[robhardt]

Wife L1 para. and I guess I'm just a little tired. But I need to get things off my chest.
Our marriage was going down hill before She had Her accident, She is an alcoholic who was in denial. She made my life miserable for 5 years prior to the accident, with Her drinking and partying after work, and with the girls?? Several times a week.
I was just about ready to file for divorce, before this all started.
First ,She was diagnosed with diabetes type 1, (pancreas stopped functioning) , now know that it was from alcohol abuse. So I stayed, so that She would have good medical insurance. She swore she had quit drinking after release from hospital.
Then within a year She was pretty much home bound, bouts of stomach ailments and lose of balance, and sometimes incoherent speech and memory lose,but not from the diabetes, which said it was, and I so niavely believed, but again from alcohol. She would get Herself out of the house at least once a week and apparently buy Her booze. This went on for about 2 years.
Then came the day She fell down the stairs, burst fracture of L1. She fell at approx. 1pm, when She got there She had a blood alcohol level of .22 almost 3 times the legal limit at 1 in the afternoon! She was in detox for at least a week and didn't even realize what She had done to Herself.
So here I am working full time (12hr shifts/ 4days wk) and caring for Her. Thank God the kids are gone and away at college, they don't need this burden. I believe now She is over medicating Herself, because all of Her pain meds say up to 4 x day as needed. She is not helpless, yet Her laundry is never done, (She is incontinent as well), so there is a lot of it. She won't fix a meal, clear a table....it goes on and on. Sorry I'm just tired, trapped and alone. Well at least I got to write it down!

[Kevin]

This is just my personal opinion, but I would start divorce proceedings, force her into a detox center, and make successful completion of detox and staying sober after detox an absolute condition for staying married.

[Tired of hurting]

Wow That was a lot to vent. From my experience of living with an alcoholic partner is. You can lead them to water but you can't make them drink. She has chosen her path, and wants to drag you with her to see how much she can get you to do. I did everything possible to keep my partner happy.but after 29 yrs he found someone who wanted to drink with him. I'm sure you love her very much,but I'm sorry to say "You can't get her to stop drinking" It's her choice and you can't change it. Get the divorce paper going. A separation date so you won't be respondsible for her debt. I send you a big warm hug, and know your not alone...

[jon&kate]

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds like your wife is the type of alcoholic that will have to hit a veeerrrrryyy low bottom before she will stop drinking. Hopefully, her "bottom" will not kill her, but if breaking her spine didn't do it, then she may be a person who just refuses to stay alive. What she is doing is suicide actually - just slower.
You can not make her stop drinking, and you also can't force her to stay alive. YOU have a right to live as well.

Good luck- prayers are with you.

[robhardt]

jon&kate, on Apr 6 2008, 08:05 PM, said:

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds like your wife is the type of alcoholic that will have to hit a veeerrrrryyy low bottom before she will stop drinking. Hopefully, her "bottom" will not kill her, but if breaking her spine didn't do it, then she may be a person who just refuses to stay alive. What she is doing is suicide actually - just slower.
You can not make her stop drinking, and you also can't force her to stay alive. YOU have a right to live as well.

Good luck- prayers are with you.

I think You are exactly right that is what I've been thinking for the last year or so, She does exactly the opposite of what She should be doing.
Today is a prime example. She takes an enzyme for digestion, (Her pancreas has shut down completely), if She doesn't take She cannot digest food properly, or get any of the nutrients from it. So today she started complaining of stomach problems and diarreah, She's had for the last 2-3 days. I looked around and the Enzyme caps. are not there. She decided they were making Her fat so She didn't want to take them. She also knows that when She didn't have them She shrunk down to about 92lbs and nearly died.
Basically I have given up....I guess I stay because We did have over 20 years in a very good marriage, I thought.

[Lovestor]

I have to agree with some of the other posters. It really seems you NEED to issue an ultimatum. She clearly isn't getting anything wholesome out of life as it is, no need to drag you down with her if she isn't going to change or help at all. This in no way means that you stop trying to help her. In a lot of ways this proclamation would be as much about her as it is you. Remain kind and let her know that if she CAN turn things around, that you will still be there for her.

There is no way of knowing exactly what your situation is like. But that is my suggestion based on what you've vented to us.

[longhaul]

She is sick so don't take it personal, by that I mean she isn't doing what she's doing to hurt you she is doing it because she's sick. Take a long hard look at your situation if she is killing herself and all you can do is watch her do it then maybe a rehab center would be best. Good luck man

[Kev-O]

With all due respect i think its time you tell her to kiss your ass! If she wants to wast her life then thats fine but dont let her wast yours. you only get one shot at this one right

This post has been edited by Kev-O: 07 April 2008 - 03:58 AM

[qbounce]

Hi Rob! It's so ironic how the twist of my story ends compared to yours, you see. . .

I was married to my wife for 15 years, and the last 5 years were slowly getting worse and worse, until I couldn't take it anymore, either. I filed for divorce, then a month later I went to a co-workers birthday party, did a celebratory 'I'm free' back-flip in a bounce house, and ended up breaking MY neck!

She eventually moved back in to help me for the next 2 years, and we had the divorce anulled. She was off the alcohol but started stealing my pain meds for her own recreational use and got hooked on oxycodone. Then recently, we divorced for good this time.

It's amazing the twists fate plays on us all (I actually saved her life once when she fell into our swimming pool. . . good thing I came home early that day!!)

You can only blame yourself for how things turned out so long before realizing there's nothing you could've done differently!! Guilt is the silent killer in situations like this and it's time you got over it. For me, the good memories made it the hardest to leave, also. But, as others have posted here, it's time you started making some new happy memories for yourself elsewhere.

I know I am!!

[Tea and Sympathy]

Hi,

If you were going to divorce her before all this, then I would continue on that path. You have the right to live your life without someone who is so self-destructive. And if you are worried about her health insurance, you can elect to keep her on your insurance even after you are divorced for awhile if need be.

It's hard to watch someone you love, or used to love, be so self destructive and uncooperative. If she can't accept help, then maybe she truly doesn't want to stop, and that's her decision, but so are the consequences from that decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Laura

[Yong]

Wow. That's a real tough one.

I am a T6 complete but I try to refrain from drinking (still a 22 year old college student). The biggest reason for me is my father the alcoholic.

He has drank 7~10 drinks every single night ever since I can remember and for awhile before my accident, I had almost given up trying to get him to control his drinking. I've tried talking to him...writing letters to him... urging him to go find counseling...all in vain.

Then I gave him an ultimatum. Either he stops drinking or I don't consider him as a father (this is both me and my brother).

But you know what? That only got him to drink even more.

Even when my accident happened, I thought that it would be plenty to wake him up and have reality slap him in the face. I thought this was an opportunity from God for me to finally help him to sobriety. I've pleaded and pleaded with him to go to church with the rest of the family but still after a year of my accident, he still drinks as much (if not more) than he used to.

What I'm trying to say is that you really can't get your wife to quit. It seems like your wife is somewhere near where my father is. I know he loves me and I know he'd do anything for me...but his alcoholism is a disease and he can't fight it.

I've tried professional help but i realized that it's futile unless the person truly wants to be sober.

Since you mention kids, I assume that your wife is a mother. Although I don't have any kids myself, I really don't think her behavior befits that of a loving mother.

If not for your sake, you should let her know the reality for the sake of your children. Threaten her with divorce if you have to. But you and your children still have lives to live.

[E-DOG]

robhardt, on Apr 6 2008, 07:06 AM, said:

Wife L1 para. and I guess I'm just a little tired. But I need to get things off my chest.
Our marriage was going down hill before She had Her accident, She is an alcoholic who was in denial. She made my life miserable for 5 years prior to the accident, with Her drinking and partying after work, and with the girls?? Several times a week.
I was just about ready to file for divorce, before this all started.
First ,She was diagnosed with diabetes type 1, (pancreas stopped functioning) , now know that it was from alcohol abuse. So I stayed, so that She would have good medical insurance. She swore she had quit drinking after release from hospital.
Then within a year She was pretty much home bound, bouts of stomach ailments and lose of balance, and sometimes incoherent speech and memory lose,but not from the diabetes, which said it was, and I so niavely believed, but again from alcohol. She would get Herself out of the house at least once a week and apparently buy Her booze. This went on for about 2 years.
Then came the day She fell down the stairs, burst fracture of L1. She fell at approx. 1pm, when She got there She had a blood alcohol level of .22 almost 3 times the legal limit at 1 in the afternoon! She was in detox for at least a week and didn't even realize what She had done to Herself.
So here I am working full time (12hr shifts/ 4days wk) and caring for Her. Thank God the kids are gone and away at college, they don't need this burden. I believe now She is over medicating Herself, because all of Her pain meds say up to 4 x day as needed. She is not helpless, yet Her laundry is never done, (She is incontinent as well), so there is a lot of it. She won't fix a meal, clear a table....it goes on and on. Sorry I'm just tired, trapped and alone. Well at least I got to write it down!

OK, simple enough.
1. You can give her all the ultimata you want. She will not seek help till she hits a bottom that is so uncomfortable that it gives her a moment of clarity, a glimmer if you will, of how unbelievably shitty life has become. For some, it takes becoming homeless and having to fight over a piece of cardboard to sleep on. For a lucky few, all it takes is the recent inability to pay for a new battery for the Rolex. Depends on how long she's been an alchoholic. Now don't get me wrong, if confronted with an ultimatum she will more than likely enter some type of program. But she'll be doing it for the wrong reasons and it will be a complete waste of time. Eccept for a few seeds having been planted.

2. Ya got 20 good years out of the marriage. You can cut yer losses and get outa dodge. Let her fend for herself. Just say f*@kit! But here's a question. If she did put the bottle down, became the woman you once knew, would you still want to go? Meaning, is her drinking just an excuse to split from a shitty situation anyway?

Ever heard of alanon? It's AA for the family and friends of drunks. Hit one or two meetings, meet some others in your same predicament, see what they have to say.
You and the kids & whatever friends she may have left can do an intervention.
Everyone sit around and try to explain to her that her selfish, self centered behavior is destroying what was once a beautiful marriage, and driving you inf*@king sane. At this point yer gonna want to go with the ultimatum thing. Better to just show her what her progressive drinking has done to one and all. If she's clearheaded at all, maybe she'll see what's really going on. If she's still floating on a river in Egypt, and you personally are tired of wasting your time, then it's up to you to take action to save your own sanity.
the thing can be saved, but it will take time and a lot of work. On everyones part. YOU, MUST DECIDE.
one last thing, do not, i repeat, do not let anyone tell you that AA is some kind of cult, club, whatever. If in fact someone REALLY WANTS TO GET AND STAY SOBER, AA works. But it ain't for people who need it.
It's for people who want it. and they gotta want it pretty bad.
pm me if u have any pertnent questions and don't feel like looking further.
e-dog

[wheeliebear75]

If you'd come on complaining of problems with sex life or just not being able to go to a friend's house because it's a 2nd story apartment.........I'm sure we'd all be ready to chew you out. You don't deserve to be used! Unfortunately alcoholics no matter how much they hurt their family and friends just CAN'T stop. You were willing to put up with your own unhappiness just so she wouldn't be out health care.......unfortunately you can only do so much. I too have diabetes and I know that there are just things I have to do......like it or lump it. I think it's safe to assume she wasn't a very happy person before her accident and I just don't see having a spinal cord injury changing that in any way for the better. I would however explain it from top to bottom to the kids and just stick to facts as much as possible.....(no matter what she's put YOU through......she's still MOMMY to them).

Best of luck.

[doublelibra]

Hi, Rob-

I just ran across your post and read all the replies, and they are good. I was thinking all the time about the fact that alcoholism is a disease so pervasive and powerful that the entire family gets sick from it. This is no criticism of you--you sound like a wonderful man. What I've been thinking is right in line with what E-Dog said. Alanon is available in almost any location. Listings are usually in the phone book, and there are listings online as well. You deserve to be happy. They would be able to help and support you with whatever actions you feel you need to take. You don't have to go through this alone.

Best Wishes,

doublelibra

[Tired of hurting]

Kev-O, on Apr 6 2008, 10:57 PM, said:

With all due respect i think its time you tell her to kiss your ass! If she wants to wast her life then thats fine but dont let her wast yours. you only get one shot at this one right

Kev-o I love your spirit,You just say it like it is..

[robhardt]

Tired of hurting, on Apr 20 2008, 07:49 PM, said:

Kev-O, on Apr 6 2008, 10:57 PM, said:

With all due respect i think its time you tell her to kiss your ass! If she wants to wast her life then thats fine but dont let her wast yours. you only get one shot at this one right

Kev-o I love your spirit,You just say it like it is..

I want to thank all of you for your support and opinions.
I know what I should do, but I just can't leave if She has no insurance, that's not who I am, and I cannot afford the COBRA payments. ..BUT[b] Her Medicare should kick in, in about a year, I can stick it out until then. Thanks again

[Kev-O]

robhardt, on Apr 21 2008, 12:36 PM, said:

Tired of hurting, on Apr 20 2008, 07:49 PM, said:

Kev-O, on Apr 6 2008, 10:57 PM, said:

With all due respect i think its time you tell her to kiss your ass! If she wants to wast her life then thats fine but dont let her wast yours. you only get one shot at this one right

Kev-o I love your spirit,You just say it like it is..

I want to thank all of you for your support and opinions.
I know what I should do, but I just can't leave if She has no insurance, that's not who I am, and I cannot afford the COBRA payments. ..BUT[b] Her Medicare should kick in, in about a year, I can stick it out until then. Thanks again

ya cant help someone that does not want to be helped. Good luck my friend