[Carly/Kevin]

we have not been into this very long. my boyfriends accident happened a little over a month ago. he is a L3 incomplete para. they have him in the hospital right now. the docs said that he will be in there for a few more months and hes going crazy in there. he hates it so much, but i cant blame him. i would want to be at home where everything is so much more comfortable. anyways, it seems like his spirit really has not been broken. hes the same kevin but just a little different. the only thing is that i dont understand is that why does he want to be so independent? this is so new to him and everyone, but he just dont want any help from anyone. he also told me "if i dont learn how to be independent you will never want me or love me like you did before. because im just not the same anymore" that just broke my heart. i dont know where he got that from. i just wish he would let me, his parents or anyone help. did anyone here have those same feelings? or their loved ones went through this?

[hillarymcarter]

Hi Carly. My husband was injured a little over a year ago with an L1 incomplete. What your boyfriend is saying is right on. I wish I had let my husband do much more without my help. It is great that he realizes that he needs to become independent as soon as possible. It is also true that he will not be the same to you if he isn't independent. I know that is hard to hear because I know that you feel you will love him no matter what....and you will...but, you will get resentful of him and you will never have the same relasionship that you used to if he isn't independent.
If you need any support from a girlfriend perspective, come and visit the spouse/caregivers section of the forum.

[kanga2433]

I think most of us want to be as independant of possible. Whilst partners are keen to help out, it is really better that we all learn to do things independantly. I think it must something that many of us want when we are first paralysed; to be able to do as much as we did before. often we learn different ways of doing things and sometimes it is hard for our spouses to watch a long winded way of doing things but I think it is tjhis being independant idea that keeps us doing things for ourselves.

Mind you, for the spouses of injured people, an independant person is a lot easier to live with that one who wants everything done for them even if it is frustrating at times. For example, I am a househusband whilst my better half goes to work. Now rather that being dependant, I am very much the other way. I drive her to work, do the shopping, do the cooking so she can come home to the jobs at home having been done. Obviously, what one can do is depandant in the level of injury and it is paras that can get things like this done. A lumbar injury ought to leave a person very capable of doing most things.

[rooster1005]

My husband is a T11 para and is greatly independent. If he can do it on his own or with very little help that is how he wants it to be. There will be a time when he wants your help be there for him then and that will show him no matter how different he thinks he is you still love him.

[Upstate]

Hi Carly,
My boyfriend is T6/T5 incomplete. We just met four months ago, but his SCI happened three years ago. He's very independent, and I admire him so much for his determination and strength. When he really needs help - like getting his chair out of the back of his car for him - he isn't ashamed to ask me. Even things like tying his shoes or helping him put on his shirt he lets me do now and then - just because it takes so much less time - but he usually does all that by himself. I think he's a super man.
I say encourage Kevin to do things independently. Once he's mastered all of that, I bet he'll accept your help now and then.

[Joed]

Quote

Gordon's quote: I think the thought process of late-onset disabled (including SCIs) is very similar - except that rather than going through the process of gaining independence gradually, as you grow older, they're thrust into this situation suddenly, with no acclimatization period.

I agree with that for the most part. I was born with my disability, but in many ways I have only recently been disabled...if that makes any sense at all. So I'm a strange mix of that thought process.

I'm fiercely independent, and it's been a very difficult lesson for me to accept having to ask for help after this last injury. It drives my family nuts. It's definitely a humbling experience, but I've been able to accept what I cannot (or shouldn't!) do and ask for the help when I really need it.

But family members need to understand that even though some things may be facilitated with help, it's important for us to muddle through some of it...it gives a sense of accomplishment and relieves some of the despair...it also hones our skills, as most tasks will become much easier over time and with practice.