[mello dan]

I recently discovered this forum and it's great to read some of the posts and feel I'm not so alone with my disability and problems. My sci happend 7.5 years ago (I was 20 years old at the time) and I don't think I'm ever going to come to terms with or accept my disability. I'm currently in graduate school for social work but the more time passes and the closer I get to being done with school, the more lost I am feeling. I constantly compare myself and my lifestyle to my able body classmates. It really depresses me and I find myself getting jealous often of how open and unlimited to any possibility their lives are. Because of my level of injury I am quite dependent on other people. The more I think about all the things I can't do because of my injury, the worse I feel. I just feel so trapped and the options for my future seem so very limited. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and things just seem so overwhelming and difficult. I want a normal life but that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I tend to think of myself pre-injury and it saddens me to remember what I lost (physical ability, independence). I'm constantly on guard and rarely comfortable but feel like I spend all my energy trying to make myself seem as normal as possible and hide who I am. I feel like I have acquaintences but no true friends since I've been hurt. I also feel like an outsider and just want to be looked at by others as just another person, not that guy in a wheelchair. I'd love to have a girlfriend but I'm scared to share the complexities (and inconveniences) of my life with someone else and burden them with that. I live at a really great apartment complex that is set up for people in wheelchairs (www.creative-living.com) but feel trapped and stuck because I am so reliant on the staff here. After I finish school I would really love to move to the south and get a place of my own but I don't see how that would be possible considering how much I need an attendant to do so many things for me.

Sorry for the rambling but I would really appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, or personal stories you guys might be willing to share!

[doublelibra]

Hi, Dan-

Welcome! I can understand what you're saying, because I had similar thoughts for a long time. I still feel negative once in a while. It's really hard to tell what is self-pity and what is grief. I had a wise friend who was an amputee tell me to give myself ten minutes to cry, rage, grieve, etc., and then get into some kind of action. She suggested I focus on other people, and ask how they were. I went to counselors off and on when I felt really depressed, and took antidepressants a couple of times for several months. This is a huge adjustment to make, especially when you need a lot of help doing things. You don't have to hide who you are. You ARE a normal person who happens to have a very inconvenient life. You have a career ahead of you where you can contribute to the world! I went back to school a few years ago and got my M.S. in Counseling. My classmates and professors accepted me, and were helpful only if and when I needed it, because I was frank about the fact that I hate to ask for help. People respect me, and I don't let them feel sorry for me.

Incidentally, lots of men in wheelchairs find love. Let the woman be the judge of whether or not to participate in your life! You can PM me if you want to. Also, stick around this forum, because there are a lot of people with very positive attitudes here!

Respectfully,

Doublelibra

This post has been edited by doublelibra: 02 May 2008 - 11:44 AM

[Quad65]

Doublelibra makes some excellent points. Dr. Phil may be a tool in some ways, but he makes a good point when he says, "If you knew how seldom people think about you, you wouldn't worry about it so much."

I was 17 when I was injured. I dreaded going out in public with my younger brother and his friends. When we went to an A & W for burgers and root-beer, I thought everyone was staring at me because of the clumsy way I held my burger. Or that I was some sort of freak when we went shopping downtown. Or any other public place. Before my accident, I was very outgoing. I had a garage band together and played lead guitar and sang. My brother was the drummer. We played parties and some school dances. I loved being on stage and loved the attention. Now I hated it.

Then one day it struck me: I was letting complete strangers, who I would likely never see again, control what I would do and how I would feel. I said, "EFF this. I'm going to do what I want to do, where I want to do it. If they don't like it, they can kiss my royal a$$."

It was a liberating moment. Make no mistake, I don't go around with a chip on my shoulder, I'm not confrontational, boisterous or disruptive in public, don't draw undue attention to myself, nor am I a loud-mouth. I just don't let people's attitudes, perceived or real, or opinions control what I do or where I go. Like anyone else, I want to be well-liked, respected, accepted, loved, included, etc., but I don't give over my personal power in order the achieve that. I don't worry about other people's opinions. I don't care if people stare at me, make ignorant judgments or statements. It's their problem and it's a commentary on them, not me. The only people I want to please and make happy are my wife and me. That's my only responsibility.

Take your personal power and work at what makes you happy, what gives you joy and satisfaction.

I really miss my old life, too. I miss picking up my guitar, plugging in and playing. I loved the feeling of the strings under my fingertips. I miss walking on wet grass barefoot in the summer. Running through the hot sand at the beach and diving into the cool water. Rock climbing along the St. Croix River. Standing over the toilet and whipping it out to pee. Yeah, the old life was fun. But it's gone. Miss it. Mourn it. Think about it. Remember it. You have a new life now. Be creative and carve it and shape it the way you want it to be. Yes, you have limitations and difficulties. You also have a brain and an imagination. They will be your best tools from here on out. Learn to use them well.

I keep an old saying in mind when I feel overwhelmed with everything thrown at me:

"When eating an elephant, do it one bite at a time."

[Tired of hurting]

mello dan, on May 1 2008, 08:06 PM, said:

I recently discovered this forum and it's great to read some of the posts and feel I'm not so alone with my disability and problems. My sci happend 7.5 years ago (I was 20 years old at the time) and I don't think I'm ever going to come to terms with or accept my disability. I'm currently in graduate school for social work but the more time passes and the closer I get to being done with school, the more lost I am feeling. I constantly compare myself and my lifestyle to my able body classmates. It really depresses me and I find myself getting jealous often of how open and unlimited to any possibility their lives are. Because of my level of injury I am quite dependent on other people. The more I think about all the things I can't do because of my injury, the worse I feel. I just feel so trapped and the options for my future seem so very limited. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and things just seem so overwhelming and difficult. I want a normal life but that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I tend to think of myself pre-injury and it saddens me to remember what I lost (physical ability, independence). I'm constantly on guard and rarely comfortable but feel like I spend all my energy trying to make myself seem as normal as possible and hide who I am. I feel like I have acquaintences but no true friends since I've been hurt. I also feel like an outsider and just want to be looked at by others as just another person, not that guy in a wheelchair. I'd love to have a girlfriend but I'm scared to share the complexities (and inconveniences) of my life with someone else and burden them with that. I live at a really great apartment complex that is set up for people in wheelchairs (www.creative-living.com) but feel trapped and stuck because I am so reliant on the staff here. After I finish school I would really love to move to the south and get a place of my own but I don't see how that would be possible considering how much I need an attendant to do so many things for me.

Sorry for the rambling but I would really appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, or personal stories you guys might be willing to share!

It's great you want to move on after finishing school. You can't go back to the past...It's over your on a new path now. You can't change anything. Look forward,decide what are you going to do with what you have. Sounds like your a smart guy. You can research places like the one your in,and find the same help wherever you end up. You've got the ball, so take it and stroll on the new path. Who knows who you'll meet? When you meet the right person they will love you for who you are!

[qbounce]

Maybe antidepressants wouldn't be out of the question?

I'm actually in a much different situation than you in that I don't see myself as disabled. It's wierd, but as much as I'm incapeable of doing, I still find myself AMAZED at what I can STILL do! Day in and day out I live my life in a new found light. . . one that doesn't take things for granted, one that knows I'm different and not able to do as much as before, but those limits have already been recognized.

Now, what am I left with? Other limitless possibilities, because I really don't know what I can do until I try. OK, so a possitive outlook may help me get there, too. I heard Walmart has a Price Drop Sale on those this weekend!

Good luck to you . . .

[Avocado Baby]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome!

[knowthill]

This is a good place to vent those types of emotions. There isn't much I can do but thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Luckily I have found out times like these help me realize how easily life changes. I have learned how to remember the things in life I have helped and need the small bit of communication and correspondence.

Just fake it until you make it and come back to familiar places to heal.

[dom]

hi there, i can really empathise with you and how you're feeling,try not to dwell on the negative,i know it's easy wallow in rage and nit-picking but it only ends up hurting yourself,welcome to the boards and dive in!

[Trinity]

Hi Dan,

I think it's natural to compare yourself with other people, everyone does it SCI or not, if you're fat you're jealous of the slim, if you're short you want to be tall etc. It just so happen that you've got a chair.

Don't get bogged down in the past, you can't change anything about it but don't be afraid of the future either. You're in school getting yourself a career, thats an acheivement in it's self despite the disability.

I don't think anyone here has a 'normal' life, define normal anyway! You can have a girlfriend but not if you waste time and energy hiding who you really are, a girl will love you for being you and not the person that you think you should be.

Take care

Trinity X

[E-DOG]

Tell ya what there Pal,
Ya came to the right place.
Here at Uncle Simons House 'O Gimps, you'll get a heapin' helpin' o' golden brown goodness fer the head 'n heart. Fear not m'boy, yer in good hands with a gaggle 'o gimps in the same boat as you.
Sucks bein' a "crip" don't it? Ah well, f*@k-it.
Suck up the pain, turn the fear to cheer an' move on. Ya got better shit to do than lament on how great things USED to be.
Think about how cool things are GONNA be. You got a new carreer ahead of you. Helping those less fortunate than you find their place in life. A rewarding way to give back to society and be of use to mankind.
If you continue to fixate on the past and what you had, what could have been, what was but ain't no mo', yer gonna drive yerself nutz! f*@k what the future has to offer your a/b classmates. They're a bunch of day-walkin' shitters anyway, so who cares about them?
Keep on comparing yourself to others, you'll be chewing on the wrong end of a .45 in no time. Someone's spent too much on yer college education to let that happen.
So you're always gonna need a care-giver.
Hey, you're creating employment, job security for a fellow human being. What could be more noble?
So life's tough as a quad.
Yo, dude, shit's tough all over! I turn 50 an' all of a sudden I can't walk any more. How ya think I feel? I really didn't expect to have to live out the rest of my life in a wheelchair ya know. But f*@kit. Life goes on.
Don't ever give 'em the satisfaction of thinkin' you've been beat! Cuz ya haven't! Not yet anyway.
Now buck-up, get with the program. Straighten up 'n fly right. Get out there an' set the world on fire.
If you don't do it, who the hell will?
E-dog (aka Dr. tough-love)