12 replies to this topic

[sweldon]

Woke up having one of "those" days...just need to vent if its ok. I've been in a chair since I was 7 years old...just turned 39 last month. So one would think by now I would have adjusted, but even after all these years there are still those days when I just need some friends who understand.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about....I've been at the same job since 1988, been married twice, have 3 small boys who think I'm a hero, 5 acres of land, drive a pickup truck to work everyday, drive a John Deere tractor when I get home, I don't wear Depends or catheters, I can tell when I have to pee, and I can have sex. I have made it a point to be as "normal" as possible for soooo many years and I'm afraid its catching up with me. I was always the life of the party and would do crazy things just to prove I wasn't different....like the incident involving a six pack, a ski rope and a riding lawnmower....long story....but anyway I have NEVER said "I can't"

I've been married to wife #2 for 12 years and she has NO sympathy....because from the beginning of our relationship I insisted I was just like any other guy. To this day, she has NO clue about my bowel program, although accidents have happened over the years and all she knows is that when they do happen, I'm in a funk for several days afterwards. She just changes the sheets and doesn't mention it. She knows I self cath when I feel the urge to go, but doesn't really understand how rotten I feel when I get a UTI. She acts irritated if I come home from work and lay down....which I don't do very often, but some days I just need a few minutes. Yes we have 3 very active boys who need constant attention and I know she is tired from working all day too...but if DARE say I'm tired, she goes off and reminds me I'm not the only one who is tired.

I'm a T2 paraplegic with Harrington rods....or I should say whats left of Harrington rods....I've broken them in several places over the years, trying to be "normal". About 13 years ago I was playing wheelchair basketball, playing tennis and racing in marathons. Now I'm fat, feel like crap all the time and the only exercise I get is hoisting myself onto the tractor to mow 5 acres of grass. I have the lowest self esteem I've ever had....I notice my skinny legs, I see the bowlegs, I notice the slump of one shoulder from the horrible scoliosis, and I've been stared at for so many years I'm quite frankly sick of going in public.

I don't mean to sound like I'm having a pity party, and I don't mean to discourage any newbies. I would offer this advice....take care of yourself. Don't do like I've done for so many years and try to pretend you are just like everyone else.
Ok thanks for letting me gripe.

[Izziwhizzi]

sweldon, on Sep 11 2007, 08:48 PM, said:

Woke up having one of "those" days...just need to vent if its ok.
.............
Ok thanks for letting me gripe.

Its OK to vent - we are here listening!!!

I'm sure you look super sexy jumping onto your John Deere!

L xx

[Somebody]

Welcome to the board!

Sweldon you do sound normal, just like any other guy.

Everyone has bad days, but they come and they will go.
All we can do is take one day at a time.

It's never too late to get back in shape.
You'll feel better if you start back getting healthy.

I can't say why she wouldn't give you a little break.
But being a woman I usually gripped when I felt neglected.
Felt didn't mean I was neglected. Just felt.
Give her a little attention first and I bet she wouldn't mind you resting first.

Post often, we care.
Remember God loves you!

Edited by Somebody, 11 September 2007 - 11:18 PM.

[nomis]

That's a great vent sweldon.
Welcome to the middle-aged crisis. That's when you get fed up with the bullshit and re-evaluate before launching yourself anew. Exciting times.
At 59 I guess I'm just exiting my middle age. It was a ball.

Trying to be normal brings back horrors. At times I worked so darned hard to prove I could do a job that I could still cry (or is it laugh). Ahh, the relief of being lil'ol' ordinary me.

Your a gutsy guy, sweldon. All the best in being yourself.

[sweldon]

Wow folks! Thanks for the words of encouragement! I really wasn't expecting a response because after I re-read my post all I could think of was what a whiney hiney I was being. There are soooo many folks in alot worse shape than me and here I am moaning over things that affect EVERYONE from time to time. All in all, life is good.
And yes Izzie, I look VERY sexy hoisting my skinny legged self up onto the John Deere LOL Funny thing about the tractor....I bought it without ever trying to figure out how I was going to get on it.....the guy delivered it and said "Here's the keys" and left. My wife and 3 boys were all standing around waiting on me to take it for a spin....and I just sat there and looked stupid. Finally wife broke the silence by saying "Ok hotshot, let's see you figure THIS one out" and promptly walked in the house, leaving me with 3 little admirers saying "Come on Daddy! Hurry!!" Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.
And Nomis, does a new sports car and a younger woman come with this middle aged crap?

[Doug]

sweldon, on Sep 12 2007, 10:16 AM, said:

And Nomis, does a new sports car and a younger woman come with this middle aged crap?

you can barrow my new minivan

[itsjustme]

Quote

a younger woman

Typical MAN!!!

I sat under a dark cloud about a year post SCI and I really didn't want to think that it could happen again although just about as soon as it gets cold and the first snow flies and I can't go out so much I won't be feeling quite so optimistic.

I think Somebody hit the nail on the head when she suggested a little extra attention for your lady. Do things a little differently than normal. Try your best to ignore her lack of empathy (I hate sympathy) and shake it up a bit. If you would never think to bring her flowers, just stop at one of those roadside sellers and grab a cheap bunch of flowers and tell her something mushy like, "The yellow daisy made me think of you." Okay. Okay. You think of something. Make a point to tell her thank you for something that she just normally does and let her know that you appreciate her efforts. If you don't just say, "I love you" once in a while, just do it or do it a little more often at unexpected times. In time, as soon as she gets over thinking that you are having an affair, I think that you'll be surprised at how she will start to respond. Give it a little time. Give her a little time to respond because she won't know what's happened to her guy and won't trust it to be real. This is just a kind of simple "reap what you sow" principle and it's surprising how it will work if you keep at it and invent your own little surprises.

Getting in shape-not impossible! Go to the Health forum and read the SCI and Weight Loss thread. I know. I had to bite the bullet and do something about the shape that I'd let myself get in and I've lost about 70 lbs. since January of this year, not nearly as active as you and in a power chair.

Glad you joined in!

Quote

"Ok hotshot, let's see you figure THIS one out"

I can see it now...

[sweldon]

Thanks for the minivan offer Doug....but think I prefer the sports car

QUOTE
a younger woman


Typical MAN!!!

OK OK!! So make it a sports car and an OLDER woman....jeez I ain't picky! ha!
Seriously though....good advice from all. I think the marital issues go way beyond my SCI. Having twin 4 yr old boys and an 8 yr old boy and just the daily chores associated with living "the dream" are taking their toll. And I seriously doubt she thinks I'm having an affair....she's seen me naked and knows better.
I believe what started my whole whiney fit is the sudden realization that I'm not getting any younger and that I feel as though I'm aging faster than your average bear. Is the common with SCI? I had a fellow ask me once how long I had been in a chair and I told him 30-something years and his reply was "Oh well then, you don't have too much time left because you know people with SCI don't live long".....and this guy had a SCI as well!!!!

[smokymtn memories]

I, for one, certainly hope that dude is wrong! I'm on the back side of fifty and have a lot to do yet. And, just for the record, I plan on living long enough to spend my children's inheritance!

Welcome, Sweldon!

[nomis]

QUOTE sweldon: ...And Nomis, does a new sports car and a younger woman come with this middle aged crap?

Nah, that comes in old age.

Re life expectancy, you can count on probably another 30 years. Time enough to get old and time for plenty of worries about kids and cars, kids and jobs, losing hair, wrinkles, aches and pains you never dreamed of and discovering the bits of life you've missed up to now. Busy times ahead.

I've gone through at least 3 times in my life when I've fooled myself into thinking that because I'm SCI I'm physically beginning to fall apart. I might pick up a few "life-is-a-war" injuries and scars but it all settles down again till the next self-imposed drama.

I love your tale of the tractor and your boys. Gives me a good laugh picturing that. I once had a lil' Kubota tractor fitted with mower. I had a friend with an engineering workshop to extend the levers but it was still a clever bit of work for me to get up top. I used the kamikaze lunge technique.

Edited by nomis, 12 September 2007 - 11:21 PM.

[Texaswheelz]

Not whiny, just normal, doesn't even have to do with SCI, my AB friends that are all hitting the same age range all feel the same way. Sure we do have a little more on our plate, and I also like to try and prove how 'normal' I am and that i can do anything of figure out a way to do it some how or another. Sooner or later though it all catches up to us and makes us try to figure out wtf we were thinking at the time. Hard days are hard to get over some times and a little rant goes a long way in helping put it behind us.

I rented a house in college that had 6 steps(and not big ones, it was about 5 foot tall) to the front porch and didn't have a ramp for the first 5 months I lived there. Sit on my ass and scooted up and pulled the chair up also and then got in it and then did a wheelie down the steps. I would never think to do that now and would have a ramp built before I moved in or wouldn't even rent a place like that at all. At the time though I thought I was being a macho man and every one sure loved me going down those stairs when I was drunk. The day I came to look at the house with the guy from the real estate office and my room mate/best friend, they both looked at me when I rolled up to the bottom of those steps like your kids and wife probably looked at you sitting beside the tractor. Then they both went on inside and I showed up a few minutes later hot and sweaty but there.

[KarenFerguson]

It's good to gripe! Let it out! I've been disabled since birth (3.5 months premature), and I know what you mean about how you should be adjusted to the "disabled thing". When someone says something mentioning my chair such as "Wanna race?" Or "You poor thing, I'll pray for you", this just slaps me in the face like ... oh yeah, I'm disabled! I totally forgot! Which I guess is kind of a good thing.

I had scoliosis as well, and have rods in my back from surgery when I was twelve. I'm always afraid that I'll break one, but I've been lucky so far. Being a "girly-girl" I'm not much for lawnmower skiing. Hee hee.

So, don't be afraid to gripe or vent about anything! It's so helpful.



ps. I hate my skinny legs too.

Edited by KarenFerguson, 13 September 2007 - 03:56 AM.

[wheeliebear75]

I'm not as long in the chair as you.......but I still hear ya. I've been injured now for 17yrs(was 14 @ accident) and there just seem to be those times where the little things irritate the snot out of me. For me just knowing that there's a good chance I'm not the only one sometimes is just enough too help.