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Every day since I will learn a new pain, feel an old pain, tackle new yet old tasks, learn things I already knew but in a different way, one struggle after another, one day after another, and it never seems to end. But everyone learns new things everyday and tackles tasks to live even the simplest of lives. So why would my struggles be any different then everyone else? It’s the feeling of being behind. Everyday goes by so fast and nothing more gets done than just the basic daily functions. It’s so hard to catch up, let alone keep up, when the rest of the world has been up working, interacting, dating, loving, playing, talking and living life while I am still waiting for help to get dressed and get up into this contraption that is supposed to help replace the mobility my body once provided me without even a thought. Days go by, years go by, and many things happen. Good things, bad things, and things I’m happy to have been able to experience.
Then just after 9 years of this new life I had to shut my eyes again. This time by choice to stop the growth of a cyst that threatened to take away what little mobility I had left in my left arm. I had been through many surgeries before so I felt no anxiety and no fear. It felt as though I was going in to take a finale exam that I was well prepared for. Before they could even tell me to relax and start the countdown, I had already put myself into a deep meditation. I had never gone under like this before. It just felt like the thing to do at that moment. I never even felt the medication flow into my veins. I went straight into a deep, deep sleep.
Again, it was quiet. All the pains had disappeared, again. This time I saw something. I WAS somewhere, but almost like nowhere. It was even more peaceful than before. Then this purely, bright, white light, full of energy like I had never felt before, shone down on me and lifted me bringing my attention up. All I could see was this silhouette of what looked to be a manlike figure with arms wide open as if ready to embrace me, standing in front of this intense light. He looked to be wearing a long robe that widened as it drew down to his feet. I can’t begin to describe what I felt because it was something I could never even imagine being replicated in this life. It was pure. It was calming yet spirit lifting. It felt like many lifetimes all in but a moments time. It felt as though I was here before but I couldn’t remember when or how I got there then, I just knew it felt familiar. Nothing was said and I heard not even the slightest of sounds, but there was a message.
Suddenly I was pulled back, ever so quickly. I could only imagine it as being sucked backwards through a black hole and it squeezed, stretched, and pulled me in so fast that there was no resisting. And then my eyes opened. I burst out with a single breath and screamed in the most excruciating pain. The whole back of my neck, from shoulder to shoulder, and as far down my back I could feel, burned and stung like I was being sliced open with a burning torch from the base of my skull all the way down my back. This time I woke up and knew where I was and I knew what I had to do.
I picked up where I left off. I fought through the pain. I had been dealing with pain for this long. I could get through this easily. So I went on again, but then the pains grew stronger. My pace slowed. My thoughts grew denser and deeper than ever before but always locked deep within and hardly ever exposed. I wanted less, almost nothing more than to just get through each day quickly and with as little struggle, confrontation, or pain as possible. Life went on again, but this time with a different meaning.
My main inspiration in this world and a man who could make the best of the worst anytime had left me without a word. I miss him dearly and I long for the day I will see him again. Though, I did once, in a vision I had during a Reiki session with my step dad. He was sitting across a silvery, gleaming river with another friend that was one of the first to inspire me after the first time I woke. I felt that energy and peacefulness again but I remember feeling an overwhelming desire to cross that river and be with them. And then they spoke. “Just keep on keeping on and do what you need to get through the days. It won’t be long.” It saddened me deeply that I could not join them. “Why not now,” I wanted to say, but they were gone before I could barley ask. I yearn for the day I will be across that river and able to join my friends.
The more I think back the more visions I can remember having since early childhood. My obsession with earthly storms, lightening, tornadoes and the energy they harness. The energy released when the ground beneath our feet opens up and swallows lives in an instant like a whale taking a mouthful of plankton in one bite. How whole mountains open up and release a storm of fire down its slopes and super heated black clouds that fill the sky from horizon to horizon. And the way that the water that gives us life can rise up from the depths of the ocean and wash clean almost an entire continent. The energy held within and upon this earth is the same energy I felt from that light that lifted me up that one time. Here is where I came from. Here is where I will return.
The silhouetted man comes to my dreams and enters my mind constantly. Visions that used to haunt me, threaten me no more. Though I feel more tired today than I have ever before, things in this life make more sense than I ever thought to imagine. I want life, love, happiness, forgiveness, peacefulness and help for everyone and every living thing in this life but not for myself. My happiness and peacefulness is to see it everywhere else. It saddens me when I don’t see the same from anyone else, but I love them none the less and only hope that one day they’ll open up see.
The countdown has begun and I can all but wait for that silhouetted man to come and finish that message. Our conversation is on hold but the message will be sent again soon. I feel it deep inside wear only souls can reach. The question is will I be ready? Will they be ready for me? Will you be ready?
August H.
Graham my friend, we need to talk, soon.
Edited by gustifer, 29 September 2007 - 07:24 PM.
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