618 replies to this topic

[jenny407]

Hapa -- thanks for the laugh.

Ehem, photos please???

OK, forget it. LOL

[StillFingers]

I need a drink...ah...thank you

Edited by StillFingers, 11 May 2011 - 05:44 PM.

[bucsaringer]

SUBJECT: THE PASTOR'S ASS






The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery,

even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

[Illinois Boy]

Just like those damn perverted Catholics........

Have some brew...

Jim

[Heretic]

Here's one for the Footie thread. Remember Bullseye?

Come and have a look at what you could have won...




Only amusing to UK non-Man Utd footy fans.

Edited by Heretic, 31 May 2011 - 01:23 PM.

[dangerousdave]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded,
'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'
He said,
'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my husband
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....


Naked.

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!


Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Her letter:

Dear Ex -Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,

Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[dangerousdave]

LOVELY TO BE AGING

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!!!!

[Illinois Boy]

Being one of the few Gear Heads left on the forum...

My Fathers Day would be complete if my NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon would win Michigan.... [taking sole possession of 3rd all time]
Larry Dixon would get his first top fuel win in Drag Racing...

Dario Francitti would blow up on lap 1 at Milwaukee....

ROCK ON.....

Jim

[dangerousdave]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a ** e?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
(Shipman was a rogue doctor in GB who killed his patients)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
THE FOREHEAD DOT

Finally, someone has explained this.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he'swon a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a
motel in the United Kingdom . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.

[Illinois Boy]

DD, You have way too much free time on your hands...

Funny jokes though...

Jim

[dangerousdave]

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two word 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. . but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED

[Doodle]

Pass me a a cold Irish Cider please.... Aaaaah thanks!

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[Trinity]

funny you should say that, I'm enjoying a nice cold

[Doodle]

Waaaaaay thats exactly what I have, I was too lazy to search for Magners Pear picture!

Edited by Doodle, 23 June 2011 - 06:00 PM.

[lavenderthistle]

I'm having Crispin Brut cider.....sigh....I miss vacation

[evilmac64]

well im with old faithful vodka with lime and oxycodone on the side. it took about an hour to write this or is it type this any way...........
oh did i tell you i love you guys im pretty sure about that right now any way

[isobar]

I'm having Pyrat's X. O. Reserve all i need now is some witty conversation ...... any takers.

[Heretic]

This is me...

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[babyblues]

Herry--

ahhh, yes, "old peculiar" is an apt description?

sorry, I'm headfirst in a nice bottle of Gewurztraminer and gouda cheese....mmmmmm.

i'd have to agree with Mac up there....I love you guys!

BB

P.S. Mac, pass the oxy, wouldja? failing that, who's got the bong now? and somebody call me a taxi, I think I'm just gonna tie one on and wake up next week, might be less painful!

Edited by babyblues, 25 July 2011 - 10:51 PM.