15 replies to this topic

[timex365]

I'm 43 years old I was injured on 28 of June on the Guadeloupe river. I was with a bunch of friends we weren't paying attention on the river the next thing we know we were heading for the dam. We formed a human chain to get to safety. It was one of the hardest things to hold on to someone's wet hand while being pulled by the current at the same time I lost my grip and I went for a life altering plunge.

I knew soon as I hit I was hurt I didn't know how bad it was, there was this man who saw it happen so he called EMS and he swims to me and held on to me and got me close to shore. It seemed like a dream to me at first till the pain hit me. and the look on my friends faces when they got there and saw me being loaded in the life flight chopper. They flew me to Level 1 trauma center in San Antonio were i was told i had a T 5 injury and i have to wear this brace after surgery to stabilize my spine. My world has been turned upside down. See I lost my dad on 8/2/07 and my mom on 5/11/08.My friends wanted to get me out of my depressed state so they made me go to the river i had no choice and then my accident happened, Some luck.

So i just got home a week ago from rehab. Most of my friends don't know how to act around me and my mood swings,and I'm angry i feel like the are scared of me now they don't know how to help me or the make excuses not to come over. I resent them for treating different. Help i don't want to lose my friends or my mind either.
Lisa

[Slowlegs]

timex365, on Sep 1 2008, 06:48 AM, said:

I'm 43 years old I was injured on 28 of June on the Guadeloupe river. I was with a bunch of friends we weren't paying attention on the river the next thing we know we were heading for the dam. We formed a human chain to get to safety. It was one of the hardest things to hold on to someone's wet hand while being pulled by the current at the same time I lost my grip and I went for a life altering plunge.

I knew soon as I hit I was hurt I didn't know how bad it was, there was this man who saw it happen so he called EMS and he swims to me and held on to me and got me close to shore. It seemed like a dream to me at first till the pain hit me. and the look on my friends faces when they got there and saw me being loaded in the life flight chopper. They flew me to Level 1 trauma center in San Antonio were i was told i had a T 5 injury and i have to wear this brace after surgery to stabilize my spine. My world has been turned upside down. See I lost my dad on 8/2/07 and my mom on 5/11/08.My friends wanted to get me out of my depressed state so they made me go to the river i had no choice and then my accident happened, Some luck.

So i just got home a week ago from rehab. Most of my friends don't know how to act around me and my mood swings,and I'm angry i feel like the are scared of me now they don't know how to help me or the make excuses not to come over. I resent them for treating different. Help i don't want to lose my friends or my mind either.
Lisa

Hi Lisa,

I had just turned 18 when I had my injury. I lost all of my friends for quite some time. The good ones I have back and some I am glad stayed away. A serious accident will change you and it may also change the way your friends react to you. Your life will change vastly and some of your friends may not be able to identify with your injury and new activity and emotional levels.
I know there can be bitterness and that is acceptable, especially in your case. It is a natural part of the grieving process. The current you is going to get angry and grumpy and short tempered for some time but that should eventually change once you get used and adjust to who the new you is. That could take a long time or it may be a bit quicker. I am sure your friends had your best interests at heart when they decided to ask you on the outing to the dam and please try to remember that.
I know they will be feeling guilty, etc and perhaps some of them are probably finding it hard to be around you because of that. Perhaps you could talk to a counsellor about your feelings and also talk to your friends about your fears of losing them, etc. Good luck with your friends and keeping the ones you want.
I am sure that as a lot of the others on here will attest to, all of us would have had friends before our injuries, only after them do we realise who our true friends really are. Try to make new friends too, you can never have too many of them.

[nomis]

Take action now before your friends drift further away. Contact say 3 of them to come at the same time, that you have something important that you have to tell them and they have to come. When you're all gathered tell them of your fears of losing their friendship, tell them how important they are to you, and ask for their ideas. Have a discussion about the accident and what your injury now means. A bit of effort now will pay off in the long run.

[Travelling Blackbird]

As Nomis said, open communication is the best way to go.

Of course you're angry. Of course your mood is going to swing. I lashed out a lot in my first year in the chair, to the point where even very close friends didn't want to have anything to do with me. I learned to talk to them, they learned to talk to me.

It's only been a week out of rehab, and you and your friends have a lot to learn. Give yourself the opportunity to speak to them, in smaller groups, and open up the dialogue.

[StellaLAtella]

Lisa,
First let me tell you how sorry I am for the enormous loss of both of your parents so close together. I lost my mother one year ago this month and I can relate to the whole world being turned upside down in that alone. She had taken care of me from day one and never left my side. She was my protector and my biggest cheerleader and I still want to pick up the phone to call her.

That's a wise suggestion from Nomis. I would call my close friends and INSIST they come to your home where you can have a very candid conversation with them. It probably won't be easy, but do be patient. Your friends may come around in time to understand your perspective. Only you can relay to them how you are coping, feeling, adjusting, etc. Hang in there! You've got the support of some great people here on this site.
Best to You!
~Stella

[timex365]

Slowlegs, on Aug 31 2008, 11:16 PM, said:

timex365, on Sep 1 2008, 06:48 AM, said:

I'm 43 years old I was injured on 28 of June on the Guadeloupe river. I was with a bunch of friends we weren't paying attention on the river the next thing we know we were heading for the dam. We formed a human chain to get to safety. It was one of the hardest things to hold on to someone's wet hand while being pulled by the current at the same time I lost my grip and I went for a life altering plunge.

I knew soon as I hit I was hurt I didn't know how bad it was, there was this man who saw it happen so he called EMS and he swims to me and held on to me and got me close to shore. It seemed like a dream to me at first till the pain hit me. and the look on my friends faces when they got there and saw me being loaded in the life flight chopper. They flew me to Level 1 trauma center in San Antonio were i was told i had a T 5 injury and i have to wear this brace after surgery to stabilize my spine. My world has been turned upside down. See I lost my dad on 8/2/07 and my mom on 5/11/08.My friends wanted to get me out of my depressed state so they made me go to the river i had no choice and then my accident happened, Some luck.

So i just got home a week ago from rehab. Most of my friends don't know how to act around me and my mood swings,and I'm angry i feel like the are scared of me now they don't know how to help me or the make excuses not to come over. I resent them for treating different. Help i don't want to lose my friends or my mind either.
Lisa

Hi Lisa,

I had just turned 18 when I had my injury. I lost all of my friends for quite some time. The good ones I have back and some I am glad stayed away. A serious accident will change you and it may also change the way your friends react to you. Your life will change vastly and some of your friends may not be able to identify with your injury and new activity and emotional levels.
I know there can be bitterness and that is acceptable, especially in your case. It is a natural part of the grieving process. The current you is going to get angry and grumpy and short tempered for some time but that should eventually change once you get used and adjust to who the new you is. That could take a long time or it may be a bit quicker. I am sure your friends had your best interests at heart when they decided to ask you on the outing to the dam and please try to remember that.
I know they will be feeling guilty, etc and perhaps some of them are probably finding it hard to be around you because of that. Perhaps you could talk to a counsellor about your feelings and also talk to your friends about your fears of losing them, etc. Good luck with your friends and keeping the ones you want.
I am sure that as a lot of the others on here will attest to, all of us would have had friends before our injuries, only after them do we realise who our true friends really are. Try to make new friends too, you can never have too many of them.

Thank you so very much for your advice i was starting to feel hopeless,till you answered my plea for help.I will make and appointment as soon as possible to talk to a councilor about how i feel,and then my friends next.

[timex365]

StellaLAtella, on Sep 1 2008, 09:02 AM, said:

Lisa,
First let me tell you how sorry I am for the enormous loss of both of your parents so close together. I lost my mother one year ago this month and I can relate to the whole world being turned upside down in that alone. She had taken care of me from day one and never left my side. She was my protector and my biggest cheerleader and I still want to pick up the phone to call her.

That's a wise suggestion from Nomis. I would call my close friends and INSIST they come to your home where you can have a very candid conversation with them. It probably won't be easy, but do be patient. Your friends may come around in time to understand your perspective. Only you can relay to them how you are coping, feeling, adjusting, etc. Hang in there! You've got the support of some great people here on this site.
Best to You!
~Stella

Stella
I'm so sorry that your mom is gone. I wrote this to help me cope, i would like to share it with you.

Mom,
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

Mom i miss you so bad,
Ican't fight the saddness
I wish I had one more hugg,
squeeze and kiss,
so you can help me get over this.

[timex365]

Travelling Blackbird, on Sep 1 2008, 03:16 AM, said:

As Nomis said, open communication is the best way to go.

Of course you're angry. Of course your mood is going to swing. I lashed out a lot in my first year in the chair, to the point where even very close friends didn't want to have anything to do with me. I learned to talk to them, they learned to talk to me.

It's only been a week out of rehab, and you and your friends have a lot to learn. Give yourself the opportunity to speak to them, in smaller groups, and open up the dialogue.

Derek
Thank you so very much for you advice, I know i have a lot to learn i'm a toddler on wheels so it seems. any advice you want to throw my way i would appreciate. I did stand up to one of my friends there were asking people to move out of the way to let the handicap through i popped off ( i'm not handicapped i'm handicapable)

[timex365]

nomis, on Sep 1 2008, 02:02 AM, said:

Take action now before your friends drift further away. Contact say 3 of them to come at the same time, that you have something important that you have to tell them and they have to come. When you're all gathered tell them of your fears of losing their friendship, tell them how important they are to you, and ask for their ideas. Have a discussion about the accident and what your injury now means. A bit of effort now will pay off in the long run.

Nomis
Thank you so very much for your advice i will invite at least 3 of my friends and talk to them,I let you know how it went.
Lisa

[Travelling Blackbird]

timex365, on Sep 1 2008, 09:30 PM, said:

Derek
Thank you so very much for you advice, I know i have a lot to learn i'm a toddler on wheels so it seems. any advice you want to throw my way i would appreciate. I did stand up to one of my friends there were asking people to move out of the way to let the handicap through i popped off ( i'm not handicapped i'm handicapable)

Lisa,
That's a good example of the things you have to learn - both sides. Your friends have to learn that you don't want to be referred to as handicapped or have them clear crowds for you: I can understand that totally, because I hate it when someone draws attention to me in that way. And you'll find yourself learning how to communicate that with them without getting mad.

Being helped takes time to get used to. Sometimes you have to get help from people. I have to get help to get onto most German trains, because there's too much of a step for me to manage on my own. I didn't like that, and I rebelled against it for years. Now I find myself more at peace with it.

Derek.

[qbounce]

Healing takes time, and it may even take longer if you don't own up to the responsibility you took when going to the river. Sorry but it bothered me when you said, "they made me go to the river i had no choice."

Of course you went, and of course you had a choice. Maybe you're friend's feel guilty because of statements like this?

I am sorry for your dealings of late and hope things work out for you.

[longhaul]

Hi Lisa you are different now that's just the way it is. It will take time for you to get use to your new situation and it will take time for your friends to get use to it also. Don't take it personal some people are uncomfortable around people with SCI and there isn't anything you can do about it. Don't stress on it as that will make it worse people don't like being around stressed out people. I wish there was an easy way but it takes time so just hang in there and keep a positive attitude. Take care............

[Slowlegs]

longhaul, on Sep 2 2008, 03:53 AM, said:

Hi Lisa you are different now that's just the way it is. It will take time for you to get use to your new situation and it will take time for your friends to get use to it also. Don't take it personal some people are uncomfortable around people with SCI and there isn't anything you can do about it. Don't stress on it as that will make it worse people don't like being around stressed out people. I wish there was an easy way but it takes time so just hang in there and keep a positive attitude. Take care............

Yes, some (or even a lot of) people do unfortunately feel awkward around someone who is in a chair or with some form of disability. To be honest, I used to a bit myself. Once the disabled person is comfortable with their "situation" though, a lot more people will feel comfortable being around them too. Looks like you're making some good friends already.

[Heather1984]

I have found out that you find out who your real friends are. My accident was in march of this year. While some of my friends have stayed by my side others have seemed to just fade away. The worst part is that my then best friend was in the wreck with me (she is fine now she only had a few broken bones) wont talk to me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I still don't know the real reason why. I think that people don't know how to react to the sudden change. They feel helpless because they don't know what they can do to help you. I would say let them know you need them to treat you the same way they did before. My husband is having a hard time with it because he was the one driving. At times I think it is hard for him to look at me because he feels so guilty. We are working on it and I have to make sure he knows that I am not mad at him in any way for this. It is hard to adjust to being in a chair. Once you realize that you can still live it will be much better. Try to surround yourself with positive people. The ones who really love you will always be there. I hope things get better for you!

[Emily C]

HI, Lisa

I'm so sorry to hear about all that u are going through.

My condition is congenital, it was a slow, painful process for me to loose my ability to walk.

Thank God my friends have stuck by me. Your TRUE friends will remain. The others, u will realize, weren't worth it. They may have been b4 ur accident, but you need them now. They should be there for you NOW.

I was dx/ 12-28-07. I'm a low para. Please PM me if you'd like!

[Travelling Blackbird]

Heather1984, on Sep 7 2008, 12:46 AM, said:

I have found out that you find out who your real friends are. My accident was in march of this year. While some of my friends have stayed by my side others have seemed to just fade away. The worst part is that my then best friend was in the wreck with me (she is fine now she only had a few broken bones) wont talk to me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I still don't know the real reason why. I think that people don't know how to react to the sudden change. They feel helpless because they don't know what they can do to help you. I would say let them know you need them to treat you the same way they did before. My husband is having a hard time with it because he was the one driving. At times I think it is hard for him to look at me because he feels so guilty. We are working on it and I have to make sure he knows that I am not mad at him in any way for this. It is hard to adjust to being in a chair. Once you realize that you can still live it will be much better. Try to surround yourself with positive people. The ones who really love you will always be there. I hope things get better for you!

Have you ever read up on survivor's guilt? It doesn't just apply to people who survive while others die, but also people who survive uninjured/short-term injured while others survive with major, lasting injuries. It sounds like it might be part of what is behind your friend's behavior.