[sjmhb030]

just thought i would share something i just wrote.........anybody else feel this way sometimes



FIVE YEARS


I flashback to that day, it’s etched in my mind
Retracing my steps before I walk that line
Remembering the feelings I used to endeavor
In the blink of an eye, they are gone forever
I deal with the pain in many a ways
That pain is with me all of my days
Burdened with this curse I will have to make due
My time on this earth until it is through

Mopping up the pain with all these pills
These pills don’t work the pain still kills
Using my pillow to wipe away my tears
It has been in my mind for the last five years

I wake up in morning like everything is ok
I force on this smile then I’m on my way
When you see me I am fake, this is true
I keep this mask on, this is what you view
If I take it off, you will see the real me
Depressed and lonely, it’s a sad sight to see
You may ask why, and say people have your back
My friends and family can’t give me what I lack

Mopping up the pain with all these pills
These pills don’t work the pain still kills
Using my pillow to wipe away my tears
It has been in my mind for the last five years

It gets to the point I want it to end
I could never do that to my family and friends
I sit here and think, what can I do
I will have to be patient and wait for the right cue
It will be painful and hurt, just like at the start
You can never fix it, there’s a tear in my heart
Again I say, I will have to make due
My time on this earth until it is through

Mopping up the pain with all these pills
These pills don’t work the pain still kills
Using my pillow to wipe away my tears
It will be in my mind for the rest of my years…

[Elzeen]

Oh yes. I felt this way for a long long time - wondering what was wrong with me for not meeting the rehab pundits' standard of "acceptance" of disability within 5-7 years. One day the despair moved to the back of my mind and the rest of my life moved to the fore. Not that all has been rosy since then. Years later I found myself in deep depression and have been medicating my serotonin level ever since. Hope it helps to know someone else has been there.

[wheeliebear75]

I know I've felt like that at times. It sounds like a lot of what is hard for you is the pain? I'd suggest going to a pain management specialist.........it's operant that your pain is causing some depression for you at times. I bet if the physical pain were less of an issue you may find "dealing" a little easier. I know you wrote this as an expression but you're right that it is sad that your smile is just a mask to hide how you're truly feeling. I hope that at some point soon you'll feel you can honestly smile.

[Godsgirl151999]

sorry to hear you are so sad... but then mabye it is good you found apparelyzed.... now you have friends who know what you are going through.... .... well... at least i am here.... maybe not such good idea after all... ..... no i am joking if you sad all your friends here will help!

This post has been edited by Godsgirl151999: 06 December 2007 - 12:54 AM

[dave420atya]

Damn! You wrote what I Feel. I know It is my children that keep suicide off of my list of things I can do to end the terrible pain I feel in my heart my mind and my body.
I am only to years in and I have to convince myself that I have survived for two years , not that I have suffered for two years and just postponed the inevitable.

This post has been edited by dave420atya: 06 December 2007 - 05:01 PM

[carole338]

My God, how touching. It is all so true. We keep on the mask so our family and friends don’t feel so bad. But inside we are crying. At night I keep track of the good days and the joy days. I am lucky; I actually felt real joy 6 times since my injury on February 26, 2007. These days mostly included my grandchildren. But my good days are increasing. I consider a good day when the tears are few, the pain is in the background, and the smile comes at unexpected times.

I see that you have an incomplete injury. Don’t’ give up. Even with complete injuries there is great hope. Stem cell research and recovery are soooo close. Therapy, exercise and attitude!!!

Yes, I’m sure we all sing this poem; I know I do, but we have to look for some happiness in our lives. Right now its communication and reaching out to those that are like us. And just maybe, someone will help you with your pain.

Carole

[Illinois Boy]

There once was a guy named Jim
Who got hit in the head by a limb
He used to walk for miles
Now he just barely smiles
He loved playing his guitar
He now looks at it a far
Oh what a night, that terrible night
I shall never forget, and will always fight
For someday I shall Rock again
As I sit here unable to grin


Damn, I'm a poet and didn't know it!

Jim

[sjmhb030]

Hey guys, me again...still writing, i find it's a way to express my feelings, I'm not that good at talking to people about them so i find by writing poetry helps....and that I'm not that bad at it,lol I've been good, these are a couple weeks old....but thought i'd share them....



INSIDE ME

It knows, it grows
This pain, it flows
Through veins, like blood
It’s a plague, or flood

I know it’s there
I’m hurting, I’m scared
And staying inside
Is where my strength will hide

What am I to do, where am I to go
I seek out help, but know one will ever know
How this pain must feel
It’s not fake, it’s real

In the end, I will be free
From this pain and misery
And in the end. I shall feel no more
Of this evil within my core





SHE DOESN’T KNOW

I’ve never felt this feeling before
It’s better than fame or fortune, or something much more
When I see her I can’t do anything but smile
Now that smile is gone, it has been gone for awhile
She said it may happen, lets see how it goes
Then he swooped in, and took her right from under my nose
You two are together, there’s nothing I can do
All I wanted, was to be with you
When I see you two, I wish that was us
What you have with him, it’s something I lust
Now I must live with wonder and misery
What it would have been like, you and me





WHY

He came in, like it was fine
Not caring what was going through our minds
Seeing him, in this altered state
Thinking that was to be our fate
Take a look, why can’t you see
How this is hurting our family

He made excuses why he was late
From even getting a birthday cake
For what reasons, I don’t know why
He never told the truth, he would always lie

We were only kids, it wasn’t fair
But you did it anyways, you didn’t care
Even on Christmas you didn’t hide it
Passed out on the couch while your sons were excited
Birthdays were worse, we were so sad
Ashamed to say that this was our dad

He made excuses why he was late
From even getting a birthday cake
For what reasons, I don’t know why
He never told the truth, he would always lie

Now we are older and still we are bothered
You are doing the same thing, but with a granddaughter
We don’t try to tell you that it’s not right
Because all you will do is argue and fight
Hopefully you will realize that it is wrong
Before our respect for you is completely gone

He made excuses why he was late
From even getting a birthday cake
For what reasons, I don’t know why
He never told the truth, he would always lie…

[buffie]

sjmhb030,
that first post really hit home for me. It brought tears to my eyes, as I know how you feel. I guess we can only hope things get better in the future.

[redhairedmeister]

Very well written, your first poem; I liked it... Heres one I wrote a few weeks back becoming one of the few pieces of poetry I've written and easily my best..


Blasphemy

I don't shiver because of the cold
That tingle down my spine gives such a feeling
I shiver at how my life might unfold
Some might say I simply need healing

My apparent struggles mirror a first hand shake
Most need not know what I conceal
Cherish life for your own sake
They should be thankful they had no such ordeal

Feeling confused and alone is common place
I always ask why and search for a clue
To this wave of regret I try and erase
I'll never find out why life is so blue

I try to grasp that sour taste
Patch up my life and choose
Moving forward, but done without haste
Live or die, win or lose

Such an impact upon one man
Forced to critique his own life
Had I known, I would have ran
Seriously considers going under the knife

This post has been edited by redhairedmeister: 11 February 2008 - 01:58 AM

[qbounce]

Enjoying these posts. Writing helps me heal too.

On a brighter note:


WALLS

after all i've seen and done
i've gone through walls

people stare
amazed to see me
watch as i come, then leave

don't stand around and wait
i could be awhile
but i'll get by

i'm coming down the isle
faster than a walk
i smile, and talk

another wall comes down

[kewlcatkez]

Whilst this is not a poem, per se, it is a piece of writing which I wrote one morning last week ( on my blog), I find it cathartic somehow...: edited, as i said 'creative' and its all true....:


A Night, just an ordinary night:

The pain drove through my hip relentlessly. The cruelest trick of all is legs which have no feeling, yet harbour such fierce pain. I tied to take a breath of air, but both the duvet and my dry mouth harshly 'filtered' the cool air. I tired to stifle them, but my raspy cries escaped between muttered obscenities. It was a normal night's 'sleep'. I rolled my upper body a little - so that my weight would shift from my dislocating hips, and grabbed my lifeless leg so that I was laying up against his body. He placed his arm onto my torso, trying powerlessly to both comfort and interrupt the dislocations and its cousin - pain.

In an attempt to get closer, and feel his warmth against me, I reached my arm over, grasping his body. another searing pain ripped through my shoulder this time. I felt my body tense and spasm and the searing pain continued to dig its nails into my inner core, much like a Lion tears at its kill.

In his half awakened state, he repositioned to cuddle me. Placing his arm over my upper back. My spasms slowed a little and he drifted back to a light sleep - whilst I choked back some stray tears and my body fought to sleep. The world was beginning to awaken. The first signs of life could be heard in the form of a few rowdy guys exchanging words as they went to work perhaps, and a milkmans 'float' cutting through the chilly air as he did his rounds. I lay in a half dazed state. Not darning to move - to cause another magnifying jolt, and at the same time wanting to savour the close, complete assurance of laying with my Mate.

My mind wandered momentarily, attempting to block the persistent, constant burning pain and frost bite sensations. Its almost like a 'tug of war' or an animated Cartoon whereby the 'goodie' and 'baddie' shoot fire and ice at each other, meeting first at the middle and then each one in turn getting the better of the other.. For a moment I felt disconnected from everything, a sensation akin to having 'gas and air' when in delivery - you can still feel the agony, yet are quite unable to verbalise it..Then I am jolted back into the bedroom. A child's voice is crying out and I am the one it seeks.

By the time I get into her room, she is sitting wide awake in bed. She clambers onto my knee and tells me that she has had a bad dream. I soothe her hair and tell her that she is safe and that Mummy loves her. She begins to doze off with her head on my chest - her breathing slowing and calming. I reassure her that she is not the only one who has bad dreams and that they are just stories in our head to let of steam.....All the time, my legs are spasming and my shoulder is crunching, as if to taunt me and remind me that my 'bad dreams' are a ongoing, daily reality.

Take care,

K

This post has been edited by kewlcatkez: 19 February 2008 - 01:12 PM

[marlee]

I also write poems and short stories; it helps to distract me from the pain...for example:

Being There

Lost in space...Time
flies
Whatever IT is...I'm there
Pain and suffering
daily
Don't forget your meds
baby
Comforting feeling
I am not alone on this journey

S.S.D.D.

Locked up again
This a.m.
Reaching for my pain meds, what a chore
Minutes pass on the clock, such a bore
When the time comes
I'll be able to move some
Play bumper walker around the house
Trying to be quiet as a mouse
After all, it's three in the morning
A giggle lets out as I hear snoring
Around the corner and down the hall
Trying hard not to crash into the wall
Made it to my destination
Closed the door to the Loo of anticipation

Thank you all for allowing me share

M

Read more on my blog

[carole338]

Hi Marlee,

I went to your blog and read your poems. Good luck in publishing them. They are worth the read.

Carole

[marlee]

Thank you Carole so much for your kind words
I will spread my wings and soar with the birds
On the thermal rivers high in the sky
My spirit is thankful for you stopping by

M

[E-DOG]

Though obviously not a poem, I thought this might be worth sharing.
Cause that's just the way I roll.

It is evil to take lives and noble to save them.
Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives.
I drop my net into the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes.
I tell those fishes, Don't be afraid, I'm saving you from drowning!
I place the fishes on the bank where they flop and twirl.
Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still.
Yet sad to say, I'm always too late.
The fishes expire.
And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and sell them for a good price.
With the money I recieve I buy more nets.
So I can save more fishes.

well done people, you've just gleaned a tiny nugget of sagacity from the depths my 3rd grade education
e-dog

[Niceparalegs]

Sjhmb030, I want to thank you. I am a 26 yr old new compl t11 paraplegic as of dec 12, 2011. Your poem gives me comfort I haven't found anywhere else. The only other para if gotten close to....or even known for that matter, died in my husbands arms of a brain stem stroke 2wks ago. I have been feeling like I couldn't find anyone else who understood my pain, both physically and emotionally. (also broke c1&3 & t8,9,10&11)
Thank you for a glimmer of hope that there are people who feel these things other than me.

[WhiteAngel]

thank's for all the poems, they're all great...heres one i wrote in 2004

Passage of stage

At birth or a fall,
a host took residence, then possession.
Embedded itself, deep down inside.
Unforeseen risks with dangers,
survival is at stake or wheels replace legs.

Cracked open like a lobster on a table,
radio-waves and tissue burning.
A miracle, and time has travelled on,
consequences have been paid.

A tattered and torn cord,
a rubber band walking.
Radio-active and cystic changes,
wasting, rooting and decaying,
a garbage dump disposal.

Limbs that jump and jerk,
numbness with pain,
Twisted vertebrae’s, curved
into a roller-coaster track.

The wheels may replace legs,
the arms, die. Boundaries
are reset and set again.
Restrictions have been placed.

Only the measurement of pace,
will comprehend what will transpire,
on this uncommon passage of stage.