[hillarymcarter]

I'm interested to hear from those who were with their spouse/significant other before they had their SCI. ....or just those who know what I'm talking about....anybody really!
After going through the whole rehabilitation program with them do you find yourself becoming very anxious as they gain their independence?
I'm thrilled at the prospect of my husband becoming independent and learning to drive/hunt/transfer by himself. However, everytime he does something by himself I go into a full blown anxiety attack. I have medication for this, but it is actually quite painful. I get hysterical and I have to take the phone off the hook because I dread receiving "that phone call" again.
Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better with time or is there something you did to help you transition?
I actually feel quite guilty about it and I hate to treat him like a child by calling every 5 minutes to make sure he is alright. Once he told me to "quit treating him like a retarded kid"!
I can't even express how hard this is on me.....I'm getting teary eyed and anxious just talking about it.

[hillarymcarter]

I'm also interested in hearing from those who are in chairs who have experienced this from their spouses.

[Joed]

Ask yourself what is the very worst thing that could happen? Granted, there are situations/risks that are greater for someone with SCI...falls happen, etc. But comparitively speaking, the very worst injury for him has already happened.

I think in some ways...although I'm not a caretaker...other than for myself ...I can understand what you're feeling to a certain extent. You've had to be so involved in his care up to this point that it has become your comfort zone, and it's probably scary to think about changing anything. Especially since you've both worked so hard to make it all work as smoothly as possible.

But it sounds like he's telling you that it's time for him to make that next progression in his recovery. The recovery is an ongoing process...I suppose it never really ends, as we go about finding new ways to reclaim our lives. So naturally, his needs are going to change as he reaches these new plateaus.

In my own experience, I instinctively knew when I was ready to forge onward with a particular activity/function. It wasn't something I cognitively sensed, as much as I could read my body on a gut level.

I hate it that you're having this level of anxiety...that's no fun, to be sure. I suggest challenging your own thinking, and continue to exercise your faith in him in what he is able to do.

For lack of another reference point, I suppose it's a lot like watching your child walk through the doors of school on his first day of kindergarten. Anxiety ain't the word! On that day, I seriously thought about just staying in the school's parking lot with my cell phone at the ready until school let out.

Bruce will do fine.

Baby steps...

And remember to breathe...

[hillarymcarter]

Thankyou Joed!
I actually told someone once that I felt like my baby was going off to school without me! The first day he went to rehab by himself (on a transit bus) I wanted to attach a flag to the back of his chair so he wouldn't get run over in the parking lot! I know.....I'm out there!
I really think I need some professional help for this. It's not just emotional, it is very much physical. My hands will go numb and I just pace back and forth. I know it sounds crazy......
I also know that I have to let go. I really do want him to drive by himself and dress/transfer/hunt by himself. There is nothing I would like more than for him to regain his confidence. I am so happy when I see him do something by himself that he used to do "preaccident". When I saw him transfer onto his fourwheeler by himself I had to go in the bathroom and just bawl...I saw that husband that I had before. It is wonderful to see him discovering things all over again. I am just a psyco spouse, I don't know what triggers it.
I've seen him fall several times and I'm okay with that....if I'm there. I hate to think about him getting out of his truck in a busy parking lot and falling on his face in front of everyone. I hate to think about him having to ask for help from a complete stranger. I guess maybe I am more worried about him taking a beating to his confidence when he realizes one day that he has t

[hillarymcarter]

Don't know why it cut off, but here is the rest of my post.

I guess maybe I am more worried about him taking a beating to his confidence when he realizes one day that he has to ask for help. I know that it is a bigger beating to try to shelter him. I don't worry so much about him than about how others will treat him. I just can't stand to think that one day someone will make him feel inferior (I know it is inevitable).
Okay, I am definatly rambling on and on now! Bruce said that he worries about how I will treat our children when we have them....he said "if you are this protective over me, you will be in an insane asylum when we have children!". I actually find myself being somewhat cold to people now because I feel like I need to keep my guard up to protect him. It's silly...I know...but, it is how I feel now.

[hillarymcarter]

*****UPDATE*****
The man who gives the driving evals is coming to drive with Bruce for like 6 hours on Friday. He said that if Bruce drives good then he will just go ahead and sign his papers for a regular driver's license. I know he will because Bruce is a great driver. I might just go and die between now and then!!!!

[DrewsLou]

I know it's hard to "cut the cord" so to speak but it will be good for both of you. I know when Andy has been really sick it has been so nice once he's healthier to be able to just be a wife again instead of a caretaker. He likes that I can help him but prefers to seperate the roles. It is very easy to lose yourself and fall into that caretaker role I know, I have been there. I understand the anxiety that you feel. I have found that I just need to bite the bullet and let him do what he needs to do to be independant and stuff, but I know how hard it can be. He says he dosen't feel whole unless he can just do things for himself and not rely on other people to do things for him. I think that has been the hardest thing for him since he has been sick. He's such an independant guy, and has been since his accident 12 years ago, that it's hard to take that step backwards.

Good luck Bruce on driving!! I know Andy would lose it if he lost that ability.

[AHolland]

And from the other side...

Back when I got injured my wife had a real problem with wanting to help me with everything. This bothered me to no end as she would do things like pushing me around in malls when I really wanted to wheel myself. Everytime a bump or obstruction came up, she would take over without me asking. Okay, that could really drive a guy around the bend.

At the same time, she never wanted to leave me alone in case something went wrong. What eventually happened is that we started to get her to go out for some recreationon her own. She liked Bingo..yeck, so she was encouraged to go play bingo once a week....did I say yeck! Eventually she stopped worrying about what I was doing while she was at bingo and learned to take back a bit of her life.

Maybe you need to take some time for yourself without worrying about what he is doing.

[hillarymcarter]

Well, today he went hunting by himself. BY HIMSELF......EVERYTHING BY HIMSELF....he got ready by himself, drove by himself (even though he's not legal yet)..........and the best part (drumroll please)........I let him.
I got teary when he left and I bawled and squawled all afternoon, but he came back and he is fine. It feels good to have that first one out of the way.
He even had flowers delivered to me while he was gone. The card said "I'll love you always, and you need to take the time to stop and smell the flowers"! Isn't that cute???!!!

[Joed]

Good on you, Hillary! And Bruce too. These are huge milestones and one event can represent so much hard work, time, and recovery.

For me, it was a solo 11 hr. drive into Canada. I had to prove to myself that I could still go anywhere I wanted and be okay doing it. It liked to beat my butt (literally ) , but I made it, and have since taken my son to Chicago and Six Flags in St. Louis, as well as a visit to relatives in Kansas City...all alone, except for my son who was five at the time...still...quite a big help.

Anyway, I'm genuinely glad to hear that you've both accomplished this. Personally, I'd be worried about anyone going hunting alone...isn't there supposed to be a 'buddy rule' or something? If there's not, there should be.

[DrewsLou]

Good job Hillary!! It will get easier, I promise.
How sweet of Bruce to send you flowers! I'll have to kick Andy's butt to be more thoughtful like that!

[hillarymcarter]

Joed,
He met up with a guy that went hunting with him. The guy he met is also in a chair which made me feel better because I knew that if Bruce fell or couldn't transfer the guy could talk him through it. Plus, this guy is super, super independent and he is really teaching Bruce a lot.
He always makes sure someone is nearby when he hunts and I make him carry walkie talkies!!

[Jilly]

Hi Hillary
My guy is super independant, after 28 years in a chair I guess he's had lots of practice! I only help when he asks which is usually things like getting the washing off the line, or giving him a push up a hill or over grass. He does just about everything else for himself, and keeps on surprising me with the things he can do. So give yourself (and Bruce) time, it will happen. I think Im lucky in a way as I never knew my guy before his accident, and didnt have to go through the worry that you do, Ive only ever known him independant like this. Keep positive. I think the things you and Bruce have achieved in the time since his accident are fantastic.