6 replies to this topic

[Lianne]

Hi. I just stumbled on this site the other day. What a great site. My husband and I have been married 18 years and he became paraplegic ten years ago. I think his injury is L-1. He was hunting and shot by his best friend. We have been through ten years of some ups and mostly downs. He has gambling, drug and rage problems so it can be a challenge. I am not ready to walk away just yet so I try not to whine too much about my situation but lately it seems like his rage is out of control. It was probably about four years before we saw his friend who shot him and he was able to face us. Since then for the last three or four years he has been a constant presence in our house. I am starting to think this is fueling the rage. We have never expressly blamed him for what was a stupid accident. But I think that maybe he has been suppressing anger towards his friend all this time and now it is starting to come out, but of course it is directed at me the safe one and not his friend. Also, we have a three year old and he is very bitter about all the things that he "can't do". Even though he can do a lot. I think he has this fantasy about what a father is supposed to do and if he can't do some of those (like piggy-back rides, etc.) then he gets really bitter. Do you think there is any chance he will come out the other side on this or if it hasn't happened in ten years will it never happen. I'm just not sure what to think. He was recently diagnosed with bi-polar and has been taking meds for that and it did help some with his anger/irritability but I still think there is way more going on inside that he won't admit that is fueling his behavior. Sorry for the long post, but I've been thinking about this and not really had anyone to talk to about it. Thanks for reading.

Lianne

[kdenon01]

I think that if he has been this way for 10 years...he's probably not going to just come out of it.


Maybe he should try some counseling or something. If you have stood by his side for this long, there must be something keeping you there. I just think that after 10 years, he should probably start to accept his injury and stop being angry. He needs to look at all of the great things that he CAN do...instead of dwelling on what he can't do. He needs to do it for you and for your child...and for HIMSELF.

[C Herod]

I'm so sorry for you situation. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It sounds like you guys might have had some issues before the accident. Me and my husband had a lot of the same issues before, and since his accident they've gotten worse. I could be wrong though. Our daughter is 15months and my husband to is very bitter about not being able to do certain things with her. In my opinion i doubt your husband will change. It's been so long and still no change. Just like i don't think my husband will change, but i still keep waiting and waiting to see if he will. I just hope that we don't waste our lives waiting. I would like to live a happy life sometime or another. We have some good times but mostly depressed and bad days. I want our kids to be happy. We have to put them first, and i for one don't want their dads moods to effect the way they grow up.
Good luck and god bless!

Lianne, on Jun 4 2008, 10:42 PM, said:

Hi. I just stumbled on this site the other day. What a great site. My husband and I have been married 18 years and he became paraplegic ten years ago. I think his injury is L-1. He was hunting and shot by his best friend. We have been through ten years of some ups and mostly downs. He has gambling, drug and rage problems so it can be a challenge. I am not ready to walk away just yet so I try not to whine too much about my situation but lately it seems like his rage is out of control. It was probably about four years before we saw his friend who shot him and he was able to face us. Since then for the last three or four years he has been a constant presence in our house. I am starting to think this is fueling the rage. We have never expressly blamed him for what was a stupid accident. But I think that maybe he has been suppressing anger towards his friend all this time and now it is starting to come out, but of course it is directed at me the safe one and not his friend. Also, we have a three year old and he is very bitter about all the things that he "can't do". Even though he can do a lot. I think he has this fantasy about what a father is supposed to do and if he can't do some of those (like piggy-back rides, etc.) then he gets really bitter. Do you think there is any chance he will come out the other side on this or if it hasn't happened in ten years will it never happen. I'm just not sure what to think. He was recently diagnosed with bi-polar and has been taking meds for that and it did help some with his anger/irritability but I still think there is way more going on inside that he won't admit that is fueling his behavior. Sorry for the long post, but I've been thinking about this and not really had anyone to talk to about it. Thanks for reading.

Lianne

[Lianne]

I think you guys are both right. It is doubtful things will change although I too keep hoping. I waiver between staying and going but I have no interest in not letting him be with his daughter all the time and at the same time I recognize that it can't be good for her to have all this anger around her. C Herod I think it sounds like we have similar situations. You are right that we did have issues before his accident. Part of the problem is I have less patience with his moods because of our daughter. I finally put her in full-time daycare because I kept having to take off work when he wasn't feeling up to taking care of her. It has been really expensive but my stress level has gone way down. The only good news is that he is finally starting to become a little disgusted with his own behavior. His bi-polar doctor gave him the name of a psychologist and he is thinking about going. The problem is that if he feels upbeat enough to keep an appointment with a counselor he dismisses his negative feelings as not as bad as they are, and when he is in a mood there is no way he would go see anyone.

Thanks for responding. Its nice to know others can get frustrated too.

[SharonN]

Lianne: You certainly do have a lot to deal with. (My husband is bi-polar, but doing well after many years of struggle.)
My son was paralyzed three years ago. C-4 total. He has done marvellously well in dealing with his injury. Much better than
I would have expected. He had some anger about things in his life before the accident. Afterwards, he seemed to let it go,
which was wonderful. Now he's angry again. But not at the injury. I think that could be what he's really angry about but
doesn't realize it. It seems to be getting worse. I've been wondering about the connection between anger and paralysis.

I would think that anyone with such a traumatic injury would require conselling therapy. I think it should be a mandatory
part of their therapy, although nothing is mandatory I guess. It's understandable they would feel anger. Probably at a lot
of things. But it's difficult to know how to deal with it. It's very sad. It affects everyone.

My son expresses frustration because he can't do certain things. But he has learned to do so much that he is pleased with.
As Kdenon01 said, it's very important to focus on the positive things. It really could be so much worse.

[Tetracyclone]

Asking if your hubby might change is an invitation for us all to gamble. In truth, no one knows, but we do know that it makes no sense to stay in a marriage because you hope it will change. You can also go, then welcome him back if he changes. Nothing motivates a man like loss.

[mcwriter]

Bi-polar disorder is very tricky business. I have relatives and friends diagnosed with this and it takes awhile to get to the correct dosage on the meds. I know for some, the person may not be as faithful to take them regularly if they get into a downward spiral. Some do well and some not so well with administering their own medication.

Since you have stuck it out this long, it may be worth educating yourself about this condition. You cannot deal with these persons as with a person who does not have Bi-polar, their ups and downs are more extreme and they are more sensitive to some things that can cause a change in emotion where their reactions, even their thoughts can lack the degree of control that you or I have.

The meds can even this out so they do not experience these extremes as much. It may be difficult to get your husband to be regular with the meds and hopefully you can supervise to be sure he takes them. The issues you had before his injury may well have been due to this disorder undiagnosed. Hopefully now that this diagnosis has been made, you can see that it has been adding to his difficulty in dealing with his SCI and it might be possible as you educate yourself about it, you can help to educate him as well. It is possible that if he feels like he has some way to explain his outbursts and behavior, he can look forward himself to see that life doesn't have to be as horrible as he feels it is.

It might just be a step toward hope to try to lovingly discuss it when he is on an upswing. Don't even try it on a downswing, as it would be perceived as confrontational and probably promote more anger. One does not get a grip on a chemical imbalance just out of the desire to do so. Waiting for a change isn't going to happen without help.

He will be resistant to change because most men naturally expect themselves to be able 'to do anything'. When they see they cannot meet their own expectations of themselves, it is a rough road for them to deal with inside their own heads. At the same time, they think they are not living up to the expectations that they believe others have for them. They honestly do not realize that our expectations are not the same as theirs.

Just remember that when he is in a downswing, to stay calm and go with the flow as best you can, even if you have to try to distance yourself until it is over. He is in the midst of being overwhelmed and you have to realize what is happening when it happens.

It also may be possible for you to have your own session with the psychologist, so that he can evaluate your family situation in regards to your husband's treatment.

Best wishes to you.