16 replies to this topic

[buffie]

Okay, to make a long story short, I was blessed to be given a wheelchair accessible van about a week ago by a quad who had been injured 26 years ago. He decided that it was time to buy a new vehicle and wanted to give his previous one away. I was the lucky recipient.

I had expressed to my mom before that one day maybe I would like to drive again and she always discouraged it. Anytime someone mentioned it to me, she quickly jumps in and tells them not to encourage me. The other day my sister and her children were over and we were discussing me driving again. My sister ask my Mom did it scare her and her comment was "if she wants to die, let her". That comment infuriated me. I ask her why would she say something like that. I guess because I have had a few accidents in the past. Two of those were hitting deer that decided to run in front of me.

It seems to me though, the ones that think they have your best interest in mind are the ones who get in the way of your progress. For some reason my Mom has always resorted to degrading me or making negative comments as a way to try to change me. It only makes me mad and that more intent on proving her wrong. She even said that if I drove again, she would not let my children ride with me.

The van is already equipped with hand controls and everything, I would just need to go somewhere to be trained on driving. She seems to think that she is going to drive me around the rest of my life.

Why can't loved ones step back and allow you to grow when needed?

[DaveP]

You sound like you're a big girl now (ie an adult) and you have children too, so why is it that you're allowing other people to make these decisions for you? It's your decision!

And... people only "get in the way of your progress" if you allow them to get in the way...

Sounds to me like you've allowed your mother to step in too much and run too much of your life - that's what any mother would do if she's allowed to, and you've allowed it. I suppose it's nice and convenient, but only up to a certain point.

Make up your mind on how you want things to be and explain this nicely to your mother, as she's only doing what she thinks is best for you.

[rkzenrage]

Don't ask.

[Doug]

this is for you to chose.........tell your mom she wont be around for ever and you need to learn now...as for your children you are their mother and if you feel they are safe with you then thats that

[nomis]

It's all been said. Who's in charge of your life, you or your mother? Decide that but remember your mother cares. She's also probably scared something more will happen to you.
It's so good you've got that van. I hope it brings new freedoms.

[hockeydahc]

i had to have a tough talk with my mother as well. she didn't have a problem with me driving again, she was just doing too many things for me. stuff I coulda been doing. I needed to explore my independence, and I told her so. she didn't "get it" at first and cried, and made an over-dramatic act for a few weeks. thoguth she was always arguing to others of my independence, i guess she sees how much of it she was hindering now. time to step up. tell mom shes not in charge anymore.

[HiltonP]

buffie . . . Reading between the lines of your post it seems you are living under your mothers roof, and therefore possibly dependent on her for housing, care of your kids, and possibly even financial assistance (food, clothing, etc)?

If this is so then it makes your situation more difficult, since it gives your mother a hold over you. In a way I could understand your mother's view, i.e. "my house, my rules" (I was raised like that). Which is why you need to get into your own home, and run your life my your own rules.

Driving might be your short-term goal, but your long-term goal needs to be living independence (physical and financial). Your being able to drive is the first step in that process, so you need to take it, regardless of the stresses involved.

[rkzenrage]

"I love you and know you love me. I know you take care of me, but that does not mean making my decisions and thinking for me.
My body is disabled, not my mind.
Treating me like all of me is broken, like a child is harming me and making me feel like you don't respect me and like you look down on me.
It hurts.
Please stop."
I have said this about six times to four different people.

[edlee]

Well stated and quite tactful, as well. Who knew??
ed

[ParaforGod]

Hi Buffie,
When I first came home from the accident and rehab I had a car but couldn't transfer into it. As hard as I tried during rehab and at home I just couldn't do it. I sat at home for three years and I would cry looking at the walls. For three years I would tell God I know you didn't leave me here to look at the walls. After three years I was blessed with my van but I couldn't transfer to the seat so my daughter had to drive me. Some of my friends had the floor lowered in my van and had a lock in system put in so I could drive. The day I got my van back after the floor was lowered was the first time I was going to drive it by myself. It was raining. My daughter didn't want me to drive while it was raining but the fact was she was afraid for me to drive at all. It wouldn't have made a difference if the sun was shining. I told her I had to drive sometime. She told me to just drive around our neighborhood only. Her uncle lived the next road over and she had her cousin looking out the window to make sure I stayed on our road and theirs. It was pouring rain and I took off and road all over our town. I was afraid because I had only drove one time during rehab but I knew if I put it off I would never drive at all. I knew the best thing to do was go ahead and face it. My daughter was upset but she saw I was alright. From then on she just told me to be careful. If you really want your independence you are going to have to just make up your mind and do it. Its your life and your children. Go get your freedom.

[rkzenrage]

edlee, on Oct 16 2007, 05:06 PM, said:

Well stated and quite tactful, as well. Who knew??
ed

The trick is getting them to hear it.

[wheeliebear75]

I don't think it's an uncommon problem what you're going through. Many of us have had well meaning friends or relatives just do for us because it is easier for them to do it........all they way up to not wanting someone to have another crash. At some point though like the others said you are going to have to make do with out your mother(at some point she'll need some assistance herself even before she passes), so you'll need to have as much independence as possible. If you are dependent on her for housing and care that does indeed complicate things. One thought is just as rkzenrage said........tell her/them that your mind is still working and that you need the respect of being an adult able to make decisions and choices of your own. Good Luck.

[Cheshire]

For me, it wasn't with driving but with getting back on a bicycle. I was hit commuting by bike at night, and when I finally was able to go for my first ride post-injury, both of my parents were about to crawl out of their skins from nerves. My first ride was at dusk, and on a very well-lit, untrafficked road. My dad took it the worst...he knew I was getting things set up, but didn't know I had actually gone on a ride. He came out looking for me in his car, and tried to make me stop my ride, load the bike in the car, and be driven home. I wouldn't let him, and finished the ride to have a long talk with my parents. It worked out well.

Whatever the method, here's to a positive and constructive resolution to your problem.

[buffie]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I am still trying to figure out how to approach the subject with her. It's exactly like Hilton P. said, my mom has that mentality of "my house, my rules". I do hope to gain my independence one day. I know it will be hard but, I am determined that I will be in charge of my life again.

[rkzenrage]

Ok... you really don't want my feedback then.

[Tim13]

Your moms "if she wants to die let her" comment makes me think she isn't totally against the idea of your driving and your sister sounds like she has confidence in you.
Why don't you make the calls and find out exactly what kind of training you need, where to go, costs etc. and when you have all the information, you will be able to present a much better case and maybe once your mom sees that you are serious, she will be easier to deal with.

$0.02

[buffie]

rkzenrage, on Oct 19 2007, 04:34 PM, said:

Ok... you really don't want my feedback then.

I apologize if it seems that way, but I do plan on using some of the exact same words given, however; I don't know how to approach her yet. Our relationship is strained right now and I depend on her for everything currently. My mom is not the type I can tell back off even in a nice way without things blowing up. So I should have said I am trying to prepare myself for the storm that's going to follow once I get the nerve to talk to her.