37 replies to this topic

[fatdave]

i really cant go on anymore, if you dont know my fiance left me monday. after 3 years of pouring my heart,soul, health and love into making sure we had what she needed, healthcare,mental help for emotional problems, and rasing a child that isnt mine but loving him all the same. she says she cant do it anymore and runs off. she keeps telling me she is trying to help me, wanting to be with me, just not live with me or help me with the care side.

She states she wants her freedom, that is, she wants to be able to run off for days on end and spend money.

the result is me being taken care of by people who dont want to do it, and that i get saractic remarks from everyday.

Of all the shit i've been through in my life this hurts the most.

I cant think of living anymore. im going crazy, i cant eat and i cant sleep, i cant function. no one understands why.

I'm 25, obese, shit my drawers and cant work anymore. i can barely get out my door.

These feelings have to stop or i dont know what will do, i cant think of anything other than not being here

[Yong]

Hey Dave,

Have you tried anti-depressant medication? I actually started on my first dose today.

There are the societal views on anti-depressant drugs that may not be totally positive..but they do work. They do help take the edge of the pains and suffering of living.

I don't think anything we can say or do can put you back on your feet right away..but try the meds... they'll help you long enough so that you can find reasons to go on and live strong again.

Good luck, buddy.

[Hapahowlee]

Hey Dave,

You didn't really answer any questions when I wrote you back. What's going on with stabilizing everything else? Housing, healthcare, meds, etc.

I know it hurts, but you are your first priority. As I recall you had a lot of issues that needed to be resolved before you went into the hospital and before your GF left. What's happenin' man?

[fatdave]

i'am on cymbalta, and before that i was on anti-depressants since i was around 13.

My housing is up in the air still, i have no transportation, no money, and this is the only support system i have. my friends are gone, my mother is dead and my father is in prison, one of my sisters is untreated bi-polar nutter that is proud of those facts.

my life was going great until last month when she (my fiance) got off her meds and started acting weird, we had found an apartment that we needed to wait until next week to put a deposit down.

everything was looking up. she started a fight monday about something i said then asked me if i would hold it against her if she left me. i answered honestly and told her yes, i would. That started a huge fight in which she cussed me, hit me and screamed at me for an hour about how i was ruining her life.

She called me the next day and ask if i would see devin, i told her no. that would be too hard on me, he is my son i told her and i have raised him since he was born, hell i was the first person to hold him. i begged her to come back and she said she would.

the next day she called and said she wanted her freedom and needed to be a "young person" to have friends and run around. i want to make it clear i never held her down and made her stay with me 24/7 she could go anywhere she wanted, the thing is she wanted to run everyday and spend money we dont have.

thursday we were going to work it out and she was going to come back until the apartment was ready, and i had all the money.

today she called and said that she wants to be with me, just not care for me or live with me. or even see me but once in a while. thats not a F*@#ing relationship, thats a "i'll come around when i need money"

She doesnt want to move into our own apartment because she doesnt want to leave me hanging if its too much to handle, she hates to clean, or be to raise her child and she's now living with a friend and her family, sleeping on a floor because someone will watch her kid and let her sit around all day.

It hurts so bad, i've been abandoned so many times in my life. this is like reliving it all again, at a time in my life when i need someone to hold, and talk to, she takes off. she told me when i called her when i was in the hospital after they told me my life would never be the same that i wanted to break it off before i got hurt....5 months later its over....

she's happy as a pig in shit, im left a mess.

[Murray]

fatdave, on Sep 11 2008, 07:56 PM, said:

i'am on cymbalta, and before that i was on anti-depressants since i was around 13.

My housing is up in the air still, i have no transportation, no money, and this is the only support system i have. my friends are gone, my mother is dead and my father is in prison, one of my sisters is untreated bi-polar nutter that is proud of those facts.

my life was going great until last month when she (my fiance) got off her meds and started acting weird, we had found an apartment that we needed to wait until next week to put a deposit down.

everything was looking up. she started a fight monday about something i said then asked me if i would hold it against her if she left me. i answered honestly and told her yes, i would. That started a huge fight in which she cussed me, hit me and screamed at me for an hour about how i was ruining her life.

She called me the next day and ask if i would see devin, i told her no. that would be too hard on me, he is my son i told her and i have raised him since he was born, hell i was the first person to hold him. i begged her to come back and she said she would.

the next day she called and said she wanted her freedom and needed to be a "young person" to have friends and run around. i want to make it clear i never held her down and made her stay with me 24/7 she could go anywhere she wanted, the thing is she wanted to run everyday and spend money we dont have.

thursday we were going to work it out and she was going to come back until the apartment was ready, and i had all the money.

today she called and said that she wants to be with me, just not care for me or live with me. or even see me but once in a while. thats not a F*@#ing relationship, thats a "i'll come around when i need money"

She doesnt want to move into our own apartment because she doesnt want to leave me hanging if its too much to handle, she hates to clean, or be to raise her child and she's now living with a friend and her family, sleeping on a floor because someone will watch her kid and let her sit around all day.

It hurts so bad, i've been abandoned so many times in my life. this is like reliving it all again, at a time in my life when i need someone to hold, and talk to, she takes off. she told me when i called her when i was in the hospital after they told me my life would never be the same that i wanted to break it off before i got hurt....5 months later its over....

she's happy as a pig in shit, im left a mess.

Hello Dave -

I'm not gonna bs you and say stuff like, "I know just what you're goin' through, man." Nobody does. Sure, we've (AB & disAB alike) all had our demons, down times, etc. But none of us lives the other's life. The only thing I can say - and mean - is that I'm thinkin' about ya'. Ain't much. But it's somethin'. And you know there are hundreds more on this site that are doin' the same. Hang in there. Maybe the good tho'ts will carry ya' thru the shit.

-Lynn

[Hapahowlee]

Seems like you are better off. The pain will get easier each day, really! You just have to take those baby steps and work on what's best for you. Someone spending your money that you don't really have is not helping you. Don't get into a pattern of letting people suck the life out of you because they make you feel bad for not doing as they want you to. If you do, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

You seem like a very kind hearted person and deserve someone who will treat you with mutual respect. If you need someone to take care of you, the State will pay for that. Just be sure you feel comfortable with anyone that is sent to your home. I've known people who have gotten ripped off because they are too kind and let their home health aids, run up phone bills, borrow money and not pay it back or just flat out steal your cash. Just always keep in mind, you have to take care of #1 and that's you DAVE! It's the only way you are going to pull out of this. You have social workers to help you with some of your needs, but you are responsible for protecting yourself. Don't surround yourself with people who will only take advantage of you.

[tc761]

its hard to comment on this cause you said everything that leads me to believe that she really don't give a truck. My first thought is to tell you to forget about her. try to move on. but it would sound harsh. well i guess i said it anyway! there is life after a break up!

[fatdave]

What hurts so much is that i gave so much over the last 3 years, i dealt with physical,emotional and verbal abuse. I got her help to deal with being raped and molested and stood by her when she stood up to her abusive parents, i took her out of a disgusting, cock roach infested house and into a clean, warm family enviorment.

I raised her son, never denied him, provided insurance and a stable life. Many times i did without so they could have something. I spent thousands on her therapy, meds, taking her to support groups.

i got rid of most of my friends because she didnt like them, or they dont come around because of her.

i hurt, after everything i did she treats me like this.

It hurts so bad and i cant see a future anymore.

[Ches]

it doesnt hurt cause you did so much for her, just hurts cause u love her. Its completely normal, expected and acceptable. Cry if you need. Mope around. Whatever it takes to release some of the hurt. But, like Hapa said.. DONT FORGET ABOUT YOU.

Right now in your life is a complete Fight or Flight moment. Its up to you..

We are all here to support you..

[qbounce]

It's hard enough living with a new disability. Throw an "unstable" GF or spouse in the mix and it's damn near impossible.

Dave,
with her off to the side, focus on YOU and your issues. Now's the opportunity to deal with the things you couldn't before, maybe because the focus was on the family you had or her needs in general. Well, this new situation's going to sting like a M:censored:THER F:censored:KER for a while. But dude, she doesn't deserve you!

Been there, and I'm MUCH better off now that my ex isn't here!! REALLY!!! I've got a new squeeze waiting in the wings now WITHOUT all the issues/ complications the last one had.

Talk to the therapists, nurses, doctors, etc. People with your attitude end up hooking up with cute staff members every day!!

Be well

[JT80]

hey dave,
sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds pretty goddam bad and must hurt. BUT, like q says things take time and coming out the other side can reveal a better situation than you'll have ever imagined.
it sounds like your fiance, unlike you, doesn't have the stomach for a fight and unfortunately thats what you're in right now. having to 'carry' an extra person in a fight doesn't help. this is going to strip you down to who you really are and it won't all be pretty but you'll be 10 times the guy you thought you were in time.
try and stay positive dave, take it head on. good luck.jt

[china]

Hi dave,

thinkin about you, you deserve better and you will get it.

Hang in there mate,

love maria x

[E-DOG]

FD,
You're a fan of mine. I'm a fan of yours.
Your ol' lady may come back, may not. She is not your other half. YOU are a whole person either way.
I have for the most part, been alone on this earth all my life. A few short relationships, couple of close friends here and there. But never married, any and all family dead and gone since I was in my twenties. So the buck stops right here, right now.

If nothing else, it's made me fast on my feet (and now my wheels) and I'm independent enough because of it that I can handle most anything that comes my way. Including a catastrophic injury and the results at age fifty.
I'm not going to tell you you're better off with out the ol' lady. At this point in time you ain't gonna believe it. Sounds like she's an emotional sponge, and a bit of a bloodsucker. But hey. whaterugonnado? Better than waking up naked next to a dead policeman. Right?

What ever happens to her will happen, that's on her not you. But you do have the time now to focus on YOU. Get yer feces swept up and in one container. Housing, care, food, bills, transportation. Take care of you. And if you're feeling a little better in a few days, I'll tell you how I lost over 100 pounds in only 4 days. No exercise, diet, or surgery of any kind.

But first a limerick.

there was a young fellow named dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave
he said "what the hell, i don't mind the smell,
and think of the money i save"

pm me if u want, ain't like i'm busy runnin' some third world country or anything
E-dog

[nomis]

It only hurts because you have loved. Never let yourself love and you'll avoid hurt. Personally, I'd rather go with the rocky road of loves AND hurts.

Just a thought, Dave, try taking a step back from your life - as though you are an agent of god looking at this guy's life. It's quite a story and not like anyone else's. See what he has endured and what he has enjoyed and loved. Many changes. He's got this far and the story is far from over.

OK, you've got big challenges. But who better to deal with those challenges?

[Hapahowlee]

Hey Dave,

Something else I wanted to share with you. First like Ches wrote, just cry or mope and release whatever you're feeling. It's only natural for you to feel this way because of all the love you've poured into this relationship. The thing I wanted to convey to you is what helped me through and abusive relationship many years ago. I finally got pissed. I realized I was taken advantage of and just decided the way I was treated was unacceptable. I deserved better and getting pissed about it helped me get over the relationship I had with this guy for 9 long years. We lived together 6 out of the 9 and he was hoarding his extra money when we were supposed to be putting ours together in the bank. But, he wasn't putting all of his in the bank. He had hidden some from me and placed it into investments for himself. His best friend who was also a good friend of mine from high school called me to come over and he told me everything. I was devastated not only about the money, but also he cheated on me. Talk about shitty. I kept a nice home, did all the cooking and cleaning just like Mrs. Cleaver and I got shit on. I felt as if I wasted 9 years of my life, but if I had not been with that asshole, it would not have led me to Mr. Hapa. Part of life is learning lessons and your learning right now. I don't want you to let people take advantage of you, so don't let me down. Take your time to grieve and pick yourself off and dust yourself off and get back on the road to living. You still have many years of that to do.

Now E-Dog wrote ya a little limerick and here's one from me.

Here’s Dave expressing his woes
He’s getting things right, even his whoes
It will take some time
To get rid of the slime
But he’ll soon be back on his toes

With a little help from his friends/family of course . . . all of us!

Keep your chin up!

Hapa

[E-DOG]

[quote name='Hapahowlee' date='Sep 12 2008, 05:23 PM' post='73229'

Now E-Dog wrote ya a little limerick and here's one from me.

Here's Dave expressing his woes
He's getting things right, even his whoes
It will take some time
To get rid of the slime
But he'll soon be back on his toes

Hapa
[/quote]

Talent, looks, economical, and you can cook.
Do you have any sisters?
Hell I ain't picky, you got any brothers?
Me an' Dave are in the market and I don't think we can fit in on the same bed.
E-dog

Edited by E-DOG, 13 September 2008 - 02:21 AM.

[fatdave]

and

[Travelling Blackbird]

Dave, I'm sorry to hear about this. She seems to be continuing the cycle of abuse in her life, lashing out at you. You deserve better. You deserve way better.

From the conversations you described, it sounds like she was looking for a guilt-free out, so she could live some imagined life. You're better off without someone so abusive and with such a capacity for cruelty.


If I can offer some advice: why don't you reach out to some of your friends again? Some will be bitter or angry, and it'll be tough. I've been there: I made the mistake of pulling away from people who really cared for me to be with someone who didn't deserve me. I took the anger when I realized my mistake, I apologized and some of them gave me another chance, seeing that I'd been an idiot, but hadn't actually gone out to hurt them. I managed to rebuild part of my life again.

Focus on you for a while. Focus on taking care of yourself.

[Hapahowlee]

E-DOG, on Sep 12 2008, 07:14 PM, said:

Talent, looks, economical, and you can cook.
Do you have any sisters?
Hell I ain't picky, you got any brothers?
Me an' Dave are in the market and I don't think we can fit in on the same bed.
E-dog

Hey what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, there's the little matter of "the husband." Sorry dudes, my to sisters are married too and they also have those things called kids

My brother's been divorced for quite some time, but I think he only likes females. I haven't talked to him in years, but I'm sure you can find him on any online dating service. I think he's a member of every one. He's a former Marine, makes good money, can cook, is bilingual, likes to paint and work on stain glass projects, owns a Cadillac, Pickup Truck, Harley and a Corvette. Good luck finding him! I'm sure he'd make a good wife.

[E-DOG]

Hapahowlee, on Sep 13 2008, 10:52 AM, said:

Hey what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, there's the little matter of "the husband." Sorry dudes, my to sisters are married too and they also have those things called kids

My brother's been divorced for quite some time, but I think he only likes females. I haven't talked to him in years, but I'm sure you can find him on any online dating service. I think he's a member of every one. He's a former Marine, makes good money, can cook, is bilingual, likes to paint and work on stain glass projects, owns a Cadillac, Pickup Truck, Harley and a Corvette. Good luck finding him! I'm sure he'd make a good wife.

Priorities my dear, priorities.
I'll take care of hubby. You just focus on me an' Dave. As far as the "children" go, that's what closets n' duct tape are for. LOL

Your bro' sounds perfect! I also am an EX Marine, with a degree in art, love to spend money, eat, and ride around in nice cars. The two tongues thing sounds kinky as hell too. I'm sure we'd both make good wives.
DAVE! WAKE UP KIDDO! I think I may be on to something here.
E-Dog
(oh gosh, i hope i haven't offended anyone here. tee hee)

[fatdave]

now everyone is pissed at me because i was open about my feelings about not wanting to go on, all they say is "look at everything you've over come!" thats exactly what i am doing. i am tired of fighting for even the most simple things in life.

everyone told me when i was homeless and drug addicted at 19 that it would get easier if i just stopped everything i was doing and cleaned up my life. i did just that, i stopped cooking meth, i stopped stealing, i stopped being "selfish" as i was told. nothing got easier.

Hear i am almost 6 years later, still miserable, still having nothing, still in pain, both physical and emotional.

This was the last straw. i cant shake the feelings of not wanting to fight anymore. i am driving myself crazy with this shit.

[Hapahowlee]

E-DOG, on Sep 13 2008, 12:48 PM, said:

Hapahowlee, on Sep 13 2008, 10:52 AM, said:

Hey what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, there's the little matter of "the husband." Sorry dudes, my to sisters are married too and they also have those things called kids

My brother's been divorced for quite some time, but I think he only likes females. I haven't talked to him in years, but I'm sure you can find him on any online dating service. I think he's a member of every one. He's a former Marine, makes good money, can cook, is bilingual, likes to paint and work on stain glass projects, owns a Cadillac, Pickup Truck, Harley and a Corvette. Good luck finding him! I'm sure he'd make a good wife.

Priorities my dear, priorities.
I'll take care of hubby. You just focus on me an' Dave. As far as the "children" go, that's what closets n' duct tape are for. LOL

Your bro' sounds perfect! I also am an EX Marine, with a degree in art, love to spend money, eat, and ride around in nice cars. The two tongues thing sounds kinky as hell too. I'm sure we'd both make good wives.
DAVE! WAKE UP KIDDO! I think I may be on to something here.
E-Dog
(oh gosh, i hope i haven't offended anyone here. tee hee)

E-DOG, you offend someone . . . NAAAAAAAAAAH! Only someone who doesn't have a sense of humor at all.

So that's what duct tape is for - yeah, I can see it now. Well, seems like you and my brother are a match made in heaven. Who's pitchin' and who's catchin'?


YO DAVE! Who's mad at ya? What's happenin'? I've actually known a lot of people in my life who felt like they just could not do it anymore, but they stuck it out and are now living happy lives. Unfortunately, there is no magic shot to give ya. There are meds and even those take time. The doc may have to experiment with different cocktails until something is found to help you. Until then, it's best to surround yourself with positive people who can help get you out of your funk. Does depression run in your family? I know your health problems are enough to send you into depression, but you could be dealing with something genetic here. Just like your addiction. It is more than likely someone along your family line had a problem with depression and addiction and it doesn't have to be with the same substance you used. Addiction is a disease. So yeah, you at least have a double whammy when you think about it. There are lots of people dealing with so many horrible issues at one time in their life and most find the help they need and overcome the obstacles. You have to really want to overcome all the issues you're faced with and believe in yourself. Unfortunately, you've been surrounded by people who have made you feel you are not worth it. Do you really feel that all of your problems are permanent? There has to have been a time in your life where you were happy. Don't just concentrate on the negative. Shit, if I did that I'd definitely be dead by now. Think about it and get back to us.

Edited by Hapahowlee, 14 September 2008 - 01:22 AM.

[fatdave]

depression and bi-polar disorder both run in my family along with schizophrenia....scary eh? I've been monitored by professionals for a few years and i thought i had a handle on the problems

My father was the main meth cook in franklin county from 1990 - 1997, he introduced the "nazi" style here. He is an addict, also in prison for murder and a few other things.

I know these issues run in my family and i have tried to take the steps to fix my problems, only to have set back after set back.

I really don't remember a time in my life i was truly happy more than a few hours. I've blocked most of my childhood but some things will come back to me when triggered.

a lot of times i can't see past today, i see the struggles i have as never getting better. the only thing i had was my independence, and i feel its been ripped out from under me.

When she left it felt like i was betrayed, like someone stole my wheelchair. it was like something broke inside of me and i can't bring myself to function.

When i look at my bank account and see the number it makes me cringe, when i talk to people about wheel chairs and hear the prices it makes me cry.

It's so damn hard. i feel that i don't have the will to fight anymore.

[Dave Bishopstone]

Hi Dave,

You have fought hard so far, keep up the struggle mate - in your reply you mention "I can't see past today" Dare I suggest that at this stage you don't try - just deal with today that's enough to be going on with.

Keep fighting!

Dave

[wheeliebear75]

I'll have my fingers crossed that things start to look up for you. Sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. Hang in there.

[Travelling Blackbird]

Dave, I don't think anyone's mad at you. You have the right to vent and be heard, and don't ever deny yourself that. You're going through some rough stuff, and the emotions are high: people here are worried about you, and searching for the right words to say something supportive.

The fight is tough, and the will to fight leaves: I wish and hope that it comes back to you, and you get through this rough time. Keep going, Dave.

[Hapahowlee]

Oh yeah Dave, I believe I remember seeing that bust on the news. Remember, I'm from STL.

The only way a lot of us can live is one day at a time. In know it sounds corny, but it's so true. Schizophrenia actually runs in my family too. Fortunately, I think it skipped me. Who knows. I struggle with depression and there are times, I just refuse to think about what I have to do the next day, I just think about 1 hour at a time. Sometimes I get lucky and it turns into 2 or 3 and sometimes I will actually think about the next day. That's when I know I'm getting out of my funk.

Mr. Hapa and I have dealt with a lot of government crap that never seemed it was going to end. Well, we're in the home stretch now. There were many days, he just couldn't take it when it was compounded with accidents from his nerves and if something went out like our air conditioner, he would just lose it. It's because of everything happening at once. Now this is just my own friendly advice, but just prioritize and think about the first thing you need to take care of and tackle that first. Get aggressive with your social workers so they know you have no time to fool around when it comes to your housing and healthcare needs. If they aren't doing it for ya, go above their heads. Ever since I met Mr. Hapa I became a Bull Dog/Pit Bull. There are so many people in need of help and unfortunately, the system will only respond to the noise maker.

The main thing is, even if you have to do one minute at a time, praise yourself for getting past that point. Don't forget to give yourself an "Atta Boy" whenever you do make it past a point you didn't think you would. Just look at your original post. Now it's been a couple of days and you've made it. You are getting there. I can't stress enough how important it is to surround yourself with positive people. Maybe you are in the funk you are now b/c of the negative people you've had in your life thus far. Something to think about.

[Slowlegs]

fatdave, on Sep 12 2008, 02:50 AM, said:

i really cant go on anymore, if you dont know my fiance left me monday. after 3 years of pouring my heart,soul, health and love into making sure we had what she needed, healthcare,mental help for emotional problems, and rasing a child that isnt mine but loving him all the same. she says she cant do it anymore and runs off. she keeps telling me she is trying to help me, wanting to be with me, just not live with me or help me with the care side.

She states she wants her freedom, that is, she wants to be able to run off for days on end and spend money.

the result is me being taken care of by people who dont want to do it, and that i get saractic remarks from everyday.

Of all the shit i've been through in my life this hurts the most.

I cant think of living anymore. im going crazy, i cant eat and i cant sleep, i cant function. no one understands why.

I'm 25, obese, shit my drawers and cant work anymore. i can barely get out my door.

These feelings have to stop or i dont know what will do, i cant think of anything other than not being here

Hi Dave,
It really sounds like you are better off without your girlfriend on so many levels. You may not think so but it sounds like her leaving was an improvement for you. You have listed a lot of issues on here but by her leaving - some of those problems seems to have gone away already. It may sound harsh but to be honest I don't think you don't need a toxic relationship right now. Obviously there are other issues for you, get on the phone to all the social agencies or your insurance company or whatever it takes so you can get the wheels in motion my friend. If that sounds daunting, deal solely on solving one issue at first, then the next and the next. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can get some help and the top of your Everest will become visible through the clouds. You have obviously dealt with a number of issues in the past. You obviously have the guts and the grunt in you somewhere to fight this. Reach in there and find it my friend. There are a lot of people on here watching how you do and cheering you on.
Good Luck!

[E-DOG]

Or to simplify things.
Do not EVER give them the satisfaction of thinking you're beat!
E
dangit, I think I just shit myself again!

[cate]

Dave, We are not pissed off at all. read all the letters again, you will see there is all the support you can need, also advice to help you through, up to you if you take it. ONE DAY AT A TIME is the best way to go, You have been strong and you have done so well, So do not let it all go to waste. you can do it, With E-dog amd Ches writing you limericks how can you not bother.
Hapa as given you the way to go and Nomis has given you gentle encouragement along with the rest of us. We are all routing for you, so keep talking to us and doing a little bit at a time. Keep us posted, do not let one ungrateful little girl wear you down, She did appear to be a bit useless and leant on you a lot. So now do it for you./

Cate