7 replies to this topic

[rmorgan]

(sorry for the quick blog but I was thinking about this while I was getting ready for work and wanted to put it down before I lost my train of thought)

So...I've read a lot of people's stories about how ignorant other people can be when it comes to talking, questions, or just general responses people get when it comes to their paralysis. Sometimes what I've read of how some of YOU have responded to these people (some of you had every reason to react the way you did) and some of it is just down right RUDE...and to me unexceptable.

This story came to mind...I've been dating Brad (t-5 paraplegic) for two years now. And before I met him, I had never met anyone in a wheelchair...ever. So I was pretty clueless about a lot of things, but thankfully he never treated me as ignorant, just unaware. Well, we went skiing in Utah back in March and met a guy named Tim while skiing. He was also a paraplegic. We all went for drinks one afternoon after hitting the slopes. While playing pool I noticed that Tim looked as if he was tapping his foot to the music. I thought I was just seeing things OR that he was having a spasm and it just "looked" like he was tapping. (yeah i know, kinda stupid BUT....) Later on while sitting at a table, he kicked me! I was bewildered and couldn't understand if he was "paralyzed" how in the earth could he have kicked me!

It just goes to show, that I had no idea, well kind of but not much of one, that there were different types other than just a para or quad. And that you could be incomplete or complete and sometimes people still have functions of some sort. But I asked Tim hundreds of "stupid" questions just because I was unaware and just wanted to know more about "his" injury.

My point here is...

How aware were you of these things BEFORE you were injured? (I guess this just goes to the people who haven't dealt with their paralysis their whole lives.) I mean, do you think it's possible that you were once "that ignorant" as some of you have called it?

I just wanted to throw that out there the next time some of you might get some sort of "response" that you consider ignorant.

And I do know that there are some pretty DUMB ASS people out there...but please distinguish between the two.

Because I've had someone that I was once waiting on at a restuarant who snapped at me because I asked him a question about his paralysis, and all I was wanted to talk about was the fact that my fiance' was a paraplegic. Turns out we had a lot to talk about, considering they were the same level of injury and all. But it really hurt my feelings the way he responded to my question...I thought he was going to bite my head off.

Just be aware...that's all I wanted to say!

[Ches]

I was completely ignorant to paralysis before it hit me, Ive never been around it. I knew the one guy in town that was paralyzed but I never really thought or asked about it. I just accepted him as he was and honestly we didnt have much in common so we rarely spoke, of course NOW we are friends for apparent reasons.

I try not to discourage people curiousity but there is days when I dont want to be stared at, or felt sorry for. I guess it depends what kind of mood I am in that day, Im a moody little bitch.. thats for certain.

And.. There's days when genuine idiots come up to me and have some story to tell, whether I can relate or not, they are idiots and I wouldnt have dealt with them pre injury so why should I now?

If you arent repulsive and Im not being bitchy then chances are I will answer any question you have and for everyones sake I often stress the fact that no two SCI's are alike, I dont think people realize just how unique and complex we all really are. The last thing I want is some one to walk away thinking they know understand what its like for the mass, not just me. That would only lead to more ignorance.

[Abbey22]

you are 100% right! I had no idea about anything related to wheelchairs, disability etc...I mean how could I? I was 17 and didn't have a reason to know why there were lines inbetween handicapped parking spots. (It doesn't mean I parked in them because I remember thinking how wrong it was when friends did it.)

I always try to remember that most people don't understand not because they're self-centered or rude but because they haven't ever needed to understand it. I live in an apatment with 2 friends who I met in the dorms my first year of college and they still ask me questions sometimes. They're genuinely curious and I have to say, in the 2.5 years we've known each other thier screams get a little less shrill every time I jump off a curb or fall out of my wheelchair



so props to you!

[City Girl]

I had NO IDEA! I didn't even think about things like how one might get from their wheelchair onto a toilet seat. Or how the heck one would get their trousers up and down if they couldn't stand up. I remember going into a public washroom marked handicapped when I was first injured and their was no bar. I had to go and ended up doing a sideways face plant against the wall in order to pull my trousers up and down. Crazy!

[rmorgan]

Well said Ches...I understand what you mean completely. Because one reason Brad hates going out with me is because he always gets cornered by the drunk guy asking questions and showing his "sympathy" and expressing how "awesome it is that he goes and and does 'normal' things" I personally want to just punch people in the face sometimes.

And I don't see a reason NOT to be the "bitch" you said you could be to those specific types of people.

I have been very greatful and blessed to find this site, and all the new 'friends' I've encountered being here so far. It's really opened the doors about learning about each individual and how definitely unique each and every one of you are.

Thanks...to everyone!

[eleanorigby]

I understand what you mean and that's why I always try to be as patient as possible with people and answer their questions if I think that they're sincere, but there are times when people go too far (how do you go to the bathroom, ect.) although I'm probably not as rude to them as I should be. The story about the restaurant was a good example of where I could see both sides. When people want to talk to me about their various family and friends that are in wheelchairs, it can be a bit frustrating. I know they are trying to relate to me or they sincerely want to compare experiences, but I'm not my wheelchair. I would prefer people talk to me as a person first, get to know a few cursory things about me, like my name, then they can ask me about some of my more personal experiences. I wouldn't go up to someone in a public place who had the same color hair as mine and start asking about their hair care treatment or something. It's a fine line, I know, but I think the main thing wheelers want is to be acknowledged as people before they're acknowledged as traveling wheelchairs that happen to sport people. I don't know if that makes sense and maybe some people will accuse me of not being a proud pusher since I'm not super into promoting my disability, but that's my two cents.

[rmorgan]

Oh no I totally understand...but i wrote that really quick as I was on my way to work and I wasn't really able to explain the last part. They guy I was waiting on, I've actually waited on several times...him and his wife both...and talked several times about everything else...like "normal." But finally i wanted to know what his injury level was because i wanted to bring up the fact that i date someone and am fixing to marry someone that's a paraplegic as well. Hope that "cures" a few misconceptions about that and that I do understand that and it does get annoying when all people want to talk to you or your spouse about is their so called "disability." I just, I guess...wanted to bring up this awareness.....hmmm...yeah.

[KarenFerguson]

I've been in a wheelchair all my life, and still I was totally ignorant about a lot of things before I meet my C5 hubby. I have complete bowel and bladder, so the whole cathing/leg bag thing was a total mystery to me. I also had no clue about spasms ... yep totally "ignorant".

As far as questions from the AB public goes, I'm all for answering their questions. The ever popular "Why are you in a wheelchair?" makes my eyes roll a bit simply because I've heard it all my life, but I must admit people are just curious and I do always answer their question. Frankly I wonder the same thing about other people in wheelchairs. Sometimes I'll see another para and try to guess their level (to myself, in my head) ... however, I wouldn't go up to them and ask them "personal" questions.

I also get the comments from people that their relative is also in a wheelchair, or they themselves have some horrible disease. Awhile ago when I was on a walk, some neighbor started telling me she had no cartilage in one of her feet. Geez, I really can't relate and frankly I don't want to hear it. I'm not your doctor. I get this a lot and it does bug me.

Anyway, I try to not be the stereotypical bitter disabled person. I answer questions that come my way (if they are not totally personal). That reminds me of a question I got the other day. Someone asked if hubby and I were married or brother and sister. I kind of laughed and said that we were married. They looked totally surprised and added "good for you" ... yep, sometimes people just don't have a "tactful filter" and a lot of times I wish they did.

Edited by KarenFerguson, 23 May 2008 - 11:08 PM.