[catmint]

Hi all

Firstly I don't want to upset anyone and this is my opinion.

When I met my husband he had already been in a chair for many years.We got to know each other, first as friends then things developed and we realised we loved each other. My family were not supportive of my choice. My father wouldn't speak to me for many years and my sister was ok on the surface but had a lot to say privately to me!

Since we have been married for 20 years there is one thing that really gets me going. Thats when, on learning he was SCI when we married people say something like.."well you knew what you were getting into then"..or"well at least you knew what you were taking on"

I notice similar phrases crop up on this site from time to time.

Does any one "know" what they're getting into. For example: a friend of ours married a guy with 3 teenage children..she had none..to cut a long story short the marriage failed. She says she didn't realize what she was taking on. Now you could say that as he already had the teenagers she "knew what she was taking on"

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

[kdenon01]

My husband was able bodied when I met him. We were 14 years old. We moved in together and got engaged when we were 18. And then my husband's accident happened one month later.

In my opinion, which I see some people disagree... it has been MUCH harder for me than it would be for someone who met their S/O AFTER SCI.

To sit there and see him those first few months...struggling through surgeries, rehab, recovery, and relationships with family/friends...THAT was the hardest part. And I always try to avoid thinking back to how we used to live. FOUR years together...and those 4 years are almost painful to reminisce on.

I can see the argument that those who met their s/o AFTER SCI still have something to compare it to. But to say that it's JUST AS painful...is ridiculous in my opinion.

[rmorgan]

It seems to me that everytime I turn around here lately there is something being said to compare and contrast our feelings of loss, pain, independence, etc. etc.

I don't think it makes the RELATIONSHIP any so called "easier" just because I met my partner after he had his SCI. I think that was first and foremost the overall question here.

Do I know what I'm getting myself into?? What? I love him and whatever the future holds we'll see it through together. How could anyone know what the future holds for them?

Kdenon, I understand where you are coming from. To be with someone you love so much and seeing them in pain and struggling is hard for anyone to handle.

But does seeing that make it "harder" for you to have a relationship with him? Maybe...maybe no. But all relationships are different. We could definitely flip this one back and forth!!

It's hard for me sometimes because I wasn't around when he got injured. All his friends have been there for him since they were kids, and after he got injured they all sorta coraled around him. Helping him...motivating him...etc etc.

So I was the outsider here...I have shown them that I'm here to stay and they obviously know we love each other BUT until Brad was put into the hospital with a bad case of AD did they really realize that I could handle serious situations. And they made it very difficult for me for a long time.

[china]

My partner had already had his injury before we met.

I was married, and once i'd met him, knew that i wanted to be with him.

Everyone couldn't believe that i was going to leave an" able bodied" person for someone that (couldn't do anything) as they saw it.

It has never, and will never be easy.

It must be hard if you knew your partner before injury, as their personality could change but in my opinion,

To see someone you love suffer with pain every day no matter if you knew them before or after is hard.

Even though my partner was already in a chair, i didn't realy know EVERYTHING and couldn't understand everything so NO, i didn't know what i was letting myself( IN FOR )

just as he didnt know what he was ( IN FOR) taking on five ,children.

Reminicing must be very painful for both of you, if the injury happened while you were together.

[Irenec]

My Husband was able bodied when we met. We were both 19.We got married at 21, and 4years later he had the accident (c5/6).We have been together 40years this year. It has been a long and winding
road,We still love and respect each other.

[frustration]

Quote

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

No. Just different.

I can relate to what kdenon01 said about being with someone when they are injured and going through ICU/hospital/rehab. Sitting with someone you love through all of that is awful, no matter whether it's SCI or something else.

We had been together about a year when he had his accident, but known each other for a couple of years before that. We were both in our 30s and had been partnered before with other people.

I think part of our difficulties have been the "can't teach old dogs new tricks" factor. I honestly believe that it would have been easier for my partner to adjust if he'd been younger. As it was, he'd had 20y of active adulthood before becoming a completely dependent high level quad.

Even though I knew my partner and had been VERY well educated through hospital and rehab (to the point where many staff who met me thought I was medically trained), I still had NO IDEA what I was getting into when we came back to the community. And to some extent, I have been so busy doing all that for many years that I haven't even had time or emotional energy to stop and reflect on it.

[Irenec]

frustration, on Nov 23 2008, 07:49 PM, said:

Quote

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

No. Just different.

I can relate to what kdenon01 said about being with someone when they are injured and going through ICU/hospital/rehab. Sitting with someone you love through all of that is awful, no matter whether it's SCI or something else.

We had been together about a year when he had his accident, but known each other for a couple of years before that. We were both in our 30s and had been partnered before with other people.

I think part of our difficulties have been the "can't teach old dogs new tricks" factor. I honestly believe that it would have been easier for my partner to adjust if he'd been younger. As it was, he'd had 20y of active adulthood before becoming a completely dependent high level quad.

Even though I knew my partner and had been VERY well educated through hospital and rehab (to the point where many staff who met me thought I was medically trained), I still had NO IDEA what I was getting into when we came back to the community. And to some extent, I have been so busy doing all that for many years that I haven't even had time or emotional energy to stop and reflect on it.

I absolutly agree with everything you say.Ihave done so much reserch since my husbands accident
and argued with the medical profesions proving them wrong.We have had to fight for every thing,without the backup of friends and family.
I feel sadder more now we are older (both60 this year)and worry about the future.

[Hapahowlee]

I really can't see how anyone can say either way and speak for both sides b/c everyone is different.

What if your S.O. went through a hellacious time in the hospital and pretty much had a very fulfilling life without any complications and maybe even able to walk afterwards? Or, what if your S.O. didn't have too hard of a time during their hospital stay and rehab, but had nothing but health problems afterwards?

Everyone is different . . . even people who are AB. Everyone will take and handle the situation differently. So to write that people who met their S.O.s before their SCI has it easier is not a very rational statement. Just as I had written in the Assisted Suicide thread, unless you have the ability to crawl in someone's body and know what they are feeling, you have no idea.

As far as all spouses and S.O.s, all we can do is give each other support regardless of when we met our other halves.

[catmint]

Hi all

Thanks for your replys.

I am afraid that my question may have come across as a kind of "which of us suffer more" which is not what I intended.

China..I really identify with your comments. I had just come out of a bad marriage and that was the problem with my family. They couldn't believe that I was moving in with a Quad. They sort of kidded themselves that I was going to be his nurse..but then when we said we were getting married they showed their true colours...They dressed it up a bit. My parents said they objected cos my ex husband wanted me to try again and my sister gave me the third degree..which really consisted of "can he do it" to which I offered have him talk to her husband if she was having problems with him "doing it"!!!..We don't have any contact with any of them.

Irene..WoW..40 years married . Is that the Ruby anniversary? Anyway congratulations. Perhaps Simon will bake you a cake...then again..perhaps not! I think he only does BBQs!!!

[Amarillo]

I met my boyfriend c5c6 incomplete a year after is injury,we always had strong feelings for each other, but only got together later this august. I never saw the wheechair,still,i can't really see the obstacle there,i never met anyone like him,is a storm,he push's me backwards and fowards,is a bastard and the most loving sweetheart in the same breath.
We never chose who we fall in love with,it just happens. I rather die,than stay with someone that suits me and my family requeriments. My family is not happy about my choice,although they haven't express any negative feelings,they worry,worse are some coments made by former friends("Your f*@king a disable guy,you can do better",is gorgeous but....") people's ignorance is the most frightening thing. Im learning new ways of taking the world in.
My point is,love doesn't come easy(in my experience),when it noock's at your door,its a blessing! So i did meet him after is acident,but,the truth is,that,is like he's always existed like that.When he's in pain i worry,when he's depressed i help-Big challenges in front of me,but i love my baby,there's only one of him in the world,and he loves me.
People say many things in the end of the day we all have a journey,and in that journey,some people come to us,they make the tapestry of our path. I really admire some female choices,some women are brave enough to follow there instints,i take great homage in these women,they are my inspiration.

This post has been edited by Amarillo: 24 November 2008 - 02:28 PM

[Tash]

I share a litlle bit of what all the other ladies here that replied. My man and I did not meet before he was SCI. I was with him before, during and now. Our relationship was rocky before, during and now. Things to me have not been different I still treat him like a person in which that is still wha the is. I did however find myself finding it hard for him and me during the ICU, Rehab and insurance issues. To see him go through so much and lose so much was hard for me to sit back and watch. But we made it through the storm that is what we say.

We have issues still to work out.

My family is very supportive of the decision I have made to be with him still. His family well that is another whole story. he only has one brother no other siblings and mother and father are already gone. His brother is a jerk...and i can not stand him...The thing is I could not stand him before the accident either.

i know I ma going on and on venting aimlessley but I hope I've given you something to think.

[qbounce]

My gf was my carer before she stopped taking $$$ from me and became my SO. Now, knowing what she did before jumping into a relationship with me, I'm possitive that she has it easier than my Ex-Wife did . . . simply because my girlfriend could decide for herself whether or not she wanted to even attempt getting involved with me. My Ex didn't have that luxery, and now look what I call HER.

The ones that stick by their SCI partners have a special bond though, IMO. When two people can weather through something of this calibur, it's gonna take a whole hell of alot more to rock their foundation.

[Sammie]

I am in a relationship with someone whom I consider my best friend and soulmate. He is the one of the two of us who is has the sci. I have been in relationships before with able bodied people and I found myself in situations that came as a total surprise to me. In my relationship now, I have caretaker experience so I guess technically I should know "what I was getting into", however, this relationship is no different than any other, as time passes, new things come to the surface just like any relationship where two individuals come together. Viewpoints, tastes, habits, personality traits etc. The statement that you know what you are getting into makes no sense for any relationship let alone one involving a partner with an sci.
The comments I have been told are things like, "I'm happy you're happy, but cant you get into a relationship that is easier?" (what sense does that make ?) Another comment is "how do you know he just doesnt want a caretaker?" and the best was "well at least you know he wont walk out on you. which totally offended me. Just know that you can never know where life will take you, you just have to believe in yourself and your partner that you are both doing what is best for you both and things will take their natural course.

[Missy6]

I guess it is potentially easier to be with someone who you didn't know before the injury, but it actually depends on the people themselves. The easiest thing is to meet somone, who is "ok" with their situation, has a positive open mindset, knows what's going on and makes the best out of the situation. But I guess as well, that it might be harder to fall in love with someone who is already injured for a while ago and is a negative, depressed person.

[YYZ]

Situations vary, but the only reason I feel it is better to meet someone after an injury (and I mean years to adjust to this life) is because it is hard enough for us to deal with the loss without having someone in our lives who is a constant reminder of how things once were. If a couple meets after the person with SCI has come to terms with their situation (has a life, career, other interests, etc.), I feel that it is beneficial to the relationship because the person with SCI has more to bring to the relationship. Which, in the long term, means less desperate partners online posting in forums about how their partner is not motivated, can't take care of him/herself, isn't open to new things in the bedroom, etc.

It is not so much "knowing" what you are getting into; it is more about wanting what you are getting into because the person you choose to be with has a lot to offer. If the person with SCI is coming from a position of need because they are weaker, less able versions of their former selves, what good is that? For this reason, I believe that overall it is better to meet someone after you have moved on from all the pain and loss that stems from injury. Others may disagree, but from the perspective of someone who is injured, I would rather be able to come from a position of strength than from a position of weakness.

YYZ

[Amarillo]

Wow!!!That's it.

YYZ, on Dec 24 2008, 05:22 PM, said:

Situations vary, but the only reason I feel it is better to meet someone after an injury (and I mean years to adjust to this life) is because it is hard enough for us to deal with the loss without having someone in our lives who is a constant reminder of how things once were. If a couple meets after the person with SCI has come to terms with their situation (has a life, career, other interests, etc.), I feel that it is beneficial to the relationship because the person with SCI has more to bring to the relationship. Which, in the long term, means less desperate partners online posting in forums about how their partner is not motivated, can't take care of him/herself, isn't open to new things in the bedroom, etc.

It is not so much "knowing" what you are getting into; it is more about wanting what you are getting into because the person you choose to be with has a lot to offer. If the person with SCI is coming from a position of need because they are weaker, less able versions of their former selves, what good is that? For this reason, I believe that overall it is better to meet someone after you have moved on from all the pain and loss that stems from injury. Others may disagree, but from the perspective of someone who is injured, I would rather be able to come from a position of strength than from a position of weakness.

YYZ

[Julian]

catmint, on Nov 23 2008, 01:28 PM, said:

Hi all

Firstly I don't want to upset anyone and this is my opinion.

When I met my husband he had already been in a chair for many years.We got to know each other, first as friends then things developed and we realised we loved each other. My family were not supportive of my choice. My father wouldn't speak to me for many years and my sister was ok on the surface but had a lot to say privately to me!

Since we have been married for 20 years there is one thing that really gets me going. Thats when, on learning he was SCI when we married people say something like.."well you knew what you were getting into then"..or"well at least you knew what you were taking on"

I notice similar phrases crop up on this site from time to time.

Does any one "know" what they're getting into. For example: a friend of ours married a guy with 3 teenage children..she had none..to cut a long story short the marriage failed. She says she didn't realize what she was taking on. Now you could say that as he already had the teenagers she "knew what she was taking on"

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

This is difficult for me to answer as i met my partner post injury. However, it is amusing to me that you say "well you knew what you were getting into then" - the truth is I had no idea. All I knew was that I had fallen head of heals in love with my soulmate. I sometimes think that this question should be aimed at the person in the Wheelchair - does she know what she is getting into falling in love with me!

The hardest thing is that people want to judge me negatively because I have fallen in love with someone who uses a wheelchair. Why? I have no real idea, aside from an incling that it comes from their negative self image as a wheelchair user, ("how can anyone love a person in a wheechair") I don't pity my gf. I love her. I love her disability just like I love her hair, her eyes, her face etc - you get the picture.

Would I still have fallen in love with her pre-injury? Absolutely!

[Sandra62]

Presumably lets turn the question upside down.....

Does anyone judge a person with sci that have a AB partner. Do we know what we get? But to me a bit of mistery is always very stimulating lol....

[kdenon01]

Nobody knows what they are going to get. Bad things happen all the time, people change, etc. The point is....people who were with their significant other pre-injury REALLY REALLY REALLY did NOT know what they were gonna get.

Where as people who meet the SO after SCI kinda sorta knew what they were getting into. JMHO.

[eyelookok2blindgurls]

To all those partners of SCI's I really admire you , my partner met me post SCI and is the most wonderful person in the world , unfortunately people who claim to care about her keep telling her she has ruined her life but wanting to be with me , we are having time apart right now as she needs a break .
We have both acknowleged it can be very difficult for the partner of an SCI , but any real problems we have had have been caused by ignorant people trying to break us up .
It is hard enough for the partners of us SCI survivors without people interfering and making life harder , it was my partners choice to get together with me and what right do others have to interfere and try to make out she is not intelegent enough to make her own decisions .
Her mother told her recently I was just using her to look after me !!! and that i would have taken any woman , Can you imagine how such a comment would damage her self esteme ??? I think it is abuse to say things like that to the partners of SCI victims , when they work so hard to support their partners , their have been so many instances that I have heard of where partners of SCI victims have been treated like this , It is unfair and totally wrong , you have enough to put up with with our frustrations & health issues and I think all of you are total angels who sacrifice so much for the partners you love .
Hugs to you all , Andrew

[wheeliebear75]

January of 1990 I started dating the man I would later marry and have 4 beautiful children with.

I had my accident 4 mo later still at age 14. He stuck around while 90% of my friends bailed and went on about their lives. And he said he was "OK with" the way I was afterward; which was able to do some walking with forearm crutches. I had no strength to speak of and would not be able to help much around the house and such. I also have a brain injury on top of the SCI........he also said he was "OK with" this as well. A few years of marriage went down the road and after a while he decided "I've changed my mind", he wanted someone who could keep up with the house work and who didn't get all sorts of stuff mixed up, and oh yeah he wanted to do it standing up (he did this with our next door neighbor just prior to our split). Since he chose to marry me after the accident, although he knew me prior to it could be argued "he knew what he was getting into". Alas it did not work out and we had a messy divorce where my disabilities were used to gain full custody.

My SO met me well after my accident. We met as friends and he has seen my back deteriorate. He is still willing to do anything and everything I may need him to do. I don't think it is the fact that my current SO met me after the fact that will help us stay together........I think it is the fact that he is such a nurturing and caring man and that he respects me a lot more than my ex.

I can not speak for every failed relationship........only that in my case I don't think it was as much my disabilities as it was his inability to accept me for what I am and his "me centered" thinking.

[Spinner]

My man is almost 19 years post injury and I have known him for a little over a year. We plan to marry in September. I have to agree with kdenon01 on both accounts. No one ever knows what life is going to send their way, and it would be much easier if a couple meet post-injury.

Andrew, my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. I heard all the same crap from so called "friends" and family as well. The fact of the matter is that this man is my soul-mate, my other half, we've been through so much already and there is no doubt in my mind I will never, ever be with another man. Please know that she might realize that these are just ignorant people who have no idea what the two of you have and that there still might be hope. But also know that if it doesn't work out is only because she is not the right one for you, and that you and your other half are working your way toward each other ever single minute. However, I must take exception to one thing you wrote, I am not an angel for being with my man, in fact I kind of see it the other way around. I am so lucky to have found him and to have him love me I thank God every single day for him.

P.S. I promise there is a woman out there who will feel the same about you - just keep moving forward - you'll make it.

[keidra]

My fiance was already injured before we met!! we met online and bagan talking daily! I knew about his condition c6 incomplete and continued getting to know him and after 4 months of talking daily we finally met and it was love at first sight for me!! we knew each other so well even before we met and that made it better for us!!! I was criticized about being with him by friends and family in the begiining and My reply to them was that I loved him and I dont see the wheelchair , i just see the wonderful man i fell in love with even before we met !!! I have been with him for almost 6 years and cannot imagine life with out him!! we had a long distance relationship for 4 yrs before i moved from my hometown to bewith him and I would o it over agin!! I am having problems with the fact that we cant get married because of his social security benefits getting cut out if we did get hitched!! That really pisses me off!! I am his caregiver and I do anything he needs me to do !! He says his life expectancy isnt that long . can anyone tell me differently ? I would also like to hear from others with any advice they can give!!!

[BexG.89]

My boyfriend was injured in June 2007. We have been friends sine summer 2002 and a couple since xmas 2004

[mia3416]

I met my SO back in 04 when he was able bodied, but it was only a short meet (less than a year). We lost contact with each other until here recently in April 08. I found out that he was at a facility and I went to see him, and he remembered me four years later.

We've been together now for over a year, so basically when I really started to get to know him, he was already SCI two years prior. Something about him intrigued me when I met him in 04, and he still has that same spark now. He's still at the facility and he comes home twice a week and I visit him often. We talk on the phone often. We're working on getting him started on therapy so he can increase his chances of possibly coming home for good.

Honestly, I fell in love with him in 04. He's still the same great, gold hearted guy that I met, but this time he's stronger. He's got this certain dark, mysterious side that really drives me wild in a good way Honestly, I love him for who he is, regardless if he's SCI or not. Obviously I have to look at the injury and work things around it, but we both work great as a team and have great communication.

[Fairygirl72]

I met my husband in 1997 and his accident happened in 2007, so after 10 years of what we built together as our life was turned upside down...it's very hard to watch the one you love go from being the one to do everything to the one who can't do anything...now this hasn't changed our feelings for each other but it did change our roles in our life....I am his full time caregiver and do it with out any problems...I love him more than I could ever explain...nothing about this has been easy (except the part of being thankful he's alive)...I didn't know when we met what I'd be doing, but I also didn't know that I would have 3 daughters! lol

[dnm527]

I met my SO post injury. He has been in his situation for 12 almost 13 years. Like most have said, you know what you are taking on so it is somewhat better. However what i was prepared for were the mood swings. He was very active prior to his injury and this has been taking a huge toll on our once wonderful relationship..

[Austyn]

My partner has been SCI (C5-6) for 37 years this October. I met him when he was 10 years into it. We hooked up, spilt up but remained very good friends until we hooked up again a couple of years ago.

Yesterday he moved from his home of 20+ years into my home so we can finally begin our lives together! It's been a very emotional couple of days as he said goodbye to his friends, carers and support networks to move 200 km away to a new city so we could be together (before anyone asks why I didn't move to be with him it's because I have a job I absolutely love which is based in the city in which i live (and it pays very well) and I am the sole breadwinner in the family which includes my 2 teenage daughters).

We are under no illusions that it will be easy but I have spent the last couple of months organising care providers, having my house remodelled etc so that I can keep working and we can keep eating and I can maintain my sanity. I have arranged care givers to come in in 3 times a day and my caregiving role commences when I get home from work.

So here's hoping it all goes well for 2 old lovebirds!

[maxiboy]

The best of luck Austyn, I wish you both well for the future.

I met my boyfriend 10 yrs after he'd had his accident and I never thought "what am I letting myself in for". I have often thought, "does he know what he's letting himself in for?" as he is 12 years younger then me and I have 4 children.

I don't care he's in a wheelchair, it's not what I see when I look at him and I occassionally forget he is not able to move (I say the most stupid things, but we laugh). Of course I feel bad I have "forgotten" but it is purely because I am not seeing his disability first, not because I am insensitive.

Now, it's other AB people (who have not met him) who seem to be be more concerned about my relationship with him then I am. Questions can be very personal and offensive concerning the things he can/can't do and why I would choose to have a relationship like ours. But I do see THEIR disability clearly and feel sad for their ignorance (it's a terrible wordwide afflication). I don't let it get to me anymore because they don't know him, or how we are together.

I have only known him the way he is. He talks of his memories pre-accident and his good friends are still that. Maybe it is easier for our relationship because we are making our memories and we don't have any from the past to long for again.

At the end of the day, we have to live for the here and now. None of us knows whats going to happen so there really is nothing else to do except embrace it and get on with it the best we can.

We love each other and that's enough, whether SCI or not.

[pinkziab]

I met my boyfriend 20 years post injury, and I'll say it flat-out: I think I have it a LOT easier than a spouse/partner who has had to go through the trauma and period of adjustment with their partner and learning how to live their life in a whole new way. No relationship is "easy," and no you never do know what you're going to get (hell my first marriage went up in flames). This has been, by FAR, the EASIEST relationship I have ever had (and the happiest). If anyone has had it hard, I'd say it's him, dealing with all of my divorce drama and my moody 8 year old daughter (hehehe). All of the "challenges" we have are the normal, "relationship-y" kind of things, and even those are minimal (especially compared to my past relationship disasters) but that's due to our personalities being such a perfect match. I definitely think that as much any any relationship can be easier than another, meeting someone and starting a relationship post-injury is definitely easier than going through with your partner.

Tara

This post has been edited by pinkziab: 08 May 2009 - 08:36 PM