10 replies to this topic

[marypure]

so..i need some something...after months of not really knowing why my mother is not so excited about me getting married...i find out that she is not very excited..and she feels that its not very possible for my boy to be a capable father...because he is in a chair..
this hurts sososososososo much..
because i look at him, and i see what a wonderful, giving, caring father he will be..
i see us with babies...in the future...and i can't understand why my mother can't..
i am feeling really bad...his family is so supportive..
i feel awful...i can't understand if its because of my first husband..he wasn't me..and i wasn't him..he and i were not meant to be..and he was a mean guy..
this is why it hurts...my guy is so nice...kind..and real..so real...honest and rad..
he is my soul mate...my true love...

[hillarymcarter]

(((hug)))
She doesn't see what you see because she hasn't been around him as much to realize that he can do anything that an able bodied person can do.
My parents and friends all feel so sorry for me because I am a "poor young wife with a paralyzed man to take care of for the rest of my life". What they don't understand is that he takes care of me as much if not more than I take care of him. They aren't around him enough to understand that he is the same person he always was and he can do anything he puts his mind to. His parents are the same way...they just see him as their poor sick son.
I remember when I found out that Bruce was paralyzed. I literally believed that life was over for us. It was only because I didn't understand all of the things that someone in a chair could do. She will probably never see him as you do, but you are the one getting married. Don't let anyone ruin what should be one of the best times of your life.
Congrats by the way!!

[hillarymcarter]

By the way, I read something today that really hit home. It was in an article about mother/daughter relasionships.
"mothers and daughters will say some of the kindest things to one another and at other times they will say some of the most hurtful things" furthermore,
"mothers and daughters tend to talk better/worse to one another than they would ever dare to any stranger"
In other words, moms know just that nerve to hit that will make up crumble everytime. I don't think she means to be hurtful, but it would be a mixture of many things. Maybe she is upset to lose you. My mom will say horrible things to me and it is because she isn't happy with herself. She doesn't mean to hurt me, she just wants me to share her pain...like somehow it will help her if I am hurting too.
For the past 2 years, all I have heard from her is how chubby I am. The whole time she is doing this, she is shoving food down my throat! Right after Bruce got hurt, I went to visit and she told me to suck in my stomach. I threw down everything that was in my arms and I just screamed "look around mom....look at my life right now...do you really thing I give a sh*t if I have a pouch on my stomach?!!!" It seemed to do the trick because I haven't heard a word about it since!

[Jilly]

Mothers always want the best for their children. Your man is probably not her image of the perfect man as he is in a chair. You know deep down in your heart that he is YOUR perfect man and of course you will have babies and have a wonderful marriage just like anybody else. I know it hurts you that your mother can't see what you can, but WE can, and hopefully in time your mother will too. My man is in a chair too and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just know you have a fantastic future ahead of you. Don't let your mothers opinion spoil your happiness, but accept that she worries for you. Congratulations from me too.

[marypure]

thanks hillary..you make me feel better
i know that i'm the happiest i've ever been..i know that my parents knew that art was in a chair when i met him 2+ years ago...my mom is not the most knowingnest..(is that even a word?)...and wanted to be sure i "didn't feel sorry for him".
its been weird..and i have been uber-sad.....i gave my mom a link to this site..i hope she reads (especially the forum about having children)..because, for the first time in my 30 years, i want to have a baby when i'm 35ish at least..hehe i never wanted to have a baby before art..
i have read that your husband had his accident as an adult...i can't imagine what that is like..art doesn't talk about his accident much...we both went to his hometown last year for a concert . i saw where his accident happended when he was two. it hurt..but art is who he is..and i have never known him before his accident..

[marypure]

and thank you jilly too..who knew that i could feel low and find you guys...
its nice to know that i can talk to people..lots 'o feelings....thank you both..

[marypure]

happended..i said that..i meant happened..i'm insane about the spelling..an accountant that uses the broken grammar and is insane about the spelling? who knew?

[carolline]

Sometimes I hate ppl. when they saw a SCI person commenting bad words and seems generalized.That we ladies...having paralyzed man we cant get anything from them.They feel that they're giving us a burden for life,no sex satisfaction,there's no happiness can give us.People who dont understand what is our feeling and what happiness can bring this person to us? For them person being in a wheel is not capable for being a father,cant function as a normal person.If only they knew what kind of personality and ability of this kind of person in a wheels.For sure they'll going to compare to A/b with paralyzed one and at the end they'll say...It's better to have this guy with paralysis which can function normally than to those A/b "can do" but they "dont do!" Some ppl. are judgemental,focussing the outside appearance,negative comment based on what they see.

If only they knew........SCI person is a good lover...
Good that you stand to your own decission and CONGRATULATION!!!
(if you do'nt mind...would you please give my kiss to your groom??? Ummmmwwwahhh.. )

[Joed]

Quote

(if you do'nt mind...would you please give my kiss to your groom??? Ummmmwwwahhh..  )

Trollop!

Congratulations from me too, marypure!

Regarding your mother, I'm hoping the solution will be....time. She probably has all these pre-conceived notions about what your life will be like with someone who has a SCI.

Let your defense be your lives together. No need to say a word.

Other people sometimes try desperately to get others to own their problems. Simply decline...and take real ownership over your choices.

And remember...nothing is static...your mother is a 'work in progress'...I hope she'll come around and quickly warm up to your husband-to-be, tossing all those worries right out the window.

[joisliniad]

Time will proof different.... For good or bad, it there is love and he is a good person andwilling to be there for you andlove you back, htat is what it matter...Your mom will get to know art, and she will see how good person he is andhowgood parents you guys will be if GOD bless you with a baby...Goodluck...

[marypure]

hi..thanks to all of you..i was feeling really depressed yesterday...
i think (hope) my mom will come around..it will just take a bit of time i think..
what matters most is how much art and i love each other...i am so excited to get married...we already live together..but there's just something about the prospect of marrying your best friend..its like a fairy tale...
i love my mother..but nothing will ever ever change my relationship with art...
anyway..thanks again...