57 replies to this topic

[hanguk]

really depends on the situation... in most cases the answer is no and the most important thing is, as others have said, to ask first and not insist if I say no! and please don't stand there and stare at me and watch me struggle if I say no.
getting in and out of cars - I don't drive but when getting in the car, I do need someone to put the chair in the back seat. I will explain to you how to do it because most people don't know how. Getting into a regular car I can do myself and it's really easier to do that myself. If it's a van or truck a boost up is appreciated - but most people don't know how to help and will grab my arms rendering me totally helpless or hold out their hand for my to steady myself on, when what they really need is to grab my legs while I use my arms.
if I fall out of the chair I'd definitely want help and hope you'll ask.
doors - only if you are in front of me because it would just be silly for me to barge in front of you just to show I can open it myself. But if I'm in front of you, I'll hold it for you - I don't want to get out of the way and wait while you open it, especially if you put your feet right where I have to move.
doing the laundry in the laundry room - no.
using the toilet - no.
here's what I really hate - if I'm in the way and you take my chair and start pushing it to move me somewhere else. If someone is standing in your way you wouldn't push him in the direction you want him to go... so don't try it on me either.
not really answer to question but here's something that was irritating - I went out in the rain because I needed to go to the bank. I lady I passed on the way said "it's raining." I said "yes it is". She repeated that it was raining. Was I supposed to turn back and go home? I have things to do also.

[longhaul]

You said "Also, I have so many questions and sometimes I just want to ask someone how they got into the position that they are in?... Like if they have been in a wheelchair their whole life or are in there because of an accident, etc..." Why do you need to know what happened what good will it do for you to know will it make a difference if it was a wreak or a shooting and remember you are asking a person to go back to a very painful time and you could ruin someones perfectly good day because of a your morbid curiosity.

[hanguk]

that's right, I don't want to be asked why I'm in the chair, at least not until I get to know someone. Everytime someone starts out with "Can I ask you a personal question?" I know what's coming. Also get tired of hearing "was it a car accident?"

[Slowlegs]

I was in a chair for a while and I had good and bad days. Sometimes I would mind, some days I wouldn't. I think as most on here have pointed out, always ask first. As for asking "what did you do to yourself" or "what did you do to your leg", no, no, no, no, no. To me it would be like going up to someone and saying "I couldn't help noticing, but why do you drive such a crappy car"? Just a big no-no to me. Fair enough if you have offered to help and help has been accepted or you have known someone for a while. I just feel like I would prefer someone to be interested in something other than that. If you are under about 9 years old though, not really a problem.

I have a story though. Because I now walk and can do a pretty good impression of a good walk if I do say so myself, I now have two walks. One, my "formal" walk I use for job interviews or hot dates which is a pretty good impression of a proper walk or my casual "wearing jeans, hey it's the weekend, no sweat dude, yes I do walk funny" kind of walk. As they say, you can fool some of the people all the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time or something like that. But sometimes some people are just fools.

Most of the time I use my "casual walk" although other times my job interview or "formal walk" is more appropriate. Anyhow, I was "casually" walking through the local shopping centre on a hot Saturday, using of course my entirely appropriate "casual" walk. A guy in the bus shelter yells out, "hey, what did you do to your leg?" Normally I wouldn't mind but after a while you get a bit sick of being defined by just that. My medical history is mine and I share it if I feel like it. I hadn't planned it but said back to him "nothing, I am playing the part of quasimodo in a play in a few weeks time and was practicing my walk". Anyhow, on cue (as any great actor pretending he is playing the part of quasimodo in a few weeks does) I switched to formal mode. I had to cross the crossing and looked back and smiled at this guy who was standing there looking puzzled at me.

I am not sure if he was convinced or just thought I was nuts but I really don't care. I was able to make him feel awkward instead of feeling awkward and it felt pretty damn good.

But thanks for asking as sometimes it is nice to get help, my friends know me so know when to just jump in and help but strangers should always ask in my opinion.

[azx43]

I completely agree with practically everyone here. . . ASK first and then LISTEN!! I am in a fairly lightweight chair that really isn't an effort to push, I can open doors on my own, get in/out of the car by myself, etc. I do fine on my own.

I hate it when people see only the chair and assume that I need help. I have had people grab my c hair, doors, my dog, etc., etc., out of my hands because they see "that poor unfortunate girl who needs help with everything."

Has anyone ever had a total stranger come up to them and demand to know your entire medical history BECAUSE they are a nurse or a doctor. or (it gets better) they know your parents? I always think that if these people were really what they say they were, they would know better! "I'm a nurse," a woman says. "What happened to you?" This is out in public, NOT in the emergency room!

I have a partial solution to the problem of folks who assume that I need help: be very polite but also very firm. If someone grabs a door or something else out of my hands, I will often take it back from them with a smile and a firm "It's alright, thanks!" Sometimes I have to repeat myself, but people get the message.

[Travelling Blackbird]

As quite a few people have already said, provided someone asks if I need help, and listens to the reply, then I don't mind. Sometimes I need help, sometimes I don't. I'm stubborn enough to always try on my own, but sometimes I need someone to give me a hand.

I like macca's answer to "Do you need help?" - it's better than my standard "No, I'm stubborn enough to do this on my own"!

As for your other question, I prefer not to talk about how it happened with people I don't know, so if someone asks me on the bus or in the street, I'm not pleased. I've learned to be polite and firm in saying no though!

[megatrig]

Ok for all those people who said .. NO ... Think hard about this ... so you get in the car. Flick your brakes off. You sneeze/slip/whatever. Then ... Your chair roles away! oh yes it does so happen!

Is your answer still ... NO .. to help??? Go on is it really that bad for some passerby to say "here you go. Guess you might need that at the other end" Then you have a quick laugh with them and say "cheers" . Start your car and drive off.

Think hard! Sods law says you'll have the exact scenerio happen tomorrow! lol

[Travelling Blackbird]

megatrig, on Sep 7 2008, 06:39 PM, said:

Ok for all those people who said .. NO ... Think hard about this ... so you get in the car. Flick your brakes off. You sneeze/slip/whatever. Then ... Your chair roles away! oh yes it does so happen!

Is your answer still ... NO .. to help??? Go on is it really that bad for some passerby to say "here you go. Guess you might need that at the other end" Then you have a quick laugh with them and say "cheers" . Start your car and drive off.

Think hard! Sods law says you'll have the exact scenerio happen tomorrow! lol

In another thread on here, there's that story exactly.

(It was probably you that posted it... I can't find it now to check!)

[Slowlegs]

kiwigurl, on Oct 14 2007, 08:58 AM, said:

WheelsWithAttitude, on Sep 27 2007, 11:30 PM, said:

I think it is very nice of ppl to offer the help without being asked.
So even with stuff that I do not need/want help with I really really appreciate anyone asking. Because I am thinking, that this person goes out of his way to try and think about our situation at this particular moment.

Also, to the people here who said they hate it when someone offers, please refuse the help nicely, because the attitude one disabled person displays,directly relates to whether or not that able bodied person will offer help again in the future, to someone who might actually need or want it.

I see the majority of replies have been from paras. I am a quad. who is lucky to have assistance with 80% of the things I need doing.
I totally agree with 'WheelsWithAttitude'. Not all of us can do what other's can, & I never refuse assistance (more rather to assist my carer than myself) so please heed the above reply.
I personally love 'helpers' like JustCurious... I was married to one for 13yrs.

Hi, great point. A number of years ago I worked in a corporate office. If I see someone coming (man, woman, black, white, ab, not or whatever) up to a door, I will hold the door open. It is common courtesy and something I have always done. I suppose I used to do it more after I started walking with two sticks and found it hard to get through them in a hurry without thinking I would hold people up. Opening a door for someone just made it easier. One day a woman walked up to one of the twin glass doors I was walking through and I held it open. She let out an audible sigh and pushed the other door open and barged through. A couple of days later I was walking through the same door and she was approaching from the other side. I opened the door and held it open so she could walk through. She stopped and sighed again and walked back the other way. By then I got the message. She didn't want it opened for her. About a week after I was walking through the same door (into the caf) and she was walking behind me. I saw her coming up behind me and briefly held it open, then it clicked that she didn't want the door opened so I let it close. She glared at me like I had just eaten her new born baby. For quite a while later I was cautious of opening doors, especially to women. I think people can also feel the same way to anyone who rips into them for doing something when they were genuinely trying to do a good deed.

Edited by Slowlegs, 08 September 2008 - 07:39 AM.

[Travelling Blackbird]

Slowlegs, on Sep 8 2008, 09:21 AM, said:

Hi, great point. A number of years ago I worked in a corporate office. If I see someone coming (man, woman, black, white, ab, not or whatever) up to a door, I will hold the door open. It is common courtesy and something I have always done. I suppose I used to do it more after I started walking with two sticks and found it hard to get through them in a hurry without thinking I would hold people up. Opening a door for someone just made it easier. One day a woman walked up to one of the twin glass doors I was walking through and I held it open. She let out an audible sigh and pushed the other door open and barged through. A couple of days later I was walking through the same door and she was approaching from the other side. I opened the door and held it open so she could walk through. She stopped and sighed again and walked back the other way. By then I got the message. She didn't want it opened for her. About a week after I was walking through the same door (into the caf) and she was walking behind me. I saw her coming up behind me and briefly held it open, then it clicked that she didn't want the door opened so I let it close. She glared at me like I had just eaten her new born baby. For quite a while later I was cautious of opening doors, especially to women. I think people can also feel the same way to anyone who rips into them for doing something when they were genuinely trying to do a good deed.

There was a period when I met a lot of women who reacted strongly and negatively if I opened a door for them; this was before I was in the wheelchair, must have been the early nineties. The thing was, I would've done the same thing for a man who was walking behind me - it's courtesy. But I think there was a period of time when a lot of women felt it was somehow patronizing. I don't get much chance to hold doors open for anyone these days, it seems to freak people out a little. Maybe it's the eye patch!

[E-DOG]

I have spent the better part of my life bending over backwards to help people. All it's ever gotten me was my face stepped on. I will accept any and all help offered. and if it ain't offered I'll ask for it. As for a tip?
I tell 'em "yo, don't mess yer back up."
E

[azx43]

Clara, on Sep 14 2008, 04:31 AM, said:

Same again, offers are good, insisting is bad, doing it anyway is gonna get you a serious foot-flattening. Like when people push my powerchair from behind up a ramp. Can you manage, and straight away start pushing. Don't push it you will BREAK it. The other thing is why ask with something really everyday? Like, if I couldn't put my chair in the car I wouldn't be going out every day, you think I am going to hijack a stranger everywhere I go? But if I am somewhere unusual then yeah, offer help. Especially the growing number of toilets where there is no pull bar on the inside of the door, so you have to be able to reach over your own shoulder to hold onto the lock bolt to shut the door - what's that about?!

My biggest peeve though is a friend of mine from pre-wheely days who has changed so much since, and is very worried about what other people will think of HIM if he is seen by them not helping. I want to get the drinks from the bar, I want to do the normal everyday things, thanks, I will tell you if I would like some help, and invite you to hang your stuff over my chair if it makes it easier for you - heck I can be useful too! I say to him sometimes I would like to get that door because it is the sort I need practice at and he is embarassed to watch me try and not interfere.

Clara, I know how you feel with being peeved at the friend for being concerned what others think. Sometimes I think (and I've mentioned this, too!) that guys have sometimes struggle to strike a balance between being polite and helpful, as society in general expects them to be, and also letting their female friends be independent. Most likely, your friend, like a lot of people, was raised to be chivalrous, to open doors for women, etc. Old-fashioned manners in modern times! At the same time, he wants you to be happy, so he must walk a thin line between helping and not. A lot of guys I have talked to have trouble with this, and it's not their fault. Society expects stuff of them, too.

Edited by azx43, 16 September 2008 - 01:04 AM.

[qbounce]

When would it EVER hurt you to allow someone the graceful gesture of holding a door open?
At best you made that persons day by allowing them to do a good deed. On top of which, you've saved your shoulder an extra door openning for another day.

Sometimes we have to put our ego's aside. We KNOW what our abilities are. Does it REALLY matter if a perfect stranger doesn't?
This ONLY refers to door openings btw.

[megatrig]

Actually when going through doors I'll often (always) clance behind and if someones following me I'll stop and hold the door. Pritty much till now I haven't given it a second thought!!!!

You get the "thanks very much" and you both go your seperate ways!!

Just being polite!

I sometimes think we OVERTHINK things!! If you follow?

[Texaswheelz]

opening doors is what it seems to come down to most. i work in retail at the moment and so i get in and out of the door to our store quite often. if there is no one around i have no problems, if there are people coming in or out, the opposite of me and using the other door i have no problems, if there is some one in front of me or coming the opposite direction of me and stops and holds the door open for me i have no problems.
the problem i have is when there is no one around and i open the door and then out of nowhere some one runs up and grabs it from me and almost pulls me out of the chair or when they run ahead of me from behind and open it while standing in it so that i'll run over their toes if i try to go on in, then when i hold the door myself and tell them to go ahead, figuring they will go on up and open the next door, yet they still stand there holding the door and standing in the way and i have a problem when i am the first to a door and stop and hold the door open for some one to come in or out and instead of doing that they stop and take the door away from me and even after i say i have it, they continue to stand there.

I had a lady the last day i worked that falls into the above category of who i have a problem with. i was about about 5 foot from the door coming down the sidewalk from the right side, she was about 10 foot coming from the left. so i got to the door first and opened it as wide as it could go and was somewhat to the side/behind it, and smiled at her and kind of nodded that i had it and for her to go on in and she could get the next door. instead she walks over behind me and "Oh dear, let me get that for you", i let her know that i had it and was fine, if she would go on in. so instead she stands there and tries to push me around the door and inside, like i was stuck and unable to move. i again told her that i was fine, but she continued to try and push me through. i finally just gave up on her and let go of the door, rolled up grabbed the other door, pulled it open and went through, letting it close behind me before she could get to it. Rude? yes probably, but i feel that i put up with that shit so much that i some times just don't care to deal with it.

[qbounce]

Sorry Texas,
But this was something I guess I was reffering to. Make life easier for yourself sometimes. You know your abilities, so really don't need to PROVE anything to anyone. Letting the older woman Believe she's done a good deed is so much easier than fighting over a door, imho.

[Nickleblue]

I'm learning so much from you guys all the time.
Thanks
Gary.

[Heather1984]

It depends on the situation. I don't like people to push me it makes me feel like i'm a little kid again and somebody has to hold my hand. I don't mind if there is something I can't reach and sombody gets it for me , things I can't do myself I don't mind at all if somebody helps me. I just like to try to do most things by myself it makes me feel more independant

[Murray]

I gotta be careful! Been livin' with this gal (fiancee now) for about 2-1/2 years. It's easy to ask for a hand with little things .... but too easy. I catch myself sometimes. Just yesterday I told her say NO when I get lazy and ask for a favor. I can dump my own piss bag, mix my own morning brew, get outta the lazy boy, into the w/c and do the dishes. And the list is a lot longer. I'll take assistance from a walkie who doesn't know any better (opens a door and stands in the way); otherwise, I HAVE to take care of myself as much as I can.

[Emily74]

I asked my husband, and he chose 'Yes', so I voted that.

We were in Tennessee last year, and what left the biggest impression was how everytime we stopped, and someone noticed the wheelchair, they always offered to help, which I more than gladly accepted! Here in Michigan, my husband once in a desperate situation ASKED passerbys to help. Most just looked at my husband as if he had two heads, and cont'd to walk on. NOONE ever helped him! Wish insurance would cover one of those fancy vans that have the lift. Unfortunately it does not. Since that day, my husband no longer travels alone.

AB people help each other out all the time. I just dont see it as a big deal. As long as they follow instructions we are glad for the help. So far all have been good listeners, except one realtor, who got 'bit' on both hands by the wheelchair, when unfolding it. He shoulda slowed down and listened. He listened after that, lol.

[allister]

Depends on the situation.
Shop / office doors that have those damm hard springs to close themselves 99% need assistance. The one at my doctors is wicked and the 3 ladys on reception always ask once you've done it "Did you need ny help there ?" Errr Yeh, but its too late now isn't it , they never get up and help. I just knotch up yet another dent on the chair!

In/Out the car, I'm more than fine thanks.
Carry things for you...Yes please

[Murray]

allister, on Jul 10 2009, 12:36 AM, said:

Depends on the situation.
Shop / office doors that have those damm hard springs to close themselves 99% need assistance. The one at my doctors is wicked and the 3 ladys on reception always ask once you've done it "Did you need ny help there ?" Errr Yeh, but its too late now isn't it , they never get up and help. I just knotch up yet another dent on the chair!

In/Out the car, I'm more than fine thanks.
Carry things for you...Yes please

I generally try to leave a good dent in the door with the foot plate - that, or break the glass. Restaurant's are the killers - I think they want folks to get stuck inside in case of a fire!

Knock 'em dead!

[twisted_ophelia]

Nope, not strangers. Not unless I really really really need the help. Even friends know not to help me unless I need it. I'd rather just rely on myself. I would never let a stranger help me get in and out of my car (and I drive a larger SUV). They ask me almost every time I'm out alone and I always politely smile and say no thanks because I appreciate them trying to be nice but I don't need the help nor do I want it.

[USMC_FMAgirl058]

I'm in agreement with most of the others on the majority of what they've said.

It depends on the situation and if I say no, don't touch, and if I say yes, then listen to what I'm about to tell you because I can guarantee that you won't know all the little steps. I have to laugh though when someone see's me heading for a door and nearly sprint ahead to open it for me. They get the not standing in the way part, but then there's sometimes a second door on the other side. They'll suddenly remember its there and make a move to open it, but I've already got it open and holding it for them to pass through. Its always funny.

What makes me laugh more is when I'm sitting around waiting for someone to show up or something and every person that walks by asks me if I need help or waves to me, but completely misses the person they walk past next. Eventually it'll probably get on my nerves, but until then I enjoy it.

Just like what the other's say though. Ask and listen. It's the best way not to aggravate someone. You might eventually anyway though. It happens so just shrug and keep moving.

[CR_L1]

It really depends on the situation & I am an independent stubborn ass at times, to stubborn for my own good & if I need help I’ll ask for it.
As for people holding doors open etc, does not bother me as I see this as old fashioned good manners, (which very few people seem to have these days) I still hold doors open for people myself.
but nomatter how independent I may be there are times when help is required.

[WetRain]

hello all

got to say agree with quite a few comments on here, think I've given up telling folks its fine when opening the doors n if they stand in the door way I will ask once for them to watch thier toes as this dont take prisoners, but then i just go for it and appologise after, i'm sure they will think about where they put there size 10's next time

and as for the can I ask you a personaly question well that all depends on my mood to what answer they get
things like was it a accident? i say no planned it ,,,, can I ask you a personal question? only if I can ask you one which does course a worried look on thier face


hopes all is well

Mark

[alex4bs]

when a stranger wants to help i reply yes if you listen how i wish you assist me most ab listen to me whith a little team work the job gets done some days im able to do things on my own>have loads of friends whom were compleat strangers just through my wheel chair>>>alex

[4estGimp]

I wish there were an option for "Oh hell no" or maybe "would you people please stop slowing me down".