[Tootle]

I've been reading several of your stories and its just dawning on me(doh) that alot of you help your spouses/partners out with bowel care. You are amazing. How do you do it, I mean I cant get my head round it. I just feel it crosses too many boundries. Dont get me wrong, I have had to tidy up if hes had an accident but get so upset by it. When he first came home from hospital I stopped feeling like his parner but a "royal hole attendant" felt my entire day was occupied with looking after one orifice or another. I didnt know if i should feed it, clean it, blow it, pluck it or kiss it!!! Also I didnt ralise how much male grooming went on, I spend more time plucking his hairs than I have ever spent on myself.
The only way we have been able to get a better balance is to have nurses and carers, but thats at the expence of our privacy. So it just feels like hobsons choice until I can get my head round it some more. Is this how it is??? or am I missing something?

ps if your reading this aditrx blow it first! x:o)

[kdenon01]

I do my husband's bowel program. I didn't want to in the beginning...I was also very anit-butt. But, then I realized that the hired caregivers do not always show up. And if I wanted to go on my honeymoon with just my husband, that I would have to just do it. It's not that big of a deal. It was the first couple times, but now it's just poop.

Something I can't stand...earwax. My husband has some nasty ears.

[qbounce]

Tootle, on Sep 19 2008, 08:07 AM, said:

I didnt know if i should feed it, clean it, blow it, pluck it or kiss it!!!

Is he doing the bowel program daily?
If so, I recommend trying every other day. It uses so much of your time up on a daily basis, and once you switch to every other day, the actual time in the bathroom DOESN'T take any longer than before.

That frees up every other day, anyways.

[Tootle]

Hi, thanks for your advice, sorry if my posting read a bit on the "blunt" side (thought it did after reading through it again,memo to self- engage brain!).
Know I need to be more involved with all his care needs if we are to have a fuller and more independant lifestyle, feeling more positive about it, feels good, thanks

[fenlander]

I do my partners "Pooh" twice a day - only 5 minutes each time - I pretend I'm a pig hunting truffles! Whatever gets you through the day I say! No,really I thought I'd NEVER be able to do it but watching the performance/ mess the district nurses made of it [bless them] and realising that having several different people messing around in you wasn't nice for him, I just felt I had to do it. The independence it gives us is well worth the effort which is minimal once you're used to it. Our son deputises too and he didn't used to like handling dirty plates! Shows what love does for you!

[reaven85]

I wasnt sure how I would feel. I was more embarrassed for him. but i was fine

[Tash]

I hate doing my mans bowel treatments. I allow the home health aide to do it. I really dont have the time. It is really frustrating when I am trying to do his bowel program all geared up and everything and then one of my children is attaching himself to my leg where I cant move. Then the other one is asking...then screaming from some darn juice. It just does not ever seem to be the right time. Accidents I handle myself that does not required too much time. It is not that the job is disgusting or anything like though because I love him it is just that it requires time that I dont seem to ever have.

My mans pooh and pee are like second nature to me now but the full bowel treatment I just dont wanna do for lack of time. I still participate in teh process by putting the enema in and the home health aid waits for the flow!

It is something else but that is the only way we all get relief.

[misstd]

I started doing my partners bowel care because the nurses would turn up, put supps in then leave and say they would be back... and then would never return! they would also sometimes never turn up and be late as if we sat in all day waiting for them.... grr, so now we can get up and get on with our day at our own timetable and i love that, it doesnt bother me now, at first i thought i was hurting him and worried i was doing it wrong but its better for him i do it as i know what he needs rather than a different nurse every day... and he was more embarassed being naked in front of strangers than me! it does bother me when i think i cant stay out at a freinds house or away because he relies on me to do his care but it hasnt been that much of a problem 2 years along so i hope it stays that way!!

[buff]

my boyfriend does his own bowel care. is this unusual?

[skinnylatte]

I do my fiance's bowel care, too. Every other morning. It's not that bad. You do get used to it. It is no fun when things don't go well, thankfully my man drinks lots of water, citrucel, does whatever he can go keep things flowing. We can't wait to get his shower chair so we don't have to do it in the bed anymore!

We always light a candle and keep some air freshener handy! I will usually insert the magic bullet, then leave the room to get him & myself some coffee. He keeps track of the time and calls me when it's time to check & clean up. I like to keep the area clean after each "deposit," that makes it easier to clean up at the very end! I am usually in and out of the room and he calls me back every 10-15 minutes. I find this is a great time to clean/pack lunches, etc. He focuses on getting the poo out, and sometimes reads and/or watches tv. The whole deal takes about an hour to an hour + 10 minutes, then we go right into the whole bed bath, etc.

On days that things aren't coming out on their own and I have to go in there and get it myself, I do get grossed out and I usually lose my appetite. That's getting better, too, though. I do think, one day, when we can afford to hire some help, this doody (har har) will be theirs. But I understand and don't mind doing it for now, and I'll always do it on trips, etc.

[Joes_Nat]

Hey doll!!

I feel for you! I really do. I was MORTIFIED at the thought originally! I really was! And he even said he did not want me " messing with things back there"!! lol

But just as many have already said to you...it became less about our issues and more about what simply needed to be done. We (my fiance & I) have had the WORST issues with nurses who dont care - I mean from the ones who dont show up to the ones who wouldn't finish...or the ones who would flat out lie about doing it and would cause my guy to have embarrassing accidents the next day. The clincher was when one accually was outright mean and caused some damage!!

Don't get me wrong...it's not something I look forward to doing - but like one gal said...it's just poo!

I would suggest this though - don't force yourself into that role. See about getting a well qualified attendant to handle the job if you can. With us we had one guy who only came over to do that. It was odd having some one in our space like that - but - hey...it worked for us for a year or so.

Only YOU know what will work for you!

All the best!!
(From across the pond)
Nat

[zoe in australia]

buff, on Jul 18 2009, 11:03 PM, said:

my boyfriend does his own bowel care. is this unusual?

my boyfriend does his own care.. he regulates it on time every second day
yeah there is accidents but he showers cleans himself up

[keidra]

i do my fiance's bowel program M-W-F- nights!! i give him the supp . then i help him if needed ! it does not bother me! i also work in childcare and change diapers all da long!! i am so used to it ...lol i look at it from this side , if i love him unconditionally why wouldnt i do it? i would want someone to help me if i couldnt go on my own !! i love him and told him from the begining that i would do anything he needed !! we have been together now for 6 years Aug. 9 was our anniv.

[Courtney]

I had a hard time with it at first too....I was like "I have to put my finger where? And for how long?" But I am the only one he is comfortable with doing it. We do a program every night. It does eventually become routine, we watch TV or talk during it now.....at first it was awkward, but you eventually learn that it's something that has to be done......and like everyone says...it's just poo My brother in law calls it the GP....."group poop"

[lk1home]

Reading these posts makes me feel allot better. My husband is only three months into his injury and we thought that we were doing something wrong. Our bowel program is taking about an hour at night and we also have two small children, it is not as hard as I thought is was going to be but I keep wondering about the future and it was nice to read from people that have been doing this for awhile that it just becomes part of the routine. I do not mind taking care of my husband at all, it is for better or for worse right? But does it get eaiser for him to deal with?

[JaimeL]

lk1home, on Aug 19 2009, 10:38 AM, said:

Reading these posts makes me feel allot better. My husband is only three months into his injury and we thought that we were doing something wrong. Our bowel program is taking about an hour at night and we also have two small children, it is not as hard as I thought is was going to be but I keep wondering about the future and it was nice to read from people that have been doing this for awhile that it just becomes part of the routine. I do not mind taking care of my husband at all, it is for better or for worse right? But does it get eaiser for him to deal with?

How he copes will have a lot to do with his personality. Generally speaking it does get better. Three months isn't very long and you may have to be patient a little while longer. My husband doesn't cope near as well as most other quads but he is much better now than he was at three months post injury. It has been 8 years and he still has his off moments. I think it helps if he can draw his attention to something else so he isn't dwelling on it all the time. Getting enough sleep helps with coping and I think that is true of all people.

[allis53ca]

.....bowell care......the next 25 years of that?...no way!...exactly why i got my colostomy

[Fairygirl72]

I love this site...I love having so many people on here who know exactly what I'm going through and exactly what I'm doing. I've been doing my husband BP for just about two years now and have 3 little girls. The first time I put the supp in I remember having that feeling on my finger all night. I have NO problem with it at all now...it is just poop an is a daily duty (lol) now. I felt more for him in the beginning. I know that the last thing he'd want his wife to do is that task but only felt comfortable with me doing it. Now we laugh and make jokes...we have that type of relationship anyway!

[Meadowlarkmark]

Luckily, I can do my BMs independently and I clean up after myself fairly well, but lately I have been missing stragglers and DD my wife has to do clean up. I have felt mortified but she has been great with it.

[Mrs.Quinn]

I do my bf's bowel programs nightly. Doesn't matter if I go out with the girls and get completely plastered I get home sober up and do it. I like to think of it more as something that relieves his pain and his nerves of ever having accidents rather then something digusting. You will get used to it, I never was grossed out and it is completely normal!!! Practise makes perfect and before you know it its part of your dailylife. I never had a problem with it and the more you make it a problem sweetie the more it'll be one. Just go with the flow.

[minniesmom]

I occasionally do my mom's bowel routine. It was embarrassing for both of us the first time, but she changed my diapers so I guess it's my turn to change hers. I don't mind anymore. Somthing that goes with the territory.

[Spinner]

I think my doing his bowel routine would be/is harder on him than it is on me. He had a hard time even letting me watch his regular attendant to learn how to do it.

[kjm465]

I'm with you Spinner...It was important for us to develop the rest of our relationship before we got into that. We were together for over a year before he was comfortable letting me in to that part of his life. Now his regular care aids still do his routine 3x a week at home, but when we are away overnight, I just do it, because it's not worth bringing someone with us.

[knj777]

I dont know if this helps or not, but I do my boyfriends bowel care at night, about twice a week. I put in a supp at night, the next morming, it's all come out. I'll still check to see if theres anymore left, sometimes there is, sometimes not. We use 2 bed pads, so clean up is not messy. I'm still pretty new at this, but I've found its become a comfortable, joking like, manner how we do this. We ended up calling his suppository nights "party night" (I know...wierd huh, but it makes it easier for both of us)

[Inger]

Hi there -- this is my first post on this forum, so I hope I'm managing to do this the right way. I manage all of my fiance's bowel care, and have for many, many years. We either do the supp thing or manage this part of his care digitally (the latter is typically faster and more thorough). I prefer to help him with these sorts of things because it is so personal, and because as many of you have mentioned, caregivers are not always the most reliable. I have worked in soc. services for many years, and have helped countless people with countless personal tasks, and I'm also a mom (so I've done infant diaper duty) so helping someone I love is easy. This is generally something we deal with 3X weekly, and although it does take some time, it's done prior to bed, so not a big deal.

[lijobi]

On any given day, I'm likely to kiss my husby and say thank-you for the colonostomy.

Would I have done the BP? Yes, of course.

Do I prefer the no-fuss method with a ostomy? Betcha!

[st114]

At first, I didn't even want to wipe my fiancee's nose. We have a PCA to do the bowel program because he is uncomfortable with me doing it. There are accidents that I have had to clean up and the very first time I was disgusted, but with time it got easier. I don't even feel bothered by it anymore. He is still very against me doing the bowel program, but I would if I had to. It's more him at this point.

[Mrs.Quinn]

I took a class on bowel before doing my BF's BP. I wasn't nervous and was anxious to learn. He was in the hospital for about 2 more weeks and I just took over, despite the nurses lurking over me to see if I was doing ti right. I continued to do it for about another 4 months and now he does it on his own! I have to admit its very hard in the beginning casue I was impatient all the time and we were going through a HUGE rough patch but we made it through and hes been a SUGAR since.
When we first started out everything was CRAZY but you'll make it through it gets alot easier and soon enough you'll cath half a sleep!!

PS I did not want a PCA to come in the house and care for him, I felt like it was taking away his dignity having a different person every day digging in his booty!