[mstranquiltears]

I have been with my husband 8 years, at first he was very independent but with time came pressure sores and him just getting lazy I guess. Anyway of the 8 years we have been together almost 2 whole years have been with him in an air bed on a wound vac, first in 2005 and then this year.
I love my huband, I married him because I was in love with him...but I feel like I stopped being a wife long ago. He doesn't need an aid he is able to do everything for himeself except his wound care. He just doesn't do anything is the problem and life is passing us by.

Once it gets to this point is there any way to get back to feeling like wife rather than a caregiver? I mean when I try to talk to him he says I just want a divorce so I can find a man without any ED issues ( he puts it in a much more vulgar way) and yeah that is a whole other issue. I mean I honestly feel like I have become some thing not even human forget about being a woman.

[kdenon01]

hmm.. I don't know...counseling maybe?

My fiance's accident happened in Sept. 2006. And up until a couple months ago I was still doing EVERYTHING for him. I was starting to feel tired of it. So I sat him down, and talked to him about it. And he was kinda angry at first, but now I see him doing so much for himself, and you can tell it makes him happier inside.

But, if your husband isn't willing to sit down and talk about it..?
He should be more grateful for what he has. He needs someone to talk some sense into him!

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

mstranquiltears, on Apr 13 2008, 09:30 AM, said:

I have been with my husband 8 years, at first he was very independent but with time came pressure sores and him just getting lazy I guess. Anyway of the 8 years we have been together almost 2 whole years have been with him in an air bed on a wound vac, first in 2005 and then this year.
I love my huband, I married him because I was in love with him...but I feel like I stopped being a wife long ago. He doesn't need an aid he is able to do everything for himeself except his wound care. He just doesn't do anything is the problem and life is passing us by.

Once it gets to this point is there any way to get back to feeling like wife rather than a caregiver? I mean when I try to talk to him he says I just want a divorce so I can find a man without any ED issues ( he puts it in a much more vulgar way) and yeah that is a whole other issue. I mean I honestly feel like I have become some thing not even human forget about being a woman.

I agree with the first responder. I guess your guy is depressed due to being in bed all of the time. Counseling? I think he needs a good kick in the pants, or slap in the head (where hew feels) to realize how lucky he is. He is alive and has you. A lot of quads just wish they could find someone to see how truly nice and wonderful they are. Because most disabled people are.

I don’t have your issues or know your pain. Maybe getting away for a week or two will open his eyes of how important you are to him. Maybe not, but then he decided not you. I would hope he would realize how lucky he is.

It is a shame how so many disabled men and women do become so depressed. Even more disappointing when they are loved and forget how it would be if not so loved. Life is so wonderful. Just because you can't do some things, feel things others can, or make love in ways we use to, anyone can still find happiness.

This might sound a bit weak at first, but have you considered going to church? A lot of disabled people feel that God, Jesus have left the building. When I get lost, sometimes sitting in church just to reflect helps. Just a thought.

[Motor]

Mike (c4-5) & Lorena, on Apr 13 2008, 01:12 PM, said:

mstranquiltears, on Apr 13 2008, 09:30 AM, said:

I have been with my husband 8 years, at first he was very independent but with time came pressure sores and him just getting lazy I guess. Anyway of the 8 years we have been together almost 2 whole years have been with him in an air bed on a wound vac, first in 2005 and then this year.
I love my huband, I married him because I was in love with him...but I feel like I stopped being a wife long ago. He doesn't need an aid he is able to do everything for himeself except his wound care. He just doesn't do anything is the problem and life is passing us by.

Once it gets to this point is there any way to get back to feeling like wife rather than a caregiver? I mean when I try to talk to him he says I just want a divorce so I can find a man without any ED issues ( he puts it in a much more vulgar way) and yeah that is a whole other issue. I mean I honestly feel like I have become some thing not even human forget about being a woman.

I agree with the first responder. I guess your guy is depressed due to being in bed all of the time. Counseling? I think he needs a good kick in the pants, or slap in the head (where hew feels) to realize how lucky he is. He is alive and has you. A lot of quads just wish they could find someone to see how truly nice and wonderful they are. Because most disabled people are.

I don’t have your issues or know your pain. Maybe getting away for a week or two will open his eyes of how important you are to him. Maybe not, but then he decided not you. I would hope he would realize how lucky he is.

It is a shame how so many disabled men and women do become so depressed. Even more disappointing when they are loved and forget how it would be if not so loved. Life is so wonderful. Just because you can't do some things, feel things others can, or make love in ways we use to, anyone can still find happiness.

This might sound a bit weak at first, but have you considered going to church? A lot of disabled people feel that God, Jesus have left the building. When I get lost, sometimes sitting in church just to reflect helps. Just a thought.

It took tuff love from my wife to MAKE me get my act together. E-mail me or PM me and we'll share the way she did it!

Motor

[E-DOG]

mstranquiltears, on Apr 13 2008, 07:30 AM, said:

I have been with my husband 8 years, at first he was very independent but with time came pressure sores and him just getting lazy I guess. Anyway of the 8 years we have been together almost 2 whole years have been with him in an air bed on a wound vac, first in 2005 and then this year.
I love my huband, I married him because I was in love with him...but I feel like I stopped being a wife long ago. He doesn't need an aid he is able to do everything for himeself except his wound care. He just doesn't do anything is the problem and life is passing us by.

Once it gets to this point is there any way to get back to feeling like wife rather than a caregiver? I mean when I try to talk to him he says I just want a divorce so I can find a man without any ED issues ( he puts it in a much more vulgar way) and yeah that is a whole other issue. I mean I honestly feel like I have become some thing not even human forget about being a woman.

Sounds like you better pull some luggage down from the closet 'n start packin' babe.
Cause yer goin' on a GUILT TRIP.
"just want a guy who can still get it up" sounds like a defense mechanism.
Sorta stops ya right in your tracks doesn't it?
I'm not a therapist but defensive posture is easy enough to spot.
And to get defensive, ya gotta feel threatened or ?
that's right, guilty.
e-dog

[mstranquiltears]

Thanks for the Replies everyone.

[MistyPines]

mstranquiltears, on Apr 13 2008, 02:30 PM, said:

I have been with my husband 8 years, at first he was very independent but with time came pressure sores and him just getting lazy I guess. Anyway of the 8 years we have been together almost 2 whole years have been with him in an air bed on a wound vac, first in 2005 and then this year.
I love my huband, I married him because I was in love with him...but I feel like I stopped being a wife long ago. He doesn't need an aid he is able to do everything for himeself except his wound care. He just doesn't do anything is the problem and life is passing us by.

Once it gets to this point is there any way to get back to feeling like wife rather than a caregiver? I mean when I try to talk to him he says I just want a divorce so I can find a man without any ED issues ( he puts it in a much more vulgar way) and yeah that is a whole other issue. I mean I honestly feel like I have become some thing not even human forget about being a woman.

Hello, my wife was in an auto accident 8 years ago and I know very well how you feel. My wife and were married in 1992 just after I came back from Desert storm. We quickly made a baby, a beutifull girl named Kerri anne. Kerri anne died of brain cancer before her first birthday, devastating both my wife and I. My wife wasnt able to deal with it and left eventually fileing for divorce in 95. I let her know that I would be waiting when she was ready. She remmarried and had two children when she had her accident in 2000. It turned that she was also pregnant when she had the accident. Her husband left her as soon he got his 50k settlement and disappeared. Five months after the accident she called me and asked if we could see each other and I agreed. We remaried and she had Jarad who had survived the accident just fine in the womb. We have since had two more children together John and Sierra. I have cared for her and the 5 children most of them there entire lives. I have given up evrything to our children and to her because they are much more important than I am, from my view anyways. I am in noway a saint just an ordinary man with faults like anyone else. I do try my darndest to never think of myself and to always do what is right no matter how difficult it may be. I guess that is why for me it so difficult when my wife pisses and moans that I am not doing enough or that I would rather be with someone else etc. I have given up everything to serve those who need me to serve them and have worked myself through a heart attack from lack of sleep and rest. I understand completely how it feels when you put out inhuman amounts of effort for someone and they rebuke you for it. I dont know if I have any good answers for you but I can say that when you put others needs ahead of your own you forget about your own problems. I can also say that even as spouses we really cannot put ourselves in there shoes, we very well may not behave any better than they, were situations reversed. In the end I think the important thing is understanding and forgiveness. For me I meant the words for better or for worse and I will uphold my vow no matter what. I don't know if this helpfull or not but I tried anyway.