8 replies to this topic

[darrel]

I know you have read alot of the crap that I put out, some of it is heart felt and honest, then I have my moments of being a smart ass. Not to mention my small little tantrum. This thread is about me and I am putting it in this forum because I don't know where else to put it, and may be some of you that have been through this stage in your life will relate to it.

For those that haven't reached this level yet, get ready for the emotional ride of your life.

I was born and raised outside of Portland, Oregon. My best friend lived two houses down the road, almost a quarter mile, in 1976 we moved to Ketchikan, Alaska. I got my Jr. high there and then my mom moved us back to Oregon. I started high school in Portland, after about six months of trying to fit in and after an assult and battery charge I chose to drop out. I will let you know now, I was born with a double cleft pallet and went through five surgeries to correct it. I had to learn how to fight at an early age, and found myself in trouble alot of times.

By this time in my life I had learned at that time the most important things in life:

1) Always respect your elders, they know alot, learn from them.
2) Be honest , lies will always come back to haunt you, or bite you in the ass.
3) Work for what you want in life, don't steal a man has to work to hard for what little he has.
4) Make an honest dollar, don't be a hustler.
5) The only stupid question is the one that is never asked
6) Speak your mind, for if you don't you'll become vunerable(or postal)
7) Try to keep a good sence of humor, it can always get worse.
8) Learn all you can, the more you know the less labor you do, and the more you make.

I joined the job corp and was learning forestry, and I started working for the forestry dept. making trails and replanting clear cuts. After about 8 mo. I decided in order to get ahead in life. I needed more education so I joined the navy at 17 and got my G.E.D. and made my way up to E4 (3rd class petty officer) on a troop transport deck division.

Then I started letting my drug habit get the best of me and I got the boot. I headed up to Seattle and got involved in the drug trade through friends of the family and they took me under there wing, I had made several trips to southern Cal. and drove a car back. This lasted about three years until there started being home invasions involving guns, my friends started buying guns for protection that never bothered me until the dead head acid come out and one friend was experimenting a little too much with it and playing with a gun. I don't know if he did it on purpose or if he was tripping to hard, he ended up blowing his head off either way. that was when I decided that this is not the life I wanted.

I started working up in Alaska on the fish prossessors. I did this for eight years. during the off season I went back to school to learn water/waste water management. I got my assos. degree and decided that this was going to be a shitty job that I wasn't going to be willing to do. I worked a couple more years up north on the boats and While I was doing my thing I found that my Grandparents decided to move back to Illinois. I felt that I wasn't getting any younger so I left Alaska and came to Illinois to be near my grands.

I worked up in chicago for sevral years and hated the city, I was around drugs all my life but when I look at the the streets around Irving Park and Polaski, Elston there was to much drug problems and thieves and husslers, I had to leave, I went to Oklahoma for a couple of years before I moved back to Illinois (Galesburge area) this was alot better than the city. I worked the area got to know people that way I had a foot in the door at some of these bigger factory that were union then NAFTA happened, factories started closing around here and going to Mexico.

I did finally get in with a mfg.co. that makes farm implements for John Deere, making good money for this area 40-60 hrs/wk, I bought a nice trailer, then I met my G/F. Then my family strarted dieing off. That is a part of life. I have two sisters that I am not close to, I was brought up as an only child.

I had finally found purpose and happiness in my life. My G/F of six years, a home, a good job, big boy toys, my life was looking good. I had my share of accidents and then some, I'm a klutz.

But what happened that 24th night of Jan.'06 changed my world completly upside down.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, I got off work, I hadn't been feeling very well for several days, I took some cold med. and about to jump in the shower, when a co-worker called and said that he had an extra deer hanging if I wanted it. There was going to be others showing up to process there deer also. So I got my coveralls back on and got the ol'lady gathered up and went out to his house, we get there and open the door to the barn, he had 9 deer hanging and nobody by him & his wife. we start on one, kidding around talking smak. I finish the deer he gave us and I offer to stick around and do a couple more to help him out. I started on the next deer and the pully system slipped and the deer fell and the end of the rope went up in the rafters. I grabbed a ladder and climbed up to get it, I reached up for it,.... the next thing I remember was laying face down in a puddle of blood.

I went to get up and found that I coudn't move my arms, I asked for help and they thought that I was kidding around, my ol'lady finally quit laughing when I said I was serious. They rolled me over and out of the blood they grabbed a bunch of paper towels for my face, and ask if I wanted them to call the ambulance. knowing this county I said no just load me in the van and get me to the hospital it will be faster.

During the first week in I spent between CICU, ICU Neuro ward, and the only info that I could find out is that I had a gash running from the middle of one eyebrow to the middle of the other, a broken nose that needs reconstuctive surgery, my pallet had shifted, I was told that i had damaged my cervicals C3-C6 and that I would need surgery done. I finally got movement back in my arms and I was able to feed myself with the use of a strap/clip type thing the Dr. that was to do the surgery on my neck told me that I would be lucky to see 70% recovery .

After a month I had learned how to walk all over again with the aide of a walker, I could walk about 50 ft but I had this problem with spasticity, my foot drops as if I am trying to straighten it, I can bend it about an inch, my big toe wants to curl under my other toes and I can hardly bend my leg, I have use of thumb, index finger, middle finger of both hands I have 50% pressure in left hand and 5% pressure of left hand very limited ROM of right hand and wrist. They did surgery one month after the fall and sent me home the next day. I healed up good started rehab, did that for close to 18 months.

10months later after the fall I'm all set up for my reconstrucive on my nose, when the EKG comes back showing that I had a heart attack around ten months ago(gee that fits in about right) they set me up with an angioplasti they found a clogged vein but could not put a stent in so they are treating it chemically(with pills). They showed me with the ultra sound how my heart is beating then it will balloon out on the lower half and go back to normal. Dr. told me if I didn't stop smoking that I would need a bi-pass by the time I'm 55 if the next heart attack didn't kill me.

My G/F youngest grandson was born a week before my fall and I would like to watch him grow up, so I quit smoking.

Here it is almost a year later finally getting my reconstrucive on my nose. I got it all schedulled and everything and my therapy Dr. sets up up a testing for a baclofen pump a week later. I want the baclofen pump because I've tried all the pills and I still have bad spasms the spasticity has not got any better.

Now I'm getting scared that I may lose musscle use after the pump is installed I think that I could trade the use of what leg use I have and be able to use the hand. At least I could drive with hand controls, right now I can't do much with it (like wipe my butt).

You who are new to this kind of life, you will get to this stage as I call it of rehab. Those that have been through this and over came it, I respect you.

This stage that I am talking about is the fear. I have always been self sufficient, I have always been able to do any thing I wanted to do. now all that is gone. I have to have someone around almost constantly. I am dependant on someone else, I can't rely on myself any more. I try to do simple things, it takes alot longer time and then there is the recuperation time I must take into account, I have reached the depression era, and it sucks after this month is over I hope that I can put this stage behind me.

Those of you, who are new to a spinal injury, you should thank the man who started these sites.

Thank you Simon.

This will probably be the only way you can discuss your problems to someone who truelly knows. I can't talk to my G/F about my feelings she would think it is her fault when in reality it is nobody's fault, it is an emotion, which you have to overcome. This may be the first time that I have put these words down with out crying over them. So far this has been the biggest hurdle that I have had. I'm sure there will be others, but none will come close to this one.

Good luck with your battles, don't be affraid to talk to someone, its even easier when you don't see them.

Darrel

[alyssa]

Wow, thank you for sharing that.

The fear stage i think is something I never left. It comes and goes. I fear for the future, where will i be? who will be there? Theres always something lurking in my mind..I've deffenitly learned never hold back, anything can happen and change your life forever...

[PetitMortVampyre]

My respect and appreciation for all you are going thru... as a fellow klutz, I send white light (aka prayers if you want to look at it that way) to you.

I am sorry you can't talk to your gf about this.. but I do understand why. As a cancer patient (and the obvious klutz) there are many things I can not share even with my own family and friends, and def not in any relationship I have been in, have I been able to open up 100%.

I do indeed thank Simon for this Forum, when I was interested in the one fellow, I wanted and needed to understand what I was walking into, ok, hobbling as I had already been on the crutches for several months. I was welcomed, and informed on what I was facing, and felt I coud indeed accept what was going on, as long as I had the people here! It did not work out, our schedules just clashed, and the rabbit in me, ran away. But I stayed as I found friends here, and just a great group of people, in general.

My love for all, SCI, loved ones of, and anyone, who can empathize with life in a chair, braces, walker, etc. We are all human (well I have a few doubts about a few ex's) and the path we are each on, is for a reason... They were not kidding when they said life is not fair.. It hates me.

Goddess Bless
Corvette aka Klutzy Vampyre.

[Jsec64]

Respect to you my friend!!
You have an inner strength greater than most and better than mine.

[nomis]

QUOTE darrel: This stage that I am talking about is the fear. I have always been self sufficient, I have always been able to do any thing I wanted to do. now all that is gone. I have to have someone around almost constantly. I am dependant on someone else, I can't rely on myself any more. I try to do simple things, it takes alot longer time and then there is the recuperation time I must take into account, I have reached the depression era, and it sucks after this month is over I hope that I can put this stage behind me.

That’s some story, darrel. You’ve got a wealth of varied experience from which to take strength.

I think the fear you speak of is common to all of us at times. I guess it’s up to us to make sure that our fear works for us rather than against us.

When I’m faced with a fear, it is my mind trying to jump itself into the future to answer something that is not yet known. When I think the outcome will be good, I call it excitement. If I think it’s going to be bad, I call it fear. But often I’m hopping from good to bad to good to…and I’m wondering if fear and excitement are the same thing. Either way, it gets my brain working sharper and raises my energy.

You’re obviously coming to grips with the size of the challenge you’ve got ahead of you. Much of that involves reinventing your life. It might be the biggest job you’ve faced but it’s not the first time you’ve faced a big challenge judging by your background.

I think your posting here is pretty revealing. You’re a thinking guy and you can express yourself clearly in words. I reckon you should expand those skills to tell your partner what is really going on. You’ve indicated that she will have trouble with that kind of intimate communication so it’s going to up to you to be strong enough to get things started.

From what I know about myself, I’ll take a punt with your situation. Are you man enough to let your partner see your vulnerable, ‘weak’ side? Can you share your fears and your tears? That takes courage but it’s there for the taking and will only make you stronger. If you feel like your bumbling and mumbling your speech just let it happen - the best things are always the hardest to say.

Now, if you think I’m an idiot, you’re probably right and I won’t argue. On the other hand, if you’re a similar idiot to me, something here might have some use.

Oh, I hope you look pretty for your partner after the nose job.

[darrel]

hey, thank you for your thoughts.
yes, I know I need to open up to her about the emotional hurdle I am facing, I think she knows but is staying quiet about it. she has been through the "Denial" phase, and she stuck with me through the "Anger" phase this has been hard on her to I know it, and I try to express my love to her,and she knows and understands, I have told her that I think I'm going through depression. She goes in to see the Dr.'s with me and they have asked if I have had any depression, my come back is always the same "what do you think?" then as normal I start kidding around. and nothing else is said about it. Linda knows me far too well, I have a habit of making jokes and kidding around to hide my true emotions. and she has explaned that to people that have asked her if I really understand the severity of things.
We got our computer hooked up to the internet so that I could find more info about spinal injuries and to find support groups to find out if the sensations that I have are normal to others.
I don't know about others that have been injured but I do know about me. the Dr.'s never really explained things in laymans terms, I have had to learn all this on my own. some one got snootty over on "care cure" and I had to bring them down to reality. I had to explain that I was sorry that at none of the jobs that I had worked at we never discussed spinal injuries it was "oh man, you f***ed your back up, that sucks.... got any good pain killers? I could go on and on but you seem to know where I am coming from. and if I can help others with some of their hurdles, well I geuss I have found a purpose for the time being .

now about that coment about looking good for her... the botox shots didn't make me look any younger and I think Linda showed the Dr. a picture while my back was turned, so if I look in the mirror and see a dildo attached to my face I'll know who to blame..

[PetitMortVampyre]

darrel, on Oct 4 2007, 08:31 PM, said:

now about that coment about looking good for her... the botox shots didn't make me look any younger and I think Linda showed the Dr. a picture while my back was turned, so if I look in the mirror and see a dildo attached to my face I'll know who to blame..

[darrel]

no, I won't tell any lies.