57 replies to this topic

[Just Curious]

Hello.. I'm a new member and after reading around a little bit I have found a lot of information that I never thought about. I am not paralyzed in any way so I hope it is alright for me to be posting here. I just have a few quick questions. I love to help anyone in need and honest answers would be greatly appreciated.

As a whole, do you think anyone in a wheelchair would accept assistance from people? (Getting in and or out of vehicles) or any other types of assistance you can think of?

Also, I have so many questions and sometimes I just want to ask someone how they got into the position that they are in?... Like if they have been in a wheelchair their whole life or are in there because of an accident, etc...

I guess I am wondering if these things are inappropriate or not because I am not the type of person that ever wants to offend people yet I always want to help someone in need, whether it be a simple need or a more complex need because I have been blessed with so many things in my life.
Honest opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much and God Bless,
Alan Robinson

[Kev-O]

Hey welcome to the form glad to see there are good people out there welling to learn. If i knew you then i wouldn't mind if you asked if i needed help getting in or out of a car but if i didn't know you then it would be weird. But it is ok to do little things like hold a door or open one for us just dont rush over to the door to help if your by the door then its ok. I know I am hard headed an dont like to be helped, i would rather do it myself. If some one ask's to push me like up a hill i would say no because it makes me feel helpless. So yes its ok to help but it depends what it is.

[nomis]

I like it when people ASK if I need help.
I like them even more when they LISTEN to what my reply is.
Even when I don't need help I love it when someone is generous and friendly enough to offer. I love that brief, positive interaction.

If they start pushing me without asking, and they aren't a small child, my reflex is anger.
If they try loading my wheelchair into the car without asking I'm quick to tell them No, I can do it myself. (strangers mess the job up and cause unnecessary problems)

I'm a proud, stubborn para. But I don't always get it right.

I once temporarily lived at the top of a hill. At the time I had a van I parked on the street and manually lifted my w/chair high into the van. It was a smart technique (so I thought). Anyway, one winter's morning heading to work, the chair dropped out of my cold fingers at the crucial moment, did a pivot on its own and headed off downhill. I had to ask the next person who walked by to retrieve it - by then in a hedge about a 100metres downhill. I could see them pondering whether to help me or not. They did.

Edited by nomis, 22 September 2007 - 05:35 AM.

[Joed]

I also always appreciate offers of help. Most of the time I don't need the help, but I'm grateful for the offers because I know that on any other (read: crappy) day I might just need it!

Having said that, once I've declined an offer for help, I don't want to have to keep declining when the person continues to say, "Are you sure?"

Here's a scenario I encounter frequently: During my son's little league games, I often choose to sit on a nearby grassy berm to watch the games, because the hard aluminum bleachers are just too hard on the ol' bum. I do struggle with getting up from a 'floor' position, and that generates a lot of offers to help me up, which I do appreciate. But because my body dynamics are so different from the norm, I have to move a certain way. Most people, when offering a hand to help pull me up, will try and control the movement of the lift, which inevitably makes it much more difficult for me than if I were doing it alone. So I usually will decline such an offer, although I probably could really use the help. Recently, I've started saying, "Yes, only if you let me do the pulling up and let me use you as an anchor."

So even when someone seems to be struggling, they may still prefer to do the thing themselves for reasons that may not be apparent to others.

I guess offers of help is a tricky business...kinda like poker...you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em! But genuine offers of help are always welcomed and appreciated by me.

[Tim13]

I don't mind people asking if i need help getting in or out of the car-i do mind if they persist or stand there and say "looks like you've got that down to a science" after i've politely declined their offer.
I don't mind people holding doors for me either-as long as they don't accidentally block the door doing it.
Doesn't bother me at all if someone offers to carry a large package from the store or post office for me, it would bother me if they ran off with it though.

What's really annoying is that ab s are so adamant about refusing help from me, you should see how people act when i hold a door open for them.

[Texaswheelz]

nomis, on Sep 22 2007, 12:33 AM, said:

I like it when people ASK if I need help.
I like them even more when they LISTEN to what my reply is.

That is key and I think everyone touched on it. I don't mind some one asking me if I need help, but when i reply with a "No, thanks.", then it would be nice if they would listen, the number of times people go ahead and yank my chair out of my hands when getting in or out of the car or a door when i'm trying to come in or out of one is amazing.

Also if they run across the room or parking lot or what ever to offer that assistance it is annoying as hell, although sometimes it is also funny to see some fat man that hasn't broke a fast walk in a decade all of a sudden try to sprint over to you so he can yank open the door you already have open and hold it for 2 seconds while he is about to die from breathing so hard.

Over the years we figure out how to do things that are best and easiest for us. Not once has some one that has offered and been turned down(But attempted to help anyway) for helping take my chair apart and put into my car gotten close to how I want it done. Most don't know the tires come off, don't know the seat cushion comes off, that the back folds down and then in which way I want to bring it across my body to as not to catch it on the steering wheel or my stomach. Instead they just try to pick the whole chair up and shove it at you like there is some magic portal it will squeeze into as it gets closer to my head.

My answer was No.

[russ1]

nomis, on Sep 22 2007, 06:33 AM, said:

I like it when people ASK if I need help.
I like them even more when they LISTEN to what my reply is.
Even when I don't need help I love it when someone is generous and friendly enough to offer. I love that brief, positive interaction.

If they start pushing me without asking, and they aren't a small child, my reflex is anger.
If they try loading my wheelchair into the car without asking I'm quick to tell them No, I can do it myself. (strangers mess the job up and cause unnecessary problems)

Yep - my take on it too. Getting a chair in and out of a car is a whole sight easier if someone doesn't try to help but I don't mind being asked.

If I knew you I'd not mind you asking how I got in the chair, if I didn't know you or I'd only just met you I'd consider it the height of rudeness.

[zeta]

I hate it when people I don't know offers help w/o being asked. One exception being the person in front of me holding the door open thats just being polite. Other than that I can open the door, push myself and lift my own chair Leave Me Alone.

[Lucydog]

I dont really like being asked if I need help unless im doing something quite heavy. I dont mind people holding doors as they can be awkward and heavy and its also just poilte.

I trained my old boss pretty well. He would happily stand and let me struggle because Id told him so many times I didnt need any help. He used to say, just ask if you need any help, and I was happy to do so when I did. So I guess thats sort of a question of trust. Mind you Im sure some people must have thought he was a real son of a ***** as I struggled along with him strolling by my side. But thats how I like it!!! Ill do it myself thanks!

[Deej]

nomis, on Sep 22 2007, 06:33 AM, said:

I like it when people ASK if I need help.
I like them even more when they LISTEN to what my reply is.
Even when I don't need help I love it when someone is generous and friendly enough to offer. I love that brief, positive interaction.

Tim13, on Sep 22 2007, 05:33 PM, said:

I don't mind people asking if i need help getting in or out of the car-i do mind if they persist or stand there and say "looks like you've got that down to a science" after i've politely declined their offer.
I don't mind people holding doors for me either-as long as they don't accidentally block the door doing it.

What's really annoying is that ab s are so adamant about refusing help from me, you should see how people act when i hold a door open for them.

DITTO.

I always thank people for holding doors open or waiting for me to pass through an opening before them, but it really p****s me off when I am not thanked for doing the same thing for an AB.

[silone74]

Hi I dont mind being asked either but just the other day i was taking my dog out and she did her bottom stuff just as i was going to pick it up had the bag in my hand and was already bending to get it a women came out of no where to see if i could manage to pick it up i thought it was funny some 1 offering to pick up poo 4 me lol i tried not to laugh but it was hard to keep a straight face,I dont like people stood watching me getting in or out of the car i realise they are interested in how i do it but to just stair i think is so rude i feel like telling them to p*** off.Of course if i wanted the help i would love to think some 1 would but not so sure.

Silone74.

[megatrig]

nomis, on Sep 22 2007, 06:33 AM, said:

I like it when people ASK if I need help.
I like them even more when they LISTEN to what my reply is.
Even when I don't need help I love it when someone is generous and friendly enough to offer. I love that brief, positive interaction.

If they start pushing me without asking, and they aren't a small child, my reflex is anger.
If they try loading my wheelchair into the car without asking I'm quick to tell them No, I can do it myself. (strangers mess the job up and cause unnecessary problems)

I'm a proud, stubborn para. But I don't always get it right.

I once temporarily lived at the top of a hill. At the time I had a van I parked on the street and manually lifted my w/chair high into the van. It was a smart technique (so I thought). Anyway, one winter's morning heading to work, the chair dropped out of my cold fingers at the crucial moment, did a pivot on its own and headed off downhill. I had to ask the next person who walked by to retrieve it - by then in a hedge about a 100metres downhill. I could see them pondering whether to help me or not. They did.

DITTO again

One odd thing that got me a while back was...

I was pushing up a slope and stopped to look in a shop and held myself on the slope.

All of a sudden I was going up the slope. Yep you guessed it someone was pushing me!!

It was a short slope and I was taken a bit by surprise.

Then I was at thetop of the slope. This guy said "there you go glad to help you" and walked off.

Must confess I was surprised and (oddly for me) lost for words.

I wasn't offended as such just bemused and a tad thrown. I could imagine him getting home and saying "I had to help this poor guy up a slope as he was stuck"

I sat there then turned round and went vack down the slope to look in the shop window. A wry, puzzled grin on my face!!!

[megatrig]

Tim13, on Sep 22 2007, 05:33 PM, said:

I don't mind people asking if i need help getting in or out of the car-i do mind if they persist or stand there and say "looks like you've got that down to a science" after i've politely declined their offer.
I don't mind people holding doors for me either-as long as they don't accidentally block the door doing it.
Doesn't bother me at all if someone offers to carry a large package from the store or post office for me, it would bother me if they ran off with it though.

What's really annoying is that ab s are so adamant about refusing help from me, you should see how people act when i hold a door open for them.

Have to say I often continue to hold doors open for people after going through and luckily so far have never had a negative reaction!!

[KarenFerguson]

Both my husband and I are in wheelchairs, so we get asked if we need help a lot.

I think the others before me also stated that it's okay to help only if you ask first and wait for our response.

Don't just start pushing us or grabbing our chairs and start to "help". Also, a situation I encounter which bugs me tremendously is when I'm opening a door for my husband (he's a quad) and I'm just sitting there holding the door, when someone will rush over and grab the door from me. Do I look like I need help!? Sometimes before they can grab the door I'll state that "I'm okay! Thanks!" They never listen and still grab the door. Just bothersome and kind of like a slap in the face. Thanks for reminding me I'm disabled, I had forgotten for a second.

This has also been touched on, but when I'm by myself loading my chair in or out of my car I sometimes get asked if I need help as well. First off, why would I drive somewhere by myself and not be able to get in and out of my own car? Perplexing. My usual response is "I'm fine thanks! I do this every day!". Their response is sometimes "Are you sure?" Why would I not be sure? Of course I'm sure!

So, if you feel you need to ask us if we need help please wait for our response and listen when we give it.

[wheeliebear75]

Well.........if you think about it........if a person is getting in or out of their car............and they are alone...........they may have done this by them self a few times. I think we generally appreciate the gesture and see at as an extension of kindness. The big thing like everyone else said........ASK and LISTEN to the answer. In some cases holding a door open may be a good thing (in case of a heavy door) but grabbing a door to hold it open in another instance (someone who can walk but needs canes or crutches etc.) the gesture may end the person they were intending to help sprawling on the floor.

My Mom and I were taking a taxi. I was transferring and Mom was at the side in case I needed help. The taxi driver thought the wheelchair was in the way of Mom helping me; so he helped by moving the wheelchair out of the way. The problem was that 1/2 my weight was still in the chair; so I wound up getting to know the curb REAL well. He meant well..........but he didn't ask.......he just did.

I think most Able Bodied people haven't got a clue of what a person with a disability is capable of. Many if not most of us value our independence and want to do as many things for ourselves as possible, even if it means it takes longer or is "harder" for us to do..........we still want to do it. I think it's a pretty safe assumption to say that as disabled people we're generally more underestimated than any other minority group.

I'm kinda of curios about something. (Please don't take offense to this)Why is it that you are so curious? You are able bodied and you don't have any affiliation with someone with a spinal cord injury? Just was wondering what's up............that's all.

[dave420atya]

Just Curious, on Sep 21 2007, 09:31 PM, said:

Hello.. I'm a new member and after reading around a little bit I have found a lot of information that I never thought about. I am not paralyzed in any way so I hope it is alright for me to be posting here. I just have a few quick questions. I love to help anyone in need and honest answers would be greatly appreciated.

As a whole, do you think anyone in a wheelchair would accept assistance from people? (Getting in and or out of vehicles) or any other types of assistance you can think of?

Also, I have so many questions and sometimes I just want to ask someone how they got into the position that they are in?... Like if they have been in a wheelchair their whole life or are in there because of an accident, etc...

I guess I am wondering if these things are inappropriate or not because I am not the type of person that ever wants to offend people yet I always want to help someone in need, whether it be a simple need or a more complex need because I have been blessed with so many things in my life.
Honest opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much and God Bless,
Alan Robinson

I hate it when someone is watching me struggle.So, don't stare and if I need help I'll ask for it. I struggle with things every day, it 's a part of my life that I've had to accept as a para.

[Texaswheelz]

Stopped at a store today, they were pretty slow as I was the only shopper in the while thing. I got what I needed and paid for it and then get out to my car, as I opened the door I noticed the cashier coming out to me, I thought maybe I had forgot something or dropped something out of my wallet. He just walks up and stands beside my door. I say to him what a warm day it is and he just nods. So I thought maybe he was just interested in how I got in or how I drove, but he still never said anything. I went ahead and jumped up into the passenger seat and turn around and pull off the first wheel. He watches me and as I turn back around from putting the wheel in the back seat he is struggling to pull off the 2nd wheel, he is pushing the button but pulling up at a high angle so that it isn't really coming out very well. So he proceeds to sling my chair around while trying to get it out. I didn't really know what to say to him, but I did go ahead and say "Thanks man, but I can get it" again he didn't say anything and continued trying to get it out. He finally gets it out and hands it to me, so I take it and put it in the back seat. I turn around and what do I get? The back of my chair in my face as he tries to push it in and squeeze it between me and the steering wheel, the back isn't folded and of course I turn it side ways to get it in. It took some work to get the back down and it turned while he was pushing it at me. Finally I get it in and say "Uhm, I guess thanks, but next time let me do it on my own ok?" He didn't say anything and just walked back into the store. This whole process took about 4 minutes and on my own I could have done it in less then a minute, also during this whole time he never said a word, didn't even nod or grunt or anything. It was pretty weird and I would have thought he was a mute if he hadn't told me the amount I owed when I was checking out.

It was the liquor store though, so I came home and poured myself a drink....

[megatrig]

Texaswheelz, on Sep 25 2007, 01:09 AM, said:

Stopped at a store today, they were pretty slow as I was the only shopper in the while thing. I got what I needed and paid for it and then get out to my car, as I opened the door I noticed the cashier coming out to me, I thought maybe I had forgot something or dropped something out of my wallet. He just walks up and stands beside my door. I say to him what a warm day it is and he just nods. So I thought maybe he was just interested in how I got in or how I drove, but he still never said anything. I went ahead and jumped up into the passenger seat and turn around and pull off the first wheel. He watches me and as I turn back around from putting the wheel in the back seat he is struggling to pull off the 2nd wheel, he is pushing the button but pulling up at a high angle so that it isn't really coming out very well. So he proceeds to sling my chair around while trying to get it out. I didn't really know what to say to him, but I did go ahead and say "Thanks man, but I can get it" again he didn't say anything and continued trying to get it out. He finally gets it out and hands it to me, so I take it and put it in the back seat. I turn around and what do I get? The back of my chair in my face as he tries to push it in and squeeze it between me and the steering wheel, the back isn't folded and of course I turn it side ways to get it in. It took some work to get the back down and it turned while he was pushing it at me. Finally I get it in and say "Uhm, I guess thanks, but next time let me do it on my own ok?" He didn't say anything and just walked back into the store. This whole process took about 4 minutes and on my own I could have done it in less then a minute, also during this whole time he never said a word, didn't even nod or grunt or anything. It was pretty weird and I would have thought he was a mute if he hadn't told me the amount I owed when I was checking out.

It was the liquor store though, so I came home and poured myself a drink....

I think sometimes we have to chuckle at these situations and to an extent feel sorry for the person who is ummmm "trying" to help!!!

They havethe problem not us as it were!!

I am disapointed to see the stats swinging to NO
I would have thought everyone would be pleased that the general public are more happy to approach someone in a wheelchair with a "hi need any help? ... No? Ok no worries". attitude
Rather than in ye olden days of crossing the street as it were!!

[hockeydahc]

if it were just that. "no? Okay, have a good day."

but it's always "are you sure?" or they think i'm pissy for refusing help. WHY IS THAT? if I don;t need your help, and thank you for the offer, but decline, why am I looked at to be rude?

[rkzenrage]

hockeydahc, on Sep 26 2007, 03:54 PM, said:

if it were just that. "no? Okay, have a good day."

but it's always "are you sure?" or they think i'm pissy for refusing help. WHY IS THAT? if I don;t need your help, and thank you for the offer, but decline, why am I looked at to be rude?

That.

[nomis]

hockeydahc, on Sep 27 2007, 07:54 AM, said:

if it were just that. "no? Okay, have a good day."

but it's always "are you sure?" or they think i'm pissy for refusing help. WHY IS THAT? if I don;t need your help, and thank you for the offer, but decline, why am I looked at to be rude?

Yeah, this is a strange persistent behaviour found on this southern side of the globe, too. I find if I’m more social or joking with my replies it puts people at ease and less likely to interfere. But, of course, I don’t always feel in the mood for that effort.

Tough isn’t it, that we sometimes have to suffer over helpful people. Hmmm.

[darrel]

I don't like people jumping in and helping me because they feel sorry for me, but if I'm trying to do something and I find that it is to much or to hard for me to handle, then "I" will ask for help. I'm just got "stubbern pride I geuss.

[wheels5894]

I can certainly recognise the sorts of help people are offered and I find it just a little annoying sometimes, Mind, come to think, no one has offered to lift in my new titanium chair and I have been hoping a muscular type would do so only to find the frame as light as a feather!

In previous chars I have had the chances of falling out have been higher that the present ones. Now where I used to live if one falls out there might be a few peopple star momentarily but one is on one's own to pick the mess up. One of my first visits to the town I now live in featured a fall out backwards - I had misjudged a curb. Before I could draw breath, two burly Scotsmen lifted me by the arms and dropped me back in the chair some else had righted! No that's the sort of help that come in handy!

[WheelsWithAttitude]

I think it is very nice of ppl to offer the help without being asked.
So even with stuff that I do not need/want help with I really really appreciate anyone asking. Because I am thinking, that this person goes out of his way to try and think about our situation at this particular moment.

Also, to the people here who said they hate it when someone offers, please refuse the help nicely, because the attitude one disabled person displays,directly relates to whether or not that able bodied person will offer help again in the future, to someone who might actually need or want it.

[Angela250153]

I don't mind people asking as such, but it is usually little old ladies, not too steady themselves, who ask if I need help when I wobble to get my wheelchair in or out of the boot. My usual reply is 'No thank you I have practised this a lot.' Truth is I have got my way of doing it so it is in snug and it takes me less then a minute to get it in or out.

In a supermarket I ask if something I want is high up on the shelf. At doors I often have to ask people if they insist to hold it open standing another way as I don't want to drive over their feet.

[kiwiquad]

WheelsWithAttitude, on Sep 27 2007, 11:30 PM, said:

I think it is very nice of ppl to offer the help without being asked.
So even with stuff that I do not need/want help with I really really appreciate anyone asking. Because I am thinking, that this person goes out of his way to try and think about our situation at this particular moment.

Also, to the people here who said they hate it when someone offers, please refuse the help nicely, because the attitude one disabled person displays,directly relates to whether or not that able bodied person will offer help again in the future, to someone who might actually need or want it.

I see the majority of replies have been from paras. I am a quad. who is lucky to have assistance with 80% of the things I need doing.
I totally agree with 'WheelsWithAttitude'. Not all of us can do what other's can, & I never refuse assistance (more rather to assist my carer than myself) so please heed the above reply.
I personally love 'helpers' like JustCurious... I was married to one for 13yrs.

Edited by kiwigurl, 14 October 2007 - 09:02 AM.

[wheelz1967]

The original question is so badly worded! If you NEED help, then of course you're going to want or NEED it. There's different degrees of disabilities.
Someone who's able to perform a task can be compared to an able-bodied person at a supermarket. You've just been asked if you want your groceries loaded into your vehicle. Your answer will depend on your level of disability and your dispostion. This holds true for anyone (everyone could use help once in a while).

[macca]

If anyone approaches me as I'm getting in/out of the car, and offers to help, then I usually reply," Today I can manage, but I really appreciate you stopping to offer to help me." I say this because I don't want any AB to be put off asking someone who may need help. My reply has never offended anyone and I don't feel as though my ability has been questioned.

Some time ago I broke my ribs and I know how bloody painful it was to get the w/chair in/out the car, and would have given anything for someone to stop and offer help!!!!!!

In Supermarkets, if I'm asked if I need help reaching anything, I use the same courteous reply. Never had any problems with that. Sometimes further round the store I've had to smile and ask if someone who previously offered help, could reach something too high for me to reach, this they have done with a smile in return.

Just be courteous, it doesn't cost you anything, but may make an AB who was refused last time, still make the offer next time.

[miss piggy]

Hi macca
I think that is a really nice reply

[barber1]

I like the least amount of assitance possible accept when I'm lazy