[joyjoy]

I have recently become involved with a c5 incomplete quadriplegic, whom I love very much, He wants me and my kids to move in with him, but i am having second thoughts. We recently went out for the day and I was exhausted from lifting wheelchairs in and out of the car 5 times over and pushing him and running back and forward getting food and drinks, as well as caring for and running after the two kids. How do you do this forever. Dont get me wrong, I want to do things for him, I just dont think i am physically capable of this, but I also want to take him out and let him have some fun, instead of being stuck at home watching t.v all day.

[Quad65]

Speaking as a long-term quad, it is daunting for someone to take on the role of caregiver and life-partner. Many folks here advise against this, with some valid reasons. But this is not always possible in all cases. As a couple, you may not be able to afford or find a personal care attendant to handle all his care.

My wife met me years after my accident and we were married. She has helped me with most of my care with a few breaks over the years. It has been a lot of work for her. Knowing that, I've always done absolutely as much as I can for myself and my family to take the burden off her. I do as much of my personal care as physically possible, I worked full-time outside the home until I retired due to some health problems, I drove a van to work and appointments and vacations, I cook, do house work, laundry, and anything I can to be a fully contributing partner.

Unfortunately, it all depends on physical ability and your motivation to do so. There are some SCIs and many ABs who are very capable, but unwilling to do all they can in a relationship and are content to let their partner handle it all. Not fair and death to a relationship.

You two need to sit down and have a frank discussion about the future of your relationship. He needs a candid assessment of his abilities and capabilities about his care and what and how much he can do for himself.

Just one example you cited is transportation. Sounds like he uses a manual chair and a car. Would it be possible to get a van with a lift? That way, he can stay in the chair, get in and out by himself, and you won't be worn out. All you need is some tie-downs to keep his chair from rolling around inside the van.
I drove a full size van for years. It had an electric lift, door openers, and a six-way drivers seat. It had a switch box on the outside so I could open everything up from there. I just opened the doors, dropped the lift, rolled on, up I went, closed the doors, transferred to the drivers seat, buckled up, and away I went. This equipment is standard stuff and readily available.

This forum is an excellent resource. Much help is available and there for the asking.

This post has been edited by Quad65: 01 July 2008 - 02:49 PM

[Trinity]

joyjoy, on Jul 1 2008, 01:09 PM, said:

running back and forward getting food and drinks

Have you ever tried pushing a chair with a tray of drinks? Not easy, very high spillage potential!
Trinity x

[qbounce]

Hello Joyjoy,

And welcome to our world. You're absolutely right about taking a second look at whether the person is worthall the sh*t that goes with an SCI relationship. He's definately got to be someone worthwhile getting to know.

Obvioulsy it isn't just about getting HIM outside the house and into a different environment. It's about YOUR needs too. That said, You'll have to take on a whole new role when hooking up with someone who has limitations, and only you can answer whether you're up to it or not. Quadman made some good asessments regarding your bf's abilities. See what those are, and if your tolerance hold up to his needs, than the more power to you.

Good luck!

[mstranquiltears]

Only you can make the choice about is the relationship worth the problems that comes along with it. I will tell you NOT to start lifting him or his chair on a regular basis. I did this for years and while I already had spinal problems since birth the lifting made them worse,and now I am dragging my leg and having my doctor talk about me in a wheelchair. So help him get his own transportation with a lift system just don't damage your own health.

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

Joyjoty

Yes, that is a huge part of being with a man with an SCI. The question is; Does he want you to be his onlt care giver? Does he do all he can for you and the kids?

I have two kids that are both 4yo and my hubby who is a c4-5 quad. He does everything he can to help me plus we have two helpers (one day, one night). Mike does the bills, playus after work with the kids, reads to them, does homework and stays home whit them wjhen /i need out or go shopping etc. He does more but those alone give me some alone time and a chace to rest

You need help if you want your relationship to last longer then a few life and body draining years. My hubby also goes to work and drives which also helps give me time alone and the twins are in day care 4 days a week.

If you dont think you can handle his demands, you should step back and see if there are things he can do more. Otherwise, I would think you are doomed.

tc

L

[joyjoy]

Mike (c4-5) & Lorena, on Jul 3 2008, 05:00 AM, said:

Joyjoty

Yes, that is a huge part of being with a man with an SCI. The question is; Does he want you to be his onlt care giver? Does he do all he can for you and the kids?

I have two kids that are both 4yo and my hubby who is a c4-5 quad. He does everything he can to help me plus we have two helpers (one day, one night). Mike does the bills, playus after work with the kids, reads to them, does homework and stays home whit them wjhen /i need out or go shopping etc. He does more but those alone give me some alone time and a chace to rest

You need help if you want your relationship to last longer then a few life and body draining years. My hubby also goes to work and drives which also helps give me time alone and the twins are in day care 4 days a week.

If you dont think you can handle his demands, you should step back and see if there are things he can do more. Otherwise, I would think you are doomed.

tc

L

[joyjoy]

Thanks for your replies, everyone! I hadnt realised there was so many people going through the same thing. Anyway I have backed off a little, for the simple reason that My BF has managed his independence for 13 years on his own, and I think I was worrying and fussing a little to much. It comes with being a mother. lol So now its a case of if you need help just ask me, it seems to be working well, although I still secretly worry, but things seem alot better and not as stressful. I will take one day at a time, so far every day just keeps getting better and better. Thanks all....