[Emily C]

Hi, everyone!

My situation occured as a congenital defect that caused me to become a paraplegic as of 12-07. I have quite a few neurological conditions that caused me to have the inability to walk. I was in my scooter for two years prior to the dx.
I've been handling this pretty well. Just am a positive person by nature, however, I've noticed over the last few months that when complete strangers come up to me and say stupid comments: " You're so pretty, do u think you'll ever walk again? Do u need a license for that thing? I wish I had one ot those" etc I've been angrey with them. I don't get nasty, just a little defensive and sometimes sarcastic.
Today, at the store, I was trying to transfer out of the borrowed scooter and into my transfer chair when I haerd a voice say to take my time. I had my Jcollar on so turning is somewhat limited and dificult. "I'm going as fast as I can, sir". "That's why I told u to take your time". "I thought u were being sarcastic". He wasn't. It pains me that this has now become my first, cynical response to people now. I was a pro. singer b4 I got sick and am used to people looking at me, but not for this reason! (WC). I get that, but it still bothers me and the comments REALLY tick me off. I was wondering if this is b/c I'm still new at this. I used to be a BIGTIME "people person" and still am, but this is hard....
I got VERY angrey today, in general. Angrey that my life has come to a SCREETCHING halt and there's nothing that can be done. My other conditions warrant me from doing much in way of anything, mostly. (seizures, heart condition, EDS...) I have UNBELIEVABLE headaches that keep me in a dark room for days and weeks at a time sometimes. I am lieing down 24/7. Now, I have leg twitches and pain, my raynauds has gone from my feet to my thighs.
I know we all have problems/issuses here and after I broke down w/my mom (which I hardly ever do) I remembered all of you and how glad I am to be here. Just wondering how u handled these "stages" that I seem to be going through. I have a social worker who comes here weekly to talk with me. I had a lady that deals with SCI, but I had a seizure and haven't heard from her since.
Re: the "stages" do u ever get through all of them? Should I consider this a minor setback? How do u know if it becomes a major problem? I am not prone to depression, but get sad sometimes like everyone else. This anger stuff is HARD. I hope and am sure that by tomorow I'll be "back" but I'd really appreaciate any and all advise or counsel u can give me on your experiences.

MY thanks, as ALWAYS!!!

[Kev-O]

"Almost anything you do today will be forgotten in just a few weeks" John McCrone. I think your careing to much about little things like stupid remarks people make. You have to learn how to just give people like that a little laugh (just to make them happy) an go on with your day. To me it sounds like your fighting depression. IMO grieving does not last any longer then a year. Anything after that is depression in my eyes. What you call "stages" of grieving i call slipping in an out of depression. Depression is a slippery slope so just try not sweating the little things. It's annoying to us when people say stupid things but to them they are just trying to make you smile. I think you also have to accept where your at in your life an realize its not going to be the same ever again no matter what.

[nomis]

Hi Emily C

I gather from what you write you are more aware of anger now than earlier. This might be a good thing, indicating that you're being more honest with your feelings whereas before you held that back with politeness and stoicism. You've probably got some pondering to do on the impact of your reduced abilities.

The experience you had in mistaking the "take your time" message is typical of the lessons that help you through your anger. You got a little reality test. Trouble is, if you're like me, we need to repeat those lessons many times before we get the message. Sometimes our obsessions with ourselves get our world a little distorted and we rely on those reality tests to put us right again.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the textbook version of the stages of grieving. The reality is much less clearly experienced. True, you may be working through a significant part of your process now but once that's sorted you'll still go through the same things again as you hit some new experience. There's no magic end to grieving - it's part of the pattern in the fabric of life ( sorry, it was all getting too serious and I just had to go wild at the end)

[Kwag_Myers]

Anger is a big part of grieving. Some people never get past it. And for someone who's health is constantly declining, it seems reasonable for you to always be in one stage of grieving at any given time.

I remember when the doctor told me I'd never walk again. My reaction was, "What ever God has for me, I'm okay with". But not everyone has that kind of faith/belief/etc. And I still have to deal with the emotional aspect of my situation; the grieving process. I think that's the key - recognize it, deal with it, and try to move on.

Just remember, you can't do it on your own.

[hurbshankin]

Kwag_Myers, on May 12 2008, 06:35 AM, said:

Anger is a big part of grieving. Some people never get past it. And for someone who's health is constantly declining, it seems reasonable for you to always be in one stage of grieving at any given time.

I remember when the doctor told me I'd never walk again. My reaction was, "What ever God has for me, I'm okay with". But not everyone has that kind of faith/belief/etc. And I still have to deal with the emotional aspect of my situation; the grieving process. I think that's the key - recognize it, deal with it, and try to move on.

Just remember, you can't do it on your own.

I'm 10 1/2 months post injury and I think I'm losing my mind. I was a very athletic individual, everything I chose to do was physical. I was a Building Trades instructor, motorcycle enthusiast, mountain biker, kayaker, hiker, state champion lacrosse player, Varsity swimmer, snowboarder, the list goes on and on. As a quad, I can no longer do anything I used to. How does an individual start everything over from scratch? I CHOSE what I wanted to do, I no longer have that choice. How do I live a second rate life. I've kept a pretty good attitude on the surface, but deep down I'm super frustrated. I have not given up, I bust mky ass in therapy 3-4 days a week, 2-3 hours at a clip. I go shopping with my family etc.. but it seems like my efforts are for naught. Please help me, any words of encouragement are appreciiated.

Hurb

[Emily C]

Kwag_Myers, on May 12 2008, 05:35 AM, said:

Anger is a big part of grieving. Some people never get past it. And for someone who's health is constantly declining, it seems reasonable for you to always be in one stage of grieving at any given time.

I remember when the doctor told me I'd never walk again. My reaction was, "What ever God has for me, I'm okay with". But not everyone has that kind of faith/belief/etc. And I still have to deal with the emotional aspect of my situation; the grieving process. I think that's the key - recognize it, deal with it, and try to move on.

Just remember, you can't do it on your own.

Interesting what your first reaction was. I can relate to that! I'm just in such HORRIFIC pain from these headaches and I've had two brain surgeries for them. It's a type of TBI. I'm not angrey with God, I'm just missing some of what I used to do in my "prior" life. This anger is all new to me though!
Thanks for the response! and for the PM too!!

[nomis]

hurbshankin, on May 13 2008, 06:10 AM, said:

I'm 10 1/2 months post injury and I think I'm losing my mind. I was a very athletic individual, everything I chose to do was physical. I was a Building Trades instructor, motorcycle enthusiast, mountain biker, kayaker, hiker, state champion lacrosse player, Varsity swimmer, snowboarder, the list goes on and on. As a quad, I can no longer do anything I used to. How does an individual start everything over from scratch? I CHOSE what I wanted to do, I no longer have that choice. How do I live a second rate life. I've kept a pretty good attitude on the surface, but deep down I'm super frustrated. I have not given up, I bust mky ass in therapy 3-4 days a week, 2-3 hours at a clip. I go shopping with my family etc.. but it seems like my efforts are for naught. Please help me, any words of encouragement are appreciiated.

Hurb

Hi Hurb

I'm not surprised to hear that you feel like you're losing your mind considering the overwhelming amount of information you're having to process in what is a humongous life change. I guess coming up to one year is the probable peak for such processing.

With all your athletic and recreational activities you're obviously a competitive person who enjoys pitting yourself against a challenge. Now you've got the mother of all challenges and you're going to have to call on all those skills and learnings from that rich past plus draw out new stuff from deep down.

You sound like the right person for the job.

From my learnings, I reckon the frustration is the hardest to deal with. Just when you get it under control something new pops up so it's ongoing. Learning to be more patient is only going to come with better understanding and realisation. That takes time. You even have to be patient with that. But then you don't run a marathon without preparation.

Your whole world is undergoing a radical change. Near equivalent as caterpillar to butterfly. So give yourself some time and space to get a grip on this new world. I think that at times you're going to be amazed at what you discover.

This post has been edited by nomis: 12 May 2008 - 11:48 PM

[Emily C]

nomis, on May 12 2008, 06:46 PM, said:

hurbshankin, on May 13 2008, 06:10 AM, said:

I'm 10 1/2 months post injury and I think I'm losing my mind. I was a very athletic individual, everything I chose to do was physical. I was a Building Trades instructor, motorcycle enthusiast, mountain biker, kayaker, hiker, state champion lacrosse player, Varsity swimmer, snowboarder, the list goes on and on. As a quad, I can no longer do anything I used to. How does an individual start everything over from scratch? I CHOSE what I wanted to do, I no longer have that choice. How do I live a second rate life. I've kept a pretty good attitude on the surface, but deep down I'm super frustrated. I have not given up, I bust mky ass in therapy 3-4 days a week, 2-3 hours at a clip. I go shopping with my family etc.. but it seems like my efforts are for naught. Please help me, any words of encouragement are appreciiated.

Hurb

Hi Hurb

I'm not surprised to hear that you feel like you're losing your mind considering the overwhelming amount of information you're having to process in what is a humongous life change. I guess coming up to one year is the probable peak for such processing.

With all your athletic and recreational activities you're obviously a competitive person who enjoys pitting yourself against a challenge. Now you've got the mother of all challenges and you're going to have to call on all those skills and learnings from that rich past plus draw out new stuff from deep down.

You sound like the right person for the job.

From my learnings, I reckon the frustration is the hardest to deal with. Just when you get it under control something new pops up so it's ongoing. Learning to be more patient is only going to come with better understanding and realisation. That takes time. You even have to be patient with that. But then you don't run a marathon without preparation.

Your whole world is undergoing a radical change. Near equivalent as caterpillar to butterfly. So give yourself some time and space to get a grip on this new world. I think that at times you're going to be amazed at what you discover.

Hi, Nomis,
As usual, I apreciate your responses!! I will try to remember what you've said here and put it to some use in my own life!! Thanks for your encouragement and kindness, and please know that I will give the same back to you if you ever need it.

[hurbshankin]

nomis, on May 12 2008, 07:46 PM, said:

hurbshankin, on May 13 2008, 06:10 AM, said:

I'm 10 1/2 months post injury and I think I'm losing my mind. I was a very athletic individual, everything I chose to do was physical. I was a Building Trades instructor, motorcycle enthusiast, mountain biker, kayaker, hiker, state champion lacrosse player, Varsity swimmer, snowboarder, the list goes on and on. As a quad, I can no longer do anything I used to. How does an individual start everything over from scratch? I CHOSE what I wanted to do, I no longer have that choice. How do I live a second rate life. I've kept a pretty good attitude on the surface, but deep down I'm super frustrated. I have not given up, I bust mky ass in therapy 3-4 days a week, 2-3 hours at a clip. I go shopping with my family etc.. but it seems like my efforts are for naught. Please help me, any words of encouragement are appreciiated.

Hurb

Hi Hurb

I'm not surprised to hear that you feel like you're losing your mind considering the overwhelming amount of information you're having to process in what is a humongous life change. I guess coming up to one year is the probable peak for such processing.

With all your athletic and recreational activities you're obviously a competitive person who enjoys pitting yourself against a challenge. Now you've got the mother of all challenges and you're going to have to call on all those skills and learnings from that rich past plus draw out new stuff from deep down.

You sound like the right person for the job.

From my learnings, I reckon the frustration is the hardest to deal with. Just when you get it under control something new pops up so it's ongoing. Learning to be more patient is only going to come with better understanding and realisation. That takes time. You even have to be patient with that. But then you don't run a marathon without preparation.

Your whole world is undergoing a radical change. Near equivalent as caterpillar to butterfly. So give yourself some time and space to get a grip on this new world. I think that at times you're going to be amazed at what you discover.

Nomis,

Thanks for the reply, and of course I have a ton of "yeah, but" floating through my head. At this point I realize that without some crazy changes, I'll be in this chair for a while or for ever. I want to believe, very badly, that I will walk again. I feel that as soon as I accept my injury and it's consequences that it will then become permanent. I feel if I just believe, then there is a chance. But how do I believe without really going crazy. Each morning I wake up and there is no improvement, AAAARRRGGHHHH!!


Hurb

[nomis]

At a bit over 10 months post injury I can understand you keeping your options open for recovery. It's still a fresh injury and there is much encouragement in today's research.
I'm not in that situation so I can't fully appreciate how you cope with that daily expectation. But I am encouraged that you finished with a smiley face. I guess you're going to need that sense of humour.

[Ches]

Hurb

Im a 13 mons post, and I have just gotten over this hump your expressing. I want to walk and get my life back just as much as the next guy, since day one I decided I would at the very least try. A yr later and Im still not up and still not willing to accept how real this has all been. I too feel like the second I settle my chances of any recovery will vanish. Its the old ricking the brain routine. Thing you've got to realize is that the realiy has already set in, if it hadnt you'd be fine, right?! Its ok to compromise, find your median.. some people will tell you to just accept it, some will tell you to keep trying the rest of your life.. Doesnt matter what anyone says, you've just got to do what gives YOU peice of mind.

I'm beginning to swallow this all, but like nomis has said another issue will always come around. I wasted the past year longing and waiting for my old life to return, now Im ready to face the world again and Im completely terrified of what may come, mainly b/c I treated every situation like it was temporary and didnt reallly adapt, just adjusted.

I wish there was an easy answer for this.... just do what you've got to do..

[hurbshankin]

In the last few days I've really been diggin' deep. I'm not giving up on regaining what I've lost, but I do have to get on with my life. I guess I'm gonna milk the system, hell I've been paying into it for a while now.

Even if I regain a lot of function I'd have a wicked time trying to show my students how to build anything, let alone a house. I still want to help and work with kids as they are our future. I'm considering going back to school and earn my Masters in Counseling. I think I have a lot to offer. As a teacher, one of my strong points was dealing with troubled youths and there issues. Because of my injuries I should qualify, through VESID, for tuition assistance (will most likely pay for everything, books, tuition etc..). And, as long as they keep sending disability checks, I'm good to go.

Yesterday I had a really good day, I actually got to sit in the front seat of a regular vehicle. We bought a van with a lift for me and my power chair and it's so convenient that's all I've been traveling in. My wife and mother-in-law transferred me (I can't transfer myself yet) into my
wife's Buick Rendezvous, Can't wait to get into my truck.

I'm gonna ride the high, don't klnow when the coaster is gonna take a dive. Thanks guys.

Hurb

[knowthill]

Dam I want what I want when I want it too. It has taken me 14 years and counting to get to the point where I am today in my accident. I would not change anything I have done to keep me sane. I went back to college, not as smart as you, but I did finish, with degrees in Economics and AG-business. I did teach for two year before I got sicker.

I am trying to tell you that there is only today and if you spend too much time with one leg in the past and one in the future, all you are doing is pissing on today. Look around and give your loved ones hugs and tell them every day you love them. Don’ be too hard on yourself but don’t give up either.

“Good luck we are all in this together.” Red Green

[hurbshankin]

Thanks, that's exactly what I'm trying to do, live for today and TRY to plan ahead.


Hurb

[Emily C]

I just wanted to thank all of you for responding to Hurb, b/c in answering him, you've helped me!! Thanks...

[Kwag_Myers]

hurbshankin, on May 14 2008, 01:08 PM, said:

In the last few days I've really been diggin' deep. I'm not giving up on regaining what I've lost, but I do have to get on with my life.

Hey Hurb,
I'd like to introduce you to my Dr., Edward Nieshoff. He's (I'm guessing) a C5, C6 maybe. It's great having a doc who's been there.

[hurbshankin]

Emily C, on May 14 2008, 10:33 PM, said:

I just wanted to thank all of you for responding to Hurb, b/c in answering him, you've helped me!! Thanks...

Me too!!!

Hurb