[kate]

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. For the first time since becoming a wheelchair user I hit a really low point. I don't feel low very often and never as low as last night. It was pretty desperate and thus a bit of a bolt from the blue, I suddenly felt (and still feel) I've had enough. Added to that, I'm bloody angry with myself for not dealing with this. WTF is going on? Help.

This post has been edited by kate: 07 August 2008 - 09:12 AM

[qbounce]

Hi Kate,

17 years is a good amount of time with this under your belt. After reading and being apart of a few of your previous posts, I truly hope I'm faring half as well as you've done for yourself . . .

Sending good wishes your way, and a happy pill if I could.

[Dave Bishopstone]

kate, on Aug 7 2008, 10:12 AM, said:

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. For the first time since becoming a wheelchair user I hit a really low point. I don't feel low very often and never as low as last night. It was pretty desperate and thus a bit of a bolt from the blue, I suddenly felt (and still feel) I've had enough. Added to that, I'm bloody angry with myself for not dealing with this. WTF is going on? Help.

Hi Kate,

You ask "WTF is going on?" Much the same as with all of us SCI or AB alike - part of being human, the up's and sadly, the down's which hopefully will not be a long staying and unwelcome guest. Hang on in there!

Dave

This post has been edited by Dave Bishopstone: 07 August 2008 - 10:46 AM

[kate]

Thanks both. I guess what's behind it is I've had enough of not being me. I've finally realised that the biggest identifier of who I am just isn't possible to do anymore and I don't have anything else to identify me. </whinge>

Pah. I'll probably feel better after a decent nights sleep.

[qbounce]

Well, in your case beauty sleep won't be necessary.
Damn . . . those EYES!!

[cate]

Hi Kate
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down, Not surprising that you must have times, when it all seems too much. Sorry that I cannot give you any uplifting thoughts of ideas, you usually do well yourself.
Do you have any family arounds you that maybe is not helping ?
perhaps the sun will come out soon and put a smile on your face. Sorry nothing constrructive, but sending you my best thoughts
Cate

[topperf]

it's f@cked, but as dave says, it's human - maybe we're just a wee bit closer to the down department? I've got happy/sad intervals lasting 5 minutes... think i'm going loco sometimes! not much to do with the distance between us but, this always make me smile: http://www.youtube.c...h?v=MeSSwKffj9o DON'T hit the link if you think making fun of religion is ludicrous..
all the best.

t.

[Oldsparkie]

kate, on Aug 7 2008, 09:29 PM, said:

Thanks both. I guess what's behind it is I've had enough of not being me. I've finally realised that the biggest identifier of who I am just isn't possible to do anymore and I don't have anything else to identify me. </whinge>

Pah. I'll probably feel better after a decent nights sleep.

Hi Kate

I hope a good night's sleep helped. I am an old Aussie buffer who has had floppies for only half your seventeen years so who am I to really understand. All I know is that black periods do pass, but little things sometimes bring em back. I loved your picture going to the ball with your friend.....just as well he didn't bite!

Surely your radient personality and good looks are plenty enough to identify who you are without worrying about what we have lost.

Hope that helps just a little, just hang in there it will pass.

[sits2much]

You have come so far and have accomplished so much... Here is a reading that helps me sometimes when I feel not in control!!

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember
that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not
attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do)
box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your
life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this
world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of
work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who
has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in
dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her
children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think
of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in
chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking
what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long
enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance,
smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be
one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; thank you, you may have touched
their life in ways you will never know

When you think you have it bad, there is someone out there who wishes he
or she had it as good as you do.

Be nice to everyone, because everybody is wrestling with their own personal
"giants".

FORGIVE AND FORGET. A grudge is like a termite in your soul.

Remember life is very short. The next life is very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, LONG. Sometimes our "big" problems are actually small
ones.

Submitted by Shirley.

[E-DOG]

kate, on Aug 7 2008, 02:12 AM, said:

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. For the first time since becoming a wheelchair user I hit a really low point. I don't feel low very often and never as low as last night.
I'm bloody angry with myself for not dealing with this. WTF is going on? Help.

Mon Ami,
If you made it through last night and that's the lowest it's ever been, then it's all gravy from here on babe.
And whadayamean angry for not dealing with this? Ya made sure I found out about it didn't cha?
And as fer help, I'm having three out of work clowns, a carton of luckies and a case of cheap champain emergency dropshipped by helicopter.
Should be there as soon as we get mom (she's the pilot) sobered up and out of the shower. She spent the night with a platoon of Marines
just back from Iraq and stinks to high heaven. At 83 she can still drink 'em all under the table, then get under the table with 'em! What a trouper eh?
I'd come out there myself but I just finished talking our governor, Mr. Schwartsenegger down from a rather sticky situation with two ten dollar crack whores and an angry Motel six manager and I'm kinda beat.
But I'm there in spirit. Just fry up a tortilla, you'll see my face somewhere on the burnt part. See it there? People mistake me fer Jesus all the time.
So sweat not my sweet, da dawg is on it.
Just take a deep breath 'n suck the happy vibes in, then exhale and blow the sad vibes out.
E-dog

[kate]

Bloody hell. Now I really feel like crying. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What generous people.

qbounce - you smoothie! Thank you, always lovely to get a compliment like that xxx
cate - thank you for the vibes, they are really appreciated. My family are all cool, they live a way away, but it probably works better that way, they're just as opinionated as me ;)
topper - Very good!
Oldsparkie - thank you, yes that does help (and I got a good sleep too ;) ). Although I don't really rate my looks or personality. But yeah, I need to find something I *can* do to identify with rather than hankering after something else.
sits2much - A good reminder to keep things in perspective, thank you
And E-Dog - thank you xxx

[Oldsparkie]

Hi again Kate from way Downunder.

Glad you had a good sleep it sure helps get one's mind back together. Re your comment "I need to find something I *can* do to identify with rather than hankering after something else."

I am sure all us para/quads can relate to that, infact I think a lot of AB's can too. I was lucky I guess that I was 50 when I lost it all, and had enjoyed many of lifes experiences that in a way have been denied to those injured young...I really feel for you guys.

On the other hand I for one have had many life experiences that I would never have had without my "fall from grace"

Hopefully today will be better for you and the day after better still.

[nomis]

Kate, I'm not wanting to sound like a spoil-sport but I'm not convinced that feeling better after a good night's sleep is going to help you in the long run.

I'm wondering that, after 17 years of managing ok, you're maybe fed up with living a pretence. There's so much pressure on all people to conform to our own expectations and the expectations of those around us. It gets tiresome keeping up the facade and I think you're lucky when you get a strong message (ie depression) telling you it's time to change things.

When you say "...I've had enough of not being me" I don't think you should apply that only to your injury. That may be a contributor to your situation but I bet there are other, probably more significant, factors.

Who you are is not your spinal injury. But who you are is how you deal with that and how you chose to live. If you're having trouble with confidence in your identity but have managed up to now, doesn't that just indicate that you've reached a new, more mature stage in your life where you need to reassess what it's all about and where you are going. It's an opportunity to have a spring clean - get rid of the rubbish, reassess those things you always wanted to do but never did, and maybe try something completely new.

In the meantime, here's a secular prayer a friend gave me yesterday that you may enjoy to ponder:

"Bring me to the company of those who seek the truth, and deliver me from those who have found it."

[kate]

Nomiss you're very wise.

I am going throiugh a new stage in my life, there have been some pretty radical changes very recently. I guess this new state has forced a reevaluation, and I've been unconscious to it until reading your post. I have to admit to being a little lost as to where to go next, what to do, but, strangely, I have been considering lots of options, things I haven't considered doing before. I'm definitely shedding the constant apologising though.

Thank you so much for your post, it's clarified my feelings which has helped enormously. I loved the prayer too