11 replies to this topic

[Dave Bishopstone]

Hi,

I've written elsewhere in this forum about The Early Days, post SCI feelings of a parent of an SCI son. It's amazing how writing things down is like emptying an untidy storeroom (my brain) and making you put the content back in the room in some sort of order.

We were at home in the UK when we heard of our son's accident whilst he was on holiday abroad, some 4000 miles away, to date the worst phone call of my life (when I say 'my' I really mean 'our' to include my wife). In my professional life in the emergency services I had dealt with some horrendous things and thought I could handle this - WRONG! I went to pieces and on reflection how glad I am that I did, it reminded me that I still had feelings just like everyone else.

We flew out to be with our son, the longest and worst flight of my life, made worse by extensive delays. Managed to see our son at about 3am in Intensive Care, he having had spinal surgery the day previous - he was awake but obviously not with it, so we left a picture of our cats with him so that when he awoke he would know we were about.

We checked into a hotel, didn't sleep, went down for breakfast and the parting comment of the waitress, who knew why we were there was "Have a nice day!" Oh how that phrase grates on me to this day. My wife had to return to the UK after four days and because of complications (collapsed lung) I remained for a further seven with our son. We seemed to have alternate good and bad days, but it was a time when it would have been difficult to slip a piece of paper between us, we became so close - all of my day was spent with him, didn't want to be anywhere else. I kept being rebuked by staff for pushing his wheelchair, I knew he had to do it for himself one day soon, but so soon after the accident! used my own judgement and did what I felt was right and reasonable. Added to this was the row I was having with the local police for failing to investigate our son's road traffic accident properly, he was a pedestrian struck by a car. Really only another tourist soon to leave so what the hell!

On day eleven we flew back to the UK in an Air Ambulance, so glad to look down and see those patchwork fields of England - when our son was off loaded from the plane to an awaiting ambulance - yep - it was breakdown time again, tried not to show it though and I reminded myself that we still had our son, he wasn't in a sealed box. We travelled to the local general hospital where we were met by son number two and my wife. What did I hear from behind the curtains in A&E from my two son's - an exchange of jokes - the best medicine I could have been given. Three weeks later he was transferred to a Spinal Injuries Unit and stayed there for about 6 months.

During all this, complications with insurers questioning and disputing hospital bills, saying they were being overcharged (and my goodness they were, implants costing £3000 charged at $40,000). Just the type of issue I didn't need. Our son had good treatment immediately after the accident - but why submit inflated bills? People knock the NHS - I am not one of them - reading posts in this forum from other countries makes me realise how fortunate we are.

Four years on since the accident the family is changed by force of circumstance, our SCI son, has lost some functions but gained some incredible human qualities, foremost of never uttering a word of complaint or blame. What have I gained - maybe a deeper understanding of what is important in life. I have learnt from my son!

For those who will go through much the same parental experience - and sadly there will be others - hold tight, it's a bumpy, painful ride, like me you would wish you could change places with your child - but you can't - you will come through it - you will survive - you will be stronger.

[cate]

Thanks for telling us your story, I wish all the best for your son, You have a great family there, and sound very appreciative of them
Cate

[JT80]

yeah, good to hear dave.
i relate to your story as i was lucky to have parents, who like you, helped me through the rocky ride when i was injured abroad. immeasurable help.
i think it is hard to understand the pain of being the caring parent until you go there. similar to actually suffering a sci.

[Dave Bishopstone]

JT80, on Jul 31 2008, 02:37 PM, said:

yeah, good to hear dave.
i relate to your story as i was lucky to have parents, who like you, helped me through the rocky ride when i was injured abroad. immeasurable help.
i think it is hard to understand the pain of being the caring parent until you go there. similar to actually suffering a sci.

Hi JT80,

I obviously have to take your word that a parents suffering is similar to that of an SCI person because you have had the experience whereas I haven't (of being spinally injured that is). I guess I'm really an 'outsider looking in'. The worst experience was waking in the night with hot sweats, wondering about our son's future, wondering that if the insurers didn't pay for the treatment could I lose our home (as I had signed the indemnity form at the hospital) because we were talking mega bucks! Of waking in the morning and everything briefly seeming fine - then the reality hitting you full on again. However for those who may read this at sometime in the future - we all got through it and so will they - so glad you had the experience of a strong family and that it made all the difference!

All the best !!!

[kate42]

Great to hear your story, Dave. Your son is really lucky to have such supportive parents. I know it was really hard on my dad when I was injured, as he's a single father, but he was so unbelievably supportive. All the best to you and your family!

Edited by kate42, 10 August 2008 - 06:00 AM.

[sexyfunkyboy]

Dave Bishopstone, on Jul 30 2008, 10:01 PM, said:

Hi,

I've written elsewhere in this forum about The Early Days, post SCI feelings of a parent of an SCI son. It's amazing how writing things down is like emptying an untidy storeroom (my brain) and making you put the content back in the room in some sort of order.

We were at home in the UK when we heard of our son's accident whilst he was on holiday abroad, some 4000 miles away, to date the worst phone call of my life (when I say 'my' I really mean 'our' to include my wife). In my professional life in the emergency services I had dealt with some horrendous things and thought I could handle this - WRONG! I went to pieces and on reflection how glad I am that I did, it reminded me that I still had feelings just like everyone else.

We flew out to be with our son, the longest and worst flight of my life, made worse by extensive delays. Managed to see our son at about 3am in Intensive Care, he having had spinal surgery the day previous - he was awake but obviously not with it, so we left a picture of our cats with him so that when he awoke he would know we were about.

We checked into a hotel, didn't sleep, went down for breakfast and the parting comment of the waitress, who knew why we were there was "Have a nice day!" Oh how that phrase grates on me to this day. My wife had to return to the UK after four days and because of complications (collapsed lung) I remained for a further seven with our son. We seemed to have alternate good and bad days, but it was a time when it would have been difficult to slip a piece of paper between us, we became so close - all of my day was spent with him, didn't want to be anywhere else. I kept being rebuked by staff for pushing his wheelchair, I knew he had to do it for himself one day soon, but so soon after the accident! used my own judgement and did what I felt was right and reasonable. Added to this was the row I was having with the local police for failing to investigate our son's road traffic accident properly, he was a pedestrian struck by a car. Really only another tourist soon to leave so what the hell!

On day eleven we flew back to the UK in an Air Ambulance, so glad to look down and see those patchwork fields of England - when our son was off loaded from the plane to an awaiting ambulance - yep - it was breakdown time again, tried not to show it though and I reminded myself that we still had our son, he wasn't in a sealed box. We travelled to the local general hospital where we were met by son number two and my wife. What did I hear from behind the curtains in A&E from my two son's - an exchange of jokes - the best medicine I could have been given. Three weeks later he was transferred to a Spinal Injuries Unit and stayed there for about 6 months.

During all this, complications with insurers questioning and disputing hospital bills, saying they were being overcharged (and my goodness they were, implants costing £3000 charged at $40,000). Just the type of issue I didn't need. Our son had good treatment immediately after the accident - but why submit inflated bills? People knock the NHS - I am not one of them - reading posts in this forum from other countries makes me realise how fortunate we are.

Four years on since the accident the family is changed by force of circumstance, our SCI son, has lost some functions but gained some incredible human qualities, foremost of never uttering a word of complaint or blame. What have I gained - maybe a deeper understanding of what is important in life. I have learnt from my son!

For those who will go through much the same parental experience - and sadly there will be others - hold tight, it's a bumpy, painful ride, like me you would wish you could change places with your child - but you can't - you will come through it - you will survive - you will be stronger.

Hey Dave,

Ive read your pst about 3 times now and god what a story. I have nothing but respcet and envy for how strong a person you and your wife are for coming through this. Ive spoken to you a few times before and even till this day you show nothing but strength. I hope people reading this take strength from knowing that you can get through this.

I wish you and your family all the best for the coming future.

You can keep me posted.

SPeak soon.

Pete

[fatdave]

when i was in the hospital i would get so envous of people that had parents or family members there for them. My mother died when i was 17, and my father has been in prison since i was 14, after my mother died i was left homeless and alone, got addicted to meth and got into alot of trouble trying to survive.

i've read your story many times and i wish it could be mine, my injury has seemed to have brought out the worst in the people around me, my friends are gone, my family wants me gone, everyone says im not working hard enough.

my fiance is the best part of my life, after my injury she stepped up, never made a complaint and loves me.

I cant speak for everyone, but all i wanted after my injury was to be told it was ok, to have people that loved me like you do your son.

there are so many times when i just didnt want to go on, and having a strong person by my side helped me make the choice to proceed.

i have to say that i am really touched by your story. and i know how good it can feel just to talk, and how once you start it's hard to stop.

Dave

[New Dimension]

Dave Bishopstone, on Jul 30 2008, 10:01 PM, said:

Hi,

I've written elsewhere in this forum about The Early Days, post SCI feelings of a parent of an SCI son. It's amazing how writing things down is like emptying an untidy storeroom (my brain) and making you put the content back in the room in some sort of order.

We were at home in the UK when we heard of our son's accident whilst he was on holiday abroad, some 4000 miles away, to date the worst phone call of my life (when I say 'my' I really mean 'our' to include my wife). In my professional life in the emergency services I had dealt with some horrendous things and thought I could handle this - WRONG! I went to pieces and on reflection how glad I am that I did, it reminded me that I still had feelings just like everyone else.

We flew out to be with our son, the longest and worst flight of my life, made worse by extensive delays. Managed to see our son at about 3am in Intensive Care, he having had spinal surgery the day previous - he was awake but obviously not with it, so we left a picture of our cats with him so that when he awoke he would know we were about.

We checked into a hotel, didn't sleep, went down for breakfast and the parting comment of the waitress, who knew why we were there was "Have a nice day!" Oh how that phrase grates on me to this day. My wife had to return to the UK after four days and because of complications (collapsed lung) I remained for a further seven with our son. We seemed to have alternate good and bad days, but it was a time when it would have been difficult to slip a piece of paper between us, we became so close - all of my day was spent with him, didn't want to be anywhere else. I kept being rebuked by staff for pushing his wheelchair, I knew he had to do it for himself one day soon, but so soon after the accident! used my own judgement and did what I felt was right and reasonable. Added to this was the row I was having with the local police for failing to investigate our son's road traffic accident properly, he was a pedestrian struck by a car. Really only another tourist soon to leave so what the hell!

On day eleven we flew back to the UK in an Air Ambulance, so glad to look down and see those patchwork fields of England - when our son was off loaded from the plane to an awaiting ambulance - yep - it was breakdown time again, tried not to show it though and I reminded myself that we still had our son, he wasn't in a sealed box. We travelled to the local general hospital where we were met by son number two and my wife. What did I hear from behind the curtains in A&E from my two son's - an exchange of jokes - the best medicine I could have been given. Three weeks later he was transferred to a Spinal Injuries Unit and stayed there for about 6 months.

During all this, complications with insurers questioning and disputing hospital bills, saying they were being overcharged (and my goodness they were, implants costing £3000 charged at $40,000). Just the type of issue I didn't need. Our son had good treatment immediately after the accident - but why submit inflated bills? People knock the NHS - I am not one of them - reading posts in this forum from other countries makes me realise how fortunate we are.

Four years on since the accident the family is changed by force of circumstance, our SCI son, has lost some functions but gained some incredible human qualities, foremost of never uttering a word of complaint or blame. What have I gained - maybe a deeper understanding of what is important in life. I have learnt from my son!

For those who will go through much the same parental experience - and sadly there will be others - hold tight, it's a bumpy, painful ride, like me you would wish you could change places with your child - but you can't - you will come through it - you will survive - you will be stronger.

I am having trouble holding tight!!!!!!

[cate]

It is surprising hnow are strength will come through, and love for our children is the factor.
Dave, you will have the strength for your own son, you are now showing strength to alter your life for the better, and be so proud of your partner, with that little unit, and yhour friends to help you on here, with words of wisdon or laughter, you will also get through and grow, It is amazing where this inner strength comes from. Now I amk not talking god here, ,although some will say that is what gives them there strength. To each there own, I am capricorn which star sign is a goat, you know we just keep plodding till we get there, so will you
Cate

[Dave Bishopstone]

NEW DIMENSION

I am having trouble holding tight!!!!!!
[/quote]

Hi,

I know!!! You are an anchor for your son, the truth is you need an anchor also, I have a particular faith to which I could turn which helped - but it did not remove the pain, nor provide answers, but it helped me cope - whatever faith you have, or none, you do need to express your innermost feelings and fears and of course, hopes - to someone - I think this website is invaluable in helping people to do just that - unfortunately I was unaware of its existence at the time - I would have drawn much comfort and knowledge from it.

My thoughts go to you and yours!

Dave

Edited by Dave Bishopstone, 10 August 2008 - 02:13 PM.

[Dave Bishopstone]

fatdave, on Aug 10 2008, 09:40 AM, said:

when i was in the hospital i would get so envous of people that had parents or family members there for them. My mother died when i was 17, and my father has been in prison since i was 14, after my mother died i was left homeless and alone, got addicted to meth and got into alot of trouble trying to survive.

i've read your story many times and i wish it could be mine, my injury has seemed to have brought out the worst in the people around me, my friends are gone, my family wants me gone, everyone says im not working hard enough.

my fiance is the best part of my life, after my injury she stepped up, never made a complaint and loves me.

I cant speak for everyone, but all i wanted after my injury was to be told it was ok, to have people that loved me like you do your son.

there are so many times when i just didnt want to go on, and having a strong person by my side helped me make the choice to proceed.

i have to say that i am really touched by your story. and i know how good it can feel just to talk, and how once you start it's hard to stop.

Dave

Hi Dave

Thanks for your comment. So sorry that folk were not about when you felt you needed them most - the one thing I couldn't tell our son was that it would be "OK" Because I simply didn't know that myself for certain, I too was struggling - but the message I hope that, as parents we were and do still convey, is that "We are here alongside you". Now four years on that has changed to "We are here alongside you, if you need us". Like you with your fiancee, and I am so pleased that now you have soneone alongside you, our son is to marry - we as parents move aside to 'the wings' and his wife joins him 'centre stage'.

With all good wishes for your future

(another) Dave

Edited by Dave Bishopstone, 10 August 2008 - 02:24 PM.

[Dave Bishopstone]

sexyfunkyboy, on Aug 10 2008, 09:13 AM, said:

Dave Bishopstone, on Jul 30 2008, 10:01 PM, said:

Hi,

I've written elsewhere in this forum about The Early Days, post SCI feelings of a parent of an SCI son. It's amazing how writing things down is like emptying an untidy storeroom (my brain) and making you put the content back in the room in some sort of order.

We were at home in the UK when we heard of our son's accident whilst he was on holiday abroad, some 4000 miles away, to date the worst phone call of my life (when I say 'my' I really mean 'our' to include my wife). In my professional life in the emergency services I had dealt with some horrendous things and thought I could handle this - WRONG! I went to pieces and on reflection how glad I am that I did, it reminded me that I still had feelings just like everyone else.

We flew out to be with our son, the longest and worst flight of my life, made worse by extensive delays. Managed to see our son at about 3am in Intensive Care, he having had spinal surgery the day previous - he was awake but obviously not with it, so we left a picture of our cats with him so that when he awoke he would know we were about.

We checked into a hotel, didn't sleep, went down for breakfast and the parting comment of the waitress, who knew why we were there was "Have a nice day!" Oh how that phrase grates on me to this day. My wife had to return to the UK after four days and because of complications (collapsed lung) I remained for a further seven with our son. We seemed to have alternate good and bad days, but it was a time when it would have been difficult to slip a piece of paper between us, we became so close - all of my day was spent with him, didn't want to be anywhere else. I kept being rebuked by staff for pushing his wheelchair, I knew he had to do it for himself one day soon, but so soon after the accident! used my own judgement and did what I felt was right and reasonable. Added to this was the row I was having with the local police for failing to investigate our son's road traffic accident properly, he was a pedestrian struck by a car. Really only another tourist soon to leave so what the hell!

On day eleven we flew back to the UK in an Air Ambulance, so glad to look down and see those patchwork fields of England - when our son was off loaded from the plane to an awaiting ambulance - yep - it was breakdown time again, tried not to show it though and I reminded myself that we still had our son, he wasn't in a sealed box. We travelled to the local general hospital where we were met by son number two and my wife. What did I hear from behind the curtains in A&E from my two son's - an exchange of jokes - the best medicine I could have been given. Three weeks later he was transferred to a Spinal Injuries Unit and stayed there for about 6 months.

During all this, complications with insurers questioning and disputing hospital bills, saying they were being overcharged (and my goodness they were, implants costing £3000 charged at $40,000). Just the type of issue I didn't need. Our son had good treatment immediately after the accident - but why submit inflated bills? People knock the NHS - I am not one of them - reading posts in this forum from other countries makes me realise how fortunate we are.

Four years on since the accident the family is changed by force of circumstance, our SCI son, has lost some functions but gained some incredible human qualities, foremost of never uttering a word of complaint or blame. What have I gained - maybe a deeper understanding of what is important in life. I have learnt from my son!

For those who will go through much the same parental experience - and sadly there will be others - hold tight, it's a bumpy, painful ride, like me you would wish you could change places with your child - but you can't - you will come through it - you will survive - you will be stronger.

Hey Dave,

Ive read your pst about 3 times now and god what a story. I have nothing but respcet and envy for how strong a person you and your wife are for coming through this. Ive spoken to you a few times before and even till this day you show nothing but strength. I hope people reading this take strength from knowing that you can get through this.

I wish you and your family all the best for the coming future.

You can keep me posted.

SPeak soon.

Pete

Hi Pete,

Thanks for your kind comments - as you know, some of the strength we drew from our son, in the manner he, and dare I say yourself, deal with SCI - it made our role that much easier - love and understanding is very much a two way street.

Cheers

Dave