14 replies to this topic

[ParaGF]

Hi there, It's me again. So sorry to be a drama queen and a drag but I feel so lost and confused. It feels like my head is going to explode and like my heart is going to break in 2.

I have a para boyfriend and I feel like I am going crazy! We were together for a while before his accident but broke up about 3 month before it happened. I got back together with him about 6 months afterwards and moved in with him. It has been almost 2 years after the accident and he still won't accept what happened. He won't go anywhere with me, he won't learn to drive again or get a job or find ways to be intimate with me - nothing! He won't even go to a shop with me. I feel so alone. I love him but want to leave now coz I just can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm 23 going on 50 coz I just stay home with him and do everything! I need to live and have fun. I was just wondering about the guilt - does it ever go away? He only has 2 friends left and his family don't seem to care. I worry about what will happen to him? He is a great guy, it is just too much for me to handle...

Any advise?

Melissa

Sorry about sounding so horrible and mean. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have spoken and he told me he can't offer me anything and will not do any of what I mentioned above. I feel so lost and like a terrible person for feeling like this...

[mad]

ParaGF, on Apr 25 2008, 07:30 AM, said:

Hi there, It's me again. So sorry to be a drama queen and a drag but I feel so lost and confused. It feels like my head is going to explode and like my heart is going to break in 2.

I have a para boyfriend and I feel like I am going crazy! We were together for a while before his accident but broke up about 3 month before it happened. I got back together with him about 6 months afterwards and moved in with him. It has been almost 2 years after the accident and he still won't accept what happened. He won't go anywhere with me, he won't learn to drive again or get a job or find ways to be intimate with me - nothing! He won't even go to a shop with me. I feel so alone. I love him but want to leave now coz I just can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm 23 going on 50 coz I just stay home with him and do everything! I need to live and have fun. I was just wondering about the guilt - does it ever go away? He only has 2 friends left and his family don't seem to care. I worry about what will happen to him? He is a great guy, it is just too much for me to handle...

Any advise?

Melissa

Sorry about sounding so horrible and mean. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have spoken and he told me he can't offer me anything and will not do any of what I mentioned above. I feel so lost and like a terrible person for feeling like this...

Yea call me..

[qbounce]

Guilt, sure you'll feel it for awhile. But, what are you supposed to do. . . cater to him the rest of your life?

Sounds like your guy has some inner growth issues that he needs to address, and nothing you can do will change that...

Move on, and don't look back, I say!

[getting tired's other half]

Mellisa,
I suggest you visit my wife’s recent post…”just need to talk “…from “getting tired”. You’ll see that she suffered through almost 5 years of my selfish acceptance of her “spoiling”… basically enabling me to become a dependent jerk. You will find that things changed after she reached her wit’s end, and exploded. It was an awakening for me and we started a dialog that was long overdue and rewarding. We have come to do understandings that have liberated us both. Please read in hopes that it might help.
Jack

[GettingTired2]

Hi Melissa,
It feels really weird for me to try and offer any advice to you, when I've had major issues to deal with myself, but I have to say that COMMUNICATION is the key. And if you have to scream to get his attention, DO IT! If your relationship is important enough to fight for, do whatever it takes to get his attention, and make him LISTEN. He needs to hear you with his heart, not just his ears.
I don't know what guilt you're talking about, but if you're referring to the guilt that you and/or I would feel because we want time away, or because we feel tired, or because we feel like we're not doing enough, no....it doesn't go away...it never has...and I doubt for myself that it ever will. Not at this point, and it's been five years since Jack's accident. I don't know if that's ever going to change. I hope it does, but I don't expect it to.
If you ever want to talk, I do have yahoo messenger...and I'd be happy to give you my cell number. Just know that you're not alone in how you feel.
Take care,
Tammy

[nomis]

I reckon you're in a justifiable situation to be confused...but I expect you're working through that. (I can't help but notice your first sentence includes the words 'queen' and 'drag' which even gets me confused)

I go along with the suggestions above to explore your communications but if you come to a point where he wants one thing out of life and you want another then it's probably doing neither of you any good to hang around. If you decide there is no future then he can still be a friend - you say he is a great guy. I don't see how guilt needs to play any role

[qbounce]

Nomis. . . . you are hil-ari-ous.....
queen
drama


Sorry, but even the more serious subjects need a little lightening.

[YYZ]

Sounds like you've answered your own questions. Now it is just a matter of taking action. He doesn't sound like a "great guy" to me. Or maybe you just feel that he has the potential to be a great guy?

Move on. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

YYZ

[ParaGF]

Hello again everyone,

I just wanted to thank all of you for your endless support and encouragement.

My bf and I broke up on Friday. It has been very hard but I think it is for the best for now. I miss him tremendously and he misses me too - he keeps phoning and wanting to try again but I just can't do that just yet - I need to figure things out for myself and concentrate on living life again. I love him and know that if we are meant to be that we will be.

Thank you again and I wish you all well :-)

Melissa

[stecurtis331]

ParaGF, on Apr 25 2008, 08:30 AM, said:

Hi there, It's me again. So sorry to be a drama queen and a drag but I feel so lost and confused. It feels like my head is going to explode and like my heart is going to break in 2.

I have a para boyfriend and I feel like I am going crazy! We were together for a while before his accident but broke up about 3 month before it happened. I got back together with him about 6 months afterwards and moved in with him. It has been almost 2 years after the accident and he still won't accept what happened. He won't go anywhere with me, he won't learn to drive again or get a job or find ways to be intimate with me - nothing! He won't even go to a shop with me. I feel so alone. I love him but want to leave now coz I just can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm 23 going on 50 coz I just stay home with him and do everything! I need to live and have fun. I was just wondering about the guilt - does it ever go away? He only has 2 friends left and his family don't seem to care. I worry about what will happen to him? He is a great guy, it is just too much for me to handle...

Any advise?


Sorry about sounding so horrible and mean. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have spoken and he told me he can't offer me anything and will not do any of what I mentioned above. I feel so lost and like a terrible person for feeling like this...

Melissa


hi melissa,im new to this
my husband is an incomplete paraplegic,suffering with denial (this isnt happening to me)(i really can walk,im gonna get better).we as partners have to be supportive though firm,having been a carer for the elderly for the past 5 years,if you start doing everything for them the more they will expect and will let you carry on doing it,even though they maybe able to do it themselves,i do alot for my husband and somedays(only somedays)feel bitter and angry and dying to say do it yourself even though i know he cant,i still promote his independance and still get him to do things himself.we have 3 children and hes only been like this 1 year we have no family support from either side just me and him,i dont know if the guilt goes away o whether you just adapt,you have to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling and what your fears are! it might help

[melash]

Dear Mellisa,
Hi there my husband is paralized also but when he first got into his accident he hated everything about it.Especially me for signing papers to keep him alive.I figured he is alive not braindead,has 3 small children,still has use of his arms.The worst is he cant walk!But apparently that was not enough.So we argued alot about anything and everything.I put up with it for a few monthes then I figured I can't make him happy why even try.So I left him.Couldn't deal with him anymore.It wasn't till I was gone he realized how much he did wrong.He saw a counciller worked out them issues and realized it could have been alot worse!So my advice is to do what you have done!Let him go and when he grows up and realizes this affected you too.Maybe you two will have a happy ending like us!
Sencerly,
Mel
P.S.I made sure hubby knew I would never have done this for anybody but him!Good luck to you!
I wish you happiness and health

[mad]

melash, on May 8 2008, 03:17 AM, said:

Dear Mellisa,
Hi there my husband is paralized also but when he first got into his accident he hated everything about it.Especially me for signing papers to keep him alive.I figured he is alive not braindead,has 3 small children,still has use of his arms.The worst is he cant walk!But apparently that was not enough.So we argued alot about anything and everything.I put up with it for a few monthes then I figured I can't make him happy why even try.So I left him.Couldn't deal with him anymore.It wasn't till I was gone he realized how much he did wrong.He saw a counciller worked out them issues and realized it could have been alot worse!So my advice is to do what you have done!Let him go and when he grows up and realizes this affected you too.Maybe you two will have a happy ending like us!
Sencerly,
Mel
P.S.I made sure hubby knew I would never have done this for anybody but him!Good luck to you!
I wish you happiness and health

melash, your wrong for ;leaving him. i would have never spoke to you ever..

[melash]

that is your opinion!glad u r NOT my husband 4 sure!I was just as wrong to leave him alone!as he was when he left me alone with 3 small kids,so he could go drinking and driving,then paralize himself!Don't be so quick to judge!!!!!!!!!!
did u ever hear the saying"if you let him go and he doesnt come back it was never meant to be!but if he comes back it's true love?"
So MAD, go ahead and judge me I dont care!!!!!

[mad]

melash, on May 9 2008, 02:01 PM, said:

that is your opinion!glad u r NOT my husband 4 sure!I was just as wrong to leave him alone!as he was when he left me alone with 3 small kids,so he could go drinking and driving,then paralize himself!Don't be so quick to judge!!!!!!!!!!
did u ever hear the saying"if you let him go and he doesnt come back it was never meant to be!but if he comes back it's true love?"
So MAD, go ahead and judge me I dont care!!!!!

Baby Im glad im not your hubby,ha ha.. Seriously though he was wrong for leaving you w/ 3 small kids and drinking.. Im sure you were aware of this before you jump the broom..

Im not judging you. I wouldnt if i was god either..

yep you love something let it go. if they come back and if not let it go..

I feel your anger though..

[Quad65]

I don't advise bailing out on someone for no good reason. On the other hand, sometimes you just have to get their attention. My wife and I have been married almost 30 years. It's been a struggle at times and we have to constantly work at it. We've even almost split up once or twice. But, we're truly committed to each other and we make it work. There's give-and-take on both sides.

SCI or AB, no one in a relationship has the right to use or abuse or dump everything on their partner. If the relationship is toxic, then perhaps the best thing is to remove yourself from it either temporarily or permanently. You don't have to be someone's emotional dump or whipping boy.