[bethanffydd]

My best friend of over 20 years has just told me that he's gay. I'm in turmoil! He's been C5/6 for 25 years and we've had a really close relationship, with him allowing me to assist him with many intimate things and I just feel as if I've been decieved. He was always honest and told me that our friendship would only ever be that - never more, but I had no idea that the reason why was that he wasn't attracted to any women - not just me! I love him more than anything and my feelings towards him will never change, but I just keep going over & over the last 20 years. I'm really confused.

[hockeydahc]

ok. he didn't tell you. why would he need to? the two of you were never in a relatioinship where it would have affected anything.

then again, what does this have to do with spinal cord afflictions?

This post has been edited by hockeydahc: 25 November 2007 - 09:02 PM

[nomis]

Hi bethanffydd, this is an interesting situation that both you and your friend can learn from.

It's good to hear you say - "I love him more than anything and my feelings towards him will never change,..." That seems sensible because he is actually still the same person you've always had as a friend.

But you do seem to have discomfort either with the fact he is gay or that he didn't tell you earlier. I'm going to accept that you are ok with him being gay. So maybe you are feeling some betrayal from him, he should have fronted up sooner and trusted you. I can understand you feeling that.

Now it's your turn to front up and hopefully you can do a better job. You've got to have a discussion with him - tell him how you feel about him hiding that info but also find out why he felt he had to hide it; find out when he knew himself; how does he now feel coming out; what does it mean to him.

[Kevin]

He is the exact same person you've known for over 20 years now, you just know one more piece of information about him. We are constantly learning about our friends. It's how friendships grow (or not...). As long as there are no romantic possibilities (you did say he's always told you you'd only be friends), is this new piece of information really any different than him telling you he doesn't like pizza?

I have a professor who always says, "It's not always about you." Consider his feelings that for the past 20+ years he hasn't been able to tell his best friend a simple fact that he holds so dear he can't bear to part with it. You just found out days ago. He's been holding this secret for decades. Why? I don't know, but now that he's told you it's time for you to be supportive.

Call him up, bring a pizza (ask if he likes it first!), rent some movies, and enjoy his company exactly as you have for the past 20+ years. Nothing has changed.

[juls]

My sister and Uncle are both gay and it's not an easy thing to come out and just tell people. You would be surprised how many friends they lost when they 'came out'.
I would tell you to be as supportive as you can be but still gently let him know that you're hurt he kept it a secret for such a long time.

[DaveP]

Or maybe... do/did you harbour stronger feelings for your friend and feel crushed?

[Ches]

I live with two chicks, both of which are my closest friends. One of them is Rosz, shes a complete lezbian, its so apparent and obvious from looking at her. Shes yet to come out, and in fact she still has a boyfriend, whom she neglects like crazy. We've always known, and we all DONT CARE, but she does. Apparently she cares so much she cant tell us.
I guess shes always been afraid her whole life is gonna change for the worse if she comes out. I dont get it, but I wont argue it. What I will do is ALWAYS be there for her just like shes been for me. She is my "aid" even tho I dont really need her help anymore, she's been there since the day I was injured. She's helped me thru it all. My other friends thought it was strange I would pick Rosz of all people to help me bathe, get dressed,, and just basically have her at my most vulernable moments. I never thought of it that way. Shes a lez, but that doesnt mean shes going to rape me! Doesnt even mean Im her type, ya know!
Lots of people like to joke about Rosz and I being so close, but the truth is We"re best friends, nothing more. I may molest, tease and kiss on her when she picks me up but its all just perverted humor.. I want her to be happy and if keeping it all in makes her happy, then I'm ok with that.

It must have been quite a shock to find out your friend was homosexual, but you sound like you kinda already knew in the back of your mind. I get that your surprised, but I hope you arent making a big deal out of it between your social circle. That could ruin the poor fella.

[bethanffydd]

I'm find with the fact that he's gay, that honestly is not the problem. I've had romantic feelings about him for years - which he knew about, and he's always been honest and said that our relationship would be nothing more than friendship, this I understood. The last couple of conversations has been with us discussing how he's going to find a guy!!
I'm just crushed that he's had this 'other life' that I had no idea about. Did I guess? No way. What's it got to do with spinal injury? The fact that I play a big part in his life and that he's willing to let me help him with loads but couldn't trust me with this.

[juls]

I find that sometimes it's easier to tell a complete stranger a secret rather then my family, friends..if a stranger was to judge me, I really wouldn't care but if a friend or family member reacted badly, I'd be crushed..maybe that's how your friend felt??

[wheeliebear75]

Also think about in the sens he may have been fearing loosing you as his friend if he told you. It's not fun to have a stranger or acquaintance dislike you all of a sudden............a good friend on the other hand is a precious comodity and especially one who will help you with so much. He may have just been all THAT MORE scared to tell you because of this.............the thought of loosing you was just so awful he felt he "had to".

[smokymtn memories]

Fear. I have a good friend that did the same thing. It's getting better, but that's the one thing they're sure will loose them family and friends.

I let my friend know he was my friend, no matter what.

[rkzenrage]

bethanffydd, on Nov 25 2007, 02:00 PM, said:

My best friend of over 20 years has just told me that he's gay. I'm in turmoil! He's been C5/6 for 25 years and we've had a really close relationship, with him allowing me to assist him with many intimate things and I just feel as if I've been decieved. He was always honest and told me that our friendship would only ever be that - never more, but I had no idea that the reason why was that he wasn't attracted to any women - not just me! I love him more than anything and my feelings towards him will never change, but I just keep going over & over the last 20 years. I'm really confused.

He is exactly the same person he was before you knew.
Nothing to be confused about, you just know him better, good for you.

Quote

but couldn't trust me with this.

He does trust you with it, or he would not have told you.

This post has been edited by rkzenrage: 26 November 2007 - 08:13 PM