[Lucydog]

Ok this is a vanity sort of question prompted by a meeting with a cousin of mine who while being very nice is also totally vain and in love with herself!!!! Now Im not wanting to denigrate anyone but I was wondering if you were the type of super popular good looking attractive guy or girl before Sci, if you found acceptance of your injury more difficult than those of us who are just run of the mill average.

For instance I was a bespectacled, spotty, fat and short teenager who didnt turn into a swan in adulthood and has generally gone through life not being the prettiest woman around. So I learned to get by on humour, conversation and other skills instead I suppose. Im also used to not being in with the in crowd! So I suppose what Im saying is that SCI for me was perhaps not quite as bad in a way as it was another thing to add to a pretty rubbish self image anyway.

So going back to the cousin who is always being told how gorgeous and atractive she is and she believes her own publicity I was thinking how vanity and body image and self worth are all mixed up together.

if you were cool, and attractive and in with the in crowd before your accident perhaps youd like to share your experiences if any? thanks

[dan_nc]

I just want to say that I believe spinal cord injury was easier for me to deal with because I'm not beautiful, I'm just run-of-the-mill (and that's being pretty generous).

I have seen a lot of very attractive people with spinal cord injury. In fact, it seems like most of the people I met with SCI are quite good looking. For a while, I feel like I really shouldn't be part of this club. Is that weird?

[KimAndSophie]

I think it has a lot more to do with your attitude than how you look.

[sjmhb030]

I'm not being conceded or anything, but I think I'm an OK looking guy. I mean I don't think I would call myself ugly, but I wouldn't call myself drop dead gorgeous either, haha. Since my injury I guess I feel unattractive because of my chair, my hands, the way my legs/stomach look....I don't know, it's just the way I feel. But popularity wise it's the same. Actually I'm more popular I think because my neighborhood is one of those close knit Irish neighborhoods, so practically everyone knows who I am. Which can be good and bad. I mean if I'm trying to go somewhere and I run into someone it's an hour convo about school, how am I doing, blah blah blah...but I can't complain I would rather that then nobody talking to me. Looks like I rambled on long enough, haha.

[buffie]

I did consider myself to be quite vain, but I was not conceited. I was always complimented and told how pretty I was, I was thin with a nice body and I sought after constantly by men. After my injury I didn't want to go anywhere because of how I looked. Recently, I have started venturing out but before I go I make sure every hair is in place, makeup is applied perfectly, quad belly is binded as tight as I can stand it, among plenty other things all because I want to appear as normal as possible in my chair.

I know it sounds crazy but I remember while still in rehab, I would see other quads like me and constantly ask if that's how I looked in my chair. They all appeared to just look special. Paraplegics did not look like us and so now I guess from being vain pre-sci, I just want to not look special (no offense intended) when I do go out.

[rhyang]

My first time in a standing frame during physical therapy someone asked if I felt 'normal' (I guess referring to the posture) ... I said something like 'sure, as normal as I can feel with staples in my head, a halo, and a catheter'. The staples, halo, and foley all eventually went away. I still look like a geek though, so it's all good

[JOHNS421]

Lucydog, on Dec 17 2007, 10:18 AM, said:

Ok this is a vanity sort of question prompted by a meeting with a cousin of mine who while being very nice is also totally vain and in love with herself!!!! Now Im not wanting to denigrate anyone but I was wondering if you were the type of super popular good looking attractive guy or girl before Sci, if you found acceptance of your injury more difficult than those of us who are just run of the mill average.

For instance I was a bespectacled, spotty, fat and short teenager who didnt turn into a swan in adulthood and has generally gone through life not being the prettiest woman around. So I learned to get by on humour, conversation and other skills instead I suppose. Im also used to not being in with the in crowd! So I suppose what Im saying is that SCI for me was perhaps not quite as bad in a way as it was another thing to add to a pretty rubbish self image anyway.

So going back to the cousin who is always being told how gorgeous and atractive she is and she believes her own publicity I was thinking how vanity and body image and self worth are all mixed up together.

if you were cool, and attractive and in with the in crowd before your accident perhaps youd like to share your experiences if any? thanks

Wow, that's a good one for me. I was totally obsessed with the way I looked. I was so tan it was disgusting but I couldn't see it at the time, I worked out for hours everyday and couldn't stand an inch of fat on me, bleach blonde hair, body to kill for but it was never good enough for me. I never felt like I was good enough even though I didn't have a problem at all with men. Deep down I had some issues evidently. Now one of the greatests things is that I don't have to worry about working out and tanning everyday and I can actually use that time to do something useful. Most people tell me that I look younger than I used to. I certainly don't feel georgous when I go out now but I feel pretty enough and I don't work at all for it! To me it's nice not having all the drama that came with trying to be beautiful all the freakin' time. Now i'm finally just me and i like that better.

[hockeydahc]

I was a fat VERY shy kid all my life. I did kinda do the ugly duckling thing. just coming out of my shell at 20, I received my injury. after 4 years of hermit-like days, I started getting me some hobbies. I'm certainly more open, friendly, outgoing, and physically active than I ever was. I have fun playing sled hockey and turning out pottery as artwork. I'm fine with the injury, and I can hardly go anywhere without seeing someone I know. Everyone seems to look past the chair. I'm told I'm a good looking guy, but I'm always going to think of myself as the fat kid and too shy to talk to women. Still lonely as ever, but I guess it's my fault for not thinking i'm good enough to ask someone for a date.

[mad]

Yes buffie you are real pretty. nice completic.

[sjean423]

Interesting thought. I have run into a few people (online) who seem to feel that a cure is OWED to THEM b/c they are so young, beautiful and know all the right people. I know personally I was older, and had accepted my average image. So my sci didn't effect my self image, as to how I LOOK. Just as into how my parts WORK.

[~!*Sunshine*!~]

i guess i sorta fit into this category, but i didn't really realize it before my accident. i wasn't always attractive nor did i have a great body, but for some reason i was always popular. the being popular part came natural...i've always loved being around people and def. wasn't shy. i moved around a lot and never worried about making new friends cuz that was as easy as breathing. about 8th grade my mom informed me i was coming outta my ugly duckling stage. i was always 1 to have my hair and make-up done and tanned but at the same time i enjoyed getting dirty (riding dirtbikes/4 wheelers, fishing, hunting, etc). i never thought i was beautiful or even that pretty however i was very shallow when i came to who i would date. which i would think means on some level i thought i was too good for an "average" guy. my 1st boyfriend was/is a model and then all the rest but 1 were very good looking, popular jocks except 1 and he was the older hot guy with the nice car. they also all had amazing personalities which made them even better catches. throughout high school (minus senior year) i don't think i went a day without being hit on and i ended up getting really annoyed by it especially at work (i was a waitress). now its hard to even remember how good it felt to get that attention. i've definitely had a hard time adjusting to the lack of dating opportunities. its a good thing i really wasn't too much for being in relationships before. i preferred being single so i could do whatever i wanted. i also don't think making new friends is as "easy as breathing" anymore either. i'm still very outgoing but don't have nearly as many friends. it seems to be even harder for me to make female friends now which i always thought it would be harder with guys. i still get compliments about being a good person or friend which is what really matters, but i have to admit i definitely wouldn't mind getting some more of those old shallow ones. i don't like looking at myself in the mirror or pics of myself anymore that's for sure. don't get the wrong idea i wasn't a before in fact i can't think of anyone other than siblings and my stepmom that have ever called me that (i was even voted best personality) but i was certainly focused on the wrong stuff. i know it's had some effect but i've actually handled everything fairly well. i mean i've had my bad days but for the most part i think for only being 17 at the time of injury i adjusted really well.

[kewlcatkez]

Well, I do agree with KimAndSophie, its mostly about attitude.

However I am not the most beautiful looking woman...I mean I do get a lot of comments about my looks, especially my eyes and hair, but I am not stunning ( IMO). I have been 'hit on', both pre and since chair. I do get folks saying (how rude!) that i am "too beautiful to be in a wheelchair"...I hate that statement.

I always try and portray a confident exterior, no matter how I am actually feeling and I think it makes me more approachable ( for those comments!) and also gives the sometimes illusion that I am happy with the skin I am in...That can add to someones attractiveness I think.

As for coping with disability being more difficult for those who are beautiful, well it depends how we define beauty and wether someone else's definition of beauty is what motivates, supports or controls our outlook.

I have met some people who would be considered quite far from 'beautiful' in appearance. They have been such stunning people though, that it has radiated out of their skins, almost and had an impact on those around them. The opposite is also true, I have met people who would be considered as asthetically pleasing to the eye and they have been eaten up with bitterness, arrogance etc, that it oozes out of them. The two are interchangeable I believe and that there is a broad spectrum and they are just a part.


The way I see it on the whole, and how I have actually seen it in many ( in a former life!) is that people who feel down and like they are unattractive fall further and take it as hard as those who are beauty pageant types. Indeed, I know of disabled women who are attractive and use their looks to their advantage to break down barriers their wheels etc create,

I suppose the bottom line is that nothing is clear cut. How an individual feels inside can over rule ( positively or negatively`) what is seen outside to some extent.

K


edited typo

This post has been edited by kewlcatkez: 18 December 2007 - 06:26 PM

[Ches]

Pre Injury I never spent a friday night alone. I was blessed with good looks, a smoking bod and a decent personality, I definitly was relying on all my external fixtures to get me what I wanted.

Post Injury, I spent the first few days bathing, plucking, shaving, doing whatever I could to try andmake myself as pretty as possible.. Major Compensation.. I had an identity crisis shortly before leaving the hospital, I chopped off my hair, dyed it, and completely changed the wardrobe. I was just trying to look the part and stilll look good I guess?

I spent the first few months hesistant to get out. I was so afraid to embarass myself. Months later, everythings back to the way it was before the injury.

My friends never thinned out. I've always have been well known, luckily for all the right reasons. I grew up in a small city/big town..a guy there just a few yrs older than myself got into a wreck and was paralyzed 3 or 4 yrs before me. Because of that, everyone kinda already had accepted an SCI around town and it wasnt a big deal for my peers. I've got a great set of friends, I've spent the last 25 yrs picking them out and accepting them for who they are, fortunately they have been good enough to do the same.

My only complaint in this all,, is that I cant get up to show off my tush anymore!

[lune14]

Ches, on Dec 18 2007, 06:59 PM, said:

My only complaint in this all,, is that I cant get up to show off my tush anymore!

LOL CHes.... the world is a much better place because I canNOT show my tush anymore! ;-)

[nomis]

Dammit, now I'm upset I can't get to see Ches get up to show off her tush anymore! Life can be so cruel. But I am cheered by her being here. Hi Ches.

We tend to stereotype beauty to such a degree that it limits us to seeing the beauty all around us and in each other.

I was pushing through the throngs at the shopping mall today. I hate crowds but love seeing the people. I know I must have seen lots of beautiful people but they were busy, heads down, eyes fixed and there's only one I can remember. She had a glorious head of graying hair and we briefly caught eyes. If I had not caught those beautiful eyes I probably would not have remembered the hair. It's what people radiate.

I need a haircut. Then I will be beautiful. Today, apparently, I am not beautiful. I feel great but my hair is in my eyes and unkempt.

This post has been edited by nomis: 19 December 2007 - 08:39 AM

[dom]

i had my fair share of g/fs pre- accident but even then i was sick of the way society is with regards to looks etc,it is force-fed through the media,tv etc,when i watch films [especially hollywood productions] the ppl are inevitably rich,beautiful,charming etc etc, i know we don't want to watch tedious programmes [it reminds us of real life] but what with the way things are going-designer wear for kids etc we are fast becoming a selfish,blinkered society and not appreciating the other attributes we have
ps- some of the women i have been with were lookers but to live with them,a definite no no,quite honestly since becoming disabled it has'nt made one iota of difference to my outlook

[Zammo]

I definitely felt that I was a good looking guy, and post-sci I've had a problem with my self image.

I'm just not comfortable with how I look and if I get any compliments I just smile graciously but inside I just feel like I'm being placated.

I know this is my personal issue to overcome, but I'm still adjusting to my new(ish) life. But this is certainly one of the toughest issues I have to deal with.

[bensmart]

I was no Brad Pitt (or you select someone you think is hot) but I wasn't bad looking at all. I got more attention than I wanted or needed because of my looks. I have had a hard time accepting the changes in my body, and although I think I'm a lot of fun to be around and generally better informed and well-read than most of my peers (and maybe a little stuck on myself LOL) i don't have the "gang" hanging around me anymore and that hasn't been easy either, so I'm forming a new gang, and guess what? You're included.

[xeena]

sjmhb030, on Dec 17 2007, 06:37 PM, said:

I'm not being conceded or anything, but I think I'm an OK looking guy. I mean I don't think I would call myself ugly, but I wouldn't call myself drop dead gorgeous either, haha. Since my injury I guess I feel unattractive because of my chair, my hands, the way my legs/stomach look....I don't know, it's just the way I feel. But popularity wise it's the same. Actually I'm more popular I think because my neighborhood is one of those close knit Irish neighborhoods, so practically everyone knows who I am. Which can be good and bad. I mean if I'm trying to go somewhere and I run into someone it's an hour convo about school, how am I doing, blah blah blah...but I can't complain I would rather that then nobody talking to me. Looks like I rambled on long enough, haha.

can i get yi=our number Just kidding

[xeena]

OK SERIOUSLY,
I DONT KNOW IF I LOOK GOOD OR NOT BUTI'M SURE WHEELCHAIR OR NOT I'D TURN A FEW HEADS. bUT IT ISNT REALLY ABOUT WHAT IS ON THE OUTSIDE BUT WHATS GOING ON INSIDE, SELF CONFIDENCE AND GOOD NATURE AND MIGHT IADD GOD'S GOLRY. Notice how a VERY BEAUTIFUL PERSONS BAUETY SOON FADES ONCE YOU GET TO SEE HOW NASTY OR SELF CONCIETED THEY ARE? YEP! WORK ON YOU. hAPPY hOLIDAYS

[woodman]

The way you look has nothing to do with the way that you perform, after sci, of course.

I never gave a shit how I looked in the first place.

I woke up @ 4AM to do stretch exercises, then ab workout & 2 mile run. My job was a landscape laborer. I WANTED it. I LOVED it.

I didn't mind getting thirsty in the hot sun and sucking water off a raw line (freshly installed spigot), or eating dog meat with some of my "ethnic" colleagues at work (tastes like pork).

After a hard day, I went to the gym to lift weights. On weekend days I got shitfaced with my friends.

I'ld rather burn my face and look like a f*@king alien than stay the way I am; and I'm c 5-6 "INCOMPLETE".


DISABILITY SUCKS!

Deal with it.

[nomis]

Superficially, beauty counts. Research has shown that people respond more positively towards a symmetric face, big eyes, full lips, good skin. It’s instinctive to be attracted to such people. Attractive people get attention.

Put someone in a wheelchair and you still have an attractive person. But the superficial reaction will have conflict with beauty versus chair.

All very important when you are young and hunting out a mate.

Then come the wise older people who say beauty is much deeper. I for instance, know that the real me is something precious and beautiful. I’m confident with that. Puzzles me why few others appreciate it, but there you are.

It’s logical that we old wise folk talk this way because we are now old, no longer great beauties of the flesh. We’ve had our time. It’s gone. So of course we are going to invent stories to defend the unfortunate situation our age has gotten us into. And when we lecture on this it’s our job to convince young people we know these things because we are “wise”. We want you to think us wise, rather than cunning, because without our original beauty we at least want to pretend we have something to give us dignity.

[lune14]

nomis, on Dec 26 2007, 02:15 AM, said:

Superficially, beauty counts. Research has shown that people respond more positively towards a symmetric face, big eyes, full lips, good skin. It’s instinctive to be attracted to such people. Attractive people get attention.

Put someone in a wheelchair and you still have an attractive person. But the superficial reaction will have conflict with beauty versus chair.

All very important when you are young and hunting out a mate.

Then come the wise older people who say beauty is much deeper. I for instance, know that the real me is something precious and beautiful. I’m confident with that. Puzzles me why few others appreciate it, but there you are.

It’s logical that we old wise folk talk this way because we are now old, no longer great beauties of the flesh. We’ve had our time. It’s gone. So of course we are going to invent stories to defend the unfortunate situation our age has gotten us into. And when we lecture on this it’s our job to convince young people we know these things because we are “wise”. We want you to think us wise, rather than cunning, because without our original beauty we at least want to pretend we have something to give us dignity.

As usual, so well put nomis

[wheels1974]

Now I'm a easy going type of guy and I get along with anyone and very little gets to me BUT there is one thing that CUSSES me right off.
I've had people say to my parents, friends, relatives "poor thing, it's a pity he's in a chair he looks so good" Same thing applies when you turn on the TV watching the News and a tragic story comes up that has a TRAGIC out come. The majority of the time people will say "OMG he/she was so attractive it's such a shame it happened to them" I mean really what in the WORLD does physical appearance have to do with anything when such a tragic accident occurs. What I may find attractive others may find ordinary and visa versa. Back to the question that "Luckydog" brought up. At the end of the day I believe it's the individuals personality and attitude not a persons appearance. Although in saying this I understand your question "Luckydog" and you have a point, but I just HOPE that the personality of a person doesn't change due to SCI.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL...

[Tired of hurting]

wheels1974, on Jan 2 2008, 09:13 PM, said:

Now I'm a easy going type of guy and I get along with anyone and very little gets to me BUT there is one thing that CUSSES me right off.
I've had people say to my parents, friends, relatives "poor thing, it's a pity he's in a chair he looks so good" Same thing applies when you turn on the TV watching the News and a tragic story comes up that has a TRAGIC out come. The majority of the time people will say "OMG he/she was so attractive it's such a shame it happened to them" I mean really what in the WORLD does physical appearance have to do with anything when such a tragic accident occurs. What I may find attractive others may find ordinary and visa versa. Back to the question that "Luckydog" brought up. At the end of the day I believe it's the individuals personality and attitude not a persons appearance. Although in saying this I understand your question "Luckydog" and you have a point, but I just HOPE that the personality of a person doesn't change due to SCI.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL...

I love your way of thinking. The first thing I learned in wheelchair group was: You can wake up and be misable each day or You can wake up and be Thankful for what still works. I choose to be Happy and go out and smile and make people think, about how lucky they are...I believe God put me in a chair to get me away from a mentally ill husband. Four weeks after injury,He says I'm holding him back. It was down hill from there. He would never take me to the store. He told marriage couseler he was embarrassed to take me out in public. He said,"I walk like a retard and look like one in my wheelchair. So I couldn't win. Best friend and lover for 29 years gone. It's been a year since divorce,and life is sweet. I have a peaceful place to heal and no one yells or screams at me,because I can't do things. I'm a single parent of a foster child who is Down Syndrome. I coach basketball, and baseball for developmentally disabled chidren. it brings joy to my heart. I'm thankful

[Tired of hurting]

woodman, on Dec 25 2007, 09:17 PM, said:

The way you look has nothing to do with the way that you perform, after sci, of course.

I never gave a shit how I looked in the first place.

I woke up @ 4AM to do stretch exercises, then ab workout & 2 mile run. My job was a landscape laborer. I WANTED it. I LOVED it.

I didn't mind getting thirsty in the hot sun and sucking water off a raw line (freshly installed spigot), or eating dog meat with some of my "ethnic" colleagues at work (tastes like pork).

After a hard day, I went to the gym to lift weights. On weekend days I got shitfaced with my friends.

I'ld rather burn my face and look like a f*@king alien than stay the way I am; and I'm c 5-6 "INCOMPLETE".


DISABILITY SUCKS!

Deal with it.

Well Woodman I agree it does suck somedays. I try to wake up and be thankful for what works. I visit a man in a home,that can't talk or move from the head down. He uses a keyboard that talks for him. When I leave him...I am so thankful for what works. I would crack up if I could talk.Be thankful for the beauty around you. Which island are you on? Lisa

[Tired of hurting]

[quote][quote name='bensmart' date='Dec 20 2007, 03:59 PM' post='48185']
I was no Brad Pitt (or you select someone you think is hot) but I wasn't bad looking at all. I got more attention than I wanted or needed because of my looks. I have had a hard time accepting the changes in my body, and although I think I'm a lot of fun to be around and generally better informed and well-read than most of my peers (and maybe a little stuck on myself LOL) i don't have the "gang" hanging around me anymore and that hasn't been easy either, so I'm forming a new gang, and guess what? You're included.
[/quote]

I can relate you really find out who your friends are! Most of my old friends can't be bothered with me. Now I'm a wheelchair user. Finding new friends is not that easy. I don't drink never have,so I don't do the bar thing. Nor do I want to be involved with people that drink.I'd be happy to be included in your new gang. It seems real fun talking to people who have the same problems. Your Friend Lisa

[dom]

wheels1974, on Jan 3 2008, 03:13 AM, said:

Now I'm a easy going type of guy and I get along with anyone and very little gets to me BUT there is one thing that CUSSES me right off.
I've had people say to my parents, friends, relatives "poor thing, it's a pity he's in a chair he looks so good" Same thing applies when you turn on the TV watching the News and a tragic story comes up that has a TRAGIC out come. The majority of the time people will say "OMG he/she was so attractive it's such a shame it happened to them" I mean really what in the WORLD does physical appearance have to do with anything when such a tragic accident occurs. What I may find attractive others may find ordinary and visa versa. Back to the question that "Luckydog" brought up. At the end of the day I believe it's the individuals personality and attitude not a persons appearance. Although in saying this I understand your question "Luckydog" and you have a point, but I just HOPE that the personality of a person doesn't change due to SCI.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL...

yes wheels i totally agree with you there,the world is too superficial sometimes for my tastes,i blame the media brainwashing people

[dave420atya]

It's sad but true . I can't complain though , I no I have received favor in many circumstances in life pre and post sci because of my looks even for my long hair. Of course being an Iron worker I was in excellent shape. Yes was , no 6 pack now . I have enjoyed being attractive but I abhor our shallow society , but I am guilty of enjoying the company of beautiful women . Although I have found that true beauty can be seen best in the dark . For in the dark outer beauty fades and inner beauty , true beauty shines through. I have had a so called beautiful woman appear hidious to me after I got to know her and vise versa~

[wheels1974]

dave420atya, on Jan 4 2008, 01:12 AM, said:

It's sad but true . I can't complain though , I no I have received favor in many circumstances in life pre and post sci because of my looks even for my long hair. Of course being an Iron worker I was in excellent shape. Yes was , no 6 pack now . I have enjoyed being attractive but I abhor our shallow society , but I am guilty of enjoying the company of beautiful women . Although I have found that true beauty can be seen best in the dark . For in the dark outer beauty fades and inner beauty , true beauty shines through. I have had a so called beautiful woman appear hidious to me after I got to know her and vise versa~

Regarding "enjoying the company of beautiful woman" I believe most guys would enjoy that, I know I sure do, I don't feel guilty about that at all providing I'm single. When it comes to finding your "soul mate" or whatever you wish to call it.
I'm a strong believer that there must be some chemistry between the two, whether it's his/her smile, eyes, hair what ever the case may be, for me that's the foundation set in a new relationship. For the relationship to work out and last is up to the couple to be HONEST and COMPROMISE. Any TRUE relationship is SERIOUSLY hard work, regardless whether your disabled or not, statistics will back me up, 40% of marriages don't last, they are bloody SCARY stats.
IF true LOVE is found then it will work out. Unfortunately the vast majority in today's society don't really understand the real meaning of the words "HONESTY" & To be "IN LOVE" as opposed to "LOVING" someone. I also think high percentages of relationships happen for convenience more then anything else and once the "honeymoon" period so to speak is over they quickly move on and continue doing the same old thing.
When ever I read a profile or hear someone say "Looks mean NOTHING at ALL to me, it's personality that I'm after" I just don't by it for a second because IF that were true one of my cousins who is AB and is 33, has never been in a relationship and her personality is AMAZING to say the least but she's overweight and that's what made it hard for her. She now has lost a ton of weight and guys are now starting to hit on her quite often, thankfully she listens to me when we have our routine Deep & Meaningful. She's still single and wont settle for just anyone now that she has shedded the pounds.

On another note who needs a 6 pack when you can have a KEG... lol
Regards
Dean