21 replies to this topic

[druane]

Hello there! After a serious bicycle accident my husband is now a T5 paraplegic. How do you stay sane?

I mean caring for him, the house is being remodeled, I resigning from my job, my Marine son is being deployed to Iraq and all the household stuff I'm doing. And to top it all off I found out he was having a short lived affair before the accident. I mean, when does it become just too much? Some days I don't seem to have a problem, but others I just cry most of the day. I wonder why, I get mad at the driver that hit him, I get mad at him, I just get mad. Then sometimes I just want to hug him, do what I can to help him and try to make it all better for us.

I don't mean to whine, I'm sure others have experienced what I'm going through. Now that I'm resigning from my job, I'll be his main caregiver and I don't want to lose my identity through it all. Honestly I say I'm going to go to the gym and reconnect with my friends when I'm no longer working, but how when all I do is worry about him when I'm not here. The injury is so new to both of us (7 months) and he's just not strong enough to do alot of daily stuff by himself.

Any help or advice that you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[Kev-O]

Is there a reason he is not strong enough to do most of that stuff on his own or is it he just does not know how to yet. Everytime you help him do things that he can do on his own like tie his shoes or get him his plate for dinner all your doing is hurting him. He is not a baby an were his injury is he should be able to do 99% of daily living stuff on his own, its just going to take a little time for him to relyze that an the more of those little things you do for him its going to take longer for him to relyze that. I am also a T-5 an i do everything for myself an i have been in a chair for a little under 2 years. I dont know everything thats going on but a T-5 injury does not need a caregiver they just need time. Now i know its going to be hard to not help him sometimes but you would be doing what would best help him in the long run. I also dont see why you are resigning from your job, he is not going to brake if he is left home by himself. like i said i am also a t-5 an if you or your hubby have any questions about the injury or any little tricks to getting dressed or taking a shit i would be more then happy to help any way i can.

P.S. if i sounded like an asshole i really didn't mean to. I just think thats something you really need to know an it will help you.

P.S.S my dad was a Marine an i had planed on going into the marine corp after high school, so tell your son to stay safe over there an semper fi

[Coach]

Whinings okay, especially here. I wish you weren't quitting your job, but of course don't know why you think doing so is necessary. After I broke my neck my mother was my main caretaker for 6 years. I finally moved out, thus freeing both of us. You both eventually may realize that it's important, maybe even necessary if, that is, it's possible, for you to have a life that includes significant time away from him. Otherwise you'll have to deal with a guilt/anger situation that will tend to get worse. He's likely to want you to do everything, but you need balance. Too, you're going to worry about him, but don't let avoiding worrying lead into playing a role you're at times going to deeply resent. And also, depending on the detail of his injury, he's going to be able to do more and more for himself and for you too. I broke my neck in 1963 (C-6, -7) and got stronger every year until 1990!

His relatively recent affair is a cruel turn of the screw. Good luck, and I hope you'll be able to take care of yourself. Your situation is too much, and your tears well-earned.

[Illinois Boy]

I'm a Quadrplegic, and my wife continued to work after my accident.....

I also returned to work for 27 years.......

Best Wishes,

Jim

[Andrew Meddings]

KEV'S ADVICE IS GOOD DONT MOTHER HIM, IF HE NEEDS HELP HE WILL ASK. SONDS LIKE YOU NEED TO WORK OUT WORRY A BIT MORE ABOUT LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF & WHAT YOU NEED FIRST .

[druane]

Thank for all the advice. Keep it coming any help I can find at this point is useful. Yes you're right I need to stop mothering him! He ask me to help him alot and when I suggest he do it on his own he says "it's too hard." What do I do with that? If I refuse to do it for him, he refuses to do it!

As far as resigning...I work 60 miles away (total 120 mile trip a day) and our health insurance doesn't cover home health aid. That coupled with the gas prices I really am not bringing home enough income to make the drive and additional stress worth while. I just don't want to loose my identity in all of this.

Some of the things that he needs to do on his own, he just isn't strong enough. Not even sure what he should or could be doing on his own. Any advice on that? What can be done at home to help him progress? When I suggest to him to get out of bed and into his chair for awhile his comment is "what for?" FRUSTRATING to say the least.

As far as tips and tricks, I don't have any specific questions (really don't know what to ask), so if you've got something I should know pass it along.

Thanks again.

[hockeydahc]

again, I get to use my favorite quote:
"Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius."

I'm telling you...If you stop doing for him what he can do himself...he'll find a way to get it done. If not immedietly, eventually. He'll find the strength, learn to work the angles, and find that what's "hard" offers a challenge to be overcome.

let him lie in bed all day and go about what you gotta get done. meals are served in the dining room, if he wants to eat, he'll get in his chair. Eventually he'll just get bored anyway.

[Kev-O]

 druane, on Dec 20 2007, 03:10 PM, said:

Thank for all the advice. Keep it coming any help I can find at this point is useful. Yes you're right I need to stop mothering him! He ask me to help him alot and when I suggest he do it on his own he says "it's too hard." What do I do with that? If I refuse to do it for him, he refuses to do it!

As far as resigning...I work 60 miles away (total 120 mile trip a day) and our health insurance doesn't cover home health aid. That coupled with the gas prices I really am not bringing home enough income to make the drive and additional stress worth while. I just don't want to loose my identity in all of this.

Some of the things that he needs to do on his own, he just isn't strong enough. Not even sure what he should or could be doing on his own. Any advice on that? What can be done at home to help him progress? When I suggest to him to get out of bed and into his chair for awhile his comment is "what for?" FRUSTRATING to say the least.

As far as tips and tricks, I don't have any specific questions (really don't know what to ask), so if you've got something I should know pass it along.

Thanks again.

when he says things are to hard tell him to bad. If you dont do it for him he will do it himself, he might find every reason not to but he will come around an start doing stuff on his own. As for what he should do for himself, well he can do everything he did before his accident. look up some pic's of bed sores prent them out an next time you tell him to get out of bed an he says for what show him the bed sores an tell him thats what happens if you lay in bed to long. scare the shit out of him if you have to. it will all be for the best

[cate]

 hockeydahc, on Dec 20 2007, 05:27 PM, said:

again, I get to use my favorite quote:
"Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius."

I telling you...If you stop doing for him what he can do himself...he'll find a way to get it done. If not immedietly, eventually. He'll find the strength, learn to work the angles, and find that what's "hard" offers a challenge to be overcome.

let him lie in bed all day and go about what you gotta get done. meals are served in the dining room, if he wants to eat, he'll get in his chair. Eventually he'll just get bored anyway.

You must think of yourself. I was a carer for many years for mother in law. you must not be available for him to lean on you all the time, and drag you down. You need to get out, maybe find a part time job. Be a little angry with regards the affair, perhaps she would like to come over for day to help and give you time out. (Em I do not think so. Please do not allow yourself to be a door mat. the suggestions on here take note of, they are from members dealing with it ,so he can. maybe slow but time is not important.Cate

[woodman]

druane,


A T-5 injury leaves a lot to work with.
It's not like he can't still use his hands (unlike C-spine SCI's).

There will be an adjustment period, but he should survive.

[smokymtn memories]

I can see why you're quitting your job, the commute alone would be tough. I would see about finding another close to home, at least part-time. You need time for yourself. Working out at a gym with friends would also be a good stress reliever.

In regards to the affair, you need to resolve that issue with him. And you have'nt, or you would'nt have mentioned it. If you don't, it will eat at you and keep you angry and resentful.

And, everyone is right, he has to start doing for himself. You're not helping when you give in to him and I know it's probably hard to not help him.

Good luck and best wishes to you both. Wish I could do something or say something that would help.

[sjean423]

I can see now why you are quitting your job, that commute is tough. but definitely find something else closer to home. If you quit, what will you have for insurance by the way?

But as fas as what he can do for himself, just about everything. You shouldn;t be needing a home health aid as far as I can see. I am t7-8, and am completely independent in self care. (dressing, grooming,cathing etc.) I am mostly independent in the kitchen (can be completely so if I limit my cooking slightly ... about all I can't manage is putting heavy pans in/out of oven.) We have revamped the kitchen so that I can reach most things. The only things up high are things I wouldn't need if home alone anyway. I need help for laundry, since it is in the basement (darn!) but can do it alone at my mothers. And vacuuming takes way to long to bother to do alone, so I farm it out to my kids. I just recently got back to driving, although I haven;t attempted grocery shopping alone yet. I don;t do the yard work, but I know paras who do.

The whole "nothing to get up for" bit leads me to think that he should be considering talking to his doctor about depression.

Good luck. It is still early on. He should keep improving (in ability at least, and possibly in function.)

Is he still receiving any outpatient rehab?

[YYZ]

I'm C5/6 quadriplegic. I need a few hours in the morning with a nurses aid, but after they leave, I'm on my own, including getting meals, getting into bed, undressing, etc.

It always amazes me to see what some of these paraplegics are getting away with. Unless he is ill, or something else is seriously wrong, he should be a lot more independent. Unbelievable!

YYZ

Edited by YYZ, 25 December 2007 - 06:37 PM.

[Photo_Angel]

Hey druane just wanted to say hi and i feel ya. My Boyfriend became paralyzed as of Oct. 2007 and it has been a different life that's for sure. But things do get better. At first he was a complete ass and we fought all the time. But when i finally couldn't take it anymore i sat down with him and told him how i was feelin. He still continued to be an ass. It took me 3 talks with him to make him realize my pain also. It has only been 5 months and things between us seem to be gettin better. But the caregivers also have to think how the para's are feelin. Take Care!

[Motor]

 Photo_Angel, on Mar 22 2008, 07:47 PM, said:

Hey druane just wanted to say hi and i feel ya. My Boyfriend became paralyzed as of Oct. 2007 and it has been a different life that's for sure. But things do get better. At first he was a complete ass and we fought all the time. But when i finally couldn't take it anymore i sat down with him and told him how i was feelin. He still continued to be an ass. It took me 3 talks with him to make him realize my pain also. It has only been 5 months and things between us seem to be gettin better. But the caregivers also have to think how the para's are feelin. Take Care!

Hello Druane!

Welcome to the forum, its great site for info. In my opinion and talking from expieriance get outside help for him as a caregiver. Using my wife almost ruined my marriage of 20 years. Don't make the mistake we made. Its hard to be a wife and caregiver at the same time. My wife said "how can I lay next to you and be romantic after just changing a diaper or helping you cath..etc! The two just don't mix. At least for us it didn't. You need your own identity so keep busy and try not to enable him I'm a T-6 and can due everything for myself but didn't in the beginning. I was to busy having a pitty party. It got worse before it got better, but I promise it should get better! Good luck and look me up if I can be of any help!

Edited by Motor, 23 March 2008 - 03:39 AM.

[linda]

 YYZ, on Dec 25 2007, 09:05 AM, said:

I'm C5/6 quadriplegic. I need a few hours in the morning with a nurses aid, but after they leave, I'm on my own, including getting meals, getting into bed, undressing, etc.

It always amazes me to see what some of these paraplegics are getting away with. Unless he is ill, or something else is seriously wrong, he should be a lot more independent. Unbelievable!

YYZ

YYZ my daughter is a C5 incomplete and she is unable to get meals, transfer to bed or undress she depends on others for those things. She is unable to lift a cup to her mouth she has to drink through a straw.

[qbounce]

 linda, on Mar 23 2008, 08:59 PM, said:

 YYZ, on Dec 25 2007, 09:05 AM, said:

I'm C5/6 quadriplegic. I need a few hours in the morning with a nurses aid, but after they leave, I'm on my own, including getting meals, getting into bed, undressing, etc.

It always amazes me to see what some of these paraplegics are getting away with. Unless he is ill, or something else is seriously wrong, he should be a lot more independent. Unbelievable!

YYZ

YYZ my daughter is a C5 incomplete and she is unable to get meals, transfer to bed or undress she depends on others for those things. She is unable to lift a cup to her mouth she has to drink through a straw.

Hi Linda,
I'm sure you already realize this but I'm going to say it anyway. . . I think YYZ is simply pointing out the difference between a para's abilities and what he's able to do as a quad. That's all, and in time I'm sure that druane's husband will be able to do more (since he's only 7 mo's. post injury).

I remember things being the MOST difficult just after the injury, but in time they get easier and easier.

[linda]

 qbounce, on Mar 26 2008, 03:21 PM, said:

 linda, on Mar 23 2008, 08:59 PM, said:

 YYZ, on Dec 25 2007, 09:05 AM, said:

I'm C5/6 quadriplegic. I need a few hours in the morning with a nurses aid, but after they leave, I'm on my own, including getting meals, getting into bed, undressing, etc.

It always amazes me to see what some of these paraplegics are getting away with. Unless he is ill, or something else is seriously wrong, he should be a lot more independent. Unbelievable!

YYZ

YYZ my daughter is a C5 incomplete and she is unable to get meals, transfer to bed or undress she depends on others for those things. She is unable to lift a cup to her mouth she has to drink through a straw.

Hi Linda,
I'm sure you already realize this but I'm going to say it anyway. . . I think YYZ is simply pointing out the difference between a para's abilities and what he's able to do as a quad. That's all, and in time I'm sure that druane's husband will be able to do more (since he's only 7 mo's. post injury).

I remember things being the MOST difficult just after the injury, but in time they get easier and easier.

Qbounce thank you for your in site,but I was merely elaborating to YYZ the differences between his ability as a c5/6 verses my daughters ability's as a c5, nothing more.

[Tired of hurting]

Has he had OT therepy yet? Sounds like he needs to learn some tricks... Don't stop living,take care of yourself. Tough love will make him rise. I'd work out the affair thing with him,and what are his intentions. No one needs a cheating,lying man,who wants to be taken care of. Do something nice everyday for yourself. I'd run a mile and change your brain chemicals. He may need something for depression,until he excepts what has happened.You can PM me if you want to talk...

[jenann]

Your husband has only been injured 7 months and boy he is gunna find it tough but your life does not have to go on hold to babysit him everyday you will be worried about him it is natural but eventually you will learn to lead your life alongside helping him out i help my boyfriend out but he doesnt expect me to stay in and do everything and for your sanity you cant. Let some time pass and find that things will settle into routine your husband will eventually become reliant upon himself also as he wont want to be dependant on you for everything you have gone through alot and on top of the worry with your son its not easy but you will find peace soon

[MistyPines]

[/quote]
I have been with my para wife for 8 years now raising five kids and running a ranch. Haveing a para spouse is not for the faint of heart, and often requires a lot of forgiveness and understanding. I wont tell you it will get easier but you will become much stronger and after a while what seemed impossible is commonplace and ordinary. If you step up to the challenge it will only make a stronger better person. I wish you and your husband the best and I feel for your situation, my current wife is also my x wife whom I remarried after she had her accident and became para so I chose to deal with where for you it was thrust upon you. Have faith and be strong and do what will make you feel good about yourself.

[Quad65]

I'm a C5-C6 quad, incomplete, for almost 43 years. At the risk of sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, even quads can do much for themselves and others. If I had full control of my hands and arms, I would be totally independent. As it is, I need help with putting on socks, boots, and pants. I need stand-by help with transfers, my BP, and showers. That said, here's what I can do:

Before retiring, I worked for 17 years outside the home and drove for 10 of those years. I transfered in and out of my van unassisted and in and out of buildings in all weathers in a manual chair. My wife works full-time and I prepare and cook 90% of the meals, set and clear the table, load and unload the dishwasher, collect and do laundry and fold the clothes, sweep the kitchen and dining-room floor, wash them most the time, paint with oils, do wood-carving, some stone carving, built my current PC, built a guitar reverb unit from a kit, and now trying to complete a novel.

Yeah, it's hard. So? It's tiring, it takes me more time and energy than an AB. But we are a partnership. She helps me and I help her by doing all that I can and taking any unnecessary burden from her.

I didn't do all this from Day One of our relationship. It's a process. But you have to start before bad habits become set. You can encourage and inspire without enabling.

He needs a plate? Get him a lap tray like I use and tell him to get it from the china cabinet. If they're up in the higher cabinets, rearrange them so they're within reach. There is a solution to every obstacle.

Tell him to get off his ass and get busy. You're not doing yourself or him a favor by coddling. If you want, I'll tell him so personally.