[gammak]

Travelling Blackbird, on Oct 6 2008, 01:19 PM, said:

I have never seriously considered suicide because of being in a wheelchair.

Being in a wheelchair is a minor inconvenience.

It's all the other things that go along with SCI in some cases that are more bothersome. Pain, loss of control over bodily functions, degradation, poverty, and being treated like scum.

This post has been edited by gammak: 11 January 2009 - 09:59 AM

[E-DOG]

gammak, on Jan 11 2009, 01:48 AM, said:

Being in a wheelchair is a minor inconvenience.

It's all the other things that go along with SCI in some cases that are more bothersome. Pain, loss of control over bodily functions, degradation, poverty, and being treated like scum.

And falling off a 20 story building won't kill you.
It's the sudden stop at the bottom that will.
E

[Webwych]

I've just come out of a major 'Black Dog' session as I call them. I don't know why it hit me (probably something to do with the insane pace of my degree work lately) but I hit the bottom with and almighty 'WHACK!'.

I sobbed, I wailed and then I decided 'Well, the Black Dog is here, I may as well play with him for a few days'. I had shared my feelings with a few trusted friends a few days before hand so I emailed them and told them not to worry, I was on my way up again but to do that I needed to go into my cave, to just read and paint and not talk to anyone. The result was the most creative week I have had in months.

I now have half a dozen paintings and lots of new ideas for my end of year show. I have a few weeks to go before the end of this semester but I now feel like I can get through it and everything IS worthwhile after all.

I have accepted that there IS this 'Black Dog' is part of me and it will pay me the occasional visit, but now I have the tools to cope with it. Learning that it's ok to let myself feel those things has taken a lot of pressure off the control freak in me and I can use it to create something instead of it being a totally miserable and fruitless experience.

I hope that helps somebody xxx

[allis53ca]

the chair is easily doable and has never been a suicidal trigger for me, but while in hosp. the near total loss of my pre-injury identity pushed it into my conscience

[youwhat]

Well we all have highs and lows whether your in a chair or not it makes no difference, what I like though (this is too Webwych) is that you turned something negative into something positive When you do hit "the bottom" or feel suicidal, depressed whatever you want to call it best thing to do is talk, talk to anyone! It helps, I don't care what people say even if not right away it does have an effect.

Love the irony in this that the reason I'm in a chair in the first place was from a suicide attempt haha and then people say to me how can you make a joke out of something so serious? It's my way of coping ;)

[nomis]

Hey Wenwych, I like the understanding you have of yourself. Is this a price that maybe goes with your creativity?

[Webwych]

nomis, on Jan 12 2009, 10:29 AM, said:

Hey Wenwych, I like the understanding you have of yourself. Is this a price that maybe goes with your creativity?

Oh, totally! There's a song by a band called 'Therapy?' (irony, ahoy!) and there's a line that says 'Happy People have no stories'. How true .

youwhat - I think the highs are higher and the lows are lower and for very specific reasons that most AB people can never comprehend which are outside the realms of 'normal mood changes' and that's the difference. What art and being surrounded by artists does for me is gives me a place where people can say 'I don't know sent you 'there', but I love what you came back with' whereas other people just what you to explain why you are in that place so they can 'fix' it and get frustrated when you can't explain and they can't fix it.

[deyoht_kwa]

stormprince, on Oct 6 2008, 06:01 PM, said:

I've thought about it on my 'dark days" and at first wondered if my family would be better off w/o me if I had died that horrible day but they wouldn't. With a wife, and three kids to raise, I've still got things to do. I think everyone needs a reason why to fight and live on. You have to find what that reason is for you.

Jis wondering what does one do... i'm in ur wifes position, my husband is a t6/t7 paraplegic, 2 1/2 years now, .. we have 5 kids at home, he's talking of him being done with this... he said he's giving up, not eating, n he wants to die, he's not trying to kill himself, but in a way, he's not eating... says he dont' want me to make this any harder than it is??/ WTF is that?

he quit counselling, i don't know if i can handle these talks, i threw up all over, cried like i was losing him, then i came here... suggestions?

[Travelling Blackbird]

deyoht_kwa, on Mar 10 2009, 05:27 PM, said:

Jis wondering what does one do... i'm in ur wifes position, my husband is a t6/t7 paraplegic, 2 1/2 years now, .. we have 5 kids at home, he's talking of him being done with this... he said he's giving up, not eating, n he wants to die, he's not trying to kill himself, but in a way, he's not eating... says he dont' want me to make this any harder than it is??/ WTF is that?

he quit counselling, i don't know if i can handle these talks, i threw up all over, cried like i was losing him, then i came here... suggestions?

He's not consulting a therapist or professional, but that doesn't mean you can't. Maybe you could get some advice on how to handle the situation. It's obviously taking its toll on you, and with 5 kids at home, the stress must be incredible. Maybe a professional could give you some ideas on how to approach him, ideas on how to handle the conversations, ideas on how to protect yourself as well.

Does your husband have an account on this forum or another one? Does he have a support group offline, do his friends still come around?

I'm very sorry to hear about how rough your situation is.

[edlee]

deyoht_kwa,

Some of us hit the wall later than others,,,, mine was right around two years,,,,,

All you can do is what you have been for the last couple of years,,,,, the rest is up to him,,,,,, he will eventually have to " get over himself",,, whether he likes it or not.

If he's not eating,,,,, well,, I wish that were my problem,,,,, I eat too much,,,, but on the light side,,, he'll have less bulk to throw around when he decides to come out of his funk. It'll be easier to do the things he wants to do.

Just keep him taking vitamins and he WILL eat when he gets hungry enough,,,,, you don't have to push him,,,, but you do need to stop babying him. At t6, he can do most things for himself,,,, my suggestion is to let him.
ed

[Jorge]

Suicide. Here's my two cents on this matter. After my accident being only nineteen it was a hard fact to except that I will never feel anything below my injury ever ever again. No more walking, running, dancing, baseball, jogging, and of course sex and normal bowel and bladder function. I remember when the nurses told me I had to stimulate my rectum in order to go number two, and stick a fourteen inch plastic tube down my urethra in order to urinate. I remember the first time I tried to have sex with my girlfriend after my accident and she broke down in tears because it wasnt the same anymore. I remember when I soiled myself and being completely embarrassed and I just wanted to die. I have thought about suicide many many times but never acted on it. Even now, eighteen years later, still paralyzed, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, osteoporosis, and Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis(liver disease) I am still here. My point is, I feel it is not my choice to take my own life, its not my decision. It wasnt my decision to be born. I leave that choice of death to God. No, I'm not a religious type, I dont go to church at all, nor do I read the bible, but I do believe in a higher being or power. I have suffered so much in my life but taking my own life because of it just isnt a good enough reason for dying. I have family and friends that will suffer greatly over that selfish action. There is still so much in life that makes it worth living, here are some for example. Watching a really great movie and laughing or crying. Eating Pizza and cheeseburgers. The way the air smells after it rains. Spring and Summer mornings and Fall and Winter evenings. Holidays and my daughters excitement during them. My little dog and the way she jumps on my lap and is so excited when I get home from work. Making love to my fiance. So many wonderful things in life to live and experience, even from a wheelchair. I dont like to judge others because what we feel is personal, your pain and suffering is yours and I can only sympathize with you. Hope is a wonderful thing and terribly cruel as well, it keeps us going and so often fails us and causes our worlds to come crashing down around us, leaving us feeling alone and very susceptible to moments of weakness when suicide starts to look like a way out, freedom from the burden of disability and all of its indignities. Is death truly an answer? Since we dont know what happens when we die, how can you be sure that by committing suicide your pain would end? Skeaman just keep on going, in the end, and we will all get there, you can know in your heart that even though life gave you its worst, you were steadfast and endured it, until your last breath, and for that, your friends and family will admire you and remember you as brave and inspirational, and not the opposite.

[Sarah Rose]

Wow really smart and wise words Trinity. Inspiring.


And for those who said hes "complaining" He really is not hes venting his feelings and isnt that what were here for? to understand how people are feeling and listen to them and try to understand. heres the only place people can ask questions and know the other person is in a similer position.
I really hope you feel better hun and your right people do say " it will get better" and i actualy believe that in time it will. Right now you feel like theres no brighter tommorow. But take one day at a time and try to just focus on the positive things in your life. Eg. Friends Family Things you enjoy poetry music tv things like that focus on what you can do and find that inner strength because thats what you need to get stronger.

*Sprinkles Happy dust on you* If only it was that simple. Just try and wakeup in the morning and rememember the good things No one is in your exact shoes and only you know how you feel deep inside. No matter how high or low your injury is. Your sadness is as valid as anyones saddness no matter what your level.



Peace & Love

trinity, on Oct 13 2008, 11:12 AM, said:

dexter, on Oct 13 2008, 02:12 AM, said:

Wow! You're complaining at your level of injury? If I had your injury I would be SO happy. All I can move is my head and shoulders. I would give my PENIS to be able to use my arms.

You are one lucky guy.

Dexter

If you had the OP's level of injury originally then you wouldn't necessarily be happy. The level of injury is all relative.

As it has been said before many times, Tetras want to be paras, paras want to be AB and AB want to be superheroes.

Injuries affect different people in different ways, a high C level may be the most happy well adjusted person in the world where as a L injury may feel like their life is over and their limitations are just too much to cope with.

Everyone is different, as are their abilities to cope with what life has dumped on them.

I remember not so long ago you were having issues too, well at least you can breathe, right? Eat? talk?

Sometimes it's difficult to see the plus sides in a situation, but generally they are there

[luis85]

let the lord be your shepperd

[JLCoppett]

Hi, I am new and my name is Justin. I have been having a really hard time lately. I got on here looking for help with my thought about suicide, and found this wonderful web-site. It came at the perfect time. I am usually the one that everyone draws strenght from, but I have really been down low in the past few days. I have 6 children(1 daughter, and 5 boys), three bio, and three adopted. In the past few days I have started having trouble with my hands. For years I have played the piano for the church's youth choir (they make a device that goes in your mouth for the pedals), and pulling up to the piano at the house is one of my greatest stress relievers. I don't know if it is just a stage I must go through with the hands and arms, or if this is one more thing I must live with. I go Friday back to my neuro-surgeon to see if he can tell what is going on. I have lemon's, but am sick and tired of making lemon aide. YES, I have thought about suicide many times. Before my wreck I was a funeral director, and I know how to "do it" so that I will be casket presentable for my family. I keep telling myself that, "this too shall pass". Well to the core of my problem: After my accident I had my urologist install a penile prosthesis. Here lately my ex drill sergeant wife has been very rude to me about why I never want to have sex. She seems to thing that you just blow up the thing, and that's that. To me it is more than that. I just wish that for ONE day she could trade places with me, and see what it's like. I don't want to sound like I am just being a crybaby, but I have really thought about doing it lately! Well if you wonder why I am typing instead of dead, God blessed me with my wonderful children. My children, and myself are all Christians, but my wife is an Agnostic. I have told myself that if this is a burden that I have to bear to lead her to become a Christian I am willing to do it. I guess I should be careful with what I tell God in prayer. I know there are others on here that may not be Christians, (If I have I didn't mean to offend you), but I don't know how I could make it through one day without something to believe in. I feel like I am rambling, but the answer is YES, I have thought about it. I have come very close to doing it, but I think of my wife, children, family, someone that I might be able to help, and my Church and I just can't do it! I take a sheet of paper, and divide it in half. On one side I put the reasons to do it, on the other I write my blessings, who it would effect, and reasons I should not. So far my reasons NOT TO DO IT allways win. I hope this helps someone, that feels like I do! Again, Yes I have thought, and came close to doing it before! Please feel free to comment (you will not offend me), also if you would like to contact me you can do that as well. Thanks, JC

[The Black Sheep]

I'm 11 years post injury and this is the first place I've ever come to to "talk" about my injury. I've told the story to hundreds, but I've always shrugged it off. When I was first diagnosed, my parents told me to get on the internet and find others with similar injuries. 11 years later, I landed here.

I think that, for the majority of us reading this, we've thought of suicide, but have never successfully done it. (obviously). The fact that you come to a website and join in with others really does help, and I've felt more at ease with my situation since I've been here.

In high school, I think I was very close to a complete break, and I didn't care what happened. My best friend (who was able bodied) had committed suicide, and there were a few very long months where I simply didn't care if I died. I would think about crashing my car while driving, or something like that, but never acted on it. After 4 months, things started to cheer up a little and I realized how much she hurt everyone around her, how many other people were affected and careless after what she did... suicide is very selfish. I believe everyone has the right to do what they want with their own bodies, but to also consider how much that might hurt the ones around you. It takes more effort and strength to live with life's problems than it does to commit suicide like a coward.

[KeepTheFaith]

"You kids and your cures, why back when I was injured they gave us a wheelchair and that's the way it was and we liked it!" ... Grumpy Old Man

[dangerousdave]

For me.. it's not the word suicide
More like .. when will my life not feel worthwhile anymore
I have that day and that condition in mind all the time....no... just reguarly
What I want is to chose my time .. as is my right
There will be a time when I will want to contemplate the end of my time
So when the quality of my life falls below my standards
I will set in motion my end of days

That is not suicide

[allis53ca]

dave, agreed

[Avocado Baby]

I agree with you too Dave.

The reason I haven't been able to try anything (recently anyway) is because of how it would make the people around me feel. Then again...if you've got to the point where you feel low and desperate enough to try and take your own life, you can no longer see how it affects others.

[Tetracyclone]

My approach is to talk to all my loved ones. Most know by now my opinion of what makes life worth living. If I get sick enough, with little hope of improvement, they will just have to move on without me. We talk.

[dangerousdave]

I am fortunate in that my friends and family can understand my thoughts
When somebody has constant contact with a disabled person .. they do see life through a differant perspextive .. and we should admire them for stepping up to the problem
Please don't misunderstand the end of days thoughts with dispair and depression
They are differant emotions
As a SCI I have had 4 bouts of depression .. all to do with another operation .. all ending the same way .. a huge hangover and a trip through the surgery doors
Thankfully I have loads of good time memories that outway 4 days

[Tetracyclone]

I too have found operations hugely depressing. Suspect the anesthesia, in part, then the slowness of recovering independence.

[Dave Bishopstone]

Whilst fully accepting a persons right to terminate their life, if that's their choice, I suspect that in many instances people just want to get away / escape from the immediate feelings at that given moment in time. However suicide is not a temporary escape, it's permanent. Who knows how the immediate problems will pan out, they may lessen, be resolved or remain - with death you will never find out.

With our son's SCI accident, whilst he was in hospital, my wife and I were driving near a spot where a lot of people take their own life by jumping / driving off of a cliff. I remember saying to my wife "Tempting isn't it!" Obviously didn't do it as I am writing this years later, we knew we had a job to do and stuck around to deal with whatever needed to be done, in fairness why on earth should we throw our lives away when our injured son regarded his life still as precious.

I had the misfortune to have a parent take their own life some 25 years ago and for many years after, my legacy was to live the "Maybe if, if only" syndrome. Maybe if I'd had have done this or that - the life would not have been lost. The reality is though that there was nothing I could have said nor done to alter things. The feelings I have now are of tragic waste. So anyone thinking of suicide, think of the legacy you are leaving behind - think of others!

This post has been edited by Dave Bishopstone: 03 January 2010 - 11:07 PM

[Avocado Baby]

Pwuff, on Jan 3 2010, 01:21 AM, said:

My approach is to talk to all my loved ones. Most know by now my opinion of what makes life worth living. If I get sick enough, with little hope of improvement, they will just have to move on without me. We talk.

Unfortunately I really can't talk to my parents about my feelings. We just don't have that kind of reationship.

Dave Bishopstone, on Jan 3 2010, 11:05 PM, said:

Whilst fully accepting a persons right to terminate their life, if that's their choice, I suspect that in many instances people just want to get away / escape from the immediate feelings at that given moment in time. However suicide is not a temporary escape, it's permanent. Who knows how the immediate problems will pan out, they may lessen, be resolved or remain - with death you will never find out.


I had the misfortune to have a parent take their own life some 25 years ago. The feelings I have now are of tragic waste. So anyone thinking of suicide, think of the legacy you are leaving behind - think of others!

I'm very sorry to hear about your parent. I can't imagine how it feels. I feel guilty every day of my life for what I did, but when I was in that state I didn't even feel like me or that it was a 'choice'. I'm not usually a selfish person. At the time it does feel like things will never get better. It's hard to describe. It's not that I'm a 'woe is me' person and I don't normally make a fuss about my disability. It was just a contributing factor. I've since found people to talk to when I'm feeling that bad.

[E-DOG]

Ya know, if every last SCI on the planet committed mass suicide at the same time on the same day I'll betcha the AB public would finally sit up and take notice.

[pistol_pete]

Yeah! Right on E-Dog. That'll learn 'em.

This weeks no good for me, and I've got something on next Tuesday.......pretty much all of February is out.
I may be able to swing next thursday around 2 ish... oh no hang on that clashes with my porn addicts anonymous group session.
How 'bout two weeks from friday sometime between 10 and 3, no later than that 'cause I have to be somewhere at 4.
See how that fits with everyone else and get back to me.

[dangerousdave]

Hows about timing it in with my next trip round the Nurbergring
Then I can realy go for it on that banked rutted corner instead of slowing down a tad to stay on the road
Perhaps a E-Dog in the side car could shout encouraging words like "faster faster"

This post has been edited by dangerousdave: 06 January 2010 - 04:29 PM

[Scooby Gimp]

Forget the cure. Dummies

The only hope is in acceptance. You guys waiting on a cure are waiting to live. Don't waste your time. Live now regadrless your condition. That is the only way it works. I've seen too many people who believed they'd '"recover" become depressed. And these guy did not fail when committing suicide.

Scoob

[edlee]

E-DOG, on Jan 4 2010, 11:25 PM, said:

Ya know, if every last SCI on the planet committed mass suicide at the same time on the same day I'll betcha the AB public would finally sit up and take notice.

Set up a date, Dog. I'll invest in a trailer, cause there's gonna be a ton of equipment, cheap,, the next day.

Cure!!!! ???? wouldn't that just be dandy... but,,, some shit happens,,, some don't.
ed

[Boggs52]

One standard question I always get at my annual physical with the VA is "Do you ever have thoughts of suicide?"

I answer, "I'm a damned paraplegic, what do ya think? Of course I do, it comes with the chair."

But while I can still live independently I have no plans to take a dirt nap.

Aside from others with a sci, and some medical people, I keep my thoughts on the matter to myself. Outsiders won't understand.