13 replies to this topic

[gustifer]

If you have something to live for, then you live for it. No matter the pains, stresses, or limits you’re brought to, when there is the will to live for something other than yourself, then all that you endure is worth it. So what happens when you feel like you have run out of the will to fight and the things that you need or want to live for? When the pains, stresses, and limits you’re brought to become greater then fight inside to stay alive? Inside I’ve become numb, my mind never quiets yet my voice can’t ever speak, the pains just continue to grow stronger adding more stress to an already stressful situation, and so here I find myself brought to my limits. I’ve tried hard to stay strong for as long as I could because it felt best when I saw how I’d inspire others in so many ways over the years, but that all seems to dwindle away in the ever amounts of growing pains I feel both physically and emotionally. I’ve been praying and hoping for a sign, help, stronger will, guidance, or something that would inspire me to want to wake up everyday rather than cry because I awoke to take on another days routine, and the pain the comes along with it.

Over time I’ve been told to and have had to make changes to daily living habits, and such, to try and make any pains and stresses go away or easier to deal with. Over time I’ve found for every change comes another change and a new pain. Sometimes one pain goes away and just when all things seem to be fine, a new but different one will take its place. Over time the pains seem to have just grown deeper and stronger until now, where they have brought to me to here. I felt this was to be my destiny, eventually, in this way since I was a child. Why or even how could a child think in such ways? I don’t know. I can only say now that it was because of what was one day, going to be. I felt for as long as I could remember that I was here to experience pain in its many ways until one day it would bring me to my knees. It scares the hell out of me cause every time I have bad pains and hard days it'll take me back to those moments when I was young, on my knees, crying and praying to just take me then.

The pain is in my neck and shoulders, has been oncoming through daily use over the years, been enhanced since my spinal surgery, and is getting worse as the days go by. I’ve tried massages and therapy but the everyday use overcomes and undo’s any and all relief the therapies give. Not to mention it’s costly and time consuming when already my time in a day is short just due to the extra time it takes in daily living activities. The random but daily burning, throbbing, deep, electric like shocking pain in my right hand that has been there since the accident and there is no amount of drugs kill the pain without practically putting me in a conscious coma. The constant ache, pressure, and tenseness I get in my lower abdomen that slowly builds until my legs, stomach, and back break out in violent spasms. The constant dysreflexia, which causes chills, headaches, and this really uncomfortable feeling throughout my body that I can’t even begin to describe, only seems to grow more intense and more constant with every day that goes by. That’s all just SOME of the daily physical pains.

The stresses come from everywhere including the pain. The stresses of struggling through daily activities, constant doctor visits where most end up in a complete waste of time, pills to take routinely, dealing with insurances to get the simplest of what I need or to repair things I depend on for daily life, and the stress it puts on others I live with and/or depend on to take care of me. Living with others is hard especially with the fact that my body can’t regulate body temperature and so if I get just slightly cold, I freeze and the colder I get the closer to hypothermia I get. Every winter, even in Florida, I’m bundled up in blankets and sweaters in front of a heater all the time. In the summer in order for everyone else to be comfortable, the air conditioning has to be blasting which freezes me out to going out in the 100 degree weather to warm up. If I get too hot, I push getting heatstroke real easily because my body doesn’t sweat. In order for me to be comfortable all the time I have to be alone where I can regulate my own temperature, but I have no means of being on my own. I’m tired of being cold all the time.

The emotions are all over everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Everything has added up to combat with my emotions with all that I have seen, done, and been through. The memories, love, pain, good times and bad, stresses, challenges, accomplishments, everything in my life spins like a spiraling hurricane deep in mind and has just brought me to my knees. And it’s all locked in so tightly that I can’t get it out. I try not to complain as I know things could be worse and I can’t ever get out what hurts the most. I try to be strong and hold in any signs of weakness especially when others come to me with questions, curiousness or to tell me how much I inspire them. Where’s the inspiration? What have I ever done? You tell me things and show me things I’ve done but everything was nothing. It was something, but I mean, it was nothing for me to do or give or whatever. So what? Who am I? I inspire you and I’m in pain! I just don’t get it. My emotions are going so out of control that now I’ve become numb and has given me that overwhelming feeling of just being so tired that I just want to sleep. So, so tired, I could just sleep forever.

Don't get me wrong because it feels good when I inspire someone or help them in any way that I can. I love going out to make awareness when I can to help others in my situation cause I've learned and know so much through the years about what you need to do to keep healthy, what's available for almost anyone in any situation, the fight you have to put up with to get what you need in dealing with doctors, private insurances, state Medicaid’s and Medicare and to show that when there's a will, there's a way. It's a 24 hour job living like this in the world we've created and there are so many I have met over time that had no clue what they were doing cause they were in a place where no one knew anything or could show them what they needed to know. I've been blessed with some of the best doctors, rehab hospitals, and SCI specialists in the country and I've learned so much already. It's good to pass that information on to anyone I meet and I try to keep my head high so that what I can help others with will be accepted in a positive manner.

Now I know there are so many who endure and suffer from far greater pains as well and many times I thought of how weak it would be of me to think that the pain I endure is more than what others have and have had to deal with. How could I even think of choosing to take my own way out of this life, rather than have to wait, for however long, for life to release me instead? I think now that it is all in ones perspective, in ones own situation, their life as it is, and in destiny itself (however you want to define it or look at it) that is the way life comes and goes. Sometimes we choose, sometimes we choose for others, sometimes we have no choice at all, but no matter what, in the end, it is what it is. Who’s to say that the pain I feel is any less then that of others whom seem to be in far greater pain? In their mind and reality it could feel just as great or even less painful an ordeal then what I feel. You are who you are, you do what you can while you can, you deal with what you can, and life chooses the rest.

There are so many I love, so many I miss, so many I wish I could be with, talk to, and hear from just one more time. I believe life does have a plan and there will be more then just one more time, but that might take some time. In fact, I believe that time will come sooner than expected. Maybe even in just less then five years. Maybe it’s just a thought like everything else ever written and believed in history. All just one person’s ideas and thoughts of life, written down, taken in by others, and then passed on through history to be believed as true. Only life will tell, in time. As for my life, I'm kind of lost. Am I looking for help? I don't know. I thought I've had and have help, tried things, but I don't know.

When I was first hurt they said they could have a cure in as few as 5 to 10 years and that I was only 18 and could still have a whole life ahead of me. I didn't want to go another day but I was asked to try for just a couple of years and then see where I was at. When I was 4 and 5 years post, I thought I was past all that and in the groove of things so I reached out and started meeting people 10, 20, even 30 years plus into this life. S$@t, I even married another quad who was 4 years older and had 6 more years then me living the life. We won't go there though. Just acting young, dumb, and full of cum (oops, can I say that? Sorry, lol). Still full of the stuff, not nearly as dumb, nor quite as young but definitely not old and still feel like I got a look. Anyways, that brought me to the reality that no matter what I just needed to do what I could, with I had, where I was at. If the day comes where I can walk and use my body again, that'd be great, if not, then just keep on keeping on and live with what you have. Now I'm only in my lucky 13th year, feeling like I do, and see others way past me just dealing with the same, sometimes less, sometimes more, but no matter what just the ongoing pain PLUS the effects of aging (which I feel like I starting to feel now) and I'm flat out tired, weak, and scared.

I guess maybe I'm trying to reach out. I don't know. I'm just low and don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the rest of the day but I guess we'll see.

[Trinity]

I'm so sorry you feel like this, 13 years is a long time. Sometimes emotions can run away with you, so much so that it can feel like you're drowning under the flood of feelings or that things are totally out of control.

Pain is something that, unless you are experiencing it, is hard for people to comprehend. The relentlessness of it. It is unforgiving in it's quest to take over your life. There are always people worse off, you are right about that but this doesn't make things better for you right now.

There was a post on here about Randy Pausch who had terminal cancer. In his video he says "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, only how we play the hand".

It's part of the baggage we humans have to live with as we go through the different phases of our lives. We all have different things to handle in our life, it is how we handle them that makes the difference. We can wallow in jealousy and self pity or we can opt to search for what makes us happy.

Nobody kows what's round the corner, that's just part of life and I for one don't want to know.
You should think about talking to someone. If you are clinically depressed then there are things that can help you. If your just going through a rough patch then you will come out the other side.

You have aknowledged your feelings, that's a good start. I hope things improve for you.

Take care
TrinityX

[knowthill]

How often do we take time to evaluate our position in life? The time it takes to do an inventory of our good and bad deeds. The time to evaluate the direction we want to go and the direction we are actually headed. I had not done this until a twist of fate caused me to do so. This happened the day of my automobile accident.

I woke up one afternoon in the hospital with tubes, monitors and staff running in and out of my room like their feet was on fire. Doctor Dove came into my room shortly after the nurses realized I was conscious. He told me I had been in a serious accident and that I had twenty-one broken ribs; scapula broke in two places, other scrapes and bruises, and a burst vertebra in my back. He went on to tell me he would not say I would never walk again; however, at this time I would be paralyzed from the waist down. It would be his job to teach me how to live a quality life.

The mind is a lonely place to figure out why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this punishment? I love nature and the experiences of the out-doors, new life in spring, seeing the fox cubs playing, smelling the wild flowers, taste of spring water after the first thaw. How will I be able to regain any of these very special parts of my life? Try as I must I just do not understand why I need to endure this torment.

The kitchen staff collects my food tray as the last visitors are getting ready to leave. Julie, my nurse, brings my evening medication. Solitude now embraces the room which in my mind has become a jail cell. Shadows start to dominate the fall atmosphere. Alone, trapped in this body, I feel the evening go by slowly.

That time between two and four a.m. is the time of the wolf. This is the time when the ideal picture of life conflicts with reality. We all have an inner sense of who we think we are, while the rest of the world may see a different persona. When awake at this time of day, we are required to evaluate our inner self. The depression wolf is a very powerful beast.

This is not a unique situation reserved for people that have monumentous events occur in their life. Everyone will see the wolf at some point in their life. He may have already visited you and you were not aware of him, death of a family member, a child that is not home at a usual time, the night a little to much drinking caused an embarrassment. The wolf will come to everyone at some point in our lives. When we are alone we will have to face these questions of self-worth.

Memories become visualized, and these tapes are played and replayed through the night. There have been times when I have harmed someone or did something contrary to my personal beliefs. Because no consequences occurred, the indiscretion passed by in obscurity. Then some incident causes a trauma to the body or mind and the weight of all the past comes down all at once. Alone, I was forced to meditate on the meaning of my existence. What is truly important becomes the question that demands an answer. Priorities have to be set straight in order to make a justification of my life. Does work to pay bills and provide security to the family really mean that much? By doing so I neglect ball games, birthdays, and parent-teacher meetings my son deserves my attention. Events once lost are never regained. Am I taking my God for granted, feeling God knows I am basically a good person? Why do I need to take the time to reflect about morality? After all God knows all. Answering these questions and realizing life does have a purpose, the wolf is put to rest and so am I.

The wolf comes in various degrees. If he is so close you can see him eye to eye and he demands an answer, one of two things can happen. You can confront him and return to the real world changed and more prepared for his next meeting. The other alternative is that wolf will not be satisfied and will keep you in his world. I have seen the eye of the wolf and was lucky enough to return to a different reality.

Edited by knowthill, 04 May 2008 - 09:55 PM.

[nomis]

Hi gustifer

jeez, this isn't good. You're an important part of this forum to me and no doubt others and I find this hard. There's gotta be something better for you.

My first reaction reading through your post grew stronger as I went so I'll go with that. I reckon you need to find a darn good, psychotherapist - not one who does a quick patch-up job but someone who'll guide you through exploring your life from it's beginning.

From what you say you've had issues with pain since very young. It's likely now that symptoms of your SCI injury are getting mixed with personal issues and you can't tell one from the other. Sore shoulders and neck commonly go with the tension of holding back stuff you don't want to be aware of.

Let me explain where I coming from. OK, I'm para which ain't quad. So this is a watered-down version. After 13 years post SCI I hit the wall. I thought I was on top of everything but my life began to fall apart when my ideal partner dumped me. I took some six months sliding into a depression that was all about how I'd never be able to hold on to a woman which graduated into all the negative realisations of being crippled. It was at the very depths of that depression that the horror of my paralysis began to turn into tearful hurt then a deep caring for myself.

What I'm saying is my depression was my path to taking a painful look to see clearly what I was. I didn't plan for it to turn to caring. That just happened and stays with me today as a knowing of a deep love in myself.

To me, it sounds like you're knocking on that door of realisation. And I expect my saying anything will mean nothing to you. And I know nothing will happen quickly. You've got to struggle through this in your own time and probably things will feel worse.

If you choose the path I'm suggesting it'll take a willingness to see it through no matter how hard it gets.

I don't say these things lightly. I'd like to make it easier for you but I can't and I feel a sadness for that cos I know you've got some hard stuff to go though. But I've also seen here on the forum you're intelligent, a thinker, someone I enjoy relating with. You've got strength.

To get on the right path (and stay on it) you need a guide, hence a sensible counselor. It's got to be someone you can trust and who will let you explore your story without them interferring other than to keep you on track. They are not there to fix you. They are not doctors. They are there to guide you to you fixing yourself. You'll probably do the important bits when they aren't around...but you still need a guide.

Life's tough. Be an explorer.

That's my bit. Maybe you can weigh it with other choices you've got.

Meantime, wrap yourself with a friendly cyberhug.

Edited by nomis, 04 May 2008 - 11:55 PM.

[rmorgan]

I don't think I can give you any more helpful advice that wasn't given by nomis. And being an AB, I don't have any helpful advice...

BUT...the thing about the inspiration. People say that because they are... and why? Because you're a lovely person I'm sure, and if you seem happy to someone it comes across as an inspiration for others. To be able to get up every day and put a smile on your face and others is what I'm sure these people were talking about.

Brad gets this saying a lot...that he inspires others. Because he's always a happy, funny, all around caring person. Goes out, does things as normally as he knows how...people see that and feel inspired. Because all they know is how THEY would feel if they were the ones that had the SCI, and for the most part people would feel helpless, like their life just ended, but they see this happy, wonderful person...and again makes then feel "inspired." But he's not like that all the time...I felt that way (and still do) but I know get to witness the ups and downs, happy AND sad times that maybe these people don't see from you. So how would they know you feel like you do?

And so what if you don't know why you inspire these people. The thing that matters is that you do. So keep doing what you do....

[Quad65]

I'm sorry you are in such pain, physically and emotionally. I also second nomis' recommendation in finding a good counselor. Trust me; the right one can be gold for you. I know from firsthand experience.

I'm also a quad, injured at 17 and now almost 43 years post-injury. I won't bore you with a long recitation of my experiences during that time. It might come off as bragging or a sympathy plea, neither of which is any help to you.

The biggest challenge in anyone's life, AB or SCI, is to find meaning and direction. It can be a life-long struggle and some never succeed in doing so. It's easy for others to offer platitudes about keeping your chin up, not feeling sorry for yourself, or keep fighting. What a load of crap. They're well-intentioned, but less than helpful.

Honestly? I don't really know what to say that would be of any practical help. Where men always want to offer logical, nuts-and-bolts, 'fix it' advice, women frequently offer a willing ear and a soft shoulder.

Maybe the best thing we can do for you is listen with empathy. We're here to let you sound off and vent in a safe, non-judgmental environment. While that is fine as far as it goes, I would strongly urge finding a good counselor. Suffice it to say, it helped me deal with issues relating to my injury, my father, and my marriage.

By the way, I'm a guy, if that makes any difference.

[gustifer]

Quad65, on May 5 2008, 10:39 AM, said:

By the way, I'm a guy, if that makes any difference.

Whether a guy or gal, it doesn't make a difference. I know we all have feelings, emotions, pain, trials and tribulations to deal with and overcome.

It's another day. Rough night but none the less a new one. I have more to say, in a way almost too much and already thoughts are getting spun and mixed, but as for now I have to keep it short. Morning duties, you know.

I've read through what you all have said already and Simon, I have to say, that is one of my problems already is trusting in someone to talk to in such a vulnerable position. It's hard cause I've been there before, tried talking to deaf ears, felt the pain was too much, and just ended up in a hospital for a 3 day nap waking more pissed than before. But I pulled my a$$ up and got on with life, and swore never to go there again. I don't know.

Shoot I'm running out of time here so for now, I have to go. My father broke his back and I just heard about this last night and so after I'm up I have to build up and talk him through for a bit, but I'll be back. I just found out there is no spinal cord damage, that I've been told, so that's lucky, but I know he feels me and needs me. So no worries there. Anyways, I've got more to say but in the meantime, days are still clickin, my eyes are open, so we'll see it where it goes.

Thanks guys,
Gus

[mello dan]

Gus,
I know this doesn't change your situation but I wanted to say that I understand and experience many of the things you're talking about. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

[nomis]

gustifer

Sure hope your father is mostly ok and there's no neurological damage. One SCI in the family is one too many.

I appreciate the difficulty in finding the right person to speak to. That part takes luck and some hard work. But once you start to learn about local counseling services it becomes much easier to find the right person.

To me, you sound primed to further explore your self. And you've got a good idea of what's involved. Only this time when you get to the painful bits you need to be with someone who'll stay tuned in with you and guide you through.

I'm such an advocate for counseling. Ironic thing is that though I've lived among psychotherapists, worked with them and still count them among my closest friends, I prefer nowadays to go solo when I push my limits. Either I'm stupid or I outgrew my counselors. For purposes of vanity and pride I prefer the latter.

[Ches]

Wow Gus, I havent caught up with you in a while, I had no idea you where feeling this way...
I'm sorry youre down, although your tone did seem to change when you got news of your father. Im glad he needs/wants you. You already have one purpose under your belt! (well, other than your spot on apparelyzed)

Once your dad gets better.. cause we know he will, I suggest you get your ass out of the house and have some good times. You deserve it, I insist!

I'd love to catch up, let me know when you have a chance.

Keep your head up kiddo!

[gustifer]

Thanks for the support and I'm done crying like a baby. First off I'll start by saying my Pops is ok and is a lucky son of a gun, considering what COULD have. A crushed heel, cracked pelvis, and 2 hair line fractures on L1 and L2 but no spinal cord damage. So besides having a hard time doing the doody and having to wear a turtle shell around his body (you para's I'm sure can relate) he's going to be alright. Had surgery to fix his heel and should be going home today but I think it's time for hime to retire. He is and has been a iron worker connecting and welding steel 5, 10, 20+ stories high and growing up we used to pray all the time nothing major would happen to him. It finally got the best of him. He was 2 stories up on top of a roof trying to get the job site closed down cause the winds started kicking up bad when a 60mph gust of wind blew him like a leaf some 70 feet back and he landed on his foot and back.

As for me, my ups and downs have a lot to do with my last move. I lost my queen, my king is in check, and my night is out of range. I know my next move, just have to bide my time till the time suits right. Ok well, when I split up with my ex I let her have everything (as every DUMB A$$ does) while I moved to Fl. back with my parents thinking I'd at least still have home care and VR to work with since I had medicaid coverage. She was supposed to buy me out so I could move on. The stupid part was me moving out of a house that was completely accessible for me, out of a state that had me fully covered with good medical and home care, out of a city that was completely accessible everywhere you'd go (even paths up mountain sides for a view), had easy access to RELIABLE and fast transportation to anywhere I'd want to go, into a state and city that has broken sidewalks everywhere, transportation services that are joke (I mean some of the bus stops don't even have sidewalk access to them. They're on the side of the road in the grass and dirt), nobody wants to work with you, and have a weak medicaid and home health care system with a waiting list of 3 to 5 years JUST TO GET HOME CARE. I thought I did my homework ahead of time before moving here by calling people ahead of time, letting them know my situation, trying to make sure that I'd get at least the home care and medical coverage to which the only answer I could get from anybody was "As long as you meet this certain criteria, you'll be covered but there's nothing they could do till I moved here." I searched the web and everything. Not a rookie at this stuff. After moving here, months went by while I was trying to get setup with doctors and find what I had to do and where I had to go to get home coverage when I was smacked with the reality that there home health care system had this 3 to 5 year waiting list.

To make a long story short, it took almost a year after fighting the system and going to the head of their department for this so called "Brain and Spinal Cord Injury Program" (which is Fl. home health system) and draining my parents savings cause my mother had to get out of the job market to help me, I finally got coverage. Only now, theres a shortage of nurses and CNA's so finding people to help, just another joke. So my mother got qualified so at least she could get paid for doing my care but that just doesn't cut all the bills especially after property taxes and insurance doubled here. Then I've trying to work with VR (voc rehab btw. just incase you diddn't know) and going back to school here and I'm here physically and emotionally burning myself out trying to keep with the classes. VR is being a pain trying to get help to making my homeworking environment a little more accessible or transportation or anything. My councilor just keeps saying "Oh 1st see what they can do for you, or them, or them..." Frickin loops that I'm tired of jumping. Get paralyzed and 1st thing your turned into an acrobat soon as you're released having to jump hoops the rest of your days. DON'T MOVE TO FLORIDA IF YOU DEPEND ON HOME CARE AT ALL. Great place for vacation or retiring, but not middle class or dependents.

So we've just come to the conclusion that my parents are just going to have to let their house forclose, my ex is going to just have to bite the bullet and move into her house that she owns free and clear (didn't tell you that yet, did I? Yeah, and a bank account full of money that I have some part in). All I wanted was enough so that I could start over. Greedy, selfish, stuborn, B!$@%! I don't even want to go there. I forgive her. Someday she'll see. Only reason I left was so that her son could stay in the school he was in. She hasn't bought me out yet and she's got everything and I've lost everything, even sacraficed my parents, and we're moving back there. I called my old case manager there and I'm still in the system so it won't take much to get me setup again. My mom has better job opportunities there, being in the business of escrow for the last 30 years, and then just plan the next move from there.

So that's the short story. This is my therapy and you are my councilors. Simon, i know you believe in the psychotherapies n all but I've found the best therapy in friends, family, and a lot of times just simple unkowns who bump into my life. And I will DEFINETLY will be persuaded into taking antidepressants. I'm sorry but I'm done with pills,pharmaceuticals, and terrorists, i mean therapists, lol. It's all in the mind. You're dealt a situation, you deal with it in the belief you have in yourself. Without belief in yourself, the situation takes control of you and that's when misery sets in, but there's always a way out. Besides, if I tried seeing a shrink and let them into my mind, I'd get locked up in a nutt house. Just be glad you don't know me in person. I'd flip your world upside down, lol jk. I'm just a nutt job like everyone else. Just proud to admit it. If you admit it, they don't lock you up, lol.

Boy, talk about changing faces. It's that Gemini I tell ya. No, it's life, and the twists that go with it. Funny how life throws things at you just when you're thinking "Where do I go now" Btw, Ches, who you callin "kiddo?" Kiddo! I was that Senior in high school that you and your elementary school girlfriends would all get together and fantasize about, kiddo. LOL jk!

Ok, I'm done. Time to go smoke a bowl and do something creative. Oops, did I say that out loud. Nah, my lips never moved and my voice didn't speak, so It's all good. Right? Smoke 2 joints before we smoke 2 joints, and then we're gonna smoke 2 more. It's ok. It's just shwags. Alright, quit talk, er writtin, er typin...whatever. SEE! NUTT JOB!

[nomis]

Glad to hear your pops is doing ok. I guess it's only from a SCI person you'll hear them say someone was lucky to have "...A crushed heel, cracked pelvis, and 2 hair line fractures on L1 and L2 .."

You and your family have had a lot to deal with in recent times. I'm disappointed to learn that Florida has been so tough. And, regardless of the losses, I trust this new move opens to a more enjoyable life for all. No reasons why not.

If you're not comfortable going the psychotherapist way, that's fine. The best thing is the freedom to do it the way you want. You're more than likely right and your way will work for you.

Good to know that you realise you're a nutta. I'm one, too. I'm probably not quite as nutty as most of the psychotherapists I've met- they're so nutty they think they are not nutty - how unrealistic is that! The great thing about my nuttiness is that it's all mine, I'm my very own unique nutcase and it's wonderful.

[Harry C1 & c2 Fracture]

gustifer, on May 4 2008, 01:01 PM, said:

If you have something to live for, then you live for it. No matter the pains, stresses, or limits you’re brought to, when there is the will to live for something other than yourself, then all that you endure is worth it. So what happens when you feel like you have run out of the will to fight and the things that you need or want to live for? When the pains, stresses, and limits you’re brought to become greater then fight inside to stay alive? Inside I’ve become numb, my mind never quiets yet my voice can’t ever speak, the pains just continue to grow stronger adding more stress to an already stressful situation, and so here I find myself brought to my limits. I’ve tried hard to stay strong for as long as I could because it felt best when I saw how I’d inspire others in so many ways over the years, but that all seems to dwindle away in the ever amounts of growing pains I feel both physically and emotionally. I’ve been praying and hoping for a sign, help, stronger will, guidance, or something that would inspire me to want to wake up everyday rather than cry because I awoke to take on another days routine, and the pain the comes along with it.

Over time I’ve been told to and have had to make changes to daily living habits, and such, to try and make any pains and stresses go away or easier to deal with. Over time I’ve found for every change comes another change and a new pain. Sometimes one pain goes away and just when all things seem to be fine, a new but different one will take its place. Over time the pains seem to have just grown deeper and stronger until now, where they have brought to me to here. I felt this was to be my destiny, eventually, in this way since I was a child. Why or even how could a child think in such ways? I don’t know. I can only say now that it was because of what was one day, going to be. I felt for as long as I could remember that I was here to experience pain in its many ways until one day it would bring me to my knees. It scares the hell out of me cause every time I have bad pains and hard days it'll take me back to those moments when I was young, on my knees, crying and praying to just take me then.

The pain is in my neck and shoulders, has been oncoming through daily use over the years, been enhanced since my spinal surgery, and is getting worse as the days go by. I’ve tried massages and therapy but the everyday use overcomes and undo’s any and all relief the therapies give. Not to mention it’s costly and time consuming when already my time in a day is short just due to the extra time it takes in daily living activities. The random but daily burning, throbbing, deep, electric like shocking pain in my right hand that has been there since the accident and there is no amount of drugs kill the pain without practically putting me in a conscious coma. The constant ache, pressure, and tenseness I get in my lower abdomen that slowly builds until my legs, stomach, and back break out in violent spasms. The constant dysreflexia, which causes chills, headaches, and this really uncomfortable feeling throughout my body that I can’t even begin to describe, only seems to grow more intense and more constant with every day that goes by. That’s all just SOME of the daily physical pains.

The stresses come from everywhere including the pain. The stresses of struggling through daily activities, constant doctor visits where most end up in a complete waste of time, pills to take routinely, dealing with insurances to get the simplest of what I need or to repair things I depend on for daily life, and the stress it puts on others I live with and/or depend on to take care of me. Living with others is hard especially with the fact that my body can’t regulate body temperature and so if I get just slightly cold, I freeze and the colder I get the closer to hypothermia I get. Every winter, even in Florida, I’m bundled up in blankets and sweaters in front of a heater all the time. In the summer in order for everyone else to be comfortable, the air conditioning has to be blasting which freezes me out to going out in the 100 degree weather to warm up. If I get too hot, I push getting heatstroke real easily because my body doesn’t sweat. In order for me to be comfortable all the time I have to be alone where I can regulate my own temperature, but I have no means of being on my own. I’m tired of being cold all the time.

The emotions are all over everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Everything has added up to combat with my emotions with all that I have seen, done, and been through. The memories, love, pain, good times and bad, stresses, challenges, accomplishments, everything in my life spins like a spiraling hurricane deep in mind and has just brought me to my knees. And it’s all locked in so tightly that I can’t get it out. I try not to complain as I know things could be worse and I can’t ever get out what hurts the most. I try to be strong and hold in any signs of weakness especially when others come to me with questions, curiousness or to tell me how much I inspire them. Where’s the inspiration? What have I ever done? You tell me things and show me things I’ve done but everything was nothing. It was something, but I mean, it was nothing for me to do or give or whatever. So what? Who am I? I inspire you and I’m in pain! I just don’t get it. My emotions are going so out of control that now I’ve become numb and has given me that overwhelming feeling of just being so tired that I just want to sleep. So, so tired, I could just sleep forever.

Don't get me wrong because it feels good when I inspire someone or help them in any way that I can. I love going out to make awareness when I can to help others in my situation cause I've learned and know so much through the years about what you need to do to keep healthy, what's available for almost anyone in any situation, the fight you have to put up with to get what you need in dealing with doctors, private insurances, state Medicaid’s and Medicare and to show that when there's a will, there's a way. It's a 24 hour job living like this in the world we've created and there are so many I have met over time that had no clue what they were doing cause they were in a place where no one knew anything or could show them what they needed to know. I've been blessed with some of the best doctors, rehab hospitals, and SCI specialists in the country and I've learned so much already. It's good to pass that information on to anyone I meet and I try to keep my head high so that what I can help others with will be accepted in a positive manner.

Now I know there are so many who endure and suffer from far greater pains as well and many times I thought of how weak it would be of me to think that the pain I endure is more than what others have and have had to deal with. How could I even think of choosing to take my own way out of this life, rather than have to wait, for however long, for life to release me instead? I think now that it is all in ones perspective, in ones own situation, their life as it is, and in destiny itself (however you want to define it or look at it) that is the way life comes and goes. Sometimes we choose, sometimes we choose for others, sometimes we have no choice at all, but no matter what, in the end, it is what it is. Who’s to say that the pain I feel is any less then that of others whom seem to be in far greater pain? In their mind and reality it could feel just as great or even less painful an ordeal then what I feel. You are who you are, you do what you can while you can, you deal with what you can, and life chooses the rest.

There are so many I love, so many I miss, so many I wish I could be with, talk to, and hear from just one more time. I believe life does have a plan and there will be more then just one more time, but that might take some time. In fact, I believe that time will come sooner than expected. Maybe even in just less then five years. Maybe it’s just a thought like everything else ever written and believed in history. All just one person’s ideas and thoughts of life, written down, taken in by others, and then passed on through history to be believed as true. Only life will tell, in time. As for my life, I'm kind of lost. Am I looking for help? I don't know. I thought I've had and have help, tried things, but I don't know.

When I was first hurt they said they could have a cure in as few as 5 to 10 years and that I was only 18 and could still have a whole life ahead of me. I didn't want to go another day but I was asked to try for just a couple of years and then see where I was at. When I was 4 and 5 years post, I thought I was past all that and in the groove of things so I reached out and started meeting people 10, 20, even 30 years plus into this life. S$@t, I even married another quad who was 4 years older and had 6 more years then me living the life. We won't go there though. Just acting young, dumb, and full of cum (oops, can I say that? Sorry, lol). Still full of the stuff, not nearly as dumb, nor quite as young but definitely not old and still feel like I got a look. Anyways, that brought me to the reality that no matter what I just needed to do what I could, with I had, where I was at. If the day comes where I can walk and use my body again, that'd be great, if not, then just keep on keeping on and live with what you have. Now I'm only in my lucky 13th year, feeling like I do, and see others way past me just dealing with the same, sometimes less, sometimes more, but no matter what just the ongoing pain PLUS the effects of aging (which I feel like I starting to feel now) and I'm flat out tired, weak, and scared.

I guess maybe I'm trying to reach out. I don't know. I'm just low and don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even the rest of the day but I guess we'll see.

Wow man I didn’t read everything you said and I saw other things. First of all I had a C1 & c2 fracture and i am not paralyzed and it is been over 20 years ago, however since i made medical history 3 times i am trying to find out other symptoms that could be related to this type of injury. There are many questions and I do not know were to go.

Anyone can email me at harrym12341@YAHOO.COM Please put in C1&C2 fracture in the subject line. Thanks

It is clear that you are hurting like I am. No one really understands and the people who are close to you really cannot or don’t want to know what we are feeling. As I said it has been over 20 years ago and there has not been a day that I wish I was not DOA. I have realized that mental pain is so much worst then physical pain. After years of thinking about this pro’s and cons. The bottom line anyone’s family will want him or her to be happy. I’m not saying to do anything or to off yourself. People who keeps us alive are evil as far as I’m concerned. I gave up trying to off myself when the last 2 times should have done the trick but not. What I’m saying is there is a reason that we are here and it’s up to us to find it.

I can’t tell you what is right or wrong that is something that you need to find. No one can tell you how to deal with the past but you need to find the way. I wish I can tell you more but I can’t.

Try to have hope. I was 9 years old when I busted my neck. I wish I could tell you more but I can’t and sorry but try to find some hope and it will keep you going. Most people would say I am lucky since I can walk and talk. Most people are dead with a C1 c2 fracture. I feel I am not lucky I am in hell.

[gustifer]

nomis, on May 12 2008, 07:11 PM, said:

Good to know that you realise you're a nutta. I'm one, too. I'm probably not quite as nutty as most of the psychotherapists I've met- they're so nutty they think they are not nutty - how unrealistic is that! The great thing about my nuttiness is that it's all mine, I'm my very own unique nutcase and it's wonderful.

Here, Here! EXACTLY why I don't go and therapists whom I know I have a 50/50 chance of getting to talk to someone in denial of the screws that are loose in their own mind. Could be the reason for your part in starting this site up, eh? For therapy that money can't buy in a terrorists? Er therapists...sorry it just comes out like that, lol. Let's put it this way. I've been thru terrorists, psychopathorists, pharamathieforists, and all since I was 8 n they all drove me more nutts than what a bull can swing between his legs.

Harry C1 & c2 Fracture, on May 13 2008, 06:03 AM, said:

Try to have hope. I was 9 years old when I busted my neck. I wish I could tell you more but I can’t and sorry but try to find some hope and it will keep you going. Most people would say I am lucky since I can walk and talk. Most people are dead with a C1 c2 fracture. I feel I am not lucky I am in hell.

I have to tell ya Harry. In your situation I can relate in a couple of ways. For one, if you haven't heard already how exposed my family has been to injuries n all, my uncle was a walking quad too when I was about 12 n he was like 22. He broke his neck in the navy, working at a hospital, when a broken elevators doors' opened with no car to get on. When he went to look down the shaft, a counter weight from another elevator hit him on the back of the head and knocking him down the shaft. He started getting return after about 3 months and almost gained full function back. his right side was a little weak, but other than walking with a small limp, he was ok. He got schitt full of money but ended up drinking himself to death by 27 by drinking up to a gallon of vodka a day. I don't think he ever got his mind back right since and so I kind of see where you're coming from. All i can say is that I try to let it out, somehow, some way, somewhere even if it's nowhere, let a few days roll by and with an open mind something usually arises. I take a lot of time to just escape to a peaceful place away from everyone and everything and surround myself as much as I can with just nature. I'll lay back in the sun n just talk to that voice in my head. Talk it to death till I'm just tired n done. Then go home with a smile n a blank mind. I don't know. Just try to keep your mind open at all times no matter what. Good luck my friend as I know we all need it. This a good place to let things out without the concerns of friends n family. Of course, we're all friends. Just haven't met, eye to eye yet.