[Ches]

Wednesday at the docs, I moved my leg. Not the first time its happened but it was the first time in company of docs (witnesses) and so its official. I dont know how I did it, seems as though it happens when Im not trying and my mind is completely clear. Great News Right?

So why have I been feeling so depressed these last two days? Talking about it makes me want to cry, and theres no real trigger.. its just like depression. The tears just flow, obviously something is bothering me.

Has anyone been through something even remotely similiar to this? Im thinking it may be time to see a therapist, apparently there's more below the surface than I'd care to admit.

[ems]

Well, firstly... congrats to your leg!!!!

I'm not sure how I'd feel, I'd want to think that I'd be overjoyed with whatever function came back a bit, but 11 yrs later still nothing.. maybe I'm not thinking the right way!! ;) But, I think if one of my legs moved now I'd be in shock, I thiink it would trigger off loads of emotions, and memories from before sci. I'd probably start dreaming up nice things to do etc.. and then realise it wsant to happen.

[nomis]

Sounds right to me.
You could try this. Shut yourself in your bedroom and spend half an hour quiet time, you and your leg. Have a quiet conversation with your leg. Let a few tears flow if that's what your body wants.... Keep chatting with your leg, what's it feeling...?

[StellaLAtella]

Hi Ches,
I like Nomis' response & I'd like to add that there's never anything wrong with getting some counselling. It often helps to get an outside perspective. It helps me to get some of the things weighing me down mentally out of the way. I also know that the RIGHT therapist makes all the difference in the world too. Just don't settle. Good luck & keep in touch.
Stella

This post has been edited by StellaLAtella: 15 November 2008 - 05:07 AM

[the_walrus]

Congrats for your leg,
Like the people above said, maybe your leg moving makes you think about what life would have been without your SCI, or it's making you remember how your life was before.
I have a friend who experienced kinda the same thing, he got through by talking about it and simply looking at the positive side of things.

[JesseB]

Wow ches, thats amazing! =] Hopefully theres more to come. ;)

[carole338]

Ches

During my stay as an inpatient I saw a psychologist and it did help. I did a lot of crying at the time. I remember every new movement I went through; my hips regaining movement, my ankles regained some movement, my balance while sitting became stable. My emotions ran in so many different directions. I did feel elated but also angry, frustrated, and even depressed. For me, when I experience progress, I also realize the finality of my paralysis. I cannot put weight on my legs without full braces and these cannot be used for stairs or are a means of transportation. I so miss my old life.

I also talk to my legs and feet and do message daily. They respond in the little movement I have in them.

I guess I cry because I want more. I also cry because I feel time is running out on my recovery window and I’m losing the battle. I know this is not true but our minds do tend to run in unusual directions. And of course there is always cry for happiness and tears are disguised as depression. .

Good luck to you and maybe optimism, hope and strength is below that surface.
Carole

[Scribbler]

Dear Ches,

I can understand how you feel although my situation was different and happened a number of years ago.

It was during a spell in my Spinal Unit when I'd just had a successful operation and things were going well. The nurses came and turned me over, then left. I was fine up to then, but then I had this sudden feeling, as if a dark cloud had surrounded me, and the tears ran down my face uncontrolably.

There was no reason for me to be depressed as I knew I'd be home in a few weeks, but I couldn't control my feelings. This dark blanket just covered me and the tears streamed down my face, I felt so lonely and sad; I didn't even want to see my wife.

A male nurse noticed how quiet I was and sat and chatted to me. I told him I couldn't understand my feelings and that one minute I was fine, the next in floods of silent tears. I told him I wanted to be alone and didn't want my wife to visit, which shocked him.

My wife did come, and I just seemed to come out of this feeling as quickly as It came.

To this day I still don't know what triggered it off but I do know our minds are a mystery; things happen that we cant always explain.

My own therapy for any bad feelings I get now is to write down my feelings, as if I'm writing a letter to someone. Once I've done that, I read it back to myself, which I find helps me understand things better. My computer is full of these letters, which help me.

Joining this site has helped me a lot, as I was at a low point in my life due to my wife dying. People here have helped me, and if I can help others then that's a bonus.

Its not only sad things that make us cry, even good things, like you moving your leg can have a traumatic affect on your emotions.

A friend I went through rehab with started to move his toes; he cried for hours, so maybe its quite common Ches.

All the best Ches. I often think of you, especially as you've not been cheeky to me for weeks, which I miss.

Scrib's (Mike)

[Slowlegs]

Scribbler, on Nov 22 2008, 03:11 PM, said:

Its not only sad things that make us cry, even good things, like you moving your leg can have a traumatic affect on your emotions.

A friend I went through rehab with started to move his toes; he cried for hours, so maybe its quite common Ches.

I noticed that after my injury I cried at movies, watching TV. When happy or sad things happen. My girlfriend appreciated it though. Made her think I was sensitive and perhaps I am now.

[E-DOG]

Oh Ches,
Have we forgotten to take our Prozac again?

As was thus stated above by the many fine folks who enjoy this web-site and no longer have the ability to utilize their legs,
you've scraped up against some memories of what may seem to have been better days.
Like all SCI's, the emotions we have concerning our injuries are very different indeed.
The wiggling of a toe or two can flood the brain with all kinds of possibilities, memories, desires.

For at least 3 months after my injury I had no movement below my tits whatsoever.
Then one morning I'm laying in bed and I think to myself, yo, self, I think my big toe just moved.
I pulled back the sheet and tried to get the aforementioned toe to wiggle.
Low and behold, the lil' sucker DID move a bit. Maybe a quarter inch or so in each direction.
Well that was it. I started screaming like a banshee, "NURSE, NURSE, GET A DOCTOR IN HERE"
They all come arunnin' to see what the fuss was all about.
When I showed 'em the incredible inroads I'd made in my recovery and then asked if I'd be walking again
they said " it's a good sign" "looks hopeful" "blah dee blah dee blah"

I now have motor in what seems to be all the muscles, but the connection is so weak that all I can do is move legs a little bit, sorta do a sit-up a little bit.
Helps me get dressed, get my feet positioned on the wc foot plates etc. but that's about it.

So I can't walk. B.F.D.
I can think faster than almost any human being alive and I'm incredibly handsome.
What more could I want?
E

[Ches]

You guys are great. I really appreciate the responses. I felt like a jack ass posting this initially.. I mean who would cry over moving a leg, and then bitch about it on a website full of plegics?! I just needed some new perspectives in my search for a reason..

Definitely feeling better lately, despite not having made anymore progress. Weird how that works...

Anyways, thanks again!

[Rjeez]

Yes,i had exactly the same thing.Exactly the same.

And when you ask,"Why have I been depressed?",well,for me anyway,it was either an all or nothing thing,either I couldn't move my legs at all,or totally and normally.If I couldn't move my legs at all,it would make it easier for me to accept,because I could use it as a cop-out,"There's no point trying because. . . "But,because I have slight movement,it is always in the back of my mind that if I work hard enough,I may walk again.But,i feel that I won't walk again,and so it makes it harder to accept.

Also,movement is a reminder of what i use to be able to do,

BUT,most of all,and this [i]really]/i] pisses me off.Someone seen me move my legs,and then asked me why can't I walk then.The implication was made that I was a fraud,and that was really frustraing.And,some AB's thinking is(the really stupid ones of course),that if you have lost some of your feeling,that it is ok to hurt you in the legs,because "you won't feel it."Some even want a demonstration!And some think that it is a good thing!!(to not be able to feel pain.)

I've just thought now,I have some idiot friends!But,I am being too harsh.The(very)vast majority of people are really understanding.And sometimes,it comes from the people that you would expect it from least.It's funny,but paralysis not only affects your body,but it gives you a chance to reevaluate your perceptions and judgements of people.Not a bad thing,at all.

[Kev-O]

After thinkng long an hard about it the only reason i can come up with is you look at it like a tease. I know i would rather get nothing back then just a little.

[Rjeez]

That is just how I see it Kev-o.I just wish I could get some of my feeling back.It just kills me that I will never feel sex with my girlfriend like I would like to.It just hurts me sooo much.(In fact,I can't stop thinking about it.I'm scared I will turn me bitter,and let it eat me up.I don't want that.I'm finding it harder to accept that than not walking.)

This post has been edited by Rjeez: 08 February 2009 - 10:16 PM

[Kev-O]

Rjeez, on Feb 8 2009, 05:12 PM, said:

That is just how I see it Kev-o.I just wish I could get some of my feeling back.It just kills me that I will never feel sex with my girlfriend like I would like to.It just hurts me sooo much.(In fact,I can't stop thinking about it.I'm scared I will turn me bitter,and let it eat me up.I don't want that.I'm finding it harder to accept that than not walking.)

you have to think about it like this to if you can feel the pleaser of sex then that means you could feel the pain of cathing several times a day. I know how you feel tho man. I would love to be able to feel sex again but i dont think thats ever going to happen. Just think of your tongue as your new dick since you can still feel it. Its not the same i know but it might keep those thoughts from eating at you.

[Texas Angel Ang]

Ches, I went through the exact same thing, it was the fear of the unknown. Every time I progressed, proving the doctors wrong, amazing specialists from the Miami Project... a sense of accomplishment and a quick "ha in-your-face" was quickly replaced with "OMG what now??" I was scared that I wouldn't live up to everybody else's expectations... after going to a psychologist I realized there was so much more behind this "pleasing everybody" and I eventually learned that I had issues way before my accident, even at the age of 14, there are enormous pressures and living up to everybody else's standards.

I think that is why after my dad lost his job and my insurance had to be changed -- I took a break from rehab and ultimately it was my rebellious side that made me regress dramatically! I thought I was proving a point to everybody else but all I really did was hurt me! If I had only went to the psychologist sooner LOL. Asking for help isn't a bad thing! There may be other things bothering you and this triggered the emotion...

either way congratulations on moving your leg for the doctors! It may come and go (mine did) but the more you work on it the more repetitive it becomes, it did for me anyway.

[Ratticis]

I wish I could move my leg for the docs, just enough to kick him square in the nuts! Form a line boys, cus there's a few of you that need booted!

[Ches]

lol ratt..

Just an update b/c I forgot all about this post,.. nothing in the foot areas improved, nothing new...makes it easy to convince myself it was all a fluke.

[Ratticis]

Just a fluke. Story of my life

[Ches]

Awwwwwwww

[Yasko]

Ches, on Aug 25 2009, 05:25 PM, said:

Awwwwwwww

Comon Ches, cheer up girl! Walking is overrated anyway.

[CR_L1]

Yasko, on Aug 26 2009, 03:07 PM, said:

Comon Ches, cheer up girl! Walking is overrated anyway.

So is masturbating but I would still love to do it Yasko.

[Ratticis]

It's not so great when you can't feel it anyway

[Yasko]

CR_L1, on Aug 26 2009, 11:25 AM, said:

Yasko, on Aug 26 2009, 03:07 PM, said:

Comon Ches, cheer up girl! Walking is overrated anyway.

So is masturbating but I would still love to do it Yasko.

Nobody is stopping you, masturbate as much as you want it!

[Ches]

Im fine.. I was feeding into Ratts misery.. Maybe one of you should give him a hand? I'll supervise.

[Yasko]

Ches, on Aug 26 2009, 01:07 PM, said:

Im fine.. I was feeding into Ratts misery.. Maybe one of you should give him a hand? I'll supervise.

funny girl, aren't you? I would rather

[E-DOG]

Yasko, on Aug 26 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

Ches, on Aug 26 2009, 01:07 PM, said:

Im fine.. I was feeding into Ratts misery.. Maybe one of you should give him a hand? I'll supervise.

funny girl, aren't you? I would rather

Come on Jaz, wash them lil' handsies and get busy!
That's what jeezuz would do.

I'll read the instruction manual.

E

[StillFingers]

E-DOG, on Aug 26 2009, 02:52 PM, said:

Yasko, on Aug 26 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

Ches, on Aug 26 2009, 01:07 PM, said:

Im fine.. I was feeding into Ratts misery.. Maybe one of you should give him a hand? I'll supervise.

funny girl, aren't you? I would rather

Come on Jaz, wash them lil' handsies and get busy!
That's what jeezuz would do.

I'll read the instruction manual.

E

That passage must have been in the footnotes dawg, how the did I miss that Ches, if you're going to supervise, have Jen take some pictures, there's going to be a great portrait opportunity and some interesting expressions

[Yasko]

E-DOG, on Aug 26 2009, 02:52 PM, said:

Yasko, on Aug 26 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

Ches, on Aug 26 2009, 01:07 PM, said:

Im fine.. I was feeding into Ratts misery.. Maybe one of you should give him a hand? I'll supervise.

funny girl, aren't you? I would rather

Come on Jaz, wash them lil' handsies and get busy!
That's what jeezuz would do.

I'll read the instruction manual.

E

You know I am his faithful follower and in that case let get busy!
Ches get that camera going, will ya?
Born again, born again, born aggggggggaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnn.
Comon E, give me a hand.

[Ratticis]

Why do I picture that dude in one of the scary movie sequels going "I don't need help! I can do it myself!"