Courtney20, on Mar 9 2008, 04:39 AM, said:
My name is Courtney, I'll be 21 this month, and I have 2 beautiful kids. Hailey who is 4 and Aidan who is 7 months old. I was recently in a car accident on 12-29-07. I had been out all night and had no sleep, and the next morning around 10a. I decided to drive home (or try to). Needless to say I didnt make it. I was about 2miles from my apartment when I fell asleep behind the wheel.
I woke up as I started to run off the road hearing the gravel, but when I looked up all I could see was guard rail and it was too late, I hit it head on at about 55mph. I then went airborne, did a nose dive into the ground and my car then did 3-4 flips and landed on its wheels against a tree on the passenger side.I was awake and seen the whole thing as it went on. I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and I went from the driver seat to the passenger seat. I then realized I had some back pain and I couldn't feel my legs. They had to cut the top off my car to get me out and I then had to be airlifted to the major trauma center where I went through 6 hours of surgery. I was told that I had a T12 burst (explosion) fracture, and had to have a fusion. I now have a plate and screws in that place.
Also received a fractured fibula (ankle). I spent 12 days in ICU and critical care.
Something I never thought would happen to me. I went to a rehabilitation hospital for a month and then was sent home. I get more and more depressed everyday and I find myself crying multiple times a day, and am starting to get suicidal. I want to be able to do more with my kids and it kills me because I can't even lift my 7 month old son and I feel like I'm going to miss so much.
I'm embarrassed to go out in public, and I dont feel like some of my family really cares about me too much. All I want is to be normal again and I don't think I can ever accept that I will never be normal again. What do I do? How can I get through this?
Hi Courtney,
Welcome. I answered the post you made a couple of days ago, about parenting and I hope that you saw it as it addresses some of the issues you say here. If not, here is the link to your thread:
http://www.apparelyzed.com/forums/index.ph...amp;#entry54155
As I said there, I can relate to an extent, we all can. I could not lift my baby either, still can't lift anything useful,. Mine is also due to the severe dislocating my joints do. I always had injuries but they worsened tremendously over the last few years and now happen for the hell of it. I was a RN practicing in Cardiology as a Specialist Nurse.
I do think that you are going through a normal reaction to your accident and that you are naturally feeling depressed, overwhelmed and like life is over. It is very early in your injury and so you need to be easy on yourself, it takes time to discover new ways of doing things and adapting. I have my dislocations etc complicating mine, but at the level of injury you are at, you can truly expect to be independent and to be able to care for yourself and baby/child. Please do see the other thread as I and Joed posted more on this aspect.
Like I said in the other post to you, With regards to your situation, the paralysis and the future is daunting, all of us go through that feeling and you will/are too.. Like I have said on here before, I always would think about not being able to play football or climb trees together or show them the dances I used to do saddens me, yet at the same time we have such a fab relationship now - we do quality things together , I DO get on the floor and play and even though I look like a stuck worm, its fun for the kids and they see me as their mum playing with them, not a disabled person on the floor looking silly.. well maybe they see the silly bit!
I feel that my kids are my motivating forces a lot of the time in that I do all I can to make life normal, in fact we seemingly go beyond what other parents do a lot of the time because I want my children to look back and have good memories. As you sound like a great mother, I am sure that you are doing/will do this too. Much of the time this occurs without expense and getting around the problems my disability can bring. An example is in the winter months when it was too cold for us to get out I would fill the paddling Pool in the front room, using the hose pipe and they would play in the water! LOL, my hubby who works long hours would be left the mess when he came home! lol. Soooo I would invent a 'game' to empty it. Something which is hard for me to do physically as my shoulders, wirsts, everything etc dislocate on minimal trauma, heck they do it spontaneously!..., not to mention the whole being in the chair thing... This is just an example, but its something I would have done before the wheelchair, so instead of thinking I can't ..well you get the picture.. I want them to have memories NOT filled with what I couldn't do, but what we did do..
Courtney,it takes time and it will not be the same, but you have to carry on. If you can't do it for yourself then as a mother, I feel that you have two beautiful reasons to carry on right there.. I know that thinking like this can also promote feelings of guilt, about the fact that your kids need you and you feel unable to be all you should be. I also felt guilty that at times I felt really down and guilty for the fact that although I knew I had to carry on for my kids and I love them more than anything, I felt like it was all too much... What I will say is that if you are feeling suicidal then you need to speak to someone, to vent. Some people will advise medication to help you in these times, whilst others say that it is not going to help in the long run since you need to work through the grief.
The things I found were that i felt I was being punished. Sounds silly now and irrational, but I felt that as I was not only paralysed but all my joints dislocate 24/7, and the pain, fatigue and other stuff which foes with it - well I felt that I was being punished and that the kids would be better off without me. I now know that is not the case. you see when I was in rehab, my son and daughter were very young and seemed fine, but the nightmares started and now my son ( he's 5) can recall the fact I wasn't there and is clingy to me...It had an impact and I am very close with them, much closer than I thought ever possible.
Like I said, at your level you have every chance and it is the norm for people to be self caring and sufficient. To a certain extent, I am too and I have other issues ( disloc etc) so please be reassured. It seems impossible right now, but you will gain strength and living every day gain skills and find new ways. yes the chair will always be a stumbling block, but the world is becoming more accessible and again please go back and read the other thread, Joed gives some excellent advise and personal experience. I tired to do the same too. To be honest you may never be totally comfortable with your injury and how things are now, but I know that your kids will be. They see you as Mummy and kids are so accepting and nonjudgemental, in my mind it doesn't matter what the world says or thinks about me because I have two wonderful people who are my everything.
Going back to accepting the way things are, I think that most of us feel that will never occur and mostly it doesn't. However we do find ways of getting on with life and over time it becomes less hurtful thinking that people may stare when you are out in public etc. After a while, you develop more of a confidence in the way you are able to be self reliant and you begin to think that idf others are staring or have a problem, that well its their issue not you. It takes time, but it will become less of an issue as you will feel less self conscious. I find that I now make more effort even if only going to school to pick up my son! I will make sure I have nice clothes on and my hair and makeup is ok, so I confront people's stereotypes and project that I am great ( even if I don't feel it physically or emotionally at times) - this helps, me anyway..I think that the crying is normal and is actually a way of releasing the tension, sorrow and desperation...Feeling suicidal is scary though and so I would urge you to speak with someone, a dr a counsellor, a peer support group...You will get through this as you have already demonstrated your strength and the fact that you are wanting the best for your kids..the best is having you, their Mummy there with them.. Will you ever truly accept? I can not say, but I do think that you will be able to move on.
Right now you need to be less harsh on yourself. The thread you posted the other day which I linked to above - I posted some links of websites which may help you. I found that thinking about practical things around not being able to lift my baby etc was the best thing for me, made me feel less helpless and, as I found different ways around things, I felt a little less overwhelmed. With regards to your family, I do not know how they were before, so can't say what to suggest. However, my family and I (my mum etc) are close, yet I tended to push them away ( still do) and said a lot of nasty things. I suppose b/c I was close to them, I felt able to be the bitter person I think they expected...Also, they annoyed me since they seemed to treat me differently. Perhaps your family do not know how to react? Sometimes they have to come to terms with the worry and heartache they have felt during your being so ill in hospital in ICu and have to realise that you are still you. If you are not able to talk with them about it, then eventually as you progress and things become less overwhelming you will show them through the way you are living and moving on.
Please do keep on talking. Perhaps get in touch with your rehab centre and ask about community support groups, etc where people in the same situation as you can speak together. I know I shied away from such things though as ( i know silly) I didn't want to be associated with people who would be like "that" forever...I wasn't one of them....I was used to being the Nurse, the caregiver. I do think that by talking to someone, your dr perhaps, when you are feeling suicidal is the right thing to do..Its normal to feel scared, extremely at the end of your tether and totally bereft. Life isn't going the way you expected. However, things will get better for you, I am almost certain. As your main conerns are regarding your children, do try and focus the thoughts into developing new ways to do things with them, and that will also help lift your mood in the long term..That way you will not miss that much, it will be different, but you will get through it - together with the accepting resilience of your kids and your determination.
Try and give yourself time, you are so early in this that you need time to let the dust settle and have a true picture of how things will be. Remember much of parenting is about putting kids first and this is no exception. Focusing upon the positives and the fact that they need you will help get you through this initial despair and strength and skill you learn will help get you through the next part. I always tell myself that things could be so much harder/worse, and that helps me to focus. yes, I have to use a chair due to paralysis, dislocations etc, but I am still able to cuddle my children (its amazing how they learn to clamber on you!) and feel the sun on my face (well when its here!) and yes I have lost a few friends, who couldn't deal - but they were never really friends at all if they can't accept me as me. I have made others though, non and disabled, who have made a difference like no other..
I hope this helps. Do check out your previous thread too.
Take care,
K
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Posted 09 March 2008 - 04:39 AM
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