3873 replies to this topic

[Ches]

[Kev-O]

Yeah i was sitting at my house trying not to do anything exciting in any way whats so ever but i did stumble ok well rolled onto this sweet time killer.




How to win a fight against twenty children
by Chris Bucholz




I’m not going to ask why you’re fighting twenty children. That’s your own business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:

1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and damaged several rare cards.
3) They stole your woman.
4) You stole their woman.
5) You’ve had enough of their shit.



Whether you’re a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or a dangerous maniac, we here at Apparelyzed want to help. That’s why we’ve consulted with the experts (who did not wish to be named) on how to maximize your odds of winning a fight against twenty children. Follow these guidelines, and your opponents will wish they were never born 6 or 7 years ago.

__

Use an appropriate technique. Modern mixed martial arts are geared almost exclusively towards one on one combat, and are not designed to take on multiple tiny aggressors. As a grown adult, you could be fairly assured of absolutely destroying a 7 year old if you took him to the floor for a ground and pound. But by doing so you’d expose your back and head to his peers. Your best bet is to stay on your feet and use striking techniques. Karate is one good choice - it was originally designed in the 1600’s for use by unarmed Japanese day care workers.

Be aware of the terrain. By default, you’re going to have a height advantage against twenty children, but be sure you don’t cede it. Avoid fighting around picnic tables, monkey bars, or anything with which a particularly daring child could launch an aerial attack. The ideal situation is fighting children who are trapped in a ditch below you.



Stay mobile. Unless you’re extremely lucky and find yourself fighting twenty infants, you’re going to be at a mobility disadvantage when fighting a large group of children. You must avoid becoming surrounded at all costs. Keep moving, and always trying to position the bulk of children on one side of you. Circle, sidestep, and use tactical retreats to try and engage a single child at a time, where your reach and decades of muscular development should prove an advantage.

Speed. You want this fight to be over fast. Children have boundless amounts of energy, and you’ll tire quickly as the fight progresses. If you schedule your fights with twenty children in advance for some reason, I urge you to focus your pre-training regimen on cardiovascular conditioning and snorting eye-wateringly large amounts of cocaine.

Intimidation. Although I don’t expect you to be intimidated by the prospect of fighting twenty children - given the self-confidence that comes with maturity - remember that intimidation is a two way street. Twenty is a big number, and if that many children lose their fear of you, watch out. Use fierce roars and displays of strength to frighten the children. When taunting, remember that children are almost comically stupid, and won’t understand any of your more creative taunts. You won’t intimidate anyone if you have to explain three times specifically what you did to their mother last night.

Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to behave more like a pack of animals than a cohesive group. By default, pack animals will defer to an alpha leader, and if you manage to subdue that child, the rest of the pack will quickly lose their will to fight. In some cases the leader will be actively giving orders and therefore easy to identify. Other times they’ll be harder to pick out. In those cases, go for the tallest one, or the one with the most Pokemon on their clothing. Once the alpha child is lying in a heap, you’ve got a narrow window of intimidation open while the children regroup. I’d recommend lifting his body over your head and screaming yourself hoarse. That’s the smart veteran move.

Groin attacks. In general the crotch is a small, easily defensible target, and not typically a factor in most fights at a reasonably professional level. That said, when children are attacked by an adult, they’re rarely going to respond professionally. Again, if you have forewarning that you’ll soon be coming to blows with twenty children, absolutely wear a cup. If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest.

Weapons. I’d suggest refraining from using weapons, and not just because of the harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws that are a sad reality in this modern age. By bringing a weapon you might prompt the children to bring weapons as well. This kind of escalation plays against you. Whereas before you could fairly safely absorb several dozen tiny little punches before being incapacitated, you’re now at risk of being dropped with a single lucky strike. If a child with a pair of safety scissors gets at your Achilles tendon (the groin of the ankle) then you’re cooked buddy.

Let the last one walk away. In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues this is now tradition, but even during raw, underground twenty child street-fights it serves an important purpose. By letting that child spread word of your great strength and not-to-be-######-withedness amongst the other children of the area, you can ensure that it will be a long time indeed before someone else mewls at you that you’re hogging the swings.

[Ches]

Hmm.. where did you get that Kfed? Reminds me of the kids in Hostel..

Love this part " If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest. "

[qbounce]

Waaaay better than watching the Olympics Kev.

[evilmac64]

Im shaving a board with a rasp. I dont need it for anything just wanted to see how long it takes to get half way through.Im going to be here awhile.

[StellaLAtella]

Sitting alone in the house except for the dogs........I'm listening to the sounds of the night outside. Crickets, some night birds, and an occasional breeze. Feels like being totally alone on earth.
~Stella

[Trinity]

Am waiting for my housemate to have a shower, he's promised me a lift and if he doesn't hurry up I'm going to be late. I'm not bothered though.

[nomis]

He's going to lift you into the shower, right? That sounds exciting.

I'm way too excited to post here. Bin watching the Olympics - today it was the marathon swim - this Englishman went to the front and arm over arm over arm he stayed in the front - I went away to get a cup of tea - got back, he was still in the front, arm over arm over... - did a few chores - got back and the Englishman was still infront, arm over arm over... If you missed it, you really missed something.

[carole338]

The Olympics, way too exciting. I have to sit and wait till 8pm. Maybe I'll re-read a book or watch traffic. Does that sound boring enough?

[Scribbler]

The wet paint I am watching is almost dry..


If Trinity is worried about being late, she should help wash his back, but thats far to exciting to even think about...


Pity the Englishman lost his swim by 1.5 seconds Nomis; thats truly too exciting for you and me both..


I wonder if this paints dry?...... Dare I touch it?....... The excitements incredible....

[Hapahowlee]

Scribbler, what kind of paint? Gloss, Semi-Gloss or Flat? That does make a difference in how it dries. Get back to me on that one with a full report, please and thank you.


I'm waiting for hottest part of the day in hope the temps hit 110 degrees so I can spray my weeds and watch them die, die, die. I'm not suppose to have green stuff in my yard, I live in the desert


Nomis, I'm still waiting for the rest of that joke. Was it really a priest in the bar? Hmm, surprising.

[qbounce]

I just came back from a haircut. That's right all you loosers, I went OUTSIDE HA! Hehehehehehehe . . . ha ha ha hahahahahahehehehe he he . . . . . he . . . . . . . . he . . . . . . . haha . . . . . ha . . . . . . . . .hehe . . . ho haha ho whhhooo!

I gotta get out more

[Ches]

Qbounce, do you remove your helmet for the hair cut?

[qbounce]

Actually, I was just born thick headed, I guess. No helmet here. The haircut looks stupendous, if I do say so myself.

What, who said that?

Oh yah . . . . just me.

[E-DOG]

Stupendous stupidness.
Cool 'do cube.

[qbounce]

Thanks Dog,
and this was BEFORE the cut. Just sit back, relax, and imagine if you will . . . this same mug, but with a little SHORTER hair.

There, now you get it.

Watched some more Olympic running today. I thought there was quite alot of excess sweat or other bodily liquids all over the track, until I noticed it was raining. Good thing too, 'cus I was beginning to think some of these athletes could use a high dose of Oxybutynin.

[Scribbler]

I've got way too excited, I've discovered the paint is dry....... Its plain old boring Mat Paint Hapa.... Gloss is far too exciting to look at..


I hope Nomis nitices I've written the correct 'too'; but I don't want to get him too excited...

[Kev-O]

Scribbler, on Aug 22 2008, 08:55 AM, said:

I've got way too excited, I've discovered the paint is dry....... Its plain old boring Mat Paint Hapa.... Gloss is far too exciting to look at..


I hope Nomis nitices I've written the correct 'too'; but I don't want to get him too excited...

Me i never really got into the whole watch the paint dry. Im more of a watch the grass grow kinda guy.

[Scribbler]

I cant stand the noise it makes when grass grows..........

[qbounce]

Try this:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Then how many peppers did peter piper pick?

She sells sea shells down by the seashore


Now, say them each five times fast.
There, you just killed a few seconds of your precious time.
How do you feel now?

[Kev-O]

Scribbler, on Aug 22 2008, 03:00 PM, said:

I cant stand the noise it makes when grass grows..........

Oh i know its like a baby panda screaming. That is the only thing i dont like about it but ya know it keeps me entertained

[Ches]

Peter Piper is easy..

Now the Sea Shells...... hell that is difficult just to type. Thats one tounge twister I will never get.

Everyone ready for the "big" weekend?

[Hapahowlee]

Ches, I want some icecream. What kind you got? Bring some over with Trin. I got some killer binoculars, we'll go peeping. Although just a warning, these binoculars make things look much larger than they really are. So boys, whip 'em out.


My weeds are dead. Yay, no more green stuff in my yard. Well, except for the cactus and marijuana plant, but those are decorations only.


No Bouncer, can't imagine it. Maybe you should TAKE A NEW PICTURE!!!!!

[Scribbler]

Sea sells sea shells ain't no tungue twister Ches.......Cunnilingus is a tongue twister....

[gustifer]

One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't really fuzzy, now.
Was He?

[Hapahowlee]

One fart smeller, smelt fart
Two fart smellers, smelt farts
Three fart smellers, they all passed out


Okay Gus, do you really know that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair? I mean like, did he go to a spa and get waxing or what?

Edited by Hapahowlee, 22 August 2008 - 07:58 PM.

[rmorgan]

Speaking of fuzzy...

I just got to VEET my friends back (actually Brad's brother)

Thank god they're only stepbrothers so Brad didn't get the hairy gene...whew.

IT was gross...but he paid me.

[qbounce]

Ok, Hapa...

I just learned how to add pictures to my posts (my FIRST)
So very exciting, indeed!!

Attached Thumbnails

• 

Edited by qbounce, 23 August 2008 - 12:15 AM.

[Hapahowlee]

YAY BOUNCER!!!! Nice haircut.

I'm so glad you figured out that one thing, ya know THE COMPUTER!!!

Sorry Bounce, you know I'm teasing ya, bud.