[Meredith]

I realize I am going out on a limb here by opening up the floor to what exactly is my problem (there may be many -hahaa) but I feel as though I need a little group therapy!

Here's the deal-I essentailly started dating my bf while he was on bedrest...we started "talking" and went out on one date before he got really sick and had to have several surguries and to be on bedrest for the next 6 months. (We were friends for a two yrs prior.) I would visit him a lot in the hospital and then at his house and we feel in love over this time. After 6 months, he was able to start doing things, though he was still limited but we were able to go out to dinner, he could come over to my house for over night visits, and he even accompanied me on a short work trip to Texas. Mid-July, he found out he had to have surgery again and would go back on bedrest. I was very scared and upset. I don't think i ever cried as hard as I did when I found out. I was devasted b/c I thought everything was over but I was also very BITTER. I just felt like it wasn't fair and was jealous and angry with people who don't know what this is like....who's bf can be there with them and do things with them...people who don't stay at hospitals every waking moment for weeks and months on end.....

It was very difficult as we both we angry (for some of the same and some different reasons) but we made it through and we even able to go on a fabulous trip to Hawaii.

But here I am in late October and I am BITTER again....he recently went on a long weekend trip and when he got back started having 101 fevers due to bladder infection bc he dehydrated himself for the long plane ride. I haven't seen him since he has been back bc he's been laid up in bed with the fevers.

I just don't get why i am so BITTER and angry?? I am jealous of other people who would just normally been together that night and caught up on the trip and laid together, holding each other b/c they missed one another. I think i am starting to feel like it will only be a matter of time before another medical issue sets us back in our relationship and i don't want to be like that....I am really rambling and probably sounding like a total b-word.

Has anyone been "here?" Can anyone give me advice on how to focus on what is truly important which is his health and our love? I can't stand feeling like this....I'm not a bad person....

[kdenon01]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Seriously, all the time I am jealous of the able bodied couples we spend time with. I am so jealous of the fact that they can sit at a booth in a restaurant! LOL. Really, nobody knows what we have been through unless they have gone through it too. I always feel like others really take what they have for granted. Like if only my husband could kiss me on my forehead for no reason, or just jump out of bed and get some early morning breakfast.

I just try to remind myself that a lot of those couples are also jealous of us. They are jealous of that fact that regardless of what God puts in front of us, we can make it...and we don't let the little stuff tear us down. I would bet that a lot of people feel jealous of you and your man too.

My husband also gets sick quite often. It SUCKS. It feels like it's just one more thing testing us. Enough is enough already! But then during my days I remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, he is my world.

I'm not sure if that bitterness will ever go away. Because IMO I will always feel a sense of jealousy for the able bodied couples who can do an actual dance at their weddings, go rock climbing on their honeymoons, and get off first on the airplane.

[YYZ]

Well, you know what they say: The grass is always greener...


YYZ

[kdenon01]

Quote

Well, you know what they say: The grass is always greener...

Yes. True.

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Meredith....

I've been there too!! As far as the grass ALWAYS greener, hmm, I don't know about that. My husband's accident happened after we were married just over 3 years, with a 6 month old baby girl. We went through alot...both of us. Mine mostly emotional but his both physically and mentally. I to was so jealous of our able bodied couple friends and family. How nice it would be to stand at the same height and look in each others eyes and get a hug and a kiss. Or feel his arms around my waist again when I'm at the sink doing dishes. Or to slow dance standing up...or so many other things. I could go on and on.

With alot of other issues causing problems between us, I let my jealousy of others kind of consume me causing me to be a total different person around our friends. I resented them and was angry at them for taking so many things for granted.

My husband and I ended splitting up abotu 4 years after his accident. Mostly due to the way we pushed each other way while trying to deal with all the emotional, mental and physical frustrations of it all. I tried the other side....the grass wasn't really greener. I actually met a man who I had strong feelings with. Sure it was great to get that hug or to be able to dance with him eye to eye. I really cared for this man but when it came down to it....I missed my husband. My husband and I have been together 15 years all together and currently married 8 of those. He is my very best friend. I couldn't give that up. Our seperation opened both of our eyes and made us see where and what we did wrong in terms of each other and our relationship. After a whole year of tears, frustrations, long talks and lots of understanding on both ends....we are back together. And closeer now than we were before his accident.

I still sometimes long for the "easy ness" of our able bodied relationship. But..my husband does everything he used to. Hunt, fish, snowmobile, play with our daughter, does wood working for a hobby and if it's something hard for him, he tries anyway. I have accepted him in the chair because I couldn't accept losing him. He transfers to the couch where we snuggle and watch movies, and we have an intimate relationship (that was a tough area but we have made so much progress in that area by just listening to each others needs and wants).

It is tough and no you DO NOT sound like the B-word. Not at all. I think it is completely normal. All I can say is you have to do what is right in your heart. Communication, for us, was key. And the one thing I found out when I told my husband the things I missed or wished we could do again....he felt the same way. He was just scared to talk about them because he didn't want to make me sad. Instead we were sad together and now we really just try to make the best of the situation and do what we can with what we have....sometimes we have to be a little creative.

It can be a long road, I wish you the best with what ever you do. Just be true to yourself and your heart.

[Quad65]

Reason: All I can say is, Amen, sister. You nailed it exactly. Anger is normal and understandable. The key is knowing where it comes from and dealing with it in a healthy and constructive way. Communication is paramount.

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Quad65, on Oct 15 2008, 06:02 PM, said:

Reason: All I can say is, Amen, sister. You nailed it exactly. Anger is normal and understandable. The key is knowing where it comes from and dealing with it in a healthy and constructive way. Communication is paramount.

Thanks Quad65. I have to admit that for sure the lack of communication was what drove my hubby and myself apart. We just dealt with everything so differently and didn't talk about it because we didn't want to upset the other person.

All I have to say is that even though we learned it the hard way, I am so happy in my marriage and glad I didn't let that darn chair win!!

[Meredith]

Thank you so mcuh for your replies and kind words of encouragement!

I started to reply earlier but ran out of time and had to delete it. In it, I described how even though I consider myself a very open person especially in learning and dealing with the SCI but that I do find that I am not communicating about this bitterness and anger very well with him. I really don't know how without hurting his feelings. How do I say " I am bitter because you are sick again..." I can not even make sense of it to myself. And I know that right now my pissy mood and shortness, is coming across against him when obviously he didn't do anything wrong....I feel like I am kind of pushing him away and I don't want to do that.....

Also, lately my problem includes, realizing that it wasn't a one-time misfortunate incident that resulted in bedrest earlier this year. It will most likely happen again. Or at the very least, it sucks, but is probably true that he will be sick again in some way again in the future, if not many times. And in a way I "signed" up for this. I came into the relationship knowing the situation. I am just fearful that I am not the strong person I thought I was and that I don't know if I can handle it...I don't want to be an angry, bitter person, and I certainly don't want to take anything out on him....

He slept all day today b/c he was up all night with fevers. so while i am awake, he is sleeping. and while i am sleeping tonight, he will be awake. this is no way to have a relationship. it was like this for weeks on end earlier this year. we don't live together-i live by myself and he lives with his parents and that makes matters worse a lot of the time too. (my house is not accessible but i am able to pull him up three steps into my house. but my bathroom is not acessible either tho....)

idk, i also don't feel like i have a right to be angry...a lot of the spouses/partners on here were forced into this life. i chose it when i chose him, so what the heck gives me the right to feel this way....??? idk, im on the verge of tears for like the 80th time in the last three days....i love him and want to be with him, so somehow i will make it work....

[Tash]

Meredith you are not alone in many ways. I found this website to get Group Therapy. I feel angry and bitter at my man for the situation that we are in. Yes, I am stil lwith him after his accident and yes I still love him so much that I can't think straight. BUT the truth of the matter is I am bitter and upset and angry. Since my mans accident I find myself at times being jealous and upset with other couples that I know and dont know because they are in normal relationships. Even if it is a couple with a disabled person I still get jealous and angry and bitter.

WHY - because I want wanted my realtionship to be "normal." I wanted to be at the park with our kids and at the grocery store together shopping for bargains with the kids...I think you know where I am going with that. I cry all the time and I get upset with him because I think if he was not out drinking and driving he would not have had this darn accident and I would not now be responsible for everything. Things could be so different. I have started to feel resentment on him for this mess I am in now with him. I cant leave him because I love him and we have these kids together plus who else would take care of him. Also I too consider myself as a really good person. Not becasue I am with him but because I am generally a good person.

Soooo, just here recently the Lord has been placing in my mind these thought instead of the thoughts I had been carrying around.

I have been thinking more like this...I have already excepted this man as he is. The situation "is what it is." I do have a choice however I have already decided to stay wtih him for life. So, now I think about the good things that we do have going on. Like he is still alive after that horrible accident. Plus now when we talk we can actually have a real conversation because he is sober. His life has slowed down and he can now appreciate all the steps that our 10 month old baby is going through. With our 3 year old now I was the only one appreciating the step and advances he was making. Now my man looks at life and things differently. Grant it we are not at a point to where we can go out and do things...I believe that is coming.

I have also excepted that we will be limited to lot of things that "normal" couples do and I have excepted that there will be times where he is going to be really sick. So with all that if I love him and I do I will just try to support him through all the things that he has to go through and communicate on the things that we need to communicate about. I will demand that I get the same respect that I give him etc.

It is going to be rough bur for the love that I have for my man I am in this for the long haul no matter how abnormal things can be.

So I guess I have no real advice for you except that we have to Except our men as they are and the circumstances that may come with it, eventhough it may be difficult and completely not what we expected or even want at a particular point in OUR life.

Take Care - Let Love Lead The Way!!

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Meredith,

Again, all I can say is to talk to him about it. I know it will be hard because you're scared to hurt his feelings. I was scared to talk to my husband as well in fear of hurting his feelings and making him angry at me for not being more understanding. Geez it's so tough and I so know where you are at emotionally right now. It is so frustrating and sad to feel that way. I'm sorry you are going through this.

My husband is a T9 complete para. He really struggled alot with UTIs in the first year, year and a half. He now is on 2 different types of antibiotics, low doses, that help keep the infections away. Occasionally he'll have one but it's usually when we have a big weekend with friends and he's had cocktails and not paid attention to how often he should cath.

Does your b/f self cath to urinate? Does he take any antibiotics to help with keeping the infections away?

It's okay to cry and be upset. It is...don't keep it in. I did and that didn't make things any better. Unfortunately, there will be set backs in his health. How recent is his injury?? For us, and I know it is different for every individual with SCI and for every couple affected by it, but as time went on, his health problems became less, he became more independant and stronger. I hope that happens for b/f!

Hang in there sweetie! We are here for you anytime!!! My heart truely feels for you cuz I was so in the same place you are right now!

[Meredith]

Thank you again for your replies and words of encouragement. I feel much better today and it sincerely helped knowing that other people have felt this way. I don't know why but just knowing I am not alone and that it seems to be "normal" to feel this way at times, has helped me tremendously. Part of my fear had to do with, "what the heck is wrong with me?" (Hence my post title I suppose!)

I did talk to my bf about it a little. I'm pretty sure it hurt his feelings to hear how I was feeling. And I know it hurts and frustrates him when happenings in his life hurt me. But that is just the nature of being in a loving, caring relationship. Our feelings affect each others. He seemed angry that I would be jealous of other people and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm nuts for even comparing our relationship to anyone else's. And in a way, he is right. And just like you said, kdenon01, he thinks other people should be jealous of us. We have a deep and meaningful relationship. We enjoy one another's company probably to most all others and we have a helluva lot of fun. So, what I'm ultimately going to work towards is being happy in my relationship and not comparing it to anyone else's b/c when it comes down to it, only my relationship and what we do matters. And it opens up a lot of opportunity for negativity if I start to hold my relationship to some sort of invisible-quality-meter. There are going to be hard times, just like there will be for most coouples and I guess we actually have the upper hand b/c we know it, can prepare and learn how to cope. (Especially me right now!)

I think I have learned a lot from all of you and your experiences that you shared. I also feel like I have crossed over the "bitter" mountain and am coming down to meet my man in a happier and healthier place. Thank you so much for all of your help and support! I didn't know where I was going with my post but knew it might help to reach out to others who may understand and you have helped me more then you may know! Thank you so much!

ps-I wish we all lived close to one another so we could get together for some drinks and girl chat! That's my fav kind of therapy! hahaa!

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Here, here, Meredith. I agree on the drinks and girl talk!!

Your very welcome and glad your post has helped you!! That's always good to hear. If you ever want to chat...just go on my profile and check out my email address. More than happy to be there for you when times are tough!!

[Tash]

Meredith I dont know if my post helped you or not but truly you are not alone. If you ever wanna talk or chit chat please feel free to Personal Message me.

I am always looking for other women to converse with regarding this lifestyle. I have currently started to chat with a couple other ladies around the world and we just have on the phone pajama jammie jams.

Come join the fun.

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Hey Tash....anytime you want to chat or talk just PM me also. Always up for girl talk and sharing the whole SCI carer experience with someone who understands!

[Sammie]

My two personalities both want to answer you- the emotional and compassionate one wants you to know that you are not the only one that goes thru this. It is human nature to see greener grass even when you are totally happy with the lawn you sit on. It is hard to just not think about what you cant do to be with the one you are with- I even sabatoged a great trip that I was about to win to Italy for my work because my B/f would not even consider going and I knew I would hate having that experience without him. So most of us know what you are feeling and get it, and say "sorry you are feeling this way". Try and focus on what you get from the relationship, from him and from your time together. I would not trade a minute of my time with my guy even if it was all in the hospital just because I am so in love with him- would it be happy and sun shiny?? No but I would have him and that is more important.
Now the other side of me the Realist wants you to know that your feelings are understandable but life is what it is- you should look at the possibility of this being your reality for a long time and ask yourself it you can do it, want it or not. If not that does not make you a bad person at all. It makes you someone who needs more than sadly this relationship can give you- to no one's fault! It would be better to talk with hm after he gets through with this current situation and make a decision together than go another year it would hurt more then and then my other personality would have to talk to you again.
It is a tough road you two are on, and I wish that someone on his medical team could find something to make him stronger medically as that would solve half your problem. take care from both of my personalities....

[jon&kate]

Thanks so much for posting this. I have had a very bad cold for the past few days and today, I have been completely and utterly BITTER. Just bitter b/c he can't bring me chicken soup. Bitter b/c even tho I am sick, I still have to get up to prepare food for him even if it's just heated up left overs slammed down onto the table along with his special fork he can eat with. Bitter b/c I feel crappy and I just want someone to hold ME and take care of ME.
Of course, I know this too shall pass probably by tomorrow, and it helps when he rolls in the room and manages to make me laugh despite my temporary seething resentments and bitterness - and it's even funnier b/c he KNOWS I am feeling this way and STILL makes me laugh!
Thanks for reminding me that these days do occasionally pop up and they are not permanent. I will pray for the ability to release this feeling...not necessarily b/c it's unfair to him, but also b/c I do not deserve to feel this bad.
Thnx for allowing me to vent.

[Ana]

Yeah, some days suck. Just count your blessings on those days, because you have got a winner there! Imagine how he must feel not being able to take care of you as far as bringing you food in bed or whatever. Yet he comes in the room and makes you laugh instead of dwelling on his inability to take care of you.

[jon&kate]

Ana, on Jan 25 2009, 08:35 AM, said:

Yeah, some days suck. Just count your blessings on those days, because you have got a winner there! Imagine how he must feel not being able to take care of you as far as bringing you food in bed or whatever. Yet he comes in the room and makes you laugh instead of dwelling on his inability to take care of you.

"Winner" does not even come close to covering it. I have an absolute saint of a man - the best man that God ever put on this earth, of that I am sure! I love him so so very much, it's ridiculous.