[jhatpro]

Hi everyone,

A friend of mine was became a high (C2) quad after an accident last year. Fortunately, he has a very caring family and a huge group of friends who are visiting him often and arranging for ways to augment his care, such as setting up a scedule for volunteers to help with physical therapy, and planning a lot of things he can look forward to, like a barbecue, poker parties, a ball game, etc.

We'd appreciate any advice on do's and don'ts for friends of quads. Like, are there things we should avoid talking about? (We have people biting their tongue because they find themselves talking about places they've gone, things they are doing, and suddenly realizing these are things he can't do and maybe it hurts him to have them brought up.)

Also, are there things he would appreciate that we have yet to do. (We're bringing him movies, books on CD, music CDS. He has a great HD screen with cable. ) Eventually, he will have a retina-controlled computer that, we hope, will give him an opportunity to go online and get involved in a lot of stuff, including stock trading, etc.

Anyway, we're looking for advice, insights, ideas of all kinds, that will help us help him stay optimistic and involved in life.

Thanks!

Jim

[Joed]

Hi Jim....

I have to say, it's very uplifting to hear of the 'pulling together' that all of you have accomplished. Your friend is blessed. Your continued friendships will make all the difference in an otherwise tragic situation.

I'm not a quad, but an incomplete para...my original disability is from birth, so my response regarding what to say or not to say around your friend may be different from someone who is recently paralyzed at that level.

Personally, I would want my friends to be themselves and continue to talk about things as they always did. If they are uncomfortable, then I'd probably feel uncomfortable too...so I'd want them to relax and not worry about what might come out during spontaneous conversation. I like hearing about what my friends are doing, even if I'm no longer able to participate. If possible, I'd still like to observe my friends doing those things.

In other words, don't be afraid that you might be reminding him of his disability, because he's already reminded of it regardless of what someone might say. Sometimes it can be sad, thinking how different things are now, but that's part of what we have to cope and come to terms with, if we are to continue on and find some measure of joy in our lives with the bodies we have today.

Just keep supporting him with your presence and involvement. That's the stuff of friendships and it's the one thing that can remain constant for him. Often people will shy away from something that is out of their comfort zone, and unfortunatley, many friends of people with a spinal cord injury will stop coming by. Isolation is a kind of pain all to itself, and that's much worse than a whole room full of friends who are all saying 'the wrong things'.

Once he's online, you might want to direct him to a site like this one. Sharing and learning from others who know what it's like has been invaluable to me.

Blessings to you and your friend,

~Joed

[hillarymcarter]

He will get back in the game before long! Keep encouraging your friend with your stories and don't be afraid to get him out and active. I think it is so wonderful what you are all doing being there for him. My husband was paralyzed 9 months ago and I'm amazed at how many of his friends kind of packed up and ran. The friends he has left are amazing and I can't express my gratitude for that!

[laura]

hi jim!

i'm a quad (c-4) since 2002.

first of all, i'd like to say how great i think you are for being so interested in helping your friend. he truly has a good friend in you. i wish some of my friends could do what you are doing! lol

i agree with everything in the posts above this one.

i have days when i don't want to remember things i could do that i can't do now and sometimes that hurts real bad. but at the end of the day i'm glad i can remember those times.

what i'm trying to say is that, you might find that some days it's ok to talk about things he used to do with you and others it might not. difficult one,eh?!

overall, balance needed to be found. sometimes you/friends will mess up and so will he- but hey, didn't that happen before his accident?!

i personally, don't want people walking around me on egg shells but i'd love for people to tred carefully. you will work that one out with your friend. you know, with how he responds to things etc.

i like hearing about what other people are upto and what their day has been like. and maybe ask him what he has been upto? everyone's life goes on, and however hard it is for me as a quad to keep smiling when there are things that i want to do but can't, i have to realise that and keep going. you hope to find your inner strength and hope that pulls you through.
what i don't like is when people are talking about things you used to do in a nasty way. eg/ i was swimming today and it was fab ... etc oh but you can't do that anymore. etc

things will also change as time goes by.as he has been injured for longer.

just remember he is your friend and you are his. both of you are doing great to have come this far and you will go further! also you are both the same people you were before his accident, the only difference is what he can join you in and what he has to watch.

don't leave him on the sidelines. include him and things will be ok.

look after yourself and have fun.

hugs
laura

sorry bout the lecture! hope something i've said helps. i wish you and your friend the very best. keep

[shanik117]

The best thing you can do for your friend is be yourself. Don't think you can't talk to him about the same things you did before he was injured. Also don't be afraid to use terms and phrases with "run" and "walk". My boyfriend is a quadriplegic and the other day I asked him to go for a walk with me. To say that any differently would just be too awkward.