143 replies to this topic

[Trinity]

On the chocolate fireguard / chocolate teapot theme,

"You're about as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest!"

Needs no explanation but I love it (and possibly have been known to overuse it on the odd occasion!)

T x

Edited by trinity, 06 May 2008 - 10:24 PM.

[E-DOG]

nomis, on Apr 14 2008, 01:46 AM, said:

I recall being told when my efforts were not appreciated - That's about as useful as a fart in a whiskey bottle.

Just a quick and highly applicable tangent here. You all do understand why farts smell as bad as they do don't cha??
So the hearing impaired can join in the fun!
e

[Kwag_Myers]

Gulley washer (heavy rain). I don't know why, but that one always make me lol.

[Illinois Boy]

That's as useless as tits on a boar....

Don't boars already have 2 tits?

calling E-Dog

Jim

Edited by Illinois Boy, 10 May 2008 - 06:05 PM.

[E-DOG]

Illinois Boy, on May 10 2008, 11:04 AM, said:

That's as useless as tits on a boar....

Don't boars already have 2 tits?

calling E-Dog

Jim

Tits on a BULL. and a bull being male and therefore unable to bare offspring or produce milk is in no need of tits. Much like you my boy. ( being a male, not a pair of tits) You are a dude ain't ya?
And like any other porcine, boars have 8 tits cuz they have many babies. Ever had boars milk? While in the Marine Corps I was stationed in Uraguay for a short period. Had a chance to try boars milk. Very, very good. Tastes like anteater smegma. Tasty and nutritious.
Hope this helps,
E

[E-DOG]

trinity, on May 6 2008, 02:39 PM, said:

On the chocolate fireguard / chocolate teapot theme,

"You're about as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest!"

Needs no explanation but I love it (and possibly have been known to overuse it on the odd occasion!)

T x

What do you mean, no explanation??
Do you know how popular ass kicking contests were back at the turn of the century?
And a lotta guys had lost their legs during the civil war.
But if you really don't want to hear about it, well ok.
e

[Trinity]

Please, please, please tell me about ass kicking contests E-Dog.
Please!

T x

[Bobo1974]

My grandfather always said...


I'll be jiggered!! What that's suppossed to mean I have no idea.

[E-DOG]

trinity, on May 10 2008, 11:36 PM, said:

Please, please, please tell me about ass kicking contests E-Dog.
Please!

T x

I donno boo, we're talkin' some fairly sophisticated stuff here. Not too sure if you can handle it without some very strict supervision....(which I of course would be more than happy to provide)
nod nod

Well shit, let's give it a try. Just this once. But if it starts to look iffy, we're gonna have to pull the plug, shut 'er down and go back to nuking the gay whales fer Christ. Get what I'm saying? Good!

Now pay close attention, it gets kinda complicated.

Way back before radio, internet porn, and cock-fighting there wasn't a whole lot to entertain the poor working class here in the states. The rich had their wild cross gender, orgiastic, mascarade parties, the middle class of course had lawn bowling and trying to get complicated model ships into empty whiskey bottles.
But the destitute ne'er-do-wells fresh home from the civil war, many of them missing body parts and or internal organs, had nothing with which to pass the time. Books being too cost prohibitive, and t.v. still a few years away, a low cost alternative had to be found or riots would surely insue. I guess sex was an option, but, you know how tidious and unfullfilling that can be.

SO..

New sports events had to be created. Something inexpensive and rudimentery so the uneducated and rather simpleminded lower classes could have some good clean fun.
Ergo, the ass kicking contest was created. Some say it was the Earl of Sandwiches idea, but as we all know he couldn't even come up with what would best acompany a cup of soup for lunch. Let alone something as complicated as a new sport. That and he was dead long before this.

The concept was simple enough. Get all liquored up and see how many times you could tap a donkey on the nose with your big toe in the time alloted. Either foot would work, but both feet had to be hobbled together with a sticky, glue-like substance made from, you guessed it, parrot feces and mescal. Ahh, so many uses..

Of course the whole thing was timed, down to the hundredth of a second! Precision, tactics, and agility were the skills needed to master the "juego del muerte" as it was so often called.
But now you can see the need for only one thing, two legs. Those with less were considered useless and thus shunted off to the side and used as low cost training tools for dog fights and fluffers in the porn industry. Both very noble, albeit poorly paid endeavors at the time. Soon enough, champions were created, large and small fortunes made and lost. A new era was born. The now wealthy, "sportsmen" sauntered about town, hubristic and full of themselves, accompanied by slatternly female ass kicking "groupies," and the usuall riff raff created by such goings on.

Those with one leg or less were now though of as "useless." Finding it ever increasingly difficult to comand the respect needed for a healthy sense of self worth and pride. Not just a few became subject to violent mood swings and bipolarlike behavior patterns, in the end succumbing to the ravages of alcoholism and a pernicious case of syphilitic boils on the underside of the scrotum-like flap of dead skin which so often accompanies a battle field amputation. I know. I've had two or three of them.

Hope this didactic tidbit clears up some minor confussion.
It has most certainly been a cathartic experience for me.
I also appreciate the chance to be of "Googlistic service" to you Trin' and ALL the fine people who so often populate "Simons gaggle 'o gimps dot com"

Keep in mind folks, this is some rather sensitive data, not to be bantered about all willy nilly for the public at large to consume and assimilate, then regurgitate at will.

E-dog (having eaten way too much acid as a teenager)

[longhaul]

BOY HOWDY !

[Illinois Boy]

When I would get pissed off at one of my friends I would always tell them.....

The best part of you, dripped down your daddys leg.........

OK E-Dog
I think that's pretty clear........ But please feel free to enlighten the rest of the classroom....

Jim

[E-DOG]

Illinois Boy, on May 12 2008, 11:37 AM, said:

When I would get pissed off at one of my friends I would always tell them.....

The best part of you, dripped down your daddys leg.........

OK E-Dog
I think that's pretty clear........ But please feel free to enlighten the rest of the classroom....

Jim

Gee wizz Ill, you don't make it easy do ya?
Actually, the saying is "dripped down yer mamas leg"
The orthodox Calathumpians (small religious sect in lower Albania) refuse to touch skin to skin when attempting to empregnate their wives. The man masterbates into a large ash tray (the women smoke a lot of cigars) and then with a makeshift turkey baster like object sucks up said "material" and, very gently squirts it into his wife of choice (they have 6 or 8 of 'em) By law the woman must remain standing during this proceedure, though no one seems to remember why. (I did ask)
Obviously, some of the afore mentioned "love juices" are gonna seep back down and out the vaginal canal and run down her leg.
f*@king gravity!
Ergo the silly saying had it's begining.
Here's the intriging part. Which leg it drips down determins whether it will be a male or female child.
And to date, they have NEVER, EVER been wrong!

You ask, I'll answer.
WHY? Cuz it's late, I'm high, and I'm bored outa my f*@king mind.
E-dog

[Illinois Boy]

OK, E-Dog,

Where did the saying........

The acorn didn't fall far from the tree........

Come from? Take a toke, and Google away.........

I need to start a new website called askthedog.com, and we'll charge people 2 bucks a pop to have their questions answered....

Jim

[E-DOG]

Illinois Boy, on May 13 2008, 09:11 AM, said:

OK, E-Dog,

Where did the saying........

The acorn didn't fall far from the tree........

Come from? Take a toke, and Google away.........

I need to start a new website called askthedog.com, and we'll charge people 2 bucks a pop to have their questions answered....

Jim

Been to Azarbaijan? Beautiful country, small, very near Russia. Colder than shit in the winter-time.
Which is why there are so many oak trees, and as we know, the acorn is the seed from said trees.
Seed from said trees. What the f*@k is wrong with me?
More on that later.
Meantime.
A lot of folks think that saying means a persons offspring is a lot like their parents.
RIDICULOUS!
The Azarbaijanian nuclearphysisist Fred Nipplebaum (of the Kowdipopian Nipplebaums, an old and well respected family that was later falsely accused of running a cock-fighting syndicate without paying the all important "bloodsport" taxes) came up with that saying on a blustery November evening while in a cocaine induced state of euphoric apoplexy.
What he meant by it was that when the first male child of a family ravaged by overt incestual behavior grows up and becomes Mayor of the city he was born in, all trees within a 20 mile radius must be cut down and replaced with Huckleberry bushes. And as we all know, the lowly huckleberry looks very much like an acorn.
Stay with me now, this is where it gets kinda confusing.
OH SHIT, MOM'S COMING and if she smells the pot smoke she's gonna want some.
Better finish this later,
E-dog

[Trinity]

"A penny for your thoughts"

Where does this one come from? Are my thoughts only worth one penny? I personally would pay a lot more, they're quite good sometimes!

T x

[E-DOG]

trinity, on May 14 2008, 01:48 PM, said:

"A penny for your thoughts"

Where does this one come from? Are my thoughts only worth one penny? I personally would pay a lot more, they're quite good sometimes!

T x

Hey!
If you will allow me to once again wax apocryphal, I'll clue you in to the etymological where-a-bouts of said saying.
Ancient Macedonia. Around 483 b.c.
Where the penny was first used as a monetary instrument. And as a pivotal piece in a game played by all ages and classes.
8 or more people sit in a circle, another sits in the center. Turn by turn each person asks the one in the center a question. As they go around the circle the questions get more and more difficult to answer. Eventually the "blood letter" (sounds a lot more romantic in Macedonian but I can't remember the translation at the moment)gives a wrong answer and as punishment all the other players start throwing pennys at him.
Not much of a big deal till it finally dawns on you. Dang, pennys back then were made of bronze, a material much denser than the copper we use today. And they were 6 inches in diameter by about an inch and a half thick. When the game was finally over everyone got up and walked home, blood spatters all over their faces and clothing, big shit-eating grins plastered across their otherwise vacant faces. The only one left behind, a dead or now comatose blood letter, big ol' stack of pennys there by his side to cover medical or burial expenses.
Of couse the moral of the story is, are your thoughts really worth a penny?
Well, are they?
E

[Illinois Boy]

E-DOG, on May 15 2008, 01:37 AM, said:

trinity, on May 14 2008, 01:48 PM, said:

"A penny for your thoughts"

Where does this one come from? Are my thoughts only worth one penny? I personally would pay a lot more, they're quite good sometimes!

T x

Hey!
If you will allow me to once again wax apocryphal, I'll clue you in to the etymological where-a-bouts of said saying.
Ancient Macedonia. Around 483 b.c.
Where the penny was first used as a monetary instrument. And as a pivotal piece in a game played by all ages and classes.
8 or more people sit in a circle, another sits in the center. Turn by turn each person asks the one in the center a question. As they go around the circle the questions get more and more difficult to answer. Eventually the "blood letter" (sounds a lot more romantic in Macedonian but I can't remember the translation at the moment)gives a wrong answer and as punishment all the other players start throwing pennys at him.
Not much of a big deal till it finally dawns on you. Dang, pennys back then were made of bronze, a material much denser than the copper we use today. And they were 6 inches in diameter by about an inch and a half thick. When the game was finally over everyone got up and walked home, blood spatters all over their faces and clothing, big shit-eating grins plastered across their otherwise vacant faces. The only one left behind, a dead or now comatose blood letter, big ol' stack of pennys there by his side to cover medical or burial expenses.
Of couse the moral of the story is, are your thoughts really worth a penny?
Well, are they?
E

E-Dog,

You make my day.......

P.S. Give ole' mom a toke........

Jim

[E-DOG]

Illinois Boy, on May 15 2008, 09:45 AM, said:

E-DOG, on May 15 2008, 01:37 AM, said:

trinity, on May 14 2008, 01:48 PM, said:

"A penny for your thoughts"

Where does this one come from? Are my thoughts only worth one penny? I personally would pay a lot more, they're quite good sometimes!

T x

Hey!
If you will allow me to once again wax apocryphal, I'll clue you in to the etymological where-a-bouts of said saying.
Ancient Macedonia. Around 483 b.c.
Where the penny was first used as a monetary instrument. And as a pivotal piece in a game played by all ages and classes.
8 or more people sit in a circle, another sits in the center. Turn by turn each person asks the one in the center a question. As they go around the circle the questions get more and more difficult to answer. Eventually the "blood letter" (sounds a lot more romantic in Macedonian but I can't remember the translation at the moment)gives a wrong answer and as punishment all the other players start throwing pennys at him.
Not much of a big deal till it finally dawns on you. Dang, pennys back then were made of bronze, a material much denser than the copper we use today. And they were 6 inches in diameter by about an inch and a half thick. When the game was finally over everyone got up and walked home, blood spatters all over their faces and clothing, big shit-eating grins plastered across their otherwise vacant faces. The only one left behind, a dead or now comatose blood letter, big ol' stack of pennys there by his side to cover medical or burial expenses.
Of couse the moral of the story is, are your thoughts really worth a penny?
Well, are they?
E

E-Dog,

You make my day.......

P.S. Give ole' mom a toke........

Jim

You really do get a giggle out of this silly shit don't you?
Glad someone does.
By the way, the saying " makes my day" comes from the Argentine cowboys, some of whom seem to be either gay, or at least rather effeminate by nature. But we'll get into this later.
E

[carole338]

E-DOG,

When I'm in a hurry I look to see which posts you replied to and always check these out first. You do "make my day".

Carole

[Trinity]

Where does the phrase "at the drop of a hat" come from???
Trin x

[E-DOG]

carole338, on May 17 2008, 07:25 AM, said:

E-DOG,

When I'm in a hurry I look to see which posts you replied to and always check these out first. You do "make my day".

Carole

Carole,
I believe that's about the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Only on occassion do I reply to a truely serious topic. Being a rather simple lad, I haven't the perspicacity or the enlightenment to properly advise or even comment on anything of any real consequence.
But posting replies to the sillier topics is both entertaining and therapeutic for me.
Nice to know it brings a little something to others as well.

E-dog (jumping for joy and clicking his heels)

[E-DOG]

trinity, on May 17 2008, 01:28 PM, said:

Where does the phrase "at the drop of a hat" come from???
Trin x

Too easy,
In the old west when two gunfighters had a showdown, a third party, usually someones sidekick named Shorty or Cooky or something ending in a y would signal the start of the festivities by dropping his hat on the ground.
Funny thing though, the participants of such contests were very often so wound up and anxious that upon hearing the hat hit the ground, would draw their weapon, turn, and fire at the happless idiot who made the noise. Many a good sidekick came to a grisly end that way. Thereby making it harder and harder to find a good sidekick and well worth every penny he was paid.
Ain't easy finding a tobbaco chewing, sycophantic, halfwit who's willing to get shot at AND can cook up a mess o' beans 'n bisquits while still seated on his horse.
Used to be, you'ld see signs everywhere accross the west: gunslinger looking for reliable sidekick, cooking skills and bulletproof skin a plus, pay comenserate to danger encountered.
I often thought of becoming one myself but got sidetracked into thermodynamic physics instead. Funny where the roads of life lead us.
E-dog

[Illinois Boy]

E-DOG, on May 17 2008, 07:04 PM, said:

trinity, on May 17 2008, 01:28 PM, said:

Where does the phrase "at the drop of a hat" come from???
Trin x

Too easy,
In the old west when two gunfighters had a showdown, a third party, usually someones sidekick named Shorty or Cooky or something ending in a y would signal the start of the festivities by dropping his hat on the ground.
Funny thing though, the participants of such contests were very often so wound up and anxious that upon hearing the hat hit the ground, would draw their weapon, turn, and fire at the happless idiot who made the noise. Many a good sidekick came to a grisly end that way. Thereby making it harder and harder to find a good sidekick and well worth every penny he was paid.
Ain't easy finding a tobbaco chewing, sycophantic, halfwit who's willing to get shot at AND can cook up a mess o' beans 'n bisquits while still seated on his horse.
Used to be, you'ld see signs everywhere accross the west: gunslinger looking for reliable sidekick, cooking skills and bulletproof skin a plus, pay comenserate to danger encountered.
I often thought of becoming one myself but got sidetracked into thermodynamic physics instead. Funny where the roads of life lead us.
E-dog

E-Dog,

You would have been a sidekick to an indian cheif.....
Loading up and testing out the piece pipe.... Mostly testing....

Your indian name would have been caninehumpus........ or Dog Who Humps Big Buffalo........

Jim

[E-DOG]

[quote name='Illinois Boy' date='May 18 2008, 02:07 PM' post='59764']
[/quote]
[size=4]E-Dog,

You would have been a sidekick to an indian cheif.....
Loading up and testing out the piece pipe.... Mostly testing....

Your indian name would have been caninehumpus........ or Dog Who Humps Big Buffalo........

Jim[/size]

[/quote]

Young Jim,
Ya know, the North American Bison, commonly called "buffalo" are a very misunderstood animal.
Both sensitive and gentle, they make wonderful pets AND terrific surrogate lovers when the need arises. Course, the first time ya gotta kinda sneak up on 'em quiet like, (they can be rather skittish)
But if you're a good kisser and conciderate enough to send flowers the next day, they'll be yours forever.
Who would have thought?
Only me, only me.
and only after a lot of testing
E

[Trinity]

E-Dog,

Where does the phrase 'bog standard' come from?

Trinity (On her quest to make E-dog an advanced member again!)

[Illinois Boy]

trinity, on May 23 2008, 10:16 AM, said:

E-Dog,

Where does the phrase 'bog standard' come from?

Trinity (On her quest to make E-dog an advanced member again!)

OK E-Dog......

It's all British to me.........

Jim

[E-DOG]

trinity, on May 23 2008, 08:16 AM, said:

E-Dog,

Where does the phrase 'bog standard' come from?

Trinity (On her quest to make E-dog an advanced member again!)

Trinity,
You truely are one of the good ones.
And a great example of a bogstandard woman. (read on)
I had to do a little self-hypnosis on this one. Went back to one of my earlier incarnations when I was living in Scotland as a warrior with Ned Kelly. Or was it that William Wallace guy. My memory fails me at times.
Anyway, whenever we were crawling through the bogs, trying to get home from the local pub "The Bog 'N Brew," occasionally one of the lads, pissed as hell (that means drunk to you Americans out there) would get stuck in an especially soft spot and start to sink. If the guy had a really attractive wife, then, instead of trying to save him, we'd find a stick and push him down further into the mud so he couldn't get out and would eventually become one of the famous "BogMen" we keep hearing about today. Then we would spend the rest of the night scraping and clawing all over each other trying to be the first get to the guy's house to, ehem, "Pay our condolences" nudge, nudge, wink, wink, to his beautiful wife.
This may seem a bit mean or cruel today, but hey, can you imagine what most of the women looked like back then?
And since NOBODY had any brains back then, looks were important.
Ergo the term Bog Standard came about, meaning very attractive woman.
That was then. I have no idea what it means now.
E-dog (scraping and clawing his way towards advanced membership)

[carole338]

E-dog,

Any info on the saying "On my watch". My husband thinks it's a police term. I think not.

Carole

[Illinois Boy]

carole338, on May 27 2008, 12:02 PM, said:

E-dog,

Any info on the saying "On my watch". My husband thinks it's a police term. I think not.

Carole

Could be a nautical term.......... oh E-Dog.........

[E-DOG]

carole338, on May 27 2008, 10:02 AM, said:

E-dog,

Any info on the saying "On my watch". My husband thinks it's a police term. I think not.

Carole

As we all know Carole, and Ill-Boy, the best watches come from Switzerland.
Back in the 1800's when watch making was concidered a high art, there was an overabundance of flies and other insects caused by a lack of proper sanitation and plumbing design. Hell, the Swiss,
civilized as they are, didn't learn about toilet paper till Ghangis Cohen invaded in the late 1860's, bringing pack trains with massive rolls of parchment over the mountains spreading joy and hygiene to an otherwise shitty situation.
Anywhoo, as an horologist was adding the finishing touches to a beautiful hand made timepiece, occassionaly an errant fly would light upon the face of the watch. Angered by such insouciance, the watchmaker would violently flick the fly off the face, at the same time muttering "not on my watch you don't"
Come on kids, I'd of thought this was obvious!
E-dog (having left any and all semblance of sanity by the wayside long ago)