[Jessesmom]

My son is an L2 incomplete - 7 1/2 years ago. He had just met his wife 2 months before the accident, they were 21 and 23 at the time. They had many ups and downs, but were married 2 years ago - it seemed like a dream come true. Yesterday, they decided to "spend some time apart". He tells us that she says all she can see is the chair. He says things have been deteriorating and he feels he shouldn't have to feel bad about his disability in his own home. I've always felt it was a lot for a young woman to take one, but he is independant - just can't walk too much. My heart is breaking. I'm sure there are two sides to the story, but Jess is right not to settle for what - pity? guilt? He says he loves her, but she needs help with this. She tried to talk to her mom and a girlfriend, but they didn't want to hear about it. Any words of wisdom?

[Lucydog]

Well I would firstly suggest she might want to get some counselling. She will be grieving for the loss of the husband she had and the life she thought they were going to have. Now thats not to say it wont be a great life but its certainly not going to be what she expected and she may never come to terms with that. Sad but true, but an awful lot of SCI relationships fail, not everyone is equipped to deal with a disabled partner. In an ideal world love would see us through everything, but of course we know that just doesnt happen. I know I have had some huge rows with my husbnd, its been a long road and he once shouted at me 'Well Inever expected to have a disabled wife!!!' and of course thats true, none of us do.

It may be that your son and his wife need to start their lives over, because in effect thats been forced upon them, its time for a re- evaluation. I think its probably better to make a break now, than to hang on until they hate the sight of each other, and start to feel resentful and bitter. You should not resent or judge your daughter in law, it just the way it is.

I have to say I find life is easier with friends who didnt know me before. They accept my wheels as part of me. Old friends just tend to be horrified! No doubt your son will find his soul mate, you only have to read the number of postings here that start out with... 'I have met this amazing para/quad guy...'. but I would also suggest you try to be supportive to them both as Im sure you love her too. She isnt awful, selfish, evil, but maybe she just doesnt have the inner strength. Be a friend to her too if you can, and let them find their own paths. Breaking up is never easy, but you can smooth the way for them if this is inevitable.

hope this helps and take care


lucydog!

[smokymtn memories]

I agree with Lucydog. Be there for them, but they need to do some soul searching and decide what's best for themselves.

What Lucydog said about friends before and after is very true. In a lot of ways it is easier with the friends I've made since sci. I think they see past the sci easier than the ones that knew me before. I'm sure it's been hard on both your son and daughter-in-law. Good luck to them both.

[motospine]

I only speak from the man's point of view when I say that as a db life changes. There are more things than one can imagine to support a marriage with a db partner. I am five years post and my wife and I are still together. I believe there is a little more glue that bonds us together. We have children and twenty years of life together.

With such a great amout of time together we have had experience with good and bad. But nothing prepares a marriage for the onesided needs in this type of relationship. Pick the side. The db may search for ways to make the spouse happy and not be able to. The ab may long to dance and not just on the dance floor. So when a relationship if forged new it can soar. That can be with a new partner or the old partner and a new view. "Luckydog" gives great advice.

[Jessesmom]

Thank you all for your responses. My son just called, and it looks like they will be separating/divorcing. I am angry! Can't help it right now. Maybe in the end it will be better, but I feel like I have been believing in a fairy tale - life is no fairy tale.

This post has been edited by Jessesmom: 07 August 2007 - 07:30 PM

[smokymtn memories]

You're right, life is not a fairy tale. But if you want it bad enough, and work at it long enough, it can be a heck of a ride. If this is what they've decided, I know it's hard, but let go of the anger and just be there and help your son however he needs it.

Sometimes you just need to vent and get it out so you can move on. This is the place for you and/or your son to be able to vent all you want. There's some pretty good listeners on here and quite a few of them have some pretty good advice.

Hoping your son comes out of this an even stronger person. Cause he's had to be strong just to deal with the sci. Wishing him all the best...........................

[wheelz1967]

Dear Jesse's mom,
If they could just sit down and talk. First agree to put no blame on the other; say how they each feel, not "you are this way or that way," but rather "I feel this way when you...". And it sure helps to have God in the middle of a marriage. Have they tried counseling?

[YYZ]

Don't be surprised about relationships failing Two of the most beautiful people (as some people see beauty) Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston didn't make it long either. I say that just to put things into perspective. You can blame everything on his SCI, but really it is just how relationships go. Few people these days are willing to do the tough work it takes to stay together. It takes two people actively engaged in keeping things together to make a marriage work.

YYZ

[LuckyinKentucky]

Few people these days are willing to do the tough work it takes to stay together. It takes two people actively engaged in keeping things together to make a marriage work.

Well said YYZ

And Jessesmom have one or either of them tried this forum. I'm only able to testify to it's worth to one who is disabled... but I see a lot of spouse's on here as well.

[Jessesmom]

I agree YYZ, I think there are more issues than the disability. I have been married for 32 years, and there have been many ups and downs - every marriage is a "mixed" marriage!
I guess they are now back to a trial separation - she phoned him and said "maybe we are jumping the gun". So one way or the other, I hope that things will be better as they have both been unhappy a lot of the time, especially over the last year. I hope they will get some counselling - he may have some available through his work. I need to back off here I think. I am just recovering from cancer treatment last winter/spring, and I know I need to take care of myself. Also, it's counter-productive if I get too involved, and if they work it out, then she is still my daughter in law and I do love her.

This post has been edited by Jessesmom: 13 August 2007 - 08:10 PM