[Rudy]

You guys are amazing! I really do admire you people, especially the high level quads like me.
I dont understand how many quads seem to live happy, productive lives. I just can't do it. In March of 1978 a hunter thought he saw a bird and shot me in the neck. It resulted in me being a C3-4 quad. I am 45 year old now and it shocks me to think that it will soon be 30 years since my accident. 30 years filled with many surgeries, bouts of pneumonia, pressure sores, and dysreflexia, and all the while watching my family and friends having wonderful happy lives I hate being a quad. I hate my life, and sometimes blame myself. My mother keeps telling me that it was'nt my fault, but I cant stop thinking if only I had stayed home that day. Christopher Reeve said ''GO FORWARD'', but I can't, I'm trapped in 1978 and keep thinking of the life I lost. I feel like its a big nightmare and will wake up and be healthy and walking again. I would'nt blame any of you for thinking, what a wimp. I can't help it, life is so hard and as I get older it gets harded.

[angel888]

You are not a wimp. You shouldn't blame it on yourself or anyone. It was an accident. Aren't you thankful that you are still living today with family and friends? Try to change your perspective. It could have been different. It could have been worse. Think of happy moments you had in that 30 years! Live life to the full.. dont waste a minute.. it is priceless...

[4Wheels]

Rudy, on Nov 1 2007, 08:08 PM, said:

You guys are amazing! I really do admire you people, especially the high level quads like me.
I dont understand how many quads seem to live happy, productive lives. I just can't do it. In March of 1978 a hunter thought he saw a bird and shot me in the neck. It resulted in me being a C3-4 quad. I am 45 year old now and it shocks me to think that it will soon be 30 years since my accident. 30 years filled with many surgeries, bouts of pneumonia, pressure sores, and dysreflexia, and all the while watching my family and friends having wonderful happy lives I hate being a quad. I hate my life, and sometimes blame myself. My mother keeps telling me that it was'nt my fault, but I cant stop thinking if only I had stayed home that day. Christopher Reeve said ''GO FORWARD'', but I can't, I'm trapped in 1978 and keep thinking of the life I lost. I feel like its a big nightmare and will wake up and be healthy and walking again. I would'nt blame any of you for thinking, what a wimp. I can't help it, life is so hard and as I get older it gets harded.

Yeah, I turn 50 in 2 weeks, Life Sucks! - Then You Die!...... I guess that's why I work twice as hard now, to keep my mind off it........

That's all I have to Say!

Jim

[kiwiquad]

Hi Rudy...your post made me teary. (a reflection of my own plight in your words, to an extent.)
I'm sure many of us have days when we think 'if only I'd stayed at home', I know I do. After 30yrs, have you not found any reason for being? Us high level quads are so dependent on the help of others, that if we let it, can strip us of confidence, pride, self esteem etc. I've been a quad since '83, & in retrospect, the happiest times of my 'SCI Life' have been when I'm in the midst of vivacious, happy, positive people. Simple but true. Take a check for a moment & observe who you are living your life with.
Find something you have a passion for maybe. Perhaps rescue an animal who needs you, mouth painting, swimming, travel or telecommunications for some income that you've created.
1st things 1st...go to the hairdresser & get rid of that '78 mullett!

[kiwiquad]

Yeah, I turn 50 in 2 weeks, Life Sucks! - Then You Die!...... I guess that's why I work twice as hard now, to keep my mind off it........

That's all I have to Say!

Jim



<--- in my humble opinion, that's the reply your post deserves!

[Susi]

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what can I say, but you are amazing. Simply by joining in the forums, is positive. As previous positive posts say, focus on something positive, and take it from there. I don't know how mobile you are or what limited movement you have, but despite 30yrs being a quad, you are still alive, and have people around you that also depend on you. So chin up and thank those that help you.

I wish you all the best Rudy, and come visit more often, spirits will soon lift.

[Somebody]

Hi Rudy,
I understand how you feel.
You have a right to your feelings.
You deserved to have a wonderful life.
To be successful, marry, and have kids.
You were robbed. My heart goes out to you.
We all wish we could make it better.

I'm 10 yrs older, and what keeps me sound is my children.
After I got over the initual shock,
I told myself, I had 39 yrs on this earth walking.
I got to have children & grandchilden.
There were 2 young guys around 15-16 y/o,
in the Rehab I went to.
They were innocent shot by gang bang strangers.

Unlike the 3 of you, I caused my problem.
I was high & drunk, an accident looking for a place to happen.
Of course there was a reason I indulged.
When you self medicate, you're trying to escape some pain.
But that's another subject.

I still have pain of what was robbed from me.
Being the grandmother I always looked forward to.
But most of my pain come from hurting my girls.
Ruining their lifes, and my grandkids.

I decided real quick,
I wasn't going to hurt or ruin their lifes any more.
Wallowing in my self pity, crying what if?
I had a 9 yr old girl to do the best I could for her.
I cryed my tears alone.
After a few years I realized I'd stopped all together.

I know you don't have kids to live for,
but you have family that loves you.
My family wants me anyway they can have me.
Sometimes your friends are your family.
Family doesn't have to be blood.
I know they're glad you lived.

Rudy like they said above find something that moves you.
I feel my best doing something for someone else.
I was always that way & found it real hard to accept help.
My parents died when I was 24 y/o & I was very independent.

Start by sharing a smile.
Listening to someone that needs an ear.
I've become quite a listener.
People appreciate the fact I'm not running around.
They have a captive audience.
Every time you give of yourself you receive something too.
Self pride, self confidence, patience.

Pretty soon you'll start thinking what else can I do.
I am someboy just the way I am.

I know your health is pulling you down right now.
I read your other thread.
You'll feel better once you solve your health problem.
You're in pain, so it's kinda natural to feel mentally down too.

You've had good days since the accident,
and you'll have many more. {hugs}

You're in my prayers.
Get ready for a host of God's angels coming your way.
When you start to feel blue just call on them for comfort.
They're there now waiting with open arms.
God loves you Rudy.
Have faith.
The devil's taken enough from you.
Don't give him anything else!

Let's get you well!!!
Hey I'll search this board till we figure it out.
In fact I've been on a health board all day long.
I'm constipate & have a urinary tract infection.
I went to the Health food store & I'm getting control.
I'll be glad to read up & help you anyway I can.

My aide will be here in just a little while.
So I'll ck in when my morning aide leaves tomorrow.
I pray you don't hurt too much tonight.
Lean on God he's always there.

God Bless~

Kay

This post has been edited by Somebody: 02 November 2007 - 11:17 PM

[nineteen74au]

Sink or swim....... you can use your energy to whinge or use it to live. Yes it can be hard, yes we would rather not be impaired BUT we are.... a smile is free....people respond, new friends are made and THESE people ONLY know us the way we are.

I LOVE MY LIFE you should too.

[Lucky]

Your not on your own bruv. I dived into the sea and broke my neck. I'd had a drink and it was my idea so theres only me to blame but I still think.....what if?
Thing is, I've managed to recover enough to walk but I still think back to the day it happened and think why?
Maybe the big man above will have something special for you when its time to make up for this life?
Chin up for now matey and you're cirtainly no wimp! the total opposite if anything!

[Califanna]

Rudy, on Nov 1 2007, 06:08 PM, said:

You guys are amazing! I really do admire you people, especially the high level quads like me.
I dont understand how many quads seem to live happy, productive lives. I just can't do it. In March of 1978 a hunter thought he saw a bird and shot me in the neck. It resulted in me being a C3-4 quad. I am 45 year old now and it shocks me to think that it will soon be 30 years since my accident. 30 years filled with many surgeries, bouts of pneumonia, pressure sores, and dysreflexia, and all the while watching my family and friends having wonderful happy lives I hate being a quad. I hate my life, and sometimes blame myself. My mother keeps telling me that it was'nt my fault, but I cant stop thinking if only I had stayed home that day. Christopher Reeve said ''GO FORWARD'', but I can't, I'm trapped in 1978 and keep thinking of the life I lost. I feel like its a big nightmare and will wake up and be healthy and walking again. I would'nt blame any of you for thinking, what a wimp. I can't help it, life is so hard and as I get older it gets harded.

Wow, your statement hit me hard. Do you get out of the house? Maybe it is time to move to another city. I have seen amazing things happen to people who just change their routines. You are in a rut and need something or somebody to shake things up for you.

I can't tell if you are a religious person, but 'Joni and Friends' have a camp where you can go and talk with others in similar situations. I met a guy at the camp who was a hunter who fell out of his perch and broke his neck. He had five girls and a wife. He told me and others at the camp that he became so desparate one nite, that he tried to end his life with a shotgun. He failed at it because he did not have any strength. His youngest daughter came into the room as she heard the shotgun hitting the ground. She picked it up and put it on her Dad's lap and asked him what he wanted to do with it. It was at that moment that he realized his strength. His strength was that he was a DAD to his girls. So the next day he made plans to take himself away from the life he knew and to begin anew. They moved from Pennsylvania to a place that was more accessible and allowed him to wheel with his children everywhere. He said the move was a financial hardship, but ultimately it saved his life.

If you can't afford the camp, they have financial aid and can even get you transportation to and from the camp if you ask for it. Something to think about.
Califanna

This post has been edited by Califanna: 04 November 2007 - 09:23 PM

[Somebody]

Quote

Wow, your statement hit me hard. Do you get out of the house? Maybe it is time to move to another city. I have seen amazing things happen to people who just change their routines. You are in a rut and need something or somebody to shake things up for you.

I can't tell if you are a religious person, but 'Joni and Friends' have a camp where you can go and talk with others in similar situations. I met a guy at the camp who was a hunter who fell out of his perch and broke his neck. He had five girls and a wife. He told me and others at the camp that he became so desparate one nite, that he tried to end his life with a shotgun. He failed at it because he did not have any strength. His youngest daughter came into the room as she heard the shotgun hitting the ground. She picked it up and put it on her Dad's lap and asked him what he wanted to do with it. It was at that moment that he realized his strength. His strength was that he was a DAD to his girls. So the next day he made plans to take himself away from the life he knew and to begin anew. They moved from Pennsylvania to a place that was more accessible and allowed him to wheel with his children everywhere. He said the move was a financial hardship, but ultimately it saved his life.

If you can't afford the camp, they have financial aid and can even get you transportation to and from the camp if you ask for it. Something to think about.
Califanna

Thanks for the inspiring story.
Also thanks for the info about Joni.
She's remarkable!
I remember watching her show before I was injured.
Thanks for reminging me about her.
I went to her website to read up on her & the camp.
Do c7 level individuals go?
I'd like to go if I could.
If so do they take care givers with them?


Praying for you Rudy.
She gave you good advice.

This post has been edited by Somebody: 04 November 2007 - 10:10 PM

[Imight]

I feel what you feel Rudy and it has only been 5 months. I have different dreams, its so odd. some of me struggling to walk (since im using a walker) but the ones that really hurt are the ones where im normal, going about my business as usual and then I wake up and find out i cant walk. it hurts so so bad. it was only yesterday i was partying in venezuela, brazil, argentina, philippines, london, even here in hollywood, crusing the strip in my convertible. but its not like that anymore, doubt it will be. and i never took it for granted, i always appreciated that life, and loved what i had. but now i wake up, and cant bounce out of bed. i wonder if i can do this for years to come.

sometimes people say "well at least you're alive"
theres been times when i think if i would have died, it would be so much more peaceful, i dont know where people go when they die, but it must be peaceful, no more depression, no more pain, no nothing.


but you know what rudy, you still have eyes, you can still see, enjoy the earth while you're still here. you still have ears, enjoy the sounds around you.

[Califanna]

[quote name='Somebody' date='Nov 4 2007, 02:08 PM' post='44757']
[quote]

Thanks for the inspiring story.
Also thanks for the info about Joni.
She's remarkable!
I remember watching her show before I was injured.
Thanks for reminging me about her.
I went to her website to read up on her & the camp.
Do c7 level individuals go?
I'd like to go if I could.
If so do they take care givers with them?


Praying for you Rudy.
She gave you good advice.

[/quote]

Joni accepts all levels. I have been at three camps. I have seen guys on ventilators. They do accept care givers and my recollection is that they receive a discount. But then again, financial aid is always available for Joni's camps. You are assigned a companion when you get there who helps you manage, while staying at the camp. So sometimes even your caregiver can get some time off. Hope you try and go next year. Make sure to sign-up early so you can get a spot.
Califanna

[Somebody]

[quote name='Califanna' date='Nov 5 2007, 01:33 AM' post='44784']
[quote name='Somebody' date='Nov 4 2007, 02:08 PM' post='44757']
[quote]

Thanks for the inspiring story.
Also thanks for the info about Joni.
She's remarkable!
I remember watching her show before I was injured.
Thanks for reminging me about her.
I went to her website to read up on her & the camp.
Do c7 level individuals go?
I'd like to go if I could.
If so do they take care givers with them?


Praying for you Rudy.
She gave you good advice.

[/quote][quote]

Joni accepts all levels. I have been at three camps. I have seen guys on ventilators. They do accept care givers and my recollection is that they receive a discount. But then again, financial aid is always available for Joni's camps. You are assigned a companion when you get there who helps you manage, while staying at the camp. So sometimes even your caregiver can get some time off. Hope you try and go next year. Make sure to sign-up early so you can get a spot.
Califanna
[/quote]

Thanks Cali,
It's too expensive for me & my aide.
Does it have a place for assistance on her website?
I'll look. I'd love to have a vacation and meet people.

Thanks

This post has been edited by Somebody: 05 November 2007 - 07:36 PM

[aussiechick]

I know how you are feeling,I have been a paraplegic now 21 months I am a T2 complete paraplegic ,I was in my car driving to work when I lost control of my car because of something slippery on the road,my car flipped of the road became airborn the roof of the car hit a tree and then rolled down a ditch and I was trapt in my car for 2 and a half hours before they could get me out,I had 2 brakes my cord was cut and I was scalped from ear to ear and I had to have a plate put in my neck to keep it up .
When I came to in ICU I was told about my injury and couldn't beleive it,I had been battling cancer for nine years before the accident and I had ended up like this it just doesn't seem right.

I have cried alot of tears and thought alot of what if's but it doesn't change anything,I know one thing though I have my husband and my 3 kids that need me and without them I am not sure I could of made it through the cancer and getting through the rehab I went through I kept going for them.
Without them I don't know if I would be able to keep going,because of my car accident I had perminent damage done to my shoulder and my wrist so I am unable to transfer so I have to be hoisted all the time,I don't have very good balance so I need help with alot of things,my husband had to give up his job to be my carer.

I take one day at a time and try and do something different for myself everyday and if I don't succeed I try again some days are better than others and I am always wishing things were different but I have to make the most of my life the way it is.

I hope that evryone here is in good health and that you are having a good day
GODBLESS YOU

[nomis]

Bummer, Aussiechick. A double wammy like that is hard to comprehend.
I hope you're getting lots of good time at home with your family.
I'll tell you what, if the Aussie netball team swipe our world title in the coming month I'll let them have it for you.

[xeena]

Dear Rudy,
I read your post and thought to myself " This is real, time flies and one cant just help but wonder" .I wont even begin to say that i understand all that your going through or better put allthat you've gone through this past years. But believe it or not your life has been worth eery second you've livedso far. The truth is that every time someone sees you , they in themselves able bodied or not are motivated tolive and they value life more and see it in a differentlight. You may not think so maybe bcos you ont get feed back but thats the truth, you have probably stoppedsomeone fromcommiting suicide.
And as for it bing your fault. "how could it be" you didnt know and like everybaody you wanted to live that day back in1078 hunting and not at home and so you did. No one chooses to die yet we will alldie one day. See taht day in 1978as asecond chance in life, which i promise you, you have used tot ouch many lives, even your family. I wish they could read your post and youd b amazed at thier responses.
God bless you Rudy