[mephibosheth]

I'm in a very dark place at the moment. I'm sure many of you understand.
The thing is, I'm just over 10yrs post, & have already been through the "depression" stage years ago. This is much worse & very hard to deal with. I've been to a doc & a shrink, but this is not some biological imbalance or irrationally skewed perspective on life... It's a logical realisation of what my future holds & what my situation is. No amount of "positive thinking" can change the facts of physics.

Has anyone else had this late onset? Not just a bad day, but months straight of waking up wishing you hadn't?
If antidepressants are for when your body lets you down, & psychiatrists are for when your mind lets you down, what helps when life in general lets you down & loses it's joy?

[cheri]

hi. lately i've been experiencing the same thing. no pain killers help and it just seems to get worse everyday. i wake up and ask my husband to kill me and he just gets mad. i'm 17 yrs post injury doc says i'm old and gravity is not my friend. i've lost all muscle tone and am slowly losing fingers in my one good hand. going to hospital is a nighhtmare, they just think we
're crazy. i guess we have to keep persevering and be happy with the fact that there are people who love us and that none of us are alone. take care.

[nomis]

mephibosheth, on Jul 16 2008, 02:39 PM, said:

I'm in a very dark place at the moment. I'm sure many of you understand.
The thing is, I'm just over 10yrs post, & have already been through the "depression" stage years ago. This is much worse & very hard to deal with. I've been to a doc & a shrink, but this is not some biological imbalance or irrationally skewed perspective on life... It's a logical realisation of what my future holds & what my situation is. No amount of "positive thinking" can change the facts of physics.

Has anyone else had this late onset? Not just a bad day, but months straight of waking up wishing you hadn't?
If antidepressants are for when your body lets you down, & psychiatrists are for when your mind lets you down, what helps when life in general lets you down & loses it's joy?

I don't think there's anything too unusual in the "late onset". I can relate to that, I hit the wall after 13 years when all the hard realities could no longer be escaped. But I can't relate to much else - you're a higher level, young....

My own understanding of my experiences (which may or may not have similarities to yours) was that I needed to go through that shit time to see clearly who and what I was before I could begin to accept who and what I was. I wallowed around blindly in hellsville about six months before it turned. The turning point for me was one day, lying on my bed looking at my inert legs feeling how useless they were. I felt sadder than sad and somehow the pain morphed into wanting to care for my injured body and then a strong love for myself. I don't understand that, just go along with it cos life got good again. I'm no longer scared of those deep hurts - I've been there before.

[mephibosheth]

Thanks, glad to hear it's not an unusual thing.

Quote

My own understanding of my experiences (which may or may not have similarities to yours) was that I needed to go through that shit time to see clearly who and what I was before I could begin to accept who and what I was. I wallowed around blindly in hellsville about six months before it turned.

I figured this was the case. Guess it's just a matter of riding the coaster until it stops... gotta say though, this amusement park sucks.
Cheers.

[eleanorigby]

I don't know that I have anything significant to say and I think nomis is dead on in his post, but I wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I am one of those unusually positive people (I have no clue where this came from, my life certainly doesn't warrant it), but there are moments where, even ten years on (eleven this August 7th) it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Like nomis said, I'll just look down at my legs and it feels like I've been gutted it hurts so much, the total inability to escape this life sentence. But then I look up from my legs and I can see the good things as well, like my friends and family, my blessedly good health since my accident, my ever-increasing level of independence, and so much more. I know when you're depressed, there is no way to talk yourself out of it, positive thinking is not enough, but just know that it does pass. Just like the first depression after your injury passes, the later ones do as well. In the meantime, hold on and TALK. Talk to anyone, even over the internet as you're doing now. When you feel heard and understood, it helps to alliviate some of the pain in my experience.

[Quad65]

For some of us, life is one big Shit Sandwich and we've had to take a bigger bite than most. I like to think my life is like steel. I can let it rust away or I can work it, temper it, sharpen it, and hone it to a fine edge. There are so many ABs who never have to push or look deep inside themselves for anything. They waltz through life without ever knowing the triumphs we've experienced.

I'm no Pollyanna, ask my wife, she's the positive one. I get POed, frustrated, angry, impatient, occasionally depressed at times. It's normal. But I know what I've been through and what I've conquered. No one can take that away from me. Injured at 17 and past 60 now, I'm at peace with my life for the most part. No, I can't walk, climb mountains, play my guitar like I used to, and a thousand other things. My legs and ass are thin, my arms are stringy. I need a pill on occasion to get my dick pointing north. So? I look around and see so many ABs who are clueless about anything and are in worse shape than me and I truly pity the dumb F'ers.

[Webwych]

Oh, been there, done that and got the t-shirt! And let me tell you, being disabled from birth does not stop you hitting that wall.

I hit mine in 2005...age 32.

Friends are the key. I didn't have any disabled friends until very recently, because I'd grown up in the 'normal' world, went to a mainstream high school and didn't think I fitted into the disabled community.

I am not naturally gregarious, and found it really hard to make friends until very recently. Now I have the best friends anyone could ask for and I make sure I let them know if I think I'm gonna have a 'wobble' and I let them do their job and be my friends.

It sounds corny, but it's true - no man is an island. Sometimes you're going to feel like solitude, and that's ok - it's very much my way of dealing with things - but don't shut everyone out either.

Nomis, reading what you say about wanting to care for your body is taking me some time to get to. I never used to look after my feet as well as I should have because I just didn't like them and wanted to ignore the fact that they were actually attached to me! I felt very much like I was 'in my head' and not inhabiting my whole body, but that's a work in progress. Mind you, having friends on and being part of a 'scene' that is not averse to body modification and sees scars in a very positive way helps your attitude to your own body a lot!

You'll get there, just remember not to suffer in silence. I can say the people here are truly supportive and encouraging, so now you've found this resource, use it.

This post has been edited by Webwych: 23 July 2008 - 07:17 PM