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My significant other and I are making plans to live together. We are mature adults (61 and 58) and do not take this step lightly. The situation possibly involves his younger brother who is in a wheelchair and has been for over 25 years. The brother is independent for the most part but is depressed a lot and is a complainer (he is Jewish and this is learned behavior). He is needy emotionally and I find it very draining.
I'm not sure the relationship with my significant other would survive if the brother lives with us. I am not a nurse and don't want to have to care for the brother in a medical sense. I can cook, clean, and in general be there some of the time but that's it. My significant other has always known that at some point he would be a caregiver for his brother (neither are married). I just have so many questions about this and I don't know where to turn. I am a compassionate woman and a very strong (emotionally) woman. But, I've raised my children alone, made my way alone for the most part and do not want to be burdened at this stage of my life. At some point he will need more care than he currently does and he is in a financial position to pay someone to care for him. Is that unreasonable if we are all living in the same house? Should I plan on doing a lot for him?
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Brother Of My Significant Other Is..........
advise on living arrangement with para
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- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:Incomplete para
Posted 17 January 2006 - 01:34 AM
Hi Barbara... 
I think your concerns are valid. I sense that you feel some guilt in saying that you'd rather not take on this responsibility at this stage in your life. But I applaud you for your ability to be honest with yourself about this. It would end up being far more difficult for everyone involved if you didn't acknowledge your own misgivings/concerns about it.
If he can afford a caregiver, then most certainly take advantage of that. You said that he's relatively independent, so he probably wouldn't need a full caretaker at this point, but someone to come in and take care of his personal needs would give your new family a better sense of normalcy.
You have a unique situation, and it will require a lot of compromise and understanding from everyone...not just you. I would encourage you to talk openly to your significant other about your feelings/concerns on this issue too, if you haven't already. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker, and it would be unproductive for someone to feel 'forced' into that role. (I know you're not being forced, exactly, but you may feel a little trapped)
Now is the time to find out what may be expected of you in this regard...and it's also the time to express yourself honestly, as you have here, to those involved. I think they will appreciate it, and it can only benefit everyone else in the long run.
~Blessings to You, and the very best with your next step.
I think your concerns are valid. I sense that you feel some guilt in saying that you'd rather not take on this responsibility at this stage in your life. But I applaud you for your ability to be honest with yourself about this. It would end up being far more difficult for everyone involved if you didn't acknowledge your own misgivings/concerns about it.
If he can afford a caregiver, then most certainly take advantage of that. You said that he's relatively independent, so he probably wouldn't need a full caretaker at this point, but someone to come in and take care of his personal needs would give your new family a better sense of normalcy.
You have a unique situation, and it will require a lot of compromise and understanding from everyone...not just you. I would encourage you to talk openly to your significant other about your feelings/concerns on this issue too, if you haven't already. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker, and it would be unproductive for someone to feel 'forced' into that role. (I know you're not being forced, exactly, but you may feel a little trapped)
Now is the time to find out what may be expected of you in this regard...and it's also the time to express yourself honestly, as you have here, to those involved. I think they will appreciate it, and it can only benefit everyone else in the long run.
~Blessings to You, and the very best with your next step.
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Female. Incomplete para following a cord stroke in '03. Spina-bifida, severe scoliosis. 18 surgeries total...five spine-related: Three fusions w/hardware, two tethered cord releases.
Female. Incomplete para following a cord stroke in '03. Spina-bifida, severe scoliosis. 18 surgeries total...five spine-related: Three fusions w/hardware, two tethered cord releases.
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