Jok, on 05 October 2010 - 07:28 PM, said:
Hi there,
I have only been a member here for a few weeks but the enjoyment I have gotten from this site has been terrific. It has great information, great subject matter and most of all great people.
I have read a few threads lately about different people’s situations and how they are coping with SCI, depression etc. Having read this thread today about suicide, I thought maybe someone might be interested to hear my story.
A few years ago, I went through a very bad episode of depression and contemplated suicide.
I had a fall in November 2003, spent eight months in hospital and came out in a wheelchair a scenario familiar to many of you. I did not know how I would cope.
I have two daughters Kate 24 and Lisa 22. They are both insulin dependant diabetics but Kate also has Friedrichs Ataxia and has been in a wheelchair since she was 12.
So two wheelchairs in the house was never going to be easy. I have a wonderful wife who just takes everything in her stride.
In spite of her disability, Kate got up every morning (which takes about an hour to get her ready) went to school did third level college and now works as a librarian.
Lisa never let her diabetes hold her back is now a Veterinary Nurse and has her own dog grooming business.
As well as caring for all of us my wife holds down a full time office supervisor’s job.
How could I give up when the three women in my life are such an inspiration. I went back to college and I now teach I.T. and love every minute of it.
We manage very well we have had the house adapted over time with the help of family and friends and we enjoy life.
Even though I am in a wheelchair I feel so lucky to have people in my life and I am very glad I did not fall so far into depression that there was no way back. I am glad I decided suicide was not an option.
Oh and I forgot we have a blind dog as well!!!!!
So always look on the bright side of life dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum
I understand your situation and thank you for sharing your story. It wasn't that long ago that I too contemplated suicide. But I believe that we whom are fortunate enough to have children owe the earth a bigger debt. Alas I had planned it all out and had the necessary tools to do the chosen deed and in my moment of what I thought would be freedom; the thought of what people would say about my kids, the stigma attached to suicide, the daily pain and torment my kids would feel for not being able to know how severely the sorrow that had grabbed me, the absolute uncertainty that they would live with was too much for me to handle; I stopped.
I look back on it now and know I was very clever in hiding my depression. If I had gone through with it there would be no "in hind site" etc...if only we had seen so forth and so on; Suicide is tricky;
The next morning I had a freedom that visited me. It is hard to explain but it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders literally. How could I be so selfish to think that leaving my loved ones was a good idea. Oh my pain, my endurable, horrendous horror of physical torment that kept me awake every night with the cold tears of Satan raining down on my every nerve and muscle mocking me; that I would endure Hell on earth for the unwarranted deed of staying alive. Then I realized that I had talked myself into it and made concessions for myself etc... but it was always with the "I" word in it and did not involve my family. You see that's impossible because I am my family and my family is me literally.
Motion denied; learn how to live with your new found status on earth and stop this bull shit crap of feeling sorry for yourself. Well that was what I told myself and here I am. I do not ponder why or how I just live. I live as I did before but I'm in a wheelchair. I am extremely fortunate in that I am independent and don't need any help as far as care for my condition is concerned.
I vacuum, do the laundry, wash the dishes and make my bed. I do it because I can. There is a new found interest in these usual chores in that I turn them into therapy sessions each time one is performed. Whether it involves stretching, wheelchair bending, balancing etc... there is always a therapeutic aspect to doing any one of those chores.
Anyway it seems as if I've gone off topic so I will wrap up this dissertation with a thank you to all who share their tales of contemplated suicide. I realize it is passionate subject matter. Now every morning as I sit and drink my morning tea I contemplate how wonderful this life as a member of the SCI group is. How strong we are and how compassionate as well (well most of us anyway). The key to it all is movement; be it physical or mental.
If anyone reading this is contemplating suicide please talk to someone about it. You really aren't as alone as you believe. Also, there are others just like you so know you are not alone. The first step is to get help if you can't resolve the issues on your own. We do care.
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so, it's not 'guidance' as such, it's help! I just feel I'm being left by the NHS with a chronic illness til the point is becomes acute. Yeah, I have friends and immediate family, but I'm still alone most of the time when I'm ill. 
I am lucky that i have no side effects (except the weight gain and thats getting sorted) yet will bear that one in mind. The way you put it make drugs sound less scary yet also helps one feels more in control if they do cause problems. Stop taking them. Cheers 
