[killakitty]

I am engaged to a c-5 quadriplegic. I love my soon to be mother in law!! She is a wonderful woman. My fiance however clashes with her all the time. He does not know how to deal with her. They never had that great of a relationship to start with. See his mom had a stroke a few years back. After her stroke he had her move in with him. He couldnt deal with the idea of putting her in a nursing home. However he did not know what to expect. Her stroke effected her memory and behavior. She will repeat herself, cry for what he feels is no reason. (Sometimes it is okay to be emotional) She tends to nag him and sometimes makes him feel like he does not do things right. (He does a lot for her. Grocery shops and errands etc.) She is physically able to do things like cook, clean etc. She even enters his room without knocking which bothers him the most. She whines and when he is gone to long, calls him constantly while gone etc. Her personal invasion really has taken a toll on him. He gets angry and frustrated and this caused depression to set in. He has started going to counciling so maybe he can learn to deal with it better. We are working on coping skills for him. We have talked to her about this situation. She puts him on a guilt trip, cries and things stay the same for the most part. He feels that he can not deal with her much longer. He has been coming to my house more often because he feels it is his safe haven. I have offered to move into his house for a little bit to help him cope, maybe help "retrain" her to be more independent. I thought it may take some of the pressure off him. I am in the medical field and have the tolerance to deal with the situation. He feels that is passing off the buck to me. I try telling him that when I took him as my partner I took the role of helpmate also. He still does not want to live with her even if I was there. He wants to move out and away from her. He feels this is the best for him. We want to live together before we are married. However I dont want her to feel like he is picking me over her though. Truth is he is picking him and his sanity. Any suggestions??

[Lucydog]

How old are you, your partner and his mother. How long has he been looking after her?

[killakitty]

Lucydog, on Jun 30 2008, 02:47 PM, said:

How old are you, your partner and his mother. How long has he been looking after her?

I am 33, he is 34 and she is 54 (i think). She had her stroke in 2002.

[Trinity]

Maybe you should consider trying some respite care for her, see how she and your partner deal with that and if it all goes smoothly consider your next move. It may be that regular respite care will give them the break they need and no further action is necessary or they could consider something more permanent. I expect, if she had full insight to her behaviour and the consequences she would be horrified, unfortunatley it appears that the stroke has robbed her of this.
Good Luck
Trinity X

[mstranquiltears]

Since your mother in law is so young maybe she would do well with some rehabilitation to help her be on her own again. Or an assisted living apartment situation, or perhaps find another older lady who would be willing to move in and be her roomate/aid. I found several ladies who were widows who would help out with my mother in law.
My husband and I cared for his mother who has alzhimers for three years before having to break down and place her in a private care home. I wish we had done it from the start. We can go see her every other day and actually enjoy visits rather than being stressed to the point of wanting to kill each other.

[killakitty]

mstranquiltears, on Jul 2 2008, 03:12 AM, said:

Since your mother in law is so young maybe she would do well with some rehabilitation to help her be on her own again. Or an assisted living apartment situation, or perhaps find another older lady who would be willing to move in and be her roomate/aid. I found several ladies who were widows who would help out with my mother in law.
My husband and I cared for his mother who has alzhimers for three years before having to break down and place her in a private care home. I wish we had done it from the start. We can go see her every other day and actually enjoy visits rather than being stressed to the point of wanting to kill each other.

Thank you so much... I actually suggested that after I thought about the situation. We are going to look at it. I just dont want her to feel like he is throwing her to the wind. I dont want any resentment or harsh feelings. She loves me and I love her... I just want the best for her.