1 reply to this topic

[susan62]

I just celebrated a one-year wedding anniversary married to a C-6 quad. He is functional, fiercely independent, and stubborn. He is very educated with several college degrees and has a good job, financially independent. He is now 35 and has been a quad since a car accident at the age of 17.

My problem is that when we first started dating he was very readily into kissing, making out, petting, etc. Later, even into our marriage, we enjoyed massage and oral sex (him to me). But now it seems like he is not interested at all. When I bring it up, he tells me that I should not have married a "quad", and that I don't want him, I want someone else. I have NEVER indicated that I was not satified with the physical contact we had. But now, unless I initiate it, he doesn't even want to kiss me! Then he hurt me further by saying that all I care about is "the orgasm". Listen, I would be content with hugs, kisses, cuddling, words of endearment, etc. But I don't even get the common courtesy of a 'goodbye' when he leaves to go somewhere!

I am feeling very hurt by this. I feel that he is hiding his real feelings about maybe feelings of inadequacy, but I just can't get him to talk about it. I try to ask him if he is not attracted to me, and he blames 'medication' , 'spasms', 'a rash', etc. Nothing is different physically now that was not the same when he was into me. I just don't understand. It has turned into, now, him saying that if I feel like I can't be alone, I am 'co-dependent' and 'mentally and emotionally unbalanced'. Very hurtful! If I wanted to be alone I would not have accepted his marriage proposal. I made a CHOICE to be with him. I am not crazy. I just feel shut out! Frustration is what pushes me to try and talk to him about it, but he said that if I just leave it alone that everything will be all right. The more I leave it alone, the less interest he shows in me!

So, does anyone have any advice for me? He even suggested I get on meds or go to a psychiatrist, because it's not his "problem"! I thought that in a marriage two people are supposed to be in this together! I have never let his disability get in the way of anything before, and he didn't used to. So WHY NOW??? I am getting so lonely. Long periods of silence followed by fights...is this how two people who love each other are supposed to live??

ps. I have been married before, but he hasn't. But he has said that in his past relationship that if he got tired of someone he would just 'start to be mean to them until they left'. I don't want a divorce, but he haphazardly talks about 'signing the papers' almost during every disagreement.

[Ironside]

Hi Susan,

I am in virtually the same situation as your husband (C5/6) I am 36 and had my accident when I was 16. I am not married but have been in a long-term relationship with my girlfriend for six years. Before she moved into my house to live with me, the physical side of our relationship was extremely intense. She was initially a carer which always make things easier I think. Since she moved in four years ago, the physical side of our relationship has diminished slowly until there is absolutely no physical contact between us now. Being stuck in bed for seven months when a pressure sore didn't help I suppose. We are extremely good friends which I suppose is quite good. She is eight years older than me and has a child which hasn't helped really. Anyway, what you have got to remember with tetraplegic's is you haven't got any feeling below the break (in most cases anyway, not all) Whereas the woman can have a fantastic time, the man is just really lying there like a piece of meat. I know this sounds extremely harsh but it is absolutely true. Believe me, if you are not turned on then having to try and pretend you are having a wonderful time with your spouse can get extremely tedious. If you are not able to feel your genital area, especially when you are sexually aroused, it makes a huge difference and does start getting to you in the end. I think your husband may possibly be feeling like this. He certainly sounds like he is going through what I feel. Also, him telling you that you shouldn't have married him is I think quite normal. He probably doesn't mean it, it's just frustration when you say that, believe me, I say it to my girlfriend sometimes. If it would help, contact me privately.

Edited by Ironside, 31 December 2005 - 12:20 PM.