17 replies to this topic

[C Herod]

Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I don't know where else to turn. My husband was in a car accident almost 2yrs. ago. SCI c6/c7. I have struggled with his depression, and i know it is hard for him. We have been together for a very long time, and I love him deeply. I was 8 Months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his accident. Our daughter is the only thing that keeps him going i think. I worry about him hurting him self. He dosen't want to live his life in that damn chair. I try to be strong and positive, and I feel like i'm always the rock. I don't know what else i can do or say to help him. He is depressed all the time. Always look at the negitive of things. Like what he can't do. I try to keep him positive, and up beat. I tell him to keep his head up. I can't always be there. I have to work and I have kids to take care off. This has happened to all of us, and it may sound mean, but i feel like he is being selfish. Only thinking of his self. Not his family who have been there with him thru all this shit. We have stuck by him no matter what. This happened to all of us. It's been hard for all of us. Not just him. I try to be patient, but i can't live in this dark depressed world with him forever. Our children and I don't deserve it. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free. He needs something.

[topperf]

Hi C.

Somedays i feel totally useless, and those days are the worst.
I recken he might be having thoughts like that?
You' re probably already doing this, but keep reminding him how much he means to you and your family.

best of everything.

t.

[BillyBouf]

Hi there,
If he is C6/C7 life is far from over. 2yrs into this he needs to get off his pity-pot. Maybe he doesn't have the resources he needs to get past this. I can tell him where to go - www.quadrugby.com . There a tons of C6/C7 quads that are living happy successful lives. Now he may not want to play rugby, that is fine. But the people that do play this sport are a great bunch of guys/gals that have been through everything he's gone through and have gotten past the "woe-is-me" stage and moved on. I am a C6/C7 quad, 27 years post injury (I'm 45). I work full time and live a pretty good life. Yes I play quad rugby. We all have our ups and downs but life is what you make it. Has he watched the movie Murderball? if not, watch it. He'll probably at first have a bunch of words for us but hopefully something will click inside his head and make him realize he's got a wonderful wife and kids that need him to get his butt and gear and be an active part of their lives. i have endless resources if you want more information. you can contact me at billybouf@yahoo.com if you want to chat off this forum. I'm not sure where you are located but i'm sure i have friends within arms reach of you.

I don't mean to sound hard but you have stuck by him when many others would have left. he owes it to you to be the best he can be. sure life will be a struggle at times but it could be A LOT worse!!!

take care and good luck!

Bill

[C Herod]

Wow somebody who thinks like me. We have both seen the movie murderball. I think it did help at first, but he is just not happy. i keep telling him this is the way it's gonna be and he just has to suck it up and move on. It doesn't work. I've tried tough love. Nothing. I'm losing my patience with him. I can't live my life in the dark. I've heard the first 2 years are the hardest, and were not quiet at the 2 yrs mark yet, but i just hope it gets better. I think if we could afford to get him a vehicle he might feel more independant ya know. Right now he is stuck at home everyday by his self while i'm at work. Poor guy he can't go anywhere. I don't know i feel bad for him, but i really just want us to be happy. I can deal with the chair but he can't. thanks

BillyBouf, on Jun 4 2008, 05:56 PM, said:

Hi there,
If he is C6/C7 life is far from over. 2yrs into this he needs to get off his pity-pot. Maybe he doesn't have the resources he needs to get past this. I can tell him where to go - www.quadrugby.com . There a tons of C6/C7 quads that are living happy successful lives. Now he may not want to play rugby, that is fine. But the people that do play this sport are a great bunch of guys/gals that have been through everything he's gone through and have gotten past the "woe-is-me" stage and moved on. I am a C6/C7 quad, 27 years post injury (I'm 45). I work full time and live a pretty good life. Yes I play quad rugby. We all have our ups and downs but life is what you make it. Has he watched the movie Murderball? if not, watch it. He'll probably at first have a bunch of words for us but hopefully something will click inside his head and make him realize he's got a wonderful wife and kids that need him to get his butt and gear and be an active part of their lives. i have endless resources if you want more information. you can contact me at billybouf@yahoo.com if you want to chat off this forum. I'm not sure where you are located but i'm sure i have friends within arms reach of you.

I don't mean to sound hard but you have stuck by him when many others would have left. he owes it to you to be the best he can be. sure life will be a struggle at times but it could be A LOT worse!!!

take care and good luck!

Bill

[eleanorigby]

Hi, I was just wondering if your husband ever suffered from depression before his accident. If he is clinically depressed, he is not just going to "get over it". People who are truly suffering from depression (which is different from being sad over your situation) need professional help as they are unable to get out of their own heads. They cannot see the positive things and wil not cheer up quickly. His depression could have been triggered by the accident, but it sounds like it's beyond that now. He may need medication or some type of talk therapy. My dad has dealt with depression for years and the symproms you're describing sound very similar to his (and he's AB). I get so frustrated with him because he brings down the whole family, he makes it very difficult to be around him. It makes me feel very helpless. I think you need to seek out professional help as soon as possible.

[carole338]

In my pre SCI life I didn't even take aspirin. I was never depressed. Since my SCI I take a very low dosage of Lexapro. It keeps away just enough of the blues to get me through and doesn't put me in space.

good luck,
Carole

[C Herod]

Yes he was depressed before his accident, and now it's just worse. It does bring everyone else down. I hate it, because a lot of people don't want to be around him because of it. I know what you mean.

eleanorigby, on Jun 4 2008, 11:39 PM, said:

Hi, I was just wondering if your husband ever suffered from depression before his accident. If he is clinically depressed, he is not just going to "get over it". People who are truly suffering from depression (which is different from being sad over your situation) need professional help as they are unable to get out of their own heads. They cannot see the positive things and wil not cheer up quickly. His depression could have been triggered by the accident, but it sounds like it's beyond that now. He may need medication or some type of talk therapy. My dad has dealt with depression for years and the symproms you're describing sound very similar to his (and he's AB). I get so frustrated with him because he brings down the whole family, he makes it very difficult to be around him. It makes me feel very helpless. I think you need to seek out professional help as soon as possible.

[DB_Cooper]

C Herod, on Jun 2 2008, 02:55 PM, said:

/Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I don't know where else to turn. My husband was in a car accident almost 2yrs. ago. SCI c6/c7. I have struggled with his depression, and i know it is hard for him. We have been together for a very long time, and I love him deeply. I was 8 Months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his accident. Our daughter is the only thing that keeps him going i think. I worry about him hurting him self. He dosen't want to live his life in that damn chair. I try to be strong and positive, and I feel like i'm always the rock. I don't know what else i can do or say to help him. He is depressed all the time. Always look at the negitive of things. Like what he can't do. I try to keep him positive, and up beat. I tell him to keep his head up. I can't always be there. I have to work and I have kids to take care off. This has happened to all of us, and it may sound mean, but i feel like he is being selfish. Only thinking of his self. Not his family who have been there with him thru all this shit. We have stuck by him no matter what. This happened to all of us. It's been hard for all of us. Not just him. I try to be patient, but i can't live in this dark depressed world with him forever. Our children and I don't deserve it. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free. He needs something. /

Hey C , you have gotten alot of great replies so-far. I was very depressed when I first came home from rehab. Mostly that I wasted two and a half months in rehab not being taught anything about how to handle myself. I was heavily "sedated", so I assumed I would be taught "tomorrow".
My wife, 'bless her heart' was the hard-ass I needed at the time. She wouldn't allow me to be depressed. Sure I do get a little down at times, but it goes away. Now I'm sounding like the cry-baby she says I was.
Have him get professional help or non pro help. there a thousand orginizations available. You do deserve better than this! The children deserve better.
(and I appologize, my wound car nurse just walked in, so...I'll have to close for now.)(it was drivil anyway) Hang tough.
--J

[eleanorigby]

Hey C, I just thought I'd check in and see how you and your husband are doing and if you've made any decisions about how to deal with his depression. I really hope you got some help. My mom finally broke down and forced my dad to go to the doctor for his depression, lol. Poor lady, she just couldn't take it anymore. Tough love can work for some people, but I just have a gut feeling your husband needs more help than you can give him (and that's a hard position to be in). Does he work anymore or does he just sit at home? Whenever I have nothing to make me feel like my life has some meaning or reason, I get super sad. I'm a c6c7 incomplete and I work, go to college and manage a little bit of a social life, so it is possible! Two years into the injury may seem like he's had lots of time to adjust, but it's taken me 11 years to get to this point. During the first 3 or 4 years, I was still a mess and I didn't even realize how much of a mess at the time. I thought I was coping well back then, but now I look back on it and just shudder. Maybe he doesn't realize life can get better and even be good one day.

[C Herod]

eleanorigby, on Jun 9 2008, 01:07 AM, said:

Hey C, I just thought I'd check in and see how you and your husband are doing and if you've made any decisions about how to deal with his depression. I really hope you got some help. My mom finally broke down and forced my dad to go to the doctor for his depression, lol. Poor lady, she just couldn't take it anymore. Tough love can work for some people, but I just have a gut feeling your husband needs more help than you can give him (and that's a hard position to be in). Does he work anymore or does he just sit at home? Whenever I have nothing to make me feel like my life has some meaning or reason, I get super sad. I'm a c6c7 incomplete and I work, go to college and manage a little bit of a social life, so it is possible! Two years into the injury may seem like he's had lots of time to adjust, but it's taken me 11 years to get to this point. During the first 3 or 4 years, I was still a mess and I didn't even realize how much of a mess at the time. I thought I was coping well back then, but now I look back on it and just shudder. Maybe he doesn't realize life can get better and even be good one day.

thank you for your concern. he hasn't really gotten any help. its hard when u have no insurance, or money to get some help. he won't take anti depressents, or anything. he says he takes enough pills as it is. as of right now. he has been a little bit better as far as his moods. i guess we have our good and bad days ya know. he just sits at home so it does leave a lot of room for depression. i will keep fighting a good fight. and see if he can snap out of it.

[curbyi]

Hi C

Well this really is a really tough situation and you are in my thoughts.
I have to say you have really restored my faith in women, you are an absolute diamond.
As previous posters have already alluded too, the depression seems to be more deep rooted than just the implications of the injury.
I would say only from my experience with my Dad, medication could be a way of helping the situation.
But since you have already stated, with no health benefits that isn't going to be easy.
I really cannot get my head round the situation in America in terms of health care provision for it's citizens.
It seems incomprehensible

I appreciate that you have probably tried everything that I am going to suggest but here goes anyway.

You mentioned a daughter, a precious daughter and like Bill mentioned, try and get across to him he has a responsibility to you and also to his children that with you he bought into this world.
Try to get across to him that the children love him unconditionally and do not really care whether he's in a wheelchair or not.
They just care that he is there full stop and for other milestones such as to see Her/Them Graduate, go to the prom be a grandad for her children etc etc (sorry I'm English so all such contextual knowledge of teenagers at school comes from TV )

Keep plugging away.

All the best

Sean

[Cathy]

curbyi, on Jul 29 2008, 08:31 PM, said:

Hi C

Well this really is a really tough situation and you are in my thoughts.
I have to say you have really restored my faith in women, you are an absolute diamond.
As previous posters have already alluded too, the depression seems to be more deep rooted than just the implications of the injury.
I would say only from my experience with my Dad, medication could be a way of helping the situation.
But since you have already stated, with no health benefits that isn't going to be easy.
I really cannot get my head round the situation in America in terms of health care provision for it's citizens.
It seems incomprehensible

I appreciate that you have probably tried everything that I am going to suggest but here goes anyway.

You mentioned a daughter, a precious daughter and like Bill mentioned, try and get across to him he has a responsibility to you and also to his children that with you he bought into this world.
Try to get across to him that the children love him unconditionally and do not really care whether he's in a wheelchair or not.
They just care that he is there full stop and for other milestones such as to see Her/Them Graduate, go to the prom be a grandad for her children etc etc (sorry I'm English so all such contextual knowledge of teenagers at school comes from TV )

Keep plugging away.

All the best

Sean

Hi,
I am new to this group. I had the opposite happen to me. Maybe my story can help you.
I was angry with the world for having very bad meniere's disease, ending up in an abusive relationship, getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, taking care of ailing father (who was abusive when i was growing up) 2 husbands later, 3 sons who tormented me through their teenage years and a family who was so selfish they didn't care. I suffered from my first bad back injury and I was warned never to get another injury or I might not walk. Well I was mad, angry and the one man who stood by me, I beat up verbally and emotionally all the time. I hated the world, i hated not being able to see straight or hear right, i hated the world for everything that has happened to me. And then my father died and my rich family fought over the money, I had nothing, i lived in a car with this man who cared for me. I hated the world more now. I finally got a job and an apartment and the maintenace guy tried to steel a tv cable out of my flat screen tv. He hoists the tv into the air and i ran across the room and yelled. he dropped the tv on me, i caught it and couldnt get it off of me. I was stuck in a bent over position with a 60 lb tv. You can imgaine the damage it did to my back, 3 hospitals later (that was in March 08) and surgery I can barely walk. I suffered a pain of my legs being twisted out of my body for weeks. Eventually the surgery helped the pain, but now I can hardly walk, i have pain all the time, muscle spasms, rocks in my feet, and tons of other problems along with my Meniere's disease, that doesn't seem so important anymore. I have lost all my anger and hatred! I am no longer mean or depressed. I know God helped me. I have kindness back. I pray to God all the time for strength and hope. I am not even religious. I went through a lot and I believe it is all for a reason. I am now surrounded by new neighbors, one is a minister, and the other in the church. Which is even odder. I guess what i am saying is that praying to God may not be your husbands thing, but it can be yours. Ask him to show you the right way and help you, your children and your husband. It will shine light on a dark situation. I also think your husband may need to see other people who are worse off than he is, talk to them, see them, feel their pain. He is not alone. I felt alone for along time. Not anymore. I hope this helps you. Negative thinking brings on more negativity. Positive outlook, brings on positive feedback. You need to be with positive, caring people. You need to bring him around those types of people. It makes a big difference. I am not a counselor, just human. Let me know if there is anything else i can do, even just talking helps.

Cathy

[Dave Bishopstone]

C Herod, on Jun 9 2008, 08:15 PM, said:

eleanorigby, on Jun 9 2008, 01:07 AM, said:

Hey C, I just thought I'd check in and see how you and your husband are doing and if you've made any decisions about how to deal with his depression. I really hope you got some help. My mom finally broke down and forced my dad to go to the doctor for his depression, lol. Poor lady, she just couldn't take it anymore. Tough love can work for some people, but I just have a gut feeling your husband needs more help than you can give him (and that's a hard position to be in). Does he work anymore or does he just sit at home? Whenever I have nothing to make me feel like my life has some meaning or reason, I get super sad. I'm a c6c7 incomplete and I work, go to college and manage a little bit of a social life, so it is possible! Two years into the injury may seem like he's had lots of time to adjust, but it's taken me 11 years to get to this point. During the first 3 or 4 years, I was still a mess and I didn't even realize how much of a mess at the time. I thought I was coping well back then, but now I look back on it and just shudder. Maybe he doesn't realize life can get better and even be good one day.

thank you for your concern. he hasn't really gotten any help. its hard when u have no insurance, or money to get some help. he won't take anti depressents, or anything. he says he takes enough pills as it is. as of right now. he has been a little bit better as far as his moods. i guess we have our good and bad days ya know. he just sits at home so it does leave a lot of room for depression. i will keep fighting a good fight. and see if he can snap out of it.

Hi,

You use an interesting phrase "and see if can snap out of it". In short your husband can't snap out of it - it is so deep seated and you have to unpick little by little to get to the heart of his feelings. I suspect that your husband is feeling a loss of self esteem, he feels useless and a burden maybe. Clearly you love him and seemingly he doesn't see it, the injury is getting in the way. In common with most men he has a need to feel 'needed', though I doubt that that's exclusive to our gender. Convincing him that he is still 'top dog' still needed in the family might help to restore some of the value he feels he has lost.

He has a lot of issues to work through, but more than that you both have issues to work through together, neither is going to happen overnight, medication might only mask the problem and in any event seeking medical treatment for any depression can only be initiated by him. Don't be afraid to tell him how you are feeling, its a partnership of equals and let him know that.

The greatest tool you have is your love for each other - the next tool, is that of patience - may you both be blessed with both in good measure!

[caringsister]

C Herod, on Jun 2 2008, 07:55 PM, said:

Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I don't know where else to turn. My husband was in a car accident almost 2yrs. ago. SCI c6/c7. I have struggled with his depression, and i know it is hard for him. We have been together for a very long time, and I love him deeply. I was 8 Months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his accident. Our daughter is the only thing that keeps him going i think. I worry about him hurting him self. He dosen't want to live his life in that damn chair. I try to be strong and positive, and I feel like i'm always the rock. I don't know what else i can do or say to help him. He is depressed all the time. Always look at the negitive of things. Like what he can't do. I try to keep him positive, and up beat. I tell him to keep his head up. I can't always be there. I have to work and I have kids to take care off. This has happened to all of us, and it may sound mean, but i feel like he is being selfish. Only thinking of his self. Not his family who have been there with him thru all this shit. We have stuck by him no matter what. This happened to all of us. It's been hard for all of us. Not just him. I try to be patient, but i can't live in this dark depressed world with him forever. Our children and I don't deserve it. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free. He needs something.

Hi, I am also new to this site but i kinda now what your going through. My 19 year old sister has been in a wheelchair since her accident a little over two years ago. Its true when you say 'this happened to all of us" because thats how my parents and I feel. It's a hard situation and I don't have any solutions but my suggestions are: talking to someone either toghether or seperate and to others in simuar situations mabey your husband needs someone to vent to..lots of physical therapy to build as much muscle as possible..and do activities that he can participate in, like swimming, movies, games..I wish I had more ideas but like you my family also is living a depressed life and we wish for stem cell reaserch to come to the US so mabey my sister can one day walk again.

[john S.]

Your husband is clinically depressed and needs to see a psychologist. You may need to see the same one. He isn't going to move on without a shove and he needs to get past the phases of loss. Then he needs to get a job and start living again. Even volunteer work can create self-esteem.

Best Wishes,
john

C Herod, on Jun 2 2008, 03:55 PM, said:

Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I don't know where else to turn. My husband was in a car accident almost 2yrs. ago. SCI c6/c7. I have struggled with his depression, and i know it is hard for him. We have been together for a very long time, and I love him deeply. I was 8 Months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his accident. Our daughter is the only thing that keeps him going i think. I worry about him hurting him self. He dosen't want to live his life in that damn chair. I try to be strong and positive, and I feel like i'm always the rock. I don't know what else i can do or say to help him. He is depressed all the time. Always look at the negitive of things. Like what he can't do. I try to keep him positive, and up beat. I tell him to keep his head up. I can't always be there. I have to work and I have kids to take care off. This has happened to all of us, and it may sound mean, but i feel like he is being selfish. Only thinking of his self. Not his family who have been there with him thru all this shit. We have stuck by him no matter what. This happened to all of us. It's been hard for all of us. Not just him. I try to be patient, but i can't live in this dark depressed world with him forever. Our children and I don't deserve it. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free. He needs something.

[john S.]

Your husband is clinically depressed and needs to see a psychologist. You may need to see the same one. He isn't going to move on without a shove and he needs to get past the phases of loss. Then he needs to get a job and start living again. Even volunteer work can create self-esteem.

Best Wishes,
john

C Herod, on Jun 2 2008, 03:55 PM, said:

Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I don't know where else to turn. My husband was in a car accident almost 2yrs. ago. SCI c6/c7. I have struggled with his depression, and i know it is hard for him. We have been together for a very long time, and I love him deeply. I was 8 Months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his accident. Our daughter is the only thing that keeps him going i think. I worry about him hurting him self. He dosen't want to live his life in that damn chair. I try to be strong and positive, and I feel like i'm always the rock. I don't know what else i can do or say to help him. He is depressed all the time. Always look at the negitive of things. Like what he can't do. I try to keep him positive, and up beat. I tell him to keep his head up. I can't always be there. I have to work and I have kids to take care off. This has happened to all of us, and it may sound mean, but i feel like he is being selfish. Only thinking of his self. Not his family who have been there with him thru all this shit. We have stuck by him no matter what. This happened to all of us. It's been hard for all of us. Not just him. I try to be patient, but i can't live in this dark depressed world with him forever. Our children and I don't deserve it. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free. He needs something.

[Courtney]

C- How independant is your husband? Do you do everything for him? (Getting things for him that he can get himself..etc) Something that I really have to work on with my husband (granted we are only 4 months post injury) is making sure that he does everything that he can possibly do by himself (Sometimes it's really hard to not do everything for your spouse). I don't care to make him a sandwich, but he goes and gets everything out of the refridgerator (granted it may take him a little longer to get his food, but he doesn't feel waited on hand and foot) A mans' (or woman's for that matter) need to feel like a contributing member of the household or to feel independant is a pretty strong one. Have him take out the trash, do laundry, use a barbell strap (I don't know the actual name of the adaptive deivce for this) and strap a hairbrush in it so he can help get your daughter ready in the morning.....anything that will make him feel more independant and helpful. My husband has good days and bad days (as do I) but we try to make sure that the good days outnumber the bad ones...I keep reminding him how much the children and I love and NEED him and that he's going to have to help me with our grandchildren (eventually!) Sitting around the house will make him very depressed. Is there any sort of community services that will take him places (to the children's school to volunteer perhaps) If there is a "senior citizen center" of sorts that provides transportation, they will usually transport people with a disability for a fee...we have a community service center in our very small town that will take my husband anywhere in the city limits for $2 one way.......

[janine]

Hi there

My heart goes out to you because I have been in exactly the same boat. My husband is a c4 which means he does not have use of his hands. I have the world of respect for you to keep going like you are with 3 kids and him to look after. My husbands accident happened when I was 30 Im 39 now and dont have kids. I found it took him about 4 years to settle down. The first two years is the hardest. Just a tip You must look after yourself first take time out for yourself and dont be supermom and woman. I learnt this over time. In the beginning I did everything and eventually it became too hard and too much. He now has his carers although I still look after him.

Is your husband working? This is very important. Does he have use of his hands? Is he on antidepressants? The most important thing to remember it takes time to adjust and I know my husbands depression drove me nuts and still does from time to time. You have to take things one day at a time because it does get better. I know through my own experience. You also have to be hard and strict with him. This I learnt over time as well. Please email me anytime as its always good to talk to someone else whos been in the same position. We live in South Africa. My personal email is jennae@vodamail.co.za

Regards