[queenekua23]

Hello, My name is Bianca. I recently moved from Memphis, TN to Milwaukee, WI. Since being in Milwaukee I have been introduced to my sister's best friend who is paralyzed from the waste down. We talked for about one week and then decided to go into a relationship together. We fell in love with each other really quick. He is 33 and I am 27. I believe that we both have had enough experience to knwo what we want in a mate and what love is. In the beginning he prepared me for the physical aspect of his life. Telling me that if I could get past him going to the bathroom on himself that we could get past anything. Well I did. I helped him when he did by changing sheets, taking out the trash with the dirty diapers and cleaning so he would have a clean smelling house to live in. I am happy with him.

He has been paralyzed for 5 yrs, been living alone for the past year and has not been in a relationship since he has been paralyzed. His last girlfriend left him after he was paralyzed. He states that he loves me because I make him feel normal. I truly love him, but he did not prepare me for the mental aspect of his life. He has days on top of days where he wants to be alone and now says that I suffocate him and that he wants to be alone. He basically broke up with me just last night because he says that I want to be "under" him all of the time. Which is not true - I work 60 hour weeks and have a side business that I attend to part time. He eventually came out and said that if he walks again that he will be with me but until then he wants to be alone.

I know that he is depressed or has bouts of depression. I have done some research and in paraplegics pain is associated with depression. He said that for five years he has been in constant pain and asked me last night that if he saw a psychiatrist would the meds help with his pain. I told him that I did not know but there is only one way to find out. I love this man dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. No I do not feel sorry for him because its due to some bad decisions that he made in his life the reason he has been paralyzed. But I can not just leave him and I knwo that he needs someone, even though he says that he wants to be alone. I want to give him his space but I feel that there is something that I may be able to do to help him.

He told me that he was not depressed, but from that single question "Do you think if I saw a psychiatrist it may help my pain?" Tells me that he wants help but may have too much pride to actually seek. Help me someone... How do I help the man that I love realize that his life does not have to be lonely?

[nomis]

Hi Bianca
Welcome. Relationships are too complex to deal with sensibly here but I'll throw at few reactions I had while eading your post.

Firstly, I thought this is not so much about a spinal injury as some other issue this guy would have whether he was SCI or not.

Having said that, if there is an issue with depression it would be fair to consider that after five years of a relationship he is coming up against the realities of the limits SCI have put on him - sexual and freedom realisations plus that ongoing tiresome physical pain you mentioned. Emotional and physical pain have a tendency to blend into the same unhappy thing.

Unless he considers himself seriously ill, I wouldn't think a psychiatrist was a good option. At the risk of upsetting the masters of mental health, psychiatrists are medical people who look for illness that they then treat.

Your guy sounds to me as though he is having difficulty dealing with his current situation which is part of normal life for all of us at different times in our lives. He may benefit from clarifying just what that situation is, what his issues are and exploring ways of working through or around them. Psychotherapy may be a good option, if he was interested, using a counselor or clinical psychologist.

[doublelibra]

I agree with the previous reply. A counselor would be a good idea to start with if he is willing to go. Individual counseling and maybe couples counseling could help. Mental health practitioners (I am one) are good at knowing when to suggest psychiatric referrals. There are also specialty pain clinics that might help.

On the commonsense side, maybe you could ask him for SPECIFIC examples of what he wants you to do or not do, and try to accomodate him. Sometimes we engage in too much speculation and mindreading when a very concrete discussion is better. Hope this helps.

Doublelibra

[qbounce]

Maybe he really doesn't want to get you tied up in his problems, hence letting you go.

Of course there could be a muriad of other reasons for the break-up, the least of which is what he's probably telling you. . . either way, it's best to give him space and allow him the options of figuring things out on his own (whether it be through therapy as previously posted or just on his own path in general).

All you can really do is put yourself out there to let him know you're available whenever.

I hope giving him some space works out.

[Tired of hurting]

If your boy friend has been in constant pain for years a Pain Clinic would be the first place I'd mention. I have been in constant pain for 3 1/2 years. It wears on a person. You just don't wake up in the morning and want to Hi isn't it a great day. I would always try to keep a smile on my face, But under nith "I was saying another f8cking day in pain,will it ever end" Well girl friend I just got a Baclofen pump implanted. Now I wake up and say thank you God and please help me heal. I wish the best for both of you...

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

queenekua23, on Apr 15 2008, 05:26 PM, said:

Hello, My name is Bianca. I recently moved from Memphis, TN to Milwaukee, WI. Since being in Milwaukee I have been introduced to my sister's best friend who is paralyzed from the waste down. We talked for about one week and then decided to go into a relationship together. We fell in love with each other really quick. He is 33 and I am 27. I believe that we both have had enough experience to knwo what we want in a mate and what love is. In the beginning he prepared me for the physical aspect of his life. Telling me that if I could get past him going to the bathroom on himself that we could get past anything. Well I did. I helped him when he did by changing sheets, taking out the trash with the dirty diapers and cleaning so he would have a clean smelling house to live in. I am happy with him.

He has been paralyzed for 5 yrs, been living alone for the past year and has not been in a relationship since he has been paralyzed. His last girlfriend left him after he was paralyzed. He states that he loves me because I make him feel normal. I truly love him, but he did not prepare me for the mental aspect of his life. He has days on top of days where he wants to be alone and now says that I suffocate him and that he wants to be alone. He basically broke up with me just last night because he says that I want to be "under" him all of the time. Which is not true - I work 60 hour weeks and have a side business that I attend to part time. He eventually came out and said that if he walks again that he will be with me but until then he wants to be alone.

I know that he is depressed or has bouts of depression. I have done some research and in paraplegics pain is associated with depression. He said that for five years he has been in constant pain and asked me last night that if he saw a psychiatrist would the meds help with his pain. I told him that I did not know but there is only one way to find out. I love this man dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. No I do not feel sorry for him because its due to some bad decisions that he made in his life the reason he has been paralyzed. But I can not just leave him and I knwo that he needs someone, even though he says that he wants to be alone. I want to give him his space but I feel that there is something that I may be able to do to help him.

He told me that he was not depressed, but from that single question "Do you think if I saw a psychiatrist it may help my pain?" Tells me that he wants help but may have too much pride to actually seek. Help me someone... How do I help the man that I love realize that his life does not have to be lonely?

He seems like a lucky man. Some disabled individuals can not get over the thought of not doing this or that, not walking, etc. I am assuming he knows you love him? Does he get out of the house? Baseball games? Does he know other disabled men? My husband met a guy early on who was a Quad and he had done a lot while being paralyzed. A job, home, kids, etc. It inspired him to go for his dreams. Some disabled people just can not wait. To tell someone oiit might take 15-20 years to get to their dreams sounds like an eternity. But he has you already at 5. Mike was 12 years post, so your man is doing great.

It is not easy. Maybe you can check out our website and let him notice. Maybe, he will spark an interest in seeing us and how Mike and others made it. Life won't go back to the "norm". But it could be a lot better if he enjoyed what he has. Sulking just never cured nobody.

take care