30 replies to this topic

[Emily~Anne]

I myself am not a paraplegic or quadraplegic, but my husband is a paraplegic. Do any of you ever feel offended by offers of help when you dont need it? Or do you just politely thank them and explain that you have everything under control?

[Yong]

My dad goes out of control trying to help me with this and that. I really appreciate him trying to help but sometimes I get frustrated because I want to be totally independent.

With non family members, I just tell them I have things under control.

[hockeydahc]

gotta be polite, but in a way yes, I feel offended when people just try to help, not so much when they ask first. When someone actually thinks outside the box, and comes up with something actually helpful, or timed right, I do let them know I appreciate it.

[Emily~Anne]

The reason I asked was because my husband spent 15 minutes trying to flag down help in a parking lot. Noone helped my husband. I told a friend, and she made it sound like alot of people are highly offended by offers of help and that is probably why noone offered to help. My husband said he really doubted that.

[KarenFerguson]

In haste, I usually feel offended by an offer of "help" considering I usually don't need help. I think some people just see they chair and regardless of the situation feel we all need "help" - very bothersome & quite frustrating.

However, there are occasions where I do need some help (especially when I'm with my hubby & he needs a good push up a steep hill or something). Then I'm all for some help. But, I like it when the "helper" listens to my response after they ask if we need help, instead of just jumping to the "rescue" and "helping". So, I wish people would listen to our response (if they even ask first), and if we say we're fine and don't need any "help" then we are in fact fine.

[Emily~Anne]

Oh yes, I can understand how overly enthusiastic helpers would be quite annoying. That has happened to my husband once. There were some stairs and no ramp. 2 men picked my husband up wheelchair and all and lifted him up the stairs without asking my husband. My husband was FUMING mad!

But, when people simply ask politely and leave you alone as soon as you let them know you have everything under control, let's all make sure that they know we appreciate their offer so as to encourage them to still offer help because some really DO need help.

[Emily~Anne]

Also, I want to say, our preference is we indicate somehow we'd like help. I am so irked that my husband spent 15 minutes trying to wave down help, and noone checked that he was ok, instead they just waved back. My brain just cant digest that. A friendly wave and a "I need help" wave does not look the same. The wheelchair was in plain view outside the van, I cant believe it never occured to anyone that my husband needed help.

[Angela250153]

I walk a bit with crutches and my wheelchair lives in the boot. I often get people asking if I need help when I wobble to get the chair in/out of the boot and I politely tell them that I do ths all the time and I am fine. I do get annoyed though when people don't listen and just go ahead with'helping' like the other day when I had put my shopping basket on the ground while getting the chair out and this guy persisted in wanting to pick it up and hand it to me whe I had asked him to leave it. GRRRRRRR

[milosh]

it's ok if i'm offered help. if i don't need it, politely say. what really annoys me and what might be dangerous is when the ''helper'' refuses to listen to the instructions i give them.

[Emily~Anne]

There has been a few times people have gone ahead and taken the initiative to fold up my husband's chair though I asked them not to. So as they proceed to fold the chair, I say, "O.K., but the chair does bite." They usually stop right then and let me do the rest.

Here is what me and my husband really hate: I am deaf (have been almost my whole life), and my hubby is in a wheelchair. Some people when they first meet us, will start telling us about their grandpa or grandma who is also deaf or in a wheelchair.

[milosh]

stupidity has no limits

they also often me their old grandpa in 80s who uses a wheelchair.

[KarenFerguson]

Emily~Anne, on Dec 8 2007, 09:07 AM, said:

Here is what me and my husband really hate: I am deaf (have been almost my whole life), and my hubby is in a wheelchair. Some people when they first meet us, will start telling us about their grandpa or grandma who is also deaf or in a wheelchair.

Hubby & I get the same thing. People just start telling us about their own weird ailments. Like I'm your doctor? Here's a blog post I wrote about it:
http://inanemusings....me-the-details/

[Mikerowaved]

Maybe I'm weird, but I have a slightly different take on the topic. I have a rigid manual chair and I get around pretty well by myself in my minivan. After transferring into the driver's seat, I turn around and pull the wheelchair into the spot behind me where a removable seat used to be.

Anyway, every so often I'll be in a store parking lot and someone will offer to help load my chair in. Even though I've done it myself 1000 times, I usually accept. I figure if people get told NO every time they offer, they will stop offering... even in the rare case where someone really is in need of assistance. Besides, they sometimes have kids in tow and I think it's a great example for them to observe a parent (almost always the dad) reach out to help others. The result is, they walk away a little happier knowing (or at least thinking) they helped someone in need. Who am I to deprive them of that?

Granted, I don't accept assistance all the time. For example, if someone asks if I need to be pushed, I usually thank them and reply that this is my way of getting much needed exercise.

[KimAndSophie]

Emily~Anne, on Dec 7 2007, 11:30 PM, said:

The reason I asked was because my husband spent 15 minutes trying to flag down help in a parking lot. Noone helped my husband. I told a friend, and she made it sound like alot of people are highly offended by offers of help and that is probably why noone offered to help. My husband said he really doubted that.

I don't feel offended at all. I just say "no thanks", and people usually say something about how they are impressed etc. Every so often though when someone asks if I need help and I respond by politely saying "no thanks, I'm fine", they get an attitude about how they were only trying to help and how dare someone who obviously must need help can refuse it. With these people, I usually just go about whatever I was doing and ignore how they start acting. You learn to just shrug it off after awhile.

[Tim13]

Mikerowaved, on Dec 9 2007, 04:02 AM, said:

Maybe I'm weird, but I have a slightly different take on the topic. I have a rigid manual chair and I get around pretty well by myself in my minivan. After transferring into the driver's seat, I turn around and pull the wheelchair into the spot behind me where a removable seat used to be.

Anyway, every so often I'll be in a store parking lot and someone will offer to help load my chair in. Even though I've done it myself 1000 times, I usually accept. I figure if people get told NO every time they offer, they will stop offering... even in the rare case where someone really is in need of assistance. Besides, they sometimes have kids in tow and I think it's a great example for them to observe a parent (almost always the dad) reach out to help others. The result is, they walk away a little happier knowing (or at least thinking) they helped someone in need. Who am I to deprive them of that?

Granted, I don't accept assistance all the time. For example, if someone asks if I need to be pushed, I usually thank them and reply that this is my way of getting much needed exercise.

Hadn't thought of it before but that's pretty smart, they're just asking because they're nice people, if letting them help once in awhile makes them happy-great, maybe the next person will really need help.

Only had one person get really snotty about wanting to help, she kept saying "I'm a nurse and I have 20 clients in wheelchairs" and trying to grab the chair, kept telling her to stand back so i wouldn't hit her swinging the chair around to fold it but it took a good whack in the shins with the chair to get her to move away.
Not a good listener i guess.

Sometimes help is good even when we don't think we need it. At the grocery store the other morning, i couldn't get the dome light in my new car to shut off. Already had the chair set up when an elderly lady came up and asked if she could do anything to help, I said i was fine, just trying to figure out why my interior light was staying on. She said, and i quote "it's staying on because your door is open".

god i felt like an idiot.

[hockeydahc]

thanks for taking one for the team, Tim.
HAHAHHA


I guess I just have something about me that makes me think: if I'm offered help doing something I, even impaired, should and could easily do, This person must think I'm incapable. I don't want to look weak, I want to show that even sitting or wobble-walking, we can be strong and capable. then there may be less of a stigma with disabilities.

[Ches]

I have no problem when people offer help. Typical I give a giggle and just tell them Im new at this and still have to learn. The help would be awesome, but its just results in me being lazy.

I doooo have a problem when people (including family and friends) want to help because it 'appeared to them that I was struggling'.. Well duh Im struggling, but its my life. Everythings still a struggle. The biggest struggle ins my mental state, and comments like that just kinda HIT really hard. Their view of my struggle is MY LIFE.

Edited by Ches, 09 December 2007 - 07:26 PM.

[kashley]

My hubby is a quad and I am ab. I have come around to laughing it off as my husband does about the people asking to help. Which took some time because, I tend to be protective and will act like a bear if someone wrongs him in anyway. Good thing he is around to calm me down or I would get myself in trouble. It is kind of funny when they try to shut the electric doors on the van and they do not move. Even people we have known for years sometimes try to do it.

Although after trying to carry all the luggage and anything else I pack mule on myself, I have learned to accept any offers of help. Cause my back hurts.

Edited by kashley, 10 December 2007 - 04:38 AM.

[Elzeen]

There are some things I'm happy to have help with and other things that I will not let anyone help with! Ever had someone try to shut your car door for you when your legs are still outside the car? Or jam your wheelchair into the car in a way that you can't get it out?

I do always thank people who offer help as I let them know I don't need assistance. I see nothing wrong with an offer of help. Rather than finding it offensive, it restores my faith that there are people willing to lend a hand.

[MichEE]

milosh, on Dec 8 2007, 11:36 AM, said:

it's ok if i'm offered help. if i don't need it, politely say. what really annoys me and what might be dangerous is when the ''helper'' refuses to listen to the instructions i give them.

Oh... I SO agree milosh. I have almost gotten hurt by someone pulling me out of the truck as they tried to "help."

However, I usually say, "thanks for asking but I got it" or if they are a little ways off I ask "what did you say?" as I keep loading my chair in. By the time they get to me I have it loaded. -I have a truck with a rear hinged door and I can load myself and my chair in about 20 seconds. <note to self: I should do a video of that>

Often though esp if I am polite, the "helper" will strike up a conversation. I think most of the time they are curious or want to talk about the "loading" process.

[Illinois Boy]

I actually appreaciate the offers, makes me think that there are still some good hearted folks out there.....

Jim

[sbrown955]

I'm relatively new to all of this, so haven't had too many problems with the offers of help. Mostly, people who offer are fine when I tell them we don't need help. What has been irking me is how many people, when they hear about what happened to my daughter (gsw resulting in paraplegia), tell me variations on, "well, she is so young, I'm sure she'll walk again." That isn't useful or helpful! I've come to grips with the permanence of her condition, but the comments still confuse my daughter (she is 16).

[dan_nc]

Most people are just being polite when they offer to help. I'm not going to be rude and tell them off--I usually accept whatever help in the spirit it was offered.

[Mikerowaved]

sbrown955, on Dec 16 2007, 08:40 PM, said:

What has been irking me is how many people, when they hear about what happened to my daughter (gsw resulting in paraplegia), tell me variations on, "well, she is so young, I'm sure she'll walk again."

That's really sad. People can be so weird sometimes. I was actually told at my church that all I needed was more faith and I would walk again. I should have told them if THEY had more faith, they could stop all wars and end poverty too. (But I didn't.)

Sorry about the

[weelzz]

I think its great when someone wants to help... even when its not needed. Iv been paralyzed for almost 12 years & realize that sometimes ppl arent JUST doing it for you but for themselves as well. If I dont need help and they insist I usually use a magicians trick of misdirection. If Im unloading my chair which Ive done a thousand times & if someone helps they just get in the way, I usually tell them to chk my front end that I ran over something on the way here or to chk my rear windshield wiper for the size because I need a new one. They get to help and feel good about themselves and I am completely loaded or unloaded by the time they are done... easy.

[Tim13]

It may be annoying sometimes but every once in awhile, you need the help...

Todays weekly trip for groceries was one of those times. Got out of the car and had made it across the lot and almost into the store when i realized something didn't feel right. Sure enough, i hadn't pushed my right wheel on far enough and the pin that fits into the axle hadn't locked and now my wheel was about to fall off, tried to push it back on but that wasn't working, looked back toward my car and wondered if i could make it the hundred feet before the wheel came off, the odds were not in my favor. Suddenly, a blue BMW pulled up beside me and a lady got out and asked if i needed any help, i explained the problem and said the best thing was to get back to my car so i could secure the wheel, but there wasn't much she could do, (she was really small, maybe 90 lbs). Just then this massive guy came out of nowhere and said, here, i'll help and took the pressure off the wheel so i could push it back on and lock it. Total stranger too , had just driven down from Maine for christmas and pulled in to the store to make a phone call.

[benok]

I will be offended when people don't offer their help
even though I really don't need their help. I am five years post so I get the hang of things.

It's nice to discover people who can go out of their way to do some acts of kindness!

[essexscipilot]

Feel offended yes, get offended no but thats just me not wanting to accept i need help sometimes.

[Murray]

Had a neat little episode occur last week - was visiting the friendly neighborhood urologist (another damn UTI), and the nurse was getting stuff ready. She knows me some and said, "I'm not going to help you with anything until you ask me. Just let me know." She was referring to me transferring to the exam table, stripping, etc. I could tell it was hard for her to just "stand by." But her doing that was a helluva lot more helpful than trying to be a third hand. I thanked her.
Ordinarily, I prefer doing things myself. If someone offers to help - I can choose. If they "butt in" with their assistance - step back. It's liable to get ugly. I blame that on age - ha!

[tomasso]

IF IT`S HELPFUL, I TELL THEM THANKS AND I APPRECIATE THE HELP...IF I SAY NO THANKS AND THEY INSISTS ON HELPING, I LET THEM CONTINUE TO HELP WHILE I START ON ANOTHER TASK...