47 replies to this topic

[kate]

Do you 'blame' anyone for your SCI? God? The woman who hit you doing 70? The friend that let you drive drunk? The pool attendent letting you dive in the shallow end? That pesky rugby ref not setting up the scrum right?

I personally, don't believe that 'blame' is a healthy nor accurate state of mind. That said, I do believe that responsibility is a good thing to assume and I know several people who don't (can't?) take responsibility for their own injuries when there is no question their own actions led to their situation. Maybe they're nothing but spoilt brats or maybe it's too heavy a burden to carry, what's your take on it?

For the record: - I'm responsible for the RTA that led to my SCI (Don't worry, I beat myself regularly )

[Quad65]

Oh, I'm a big believer in personal responsibility. If I hadn't dived off that water-slide, I wouldn't be an SCI. 'Course, I would have been drafted and got sent to Viet Nam back then if I hadn't, so I could have wound up dead or this way anyway.

Another statement that really rubs me the wrong way is: "Everything happens for a reason." Yeah, the reason is, a lot of us were stupid SOBs who rolled the dice on risky behavior and lost. It's no big metaphysical reason or that God or the cosmos is teaching us a vital spiritual lesson. It's as simple as our favorite Doofus, Dr. Phil, says, "You choose the action, you choose the consequences."

They may not be desirable, beneficial, foreseen, or intended but they may be the logical outcome of our behavior.

[DaveP]

I was told in rehab that those of us that are responsible for our own injuries recover (psychologically) much faster than those who are victims of accidents - ie the first lot have no one to blame and the second do.

I knew I shouldn't've had that last bottle of wine and dived off... but it was hot! lol

[topperf]

My girlfriend lured me into the night swim and got me out of the water afterwards ... sometimes I hate her for both 1 and 2, but most of the time I love her. (no honestly, she didn't ask me to take a head dive, that was on my account, so, lucky me = no one to blame, but me. and I've snapped out of that pretty fast, it's no use trying to blame anyone, it doesn't bring back the use of any limbs)

Edited by topperf, 07 July 2008 - 09:18 PM.

[kate]

Quad65, on Jul 7 2008, 09:05 PM, said:

<snip>

Brilliant. Very succinct.

and yyyeeeeesssss....... the 'everything happens for a reason' thingy. I'm guessing its people trying to comfort either us, or themselves maybe?

I like your reason better

Dave, that makes absolute sense. Its certainly easy to see who 'blames' others - their chips are rather large...

[Zammo]

I just got ill and got SCI. No-one to blame except God if you believe.

I think that helped my state of mind greatly. I was just like "Well let's get on with it then". A lot of people I was in rehab with had anger that was directed at other individuals. Although that may give them a good legal claim, I think they would eventually need to forgive that other person to finally move on. Hatred is a huge negative emotion.

Edited by Zammo, 07 July 2008 - 09:17 PM.

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

I blame me, myself and I.

So, I have no excuses but to have a geat life.

Mike

[hurbshankin]

The Judge found the dude who pulled out in front of me and stopped guilty, but I guess I'm the one who threw a leg over that morning for a sunday ride. Yeah, the thing about blame is it gets you know where but angry. Random acts, that's all. We're just the lot who got picked.

Hurb ;)

[Motor]

hurbshankin, on Jul 7 2008, 05:49 PM, said:

The Judge found the dude who pulled out in front of me and stopped guilty, but I guess I'm the one who threw a leg over that morning for a sunday ride. Yeah, the thing about blame is it gets you know where but angry. Random acts, that's all. We're just the lot who got picked.

Hurb ;)

After being a cop for 19 years you would think i'd know better then to drink and then ride my motorcycle (after 20 shots of yeager). i blame ME AND ONLY ME!!! I took a lot of alcohol and drugs to make me hit rock bottom, but now things are good. It will be 4 years August 12th annd I am back to being Richie aka Motor. I ride again minus the booze! Don't dwell on it there is life in a chair!

Good Luck

Richie aka Motor

[fatdave]

i want to blame all the doctors that didnt listen, and i want to blame god, and i want to blame someone else. I can't. its that simple, its my fault, im fat, and have bad genetics. it didnt help that i was a heavy drug user from about 11 - 21, and a meth addict at 16 until i was 21.

my fault, now i live life a little closer to the ground.

[BCP]

As a sister of a gal who pulled her friend out of the water after a head dive, and he was doing the dead man's float...I can say that my sister (as the caregiver to this man for 5 years) had been told by this man (a quadriplegic from this head dive into the river) many times over the years that 1. she was to blame for pulling him from the water. 2. She pulled him from the water incorrectly. 3. Why did she even pull him from the water and give him this miserable life (his words, not mine.) He has been very angry over this (I don't blame him either.) Sadly, it has destroyed my sister and she turned to alcohol and has been in and out of rehab over the past few years. She is no longer his caregiver.

[Irenec]

kate, on Jul 7 2008, 08:45 PM, said:

Do you 'blame' anyone for your SCI? God? The woman who hit you doing 70? The friend that let you drive drunk? The pool attendent letting you dive in the shallow end? That pesky rugby ref not setting up the scrum right?

I personally, don't believe that 'blame' is a healthy nor accurate state of mind. That said, I do believe that responsibility is a good thing to assume and I know several people who don't (can't?) take responsibility for their own injuries when there is no question their own actions led to their situation. Maybe they're nothing but spoilt brats or maybe it's too heavy a burden to carry, what's your take on it?

For the record: - I'm responsible for the RTA that led to my SCI (Don't worry, I beat myself regularly )

I use to blame my husbands brother.HE was drink driving when the accident happened.Ididnt blame him just for the accident,They were in buisness together,after the accident he didnt want to know,and had no respect for my husband.He got his way, and my husband got out of the buisness.

We then started working for ourselves.and did so for 25years.

Last year he invited us to a barbacue in his garden.I said i would go if there werent to many obsticals
in the way.LETS FORGIVE AND FORGET. He assured us that my husband could get to the back garden using the side path of the house to get to the garden,
When we arrived we couldnt get down the path as he hadnt bothered to clear it of rubbish so my husband had to be carried from the front of the house to the back, up and down 3 lots of steps.

We hadnt seen a lot of the guests there for along time, so i was abit nervous about going in the first place,

We do not blame him anymore,but i Pity him!

Irenec

Edited by Irenec, 08 July 2008 - 11:05 AM.

[redhairedmeister]

Well, I figure if I had more faith in god I would either blame him or perhaps consider it to be part of "his plan" set out for me. Neither of Which do I believe

I am partially to blame with my accident, and I know the other person involved who is also to blame. We have never spoken, even now, but once in a while I imagine a confrontation between him and I where he decides to approach me and just start talking about the entire event.. basically it leads to me making him feel like shit. I doubt any of that will ever occur though..

Reminds me of when I went to my dentist last week..
(I'm sitting in the chair after getting my teeth cleaned by the hygeinist; waiting for the dentist to check out my teeth as my braces had been removed prior)
Dent.: "Sooo, I see you got your wheelchair there."
me: "....Yeah..."
Dent.: "How's that working out for you?"
me: "Good, things are going good."
Dent.: "Good, that's good... SO.. did you hit a gravel road?"
Me: "What? a gravel road?"
Dent.: "Yeah, you know.. a gravel road, did you hit one?"
me: "What are you talking about? The accident? Let's not talk about that"
Dent: "Oh, okay. Well you have to look out for those gravel roads. The reason I bring it up is because once when I was your age I was driving and I hit a gravel road and I ALMOST flipped my car!"
me: ".. Okay???"
dent.: "Well, let's have a look at those teeth them shall we?"

like wtf is that? damn

Edited by redhairedmeister, 08 July 2008 - 07:14 AM.

[kate]

Guys, guys, I'm seeing a lot of the 'blame' word being bandied around. It's unhealthy dont' you think? Surely assuming the repsonsibility for the bits that have been under our control and just letting go of the rest would make life a lot easier?

It only took me 10 years to do it, after all <roll_eyes>

[nomis]

Yeah, I blame that norty boy who made me drink and ride a motorcyle at top speed just to impress a girl. That norty boy has a lot to answer to. But I still get him out of bed each morning, clean and feed him, laugh at his jokes and love him. Just can't shake him off. I 'spose that's what I get when it's me.

[Apparelyzed]

I blame god and the BBC!

God, because he made the road slippery from a quick shower, and the BBC, because there was nothing on TV, so we went out to the pub!

Didn't even get as far as the pub, talk about a double whammy!

Simon

[topperf]

BCP, on Jul 8 2008, 08:27 AM, said:

As a sister of a gal who pulled her friend out of the water after a head dive, and he was doing the dead man's float...I can say that my sister (as the caregiver to this man for 5 years) had been told by this man (a quadriplegic from this head dive into the river) many times over the years that 1. she was to blame for pulling him from the water. 2. She pulled him from the water incorrectly. 3. Why did she even pull him from the water and give him this miserable life (his words, not mine.) He has been very angry over this (I don't blame him either.) Sadly, it has destroyed my sister and she turned to alcohol and has been in and out of rehab over the past few years. She is no longer his caregiver.

Ask your sister if she could have reacted differently? if anyone could? I don't think so.

Let it go.

[DaveP]

See what you've started now Kate?! Opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them... lol

Interesting topic though - and I suppose it's healthy for those that haven't sorted this issue in their own heads yet to read how others have dealt with it.

The sooner you get a grip of this one, the sooner you can get on with living your life. Accept that whinging and moaning won't change anything, except piss of those nearest to you, pushes your friends away and really only affects you in a negative way. No one likes a moaner!

[kate]

Yea, Dave. God I'm such a sh!t stirrer.

And yeah, I tend to agree with you, the sooner you let the 'blame' thing go, the better. For all concerned. I dread to think how one stops blaming oneself though... another topic...

I wonder if the blame game is actually indicative, not only of needing someone/thing other than oneself to hate, but of today's society where very little personal responsibility is taken for one's misfortunes. I don't believe, for one second, that one's experiences, background, education etc. etc. etc. don't have an impact on the decisions we make, but there does seem to be an imbalance in today's world.

[BCP]

topperf, on Jul 8 2008, 03:31 AM, said:

BCP, on Jul 8 2008, 08:27 AM, said:

As a sister of a gal who pulled her friend out of the water after a head dive, and he was doing the dead man's float...I can say that my sister (as the caregiver to this man for 5 years) had been told by this man (a quadriplegic from this head dive into the river) many times over the years that 1. she was to blame for pulling him from the water. 2. She pulled him from the water incorrectly. 3. Why did she even pull him from the water and give him this miserable life (his words, not mine.) He has been very angry over this (I don't blame him either.) Sadly, it has destroyed my sister and she turned to alcohol and has been in and out of rehab over the past few years. She is no longer his caregiver.

Ask your sister if she could have reacted differently? if anyone could? I don't think so.

Let it go.

Actually, I do believe our entire family has let it go. My sister is still his best friend, just not his caregiver...and she is getting the rehab she needs. My family (mom, dad, me and my son) help him, give him money, visit him, help find resources, help manage his money, and keep his w/c van insured... from 3 hours away, as his own biological mom, dad and sister can't/won't help him from the MidWest. It's been 7 years since his accident. Only the two of them know what happened that tragic day...and all we know is what we hear. She stuck with him (caregiving) for so long because she did feel like she would be just as angry, and she saw how many of his friends stopped being his friend after his body was no longer the same. His brain is fully functioning though, yet they still stopped. We will never leave him. We have let it go.

[Jackiefff]

I blame myself for getting on the 4 wheeler but i also blame the driver.. i told him i would only go for a drive if he drove slow and was careful(i had always been scared of being that "one person" something bad happens to) actually i was talking about it about 10 min prier to getting on the atv. but i stupidly believed his promise, probley because i liked him, and i got on, he was going slow at 1st and then alll i remember is yelling slow down and next thing you know im lieing there freaking out because i cant feel my legs.
i blame myself for getting on oviously but not going to lie i mostly blame the driver

[allis53ca]

ME

i knew i was tired

i had 2 chances to stop and nap

i knew i was dozing

i knew i had time to stop

i knew that anyone could fall asleep driving

i knew i should have left earlier that day

i knew i should have taken the morning off work and slept late before i left

i could go on and on............

i don't "blame" myself...i take full responsibility for the poor and irresponsible decisions that led to my accident.........

i'm just thankful that my ex who was with me didn't get hurt..and that no one else was on that road when i used up all of it........

Edited by allis53ca, 08 July 2008 - 05:38 PM.

[Trinity]

I have no one to blame, not even myself for my injury. I wasn't doing anything I hadn't done a thousand times before. I had a list of 'what if's...' but there's no point in dwelling on them it gets you nowhere. You can't change the past.
Trinity X

[Kwag_Myers]

Mine was strictly user error. I was amazed at how many times I was asked if there was a law suit pending. One doctor even got real excited when he asked if there was going to be a law suit.

As for God, I hate it when people blame God. It's pure ignorance as far as I'm concerned. I better stop here before I start preachin'.

[Ches]

Trinity yours was a freak accident, suits you well!

I dont blame anyone. Im not angry, just frustrated and confined. I was in the car with a friend, both without seatbelts and completely intoxicated. We still arent sure who was driving. I woke up just greatful neither of us had died. Blame was never a factor.

Whats kinda weird about my accident is just 2 months before the entire ordeal I had started having these weird thoughts about my sisblings and myself. There's 6 of us (step childern included) and I just knew that 'statistically' something bad was bound to happen to one of us. I dont know why I was thinking that way or what my logic was behind it. I told everyone though and we often joked about how one of us would die. One brother is a UFC fighter,, we figured he's suffer some severe hit. My sister (like trinity) rides and breaks horses, thought maybe she would be the one to fall. And so on, I planned on over dosing or something drug related. I was close enough. Drinking and Driving.. two of my favorites. Anyways, the point there is that I just knew something was going to happen, I was already prepped for the news, wasnt a major shock.

One more thing, my mother often has those premonition type dreams. Once I told her about my gut feelings, she started to tell me about these dreams she was having about this really bizzare bed. She didnt think much of the bed but the emotions in the dream were overwhelming for her. Few weeks later when she saw me in the hosopital I was in the bed, the kind that rotate, she couldnt believe it.

[topperf]

1 year before my accident 11 months ago, I dreamed I broke my neck and became paralyzed, in the dream I recovered when swimming.
I remember waking up and feeling sad but relieved that it was just a dream..
damn.

strange..

Oops, sorry, a wee bit of topic...

Edited by topperf, 09 July 2008 - 11:19 AM.

[qbounce]

My diving coach waaaaaay back in High School . . . 20 years ago!!

[pikey]

I do not blame anyone or anything. I think the only reason to establish blame would be to sort out compensation, as it happens there was no one in my case.

[dansbun]

I blame the guy who shot Dan in the back for not letting them in line in front of us. Well I call him a guy, but really he's evil incarnate...

But I don't dwell on it. Pointless.

[wheeliebear75]

In my case it was just a fluke. Wrong place wrong time. And it's ironic that the same glass that was intended to be strong enough to not break\shatter and hurt someone made it heavy enough to hurt someone. But I don't hate the guy who hung the sign there, and I don't want him to have lost his job or anything. I didn't even get angry at the restaurant chain that I got hurt at........until they did everything within their power to get away with paying as little as they possibly could; that was just cold.

That being said though. No anger doesn't get anyone anywhere. And if I start feeling any super intense negative emotions I get a migraine anyway.........so I try to " think happy thoughts". LOL