21 replies to this topic

[C Herod]

My Husband was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. This left him paralized. (C6/C7) I was 8 months pregnant at the time with our 3rd child. It is so hard. We had no insurance. He has had very little therapy, and he is just not a happy person anymore. I think the only thing that keeps him around is our daughter. Now 15 months old, she is such a joy. My husband on the other hand is so depressed and just sad all the time. I know it is hard, but we need to move on. This is our life now like it or not. I don't have time to be depressed. I have to be positive for our kids. I just want him to snap out of it and say this is the way its gonna be and deal with it. He can't he just looks at all the things he can't do, or that we can't do. I hate it. It makes me not want to be around him. He never wants to go anywhere. He is embarrases. I tell him to keep his head up but nothing i say or do helps. It's getting to be to much to bare. I just want us to be happy again. I can deal with this new life, but he won't. I can't keep living like this. If anyone out there feels similar please talk to me.

[squarie41]

Hi my husband is the same post 3 years in a chair he is t6/7 i wrote in about the same thing the other day,its hard isnt it when they wont accept their condition ,i the same as u try and make the most of it and seem to get nowhere fast thats why i joined here as i have noone who really understands at home and sometimes u just need to talk to someone outside the family to put into perspective about the position u find yourself in,what to do what not to do,nobody can make that decision for u ,but the people on here sure do make some good pointsso go thru the forum and read some of the questions and replies i know it helps me.
good luck and u yourself keep your chin up u sound as tho u are doing a marvelous job.

[Photo_Angel]

C Herod, Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job. I totally agree with you. It always seems like my boyfriend is always grumpy or has a bad attitude with me. I love him dearly, but i don't know how much i can handle. We fight all the time bout stupid S**T. Plus we are totally broke and that doesn't help the situation. Was wondering if you have thought of maybe taking depressants yourself or talking to you doctor about it. I know these last fews days have really got to me. I think it will help. Well i hoping. I don't want to loose our relationship. Take care and hang in there. Well hope to hear ya around.

[Trinity]

Hi C Herod

I don't know how thew US system of insurance works but is it too late for him to have some proper rehab? Not only could he learn some independence but it may also give him a sense of achievement and worth. Some counselling would probably be of benefit but obviously you can't force him to do aything he doesn't want too. Have you spoken to him about this and does he understand how you're feeling?

Trinity X

[Fairygirl72]

I can't believe how similar our situations are. Really similar. I'm fortunate enough to have a very positive and strong husband. He keeps me going. He knows he can't give up.....he's stays strong for his girls. I tell him I need him and he knows it. We are struggling financially and going to try and raise some money to get him more therapy. I have faith and know that things will work out. We have accepted that our life has changed but as long as we are together as a family we'll make it though.

[Austyn]

I met my partner when he was 10 years post SCI (he's c5/6) and he now says, looking back, that he was only really coming to terms with it then. Mind you he was only 17 at the time of the accident. He never received any counselling, anti-depressants or anything like that so medicated himself with drugs and alcohol for the next 10 years.

Last year he had a stroke caused by AD and it was only after this that he got counselling to help deal with the effects of the stroke (reduced function in his left arm) and it was then that all the built up s**t from his accident 36 years ago came flooding back. He is now on anti-depressants and after lots of counselling he is a new man! He just wishes he had dealt with all the emotional issues around his accident and paralysis back when it happened and then he might not have wasted so much of his life in a mind altered state trying to avoid thinking about the obvious.

So what I guess I'm saying is that your partner probably should get lots of therapy and anti-depressants if that's appropriate (hell, you are allowed to be depressed when you've broken your neck!) and get on with life and living so he does not waste too much time being sad and depressed and all the while making you sad, depressed and pissed off!!

[YYZ]

He may be clinically depressed and need antidepressants to come back from the abyss. It is not always just a bad attitude--it can be a chemical imbalance issue.

YYZ

[Darkghost]

C Herod, on Jun 2 2008, 07:11 PM, said:

My Husband was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. This left him paralized. (C6/C7) I was 8 months pregnant at the time with our 3rd child. It is so hard. We had no insurance. He has had very little therapy, and he is just not a happy person anymore. I think the only thing that keeps him around is our daughter. Now 15 months old, she is such a joy. My husband on the other hand is so depressed and just sad all the time. I know it is hard, but we need to move on. This is our life now like it or not. I don't have time to be depressed. I have to be positive for our kids. I just want him to snap out of it and say this is the way its gonna be and deal with it. He can't he just looks at all the things he can't do, or that we can't do. I hate it. It makes me not want to be around him. He never wants to go anywhere. He is embarrases. I tell him to keep his head up but nothing i say or do helps. It's getting to be to much to bare. I just want us to be happy again. I can deal with this new life, but he won't. I can't keep living like this. If anyone out there feels similar please talk to me.

Hi,
I have to agree with yzz speaking from both sides, I work as a psychiatric nurse and 4 yrs ago I had spinal surgery which has l3-l4 which has left me unable to walk and wheelchair bound.There was a point where I was very low/depressed,prob is I was the last person to see it.Maybe some professional intervention is required via medication or counselling.He maybe needs to be encouraged to view things from a point of what he can do not what he can't.Unfort it may only come at his pace.Hope things work out for you both.

[qbounce]

Hi Herod,

How much therapy HAS he had?
I thought I was cut loose to soon after injury also, until I kept trying. 2 1/2 yrs. post and through trial and error I'm living alone, and only need assistance for the bigger things . . . like taking trash cans out, making my bed . . . oh, and changing light bulbs-lol

I can cook, clean (laundry/ dishes), do all means of self care. Not to brag, but it takes time and the right frame of mind.

I hope your husband gets out of his funk and into the right groove for his sake and the sake of the family.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, or money's the issue, tough love may be your last option. Tell him to 'step up' because this thing didn't just affect him, but the whole family!

Let us know how things are shaping up

[C Herod]

He had about 2 months in patient and about a month of outpatient. That's it. He has severe spasms so they basically said there was no more they could do for him. Assholes. He can do a lot more than at first. It's getting better, but he refuses to take anti depressents. He says they make him feel weird and sleepy.

qbounce, on Jun 3 2008, 05:10 PM, said:

Hi Herod,

How much therapy HAS he had?
I thought I was cut loose to soon after injury also, until I kept trying. 2 1/2 yrs. post and through trial and error I'm living alone, and only need assistance for the bigger things . . . like taking trash cans out, making my bed . . . oh, and changing light bulbs-lol

I can cook, clean (laundry/ dishes), do all means of self care. Not to brag, but it takes time and the right frame of mind.

I hope your husband gets out of his funk and into the right groove for his sake and the sake of the family.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, or money's the issue, tough love may be your last option. Tell him to 'step up' because this thing didn't just affect him, but the whole family!

Let us know how things are shaping up

He won't take the antidepressants. He says that make him feel tired. He's weak and tired all the time anyways so just take the damn things. Thats what i think.

YYZ, on Jun 3 2008, 03:42 PM, said:

He may be clinically depressed and need antidepressants to come back from the abyss. It is not always just a bad attitude--it can be a chemical imbalance issue.

YYZ

[C Herod]

It's not to late really. They just won't do it because he has severe spasms. What do they know. Can't get rid of spasms w/o insurance. No money for counselling of course either. He refuses to take antidepressents so i dont know what to do. He got like 2 months in patient and like 5 weeks out patient therapy and even that was about 6 or 8 months after accident. He was in the hospital for 7 days. They booted him straight to a horrible nursing home. Which i took care of him at myself. those places are a damn joke. They didnt teach me crap. He came home and i went into labor the next freaking morning. No lie. The system sucks. We can't get any help. Social Security dosen't kick in until like 2 1/2 years after your disabled. We still have another year to go. What a damn joke. Sorry, but that had to be said. I feel better now.

trinity, on Jun 2 2008, 09:39 PM, said:

Hi C Herod

I don't know how thew US system of insurance works but is it too late for him to have some proper rehab? Not only could he learn some independence but it may also give him a sense of achievement and worth. Some counselling would probably be of benefit but obviously you can't force him to do aything he doesn't want too. Have you spoken to him about this and does he understand how you're feeling?

Trinity X

[squarie41]

wow u guys get it bad social security steps in as soon as anyone becomes disabled and also we get a carers pension for looking after them,not much money but at least some.
my hubby is on antidepressants has been for about 6 months now they helped to start with but now hes back to how he was,so not sure if we shouldd get them bumped up to stronger ones but hes still in denial looking into stemcell even tho we tried it once already,wont do much,only just got him to do dishes this week as im trying tuff love like everyone has suggetsed as im sick of being the only one who cares if he has self respect,he wouldnt do his own bowels untill 2 months ago,i dress him get him up,help shower get his food drive him around and watch him sit on a computer all day,then go to bed and watch movies.he really needs a life and so do i and hes only a t6/7 so hes capable of a lot more but wont,well u would think he is as its been 3 years and i know a few paras that can do a lot more than him but he doesnt want to try as he says he cant,he should read these forums and he would know he could if he gave it a try.

[tinamarie]

C. Herod,

Can he get Medicaid? I don't have it, but was advised it's a good thing to have for paralyzed people. I'd like to hear others' opinions on this.

tinamarie

[C Herod]

i know what you mean. i do everything for my hubby to. everything. he does try, but his hands and arms are messed up to. his spasms make his progress limited. he is looking in stem cells stuff to. he wants to go to germany and have it done. i don't know ya never know, but i try to tell him he can't depend on it. he wants to walk again so bad, and i dont blame him. i want him to walk again to, but i look at it like if he dosent that ok and great if he does ya know. i make my husband do stuff all the time and sometimes he can and can't do it, but i try to atleast get him to try. why not. i work now so we did finally get a kind of medicaid that pays for a caregiver and i love it. she cleans and baths him. such a big help. i have to get up extra early for bowel stuff, but it is such a help, and it does me good to get out of the house. he hates it though. he wants me there 24/7. no one can take care of him like i can he says. we watch a lot of movie to and he is always on the computer. dosent have any ambition about getting a job or anything. hello we need money.




[quote name='squarie41' post='61103' date='Jun 3 2008, 08:10 PM']
wow u guys get it bad social security steps in as soon as anyone becomes disabled and also we get a carers pension for looking after them,not much money but at least some.
my hubby is on antidepressants has been for about 6 months now they helped to start with but now hes back to how he was,so not sure if we shouldd get them bumped up to stronger ones but hes still in denial looking into stemcell even tho we tried it once already,wont do much,only just got him to do dishes this week as im trying tuff love like everyone has suggetsed as im sick of being the only one who cares if he has self respect,he wouldnt do his own bowels untill 2 months ago,i dress him get him up,help shower get his food drive him around and watch him sit on a computer all day,then go to bed and watch movies.he really needs a life and so do i and hes only a t6/7 so hes capable of a lot more but wont,well u would think he is as its been 3 years and i know a few paras that can do a lot more than him but he doesnt want to try as he says he cant,he should read these forums and he would know he could if he gave it a try.
[/quote]


He can't get the medicaid he really needs. What he gets in social security alone is to much to get it. He does have a certain kind, but it is only for a cargiver so i can work. It helps but its not enough. Atleast i can work and get out of the house, and a break from it all. You have to have barely anything to get adult medicaid unless your pregnant or something. It's crazy.



quote name='tinamarie' date='Jun 3 2008, 08:51 PM' post='61109']
C. Herod,

Can he get Medicaid? I don't have it, but was advised it's a good thing to have for paralyzed people. I'd like to hear others' opinions on this.

tinamarie
[/quote]

[squarie41]

We went to india for 3 months and tried stemcell,it worked on so many people while we were there but they were lower breaks but i have seen some great things happen,as i met a few quads that have been having the treatment for years and its helped heaps as they can move things they couldnt before but it takes lots of money hard work .My hubby could only wee by catherter before we went but now he wees all the time,he cant feel it but can void nearly all his urine out and has to wear teena underwear and also his bowels work better,his back is stronger and he has weird feeling he didnt before and also when i rub his feet his toes all move they didnt do that before either,not great things but to him they are.He is looking at going to china next but again its the money its so dear but we will try and fund raise again.
Meanwhile ill try and keep him trying to do things even tho he wont lol,and hope that one day soon they will do stemcell clinical trials in australia as the bill has been passed its just a matter of waiting game now.

[C Herod]

My bad he get social security money wise. Not enough of course but he gets it. It is medicare that he won't get for 2 Years.

squarie41, on Jun 3 2008, 08:10 PM, said:

wow u guys get it bad social security steps in as soon as anyone becomes disabled and also we get a carers pension for looking after them,not much money but at least some.
my hubby is on antidepressants has been for about 6 months now they helped to start with but now hes back to how he was,so not sure if we shouldd get them bumped up to stronger ones but hes still in denial looking into stemcell even tho we tried it once already,wont do much,only just got him to do dishes this week as im trying tuff love like everyone has suggetsed as im sick of being the only one who cares if he has self respect,he wouldnt do his own bowels untill 2 months ago,i dress him get him up,help shower get his food drive him around and watch him sit on a computer all day,then go to bed and watch movies.he really needs a life and so do i and hes only a t6/7 so hes capable of a lot more but wont,well u would think he is as its been 3 years and i know a few paras that can do a lot more than him but he doesnt want to try as he says he cant,he should read these forums and he would know he could if he gave it a try.

Have you heard anything about Germany stem cell research. They do it there also. That is where my husband wants to go, but again its so expensive. I just wonder if money wouldnt be better spent on more therapy. I don't know though. I mean any lil improvement would be great to my husband and me. I just don't want him to be let down. ya know

squarie41, on Jun 3 2008, 11:19 PM, said:

We went to india for 3 months and tried stemcell,it worked on so many people while we were there but they were lower breaks but i have seen some great things happen,as i met a few quads that have been having the treatment for years and its helped heaps as they can move things they couldnt before but it takes lots of money hard work .My hubby could only wee by catherter before we went but now he wees all the time,he cant feel it but can void nearly all his urine out and has to wear teena underwear and also his bowels work better,his back is stronger and he has weird feeling he didnt before and also when i rub his feet his toes all move they didnt do that before either,not great things but to him they are.He is looking at going to china next but again its the money its so dear but we will try and fund raise again.
Meanwhile ill try and keep him trying to do things even tho he wont lol,and hope that one day soon they will do stemcell clinical trials in australia as the bill has been passed its just a matter of waiting game now.

[Zammo]

Just a thought, but whilst your partners are reliant upon you perhaps they feel that there is little chance that you will leave them. Once they start demonstrating to you that they are becoming self-reliant then they may worry that there is more chance that you will be able to leave them 'guilt-free'.

In a strange kind of way, allowing you to do all the work gives them a sense of security in the relationship. It might be shit, but at least you are around and you won't be leaving.

I only suggest this because I am 2 1/2 years post-SCI and my wife is in the process of leaving me. I sometimes wonder whether there was an element of waiting for me to get to the point where I could look after myself. I certainly went through a negative period where I let her do almost everything (though she never did my bowels, she only ever stuck her finger up my bum for fun!) And it eventually was too much and the love we had was extinguished. We're still on good terms and are both much happier now that we have got a chance to meet new partners.

[tinamarie]

C Herod,

Has he tried medicine for his spasms? I'm still trying to figure out what qualifies a person for the different kinds of Medicaid. I'd at least like the kind that you have that covers a caregiver. Does the Medicaid that you have cover any kinds of medicines or supplies? Thanks,

tinamarie

[tinamarie]

Hi C Herod,

Another thought. How much of a chance did he give the anti-depressants? Did he understand that it can take some trial and error to find one that is right for him? For example, I started on one, but then it was changed to another and I was told to take it right before bed, so that it had the best chance of helping me sleep through the night, but NOT make me sleepy during the day.

tinamarie

[squarie41]

no havnt heard anything from the germany stemcell,but will look into it for u if u want,china doing so great things.

[C Herod]

i found info already. my husband wants to go there. we were approved and everything. just need money. I was just wondering if anyone heard any good things from germany or not. thank you
though

squarie41, on Jun 4 2008, 08:18 PM, said:

no havnt heard anything from the germany stemcell,but will look into it for u if u want,china doing so great things.

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

Your hubby needs to see/talk with my hubby. Mike does a lot and is very happy. Plz see us at our websites below.

Lorena