6 replies to this topic

[aprilb]

Hello, I am a "veteran of the SCI caregiver world. My mother has been an L1/L2 since I was two. I just grew up accepting her injury not even seeing her with a disability. Little did we now what this was preparing me for.

November of 07 my husband of eight years was injured in a motorcycle wreck. He is paralyzed T4/T5 complete, he also has a brain injury. Which he is recovering from. He has been home from the hospital since late February. He is recovering well and really adjusting good.

I would love some advice on how you separate your self from caregiver back to wife/spouse. I am having a hard time doing that. I am also in nursing school and my husband often complains that he is just my patient, no longer my husband. He may be right, I am just trying to give him the best care possible on the things I have to do for him. Has anyone had the same issues with their spouses? How do you learn to be a wife again? Thanks for letting me voice!

[nomis]

That's a strange history, aprilb. Another of life's odd twists.

Obviously, I can't speak from the wife angle but I do know you have to set yourself some rigid boundaries as to where the carer finishes and the wife reigns.

Can I suggest that I see you as having two options - employing an outsider to share the cares AND/OR more independence from your husband.

From a SCI angle, at T4/5 your husband should soon reach full independence. But that does not take into account the head injury and I don't know how severe that is. I imagine he has issues with fatigue at least.

I'm thinking that pushing on to full independence is probably the way to go. But right now you obviously need a break from the cares and the chance for the two of you to connect again as a married couple. That's going to need outside help to take over the cares, even if only for a short while.

Edited by nomis, 10 July 2008 - 01:34 AM.

[kdenon01]

Wow. Your story really is amazing. You are a strong woman.

I am my husbands full-time caregiver. Many people on here will suggest that you get outside help, and not to be his caregiver at all.

But, I take care of my husband 24/7 and we haven't had any problems yet. I think making time for yourself is the important thing. I like to spend time with my Mom, and go to the spa, things that I do on my own.

If that doesn't work, definitely hire outside help. You do NOT want to put any more strain on your relationship. Hope that helps! Welcome to the site, I hope it is as beneficial to you as it was to me!

[Bobo1974]

The only thing that I can suggest is to hire some outside help. If its okay now don't wait until its starts to become problematic. Those lines between wife and caregiver become very blurry and it can be a problem. I will only have my girlfriend help in emergency situations. Morning and night routines, I have someone come in. It allows my girlfriend to be just that a girlfriend, NOT caregiver.

[Fairygirl72]

Hi there, wow you've been though a bit haven't you?

I take care of my husband 24/7 also and haven't had any problems, in fact he wouldn't want anyone else to take care of him. It can get a bit rough at times because we also have 3 little girls 7, 2 and 10 months, but I just try to get out every now and again...(try being the key word) or I take a few minutes and play on the computer....just a break now and then. As far as separating wife/caregiver.....to me and my husband there is nothing to separate. I love taking care of him and really have no issues...it's just the way it is....for better or for worse.... I also know that as soon as he's able to do something for himself he will and won't rely on me to do everything!

Take care and hang in there!

[Mike (c4-5) & Lorena]

I would strongly urge you to get some help so that you both know/remember the difference between wife and caregiver. Some couples work great together. But in the long run the crelationship will ussually suffer. It can also depend on the ammount of care you do., Lifting, transferring, bowel programs and cdressing can take a toll on the caregiver. What happens if you gtet sick, break a leg, etc? You need back up.

L

[safire1116]

Hi I'm new to this page also, and sometimes I feel the same way. It's very difficult for me to be "Wife" to my husband when I'm always careing for him. He's had several surgeries in his spinal cord in all levels, c-spine, t-spine and l-spine. He is a parapallegic now and has been for the last 5 months. The only activity we do not do is sexual intamacy because I just don't ever have the energy or the desire, but we do go out on dates, spend quiet time together and I spend time with my mother every saturday just to get away. I live with his mom and our two children. 11 and 9.
It's nice when we go out on our dates. Even though I'm still giving him care during our dates, we are alone and it feels like things are almost normal again.
Defenitly try the dating thing and the alone/quiet times. They help reguvinate you and your emotional part of your marriage.