but sometimes I cant help it I get so upset when I see a para or low level quad doing so many things I cant.

I dont understand it at all. Does this mean Im a prick or something?

I am happy for them being able to do everything its great, but at the same time I become angry that I dont have just a little more so I might be able to do more for myself.

I loath the fact that I might have to depend on someone for the rest of my life.

Is this wrong of me?

[cate]

Doug, on Jul 29 2007, 06:45 PM, said:

First off dont get me wrong my heart goes out to any one who has suffered a SCI, it is by far one of lifes greatest challenges, but sometimes I cant help it I get so upset when I see a para or low level quad doing so many things I cant. I dont understand it at all. Does this mean Im a prick or something? I am happy for them being able to do everything its great, but at the same time I become angry that I dont have just a little more so I might be able to do more for myself. I loath the fact that I might have to depend on someone for the rest of my life. is this wrong of me?

Oh Doug, not wrong at all, just keep trying and to embrace what you can.my thought are with you
Cate

[SarahR]

You describe exactly how I feel about able bodied people. I do feel guilty about feeling that way, but I am only human. I do better if I focus that energy on things I can do.

[BillS]

I remember hearing a saying that is something like this...

Quads want to be Paras.
Paras want to be able bodied.
Able bodies want to be movie stars.

We all want more then we have and it's normal.

[SarahR]

BillS, on Jul 29 2007, 04:44 PM, said:

I remember hearing a saying that is something like this...

Quads want to be Paras.
Paras want to be able bodied.
Able bodies want to be movie stars.

We all want more then we have and it's normal.

Ha! And then some movie stars commit suicide or drink/drug themselves to death.

[Nichole]

I think you're normal to feel this. I've actually had people be kind of rude toward me because I can walk somewhat with my braces and a walker. If i go to any kind of sci event, I don't know how to describe it, but it like ticks people off that i've made progress. It can be kind of hurtful sometimes, it's like I don't fit in with "ab" people, or sci people. I don't get it though because when i hear about someone that was injured that recovered completely, i'm happy for them!

[Doug]

no Im happy for anyone who recovers anything back. I guess that Im just jealous that Im not the one who recovered more.

[Survivor35]

Doug, I agree that this is totally normal... I'm what would be considered a low level para, I reckon, at T6... I lose sensation at my sternum and have regained motor down to my hips, yay!, but I look at others who have, god bless them and I'm so happy for them, that have recovered more, or never lost as much, and I'm jaded and jealous... I felt guilty over it for the longest time. It doesn't help to have friends and family say, whenever I get down about it all, "Oh, look at those who dont have what you have, you should feel sooo lucky" Which, I do, and I'm thankful, I really am... but I'm very jealous of what I no longer have, absolutely. Anyway, the point to my rambling? I absolutely understand this, and feel that most of us have either felt, or still feel this way frequently.

[FROG]

I get angry when I think about what I have lost, but, I really try hard to keep the thoughts positive and be thankful for what I have left. It stinks to be in the chair when friends and family are running around and having fun. The bladder and bowel challenges are not at all fun. And the sex life is really frustrating. However, My inner-self, however, in some ways is very satisfying. I have more time to be with myself. I read more for pleasure than I have ever before. I spend time woodcarving (never had time before). I spend more time working out. And my spiritual life is better than ever.

[nomis]

Hi Doug
You can see from the posts above that you’ve hit on a common emotion here.
Reading your post I feel the hurt for you because it is part of my own hurt. I wish you could get around at least as much as me.
I see from the photo on your profile page that you’re a fine looking fella.

You say: “…I loath the fact that I might have to depend on someone for the rest of my life.” That’s a big adjustment. The only way to independence is through dependence.

As you’ll already know, when someone does something for you there can be a mix of being resentful because you can’t do it yourself but also grateful for them. One of those reactions will lead you to a horrible life the other to everyone being your friend. It took me years and years to see that for myself and I still need to be reminded. But it’s true.

I hope you begin to see you have a co-dependence with others. Sure you need their assistance but also they are getting something from you that they need. Maybe you're not convinced of that but also maybe you're not yet noticing.

Some people are good to be around no matter what. Why not you.

[hockeydahc]

I am going to start calling Nomis here, our Philosopher and Eminent Sage. always good advice and well written like Socrates or something..

Were you a teacher, nomis?


Okay. as far as the topis goes, I've never really had many of those thoughts except for breifly in the hospital as I had to just lay there after surgery. I wish I had something to add, but I just focus on the positive. what they can do, I can't always do, but we get perks too that they arent privy to. check out the benefits thread.

[wheeliebear75]

I like BillS's comment "quads want to be paras" "paras want to be AB" "ABs want to be movie stars". When I 1st got hurt I would cry every time I saw someone ski or surf (I live right on the CA coast it happened a LOT). We all miss the way we used to be. It is normal to long for what you had. I think the profound sense of loss with the loss of function is why many liken our accidents to having died and being born again. But it is apparent you are not alone in any of your feelings.

Hang in there.

[nomis]

hockeydahc, on Jul 31 2007, 05:37 AM, said:

Were you a teacher, nomis?

No, I'm an arrogant know-it-all who doesn't know his own place. I just can't help myself shooting off at the mouth.

Whenever I overstep the mark I expect you to call me on it. Sometimes I laugh at my own arrogance because it is funny.

I often feel, as with Doug here, that I'm pompously telling him what to do when in reality I have no idea. I trust that Doug will pick out what is acceptable to him and ignore the rest.

[Doug]

nomis, on Jul 30 2007, 08:25 AM, said:

when someone does something for you there can be a mix of being resentful because you can’t do it yourself but also grateful for them. One of those reactions will lead you to a horrible life the other to everyone being your friend.

I am greatful for what anyone does for me or what a person can do on their own. I dont resent them I just become upset with myself because I hate to ask someone to put their life on hold to do something for me. I use to be the person people came to for help. its one thing to ask a favor, lets face it we all need help once in a while, it is another to have to ask several times a day possibly for the rest of your life. I will put it this way if a person is helping me all day all the time. What am I keeping them from (their own life) so I think that my accident paralyzed 2 people. I dont want to hold anyone back from being able to enjoy their own life.

[lune14]

nomis, on Jul 30 2007, 08:44 PM, said:

No, I'm an arrogant know-it-all who doesn't know his own place. I just can't help myself shooting off at the mouth.

I have rather enjoyed your arrogance personally. I think it is rather tame and some good advice always follows (it is advice, no one has to take it if they don't chose so)

[smokymtn memories]

Doug, You've come to the right place to be able to vent and get it all out. Everyone here has "been there and done that"! Nomis and everyone else can give a word of advice and hopefully you can get it off your chest and get rid of the stress you're causing yourself. It's hard to change your whole way of life and I don't think anyone expects you to be happy about it.

My daughter works in a nursing home and the folks she can't wait to get back to help and visit with are the ones that are trying the best they can to keep a sense of humor and an up-beat attitude. I know it's hard, but it does get easier with practice. (I keep telling myself the same stuff!)

The people on here are great to talk to and will try to help if they can. Feel free to holler if you need to!

[rkzenrage]

Envy is a bitch... it is just hard to deal with.
The main thing is to look at why you feel it and deal with it.
For me it is projection, placing the guilt of not doing more for myself on others.
What I do when I feel envy is try to turn it around in two ways.
I try to immediately feel good for them for their good fortune then look at myself and see what I can do to improve myself.
What I have not done that I need to work on, what am I putting off or slacking on that is making me envious of others?
Envy is ALWAYS a useless emotion, if it not a motivator.

[nomis]

Doug, on Aug 1 2007, 02:19 AM, said:

I am greatful for what anyone does for me or what a person can do on their own. I dont resent them I just become upset with myself because I hate to ask someone to put their life on hold to do something for me. I use to be the person people came to for help. its one thing to ask a favor, lets face it we all need help once in a while, it is another to have to ask several times a day possibly for the rest of your life. I will put it this way if a person is helping me all day all the time. What am I keeping them from (their own life) so I think that my accident paralyzed 2 people. I dont want to hold anyone back from being able to enjoy their own life.

Doug

There is a slither of experience that has rewarded me and I want to convey that to you because it offers something possibly positive and precious. I may struggle to state this clearly but I’ll try.

Firstly, as a quad your level of dependency is likely many more times greater than mine - I can only fantasise your situation whereas I have only my own less-dependent experience. So I speak only from my experience.

I’m strongly (stubbornly) independent and am well acquainted with the difficulty of accepting help from others. It frequently challenges me even to today. I’m 59, and a para 38 years. But I’m now lots better at letting people assist me and I appreciate the good feelings for both parties that that can generate.

People help me from THEIR OWN CHOICE. That is important to me. Their choice can be for many reasons, some which are more pleasant to accept than others – love, money, pity, duty, etc. Basically, I need a job done, they have the choice.

Of course, I want them to have a positive attitude, too. Give me love over pity any day.

Because I realise people have a choice, I have warm respect when they make that choice to help me and I am encouraged to acknowledge that respect by being appreciative and friendly. Nowadays, I’m comfortable to say I allow myself to show my love for them.

I’m not saying I’m going to marry them, flop all about them or idolise them. But I do allow myself to enjoy that another human being on this planet is willing to do something to make my life work for me. People care and so do I.

I’m also aware I’m left with a need to be of use to others. I, too, want to return the help in some way. On this I’ve been a slow learner. It’s easy when I can give something practical like sorting out a computer or hassling the phone company over a bill error, but the big rewarding one has been the realisation that my personality can reward people. When I am openly appreciative in a genuine good natured and even humorous way, when I allow my affection to the surface, we both win.

The part I found (and still find) the most difficult is that I’m loveable and able to love.
Often so scary but always so rewarding.

If you or anyone else has perfected this then I am full of envy because I've learnt more about it slowly over the years and I’m still learning. I’m heading for old age soon so I can only become more dependent. I just gotta keep on learning and letting that love flow Because it makes life good.

[bunkalar]

There is a big difference for instance in what a c4/5 quad can do and what a c6/7 quad can do. I shouldn't say what they can do, but how easy it is for them to do it. From my knowledge a C4/5 quad might not have wrist movement, and the C6 probably does. Having that wrist movement makes a huge difference, and helps enormously. The term quad is pretty vague. It could mean a person can not move anything below the neck, or, an incomplete quad might be able to feel and move most of his extremities and body parts. I remember watching the movie murder Ball and seeing the main guy who is an incomplete quadriplegic. I remember looking at his chiseled upper body and watching him swim on his own and thinking, this dude is not a quadriplegic. Anyway, I can understand your frustration.

[Doug]

well I can only wait for science to find a workable solution for all of us. Untill then I must adapt overcome and move forward because this is my life now. My name is Douglas Shippee and I am a C-5 Quad one that will use all the help I have recieved and pay it forward.

[Zany]

Doug, on Aug 2 2007, 09:58 AM, said:

well I can only wait for science to find a workable solution for all of us. Untill then I must adapt overcome and move forward because this is my life now. My name is Douglas Shippee and I am a C-5 Quad one that will use all the help I have recieved and pay it forward.

I LOVE your attitude.

[Doug]

It is strange but I love to help others in any way possible. I will drop what im doing to help someone else. I just have trouble helping myself.

[nomis]

Doug, on Aug 9 2007, 05:44 AM, said:

It is strange but I love to help others in any way possible. I will drop what im doing to help someone else. I just have trouble helping myself.

It's called martyrdom and I suffer from it, too. I'm learning to be kinder and more respectful of myself as I realise I have to love myself before I can really love others .

[Ches]

So Doug, I tried my hardest to read all these post, reply back, and give you some support. Unfortunately I have ADD.. and only made it to about the 10th post. So you think it's hard to cope with? Try having ADD and being in a wheelchair. I'm only 4 months post injury and its all really beginning to sink in. It can defintly be depressing, I'm totally guilty of lying in bed all day periodically, just to avoid life. I've always been a completely independent, bad spelling, kinda girl. And now I am completely vulernable, it's hard.. it sucks. But that's what it is. Hoping or dwelling on something that can't change (that instant) isnt worth a shit. It's wasted energy. Energy i could have used making a bowl of ice cream..if you know what I'm saying.

So my point of all this.. Think about it this way, your the person who will always have a seat. Standing Room Only..my ass! Oh and those long nights out drinking at the bar with the gross bathroom and long lines.. No longer your problem.. I have to admit I think cath bags are genuis and wish I had been introduced to them along time ago. They are perfect for drinking nights!

Be easy on yourself Doug and eat some ice cream, it helps!

[wheeliebear75]

Well I guess it's pretty unanimous. No matter what level the injury we have; we all at some point (maybe in the past or even now or future) where we're angry, frustrated, saddened , feel helpless, and maybe even a little scared. We're all in the same boat together. But at least we're here to help each other out, and someone was kind enough to make sure that the boat was ramped. LOL

[Ches]

Scared,..Oh yeah.. but not of life in a wheelchair. Im scared of falling out of my freaking wheelchair. I just know its gonna happen. Im like majorly paranoid,. is that normal? I dont wanna hurt my pretty little face. Luckily I have friends.. strong friends who like to carry me around when Im being a baby.. usually ice cream helps

[nomis]

Ches, You must be a night owl if I'm reading Dallas time correctly.
Yeah, you're gonna fall out of that chair sooner or later so no point fretting about it. It only happens when you don't expect it.
I wouldn't want you to mess that pretty little face either and i trust your arms will be quick enough to avoid any hurt. Anyway, you're more than likely to slip over backwards and that's like a slo-mo breeze. No sweat.
Careful with all that ice cream or you won't fit your chair.

Edited by nomis, 19 August 2007 - 09:09 AM.

[Ches]

Indeed a night owl. Always have been. I have to admit its worked out to my advantage for once. You know how we have to get up and rotate ourselves while we sleep on whatnot, well now I dont have too. I go to bed around 7 am, and my mother will awake shortly after. She comes in every two hours or so and rotates me. Its awesome. Less effort here. Thats the way I like it.
And too much ice cream can never be a bad thing. Even if it does mean replacing my pink wheelchair with a larger one. I may die of obesity but at least I will die happy! Kidding.

[LuckyinKentucky]

All of us have lost a great deal of the ability that used to be. While some have certainly lost more than others the inner fight to remain positive about our places is a battle we have all fought...again some more than others. It is from these struggles that come our perseverance, personality, and yes our power to remain on top of that which could hold us down. As with any ability it becomes stronger with repeated use, this inner strength is what is transferred through these post's, whether it be by learning to deal with jealousy, dependency, envy, anger, or just plain old frustration.

I personally feel blessed to be able to get on this forum and glean understanding from the toils of others... even if those toils await me, I feel better facing them and may be even better prepared to do so.

Now I feel like an arrogant know it all, & this is just my perspective, but I had to get it out once I started pondering.

[nomis]

Nicely put LuckyinKentucky.
I, too, feel privileged to learn from others here on the forum. It’s jolted me out of my complacency with the wider realities of SCI that I’m not always willing to acknowledge.